the realisation of maturity

6 July 2019

shout out to my dad for giving me his old fancy camera, I have no clue how to use it but get ready for some dank pics when I do ! 

I feel like things keep happening in my life at the moment that remind me that I am maturing. Not even growing up, but maturing. In a seemingly normal 24 hours of my life, four things happened that made me realise I am growing the f u c k up:

  •  I found out my friend has chest hair (a completely normal thing for most boys my age, just surprised me, then I was surprised at my surprise, and then surprised at the fact that chest hair on my friends isn’t meant to be a surprise for me anymore)
  • My friends sixteen year old sister spent hours on the phone talking about clothes 
  • An old friend posted a new Instagram 
  • A boy at work (who had turned 18 but a mere two weeks ago) tried to hit on me 

Woah Libby we get it, you’re 20 now! No longer a teenager! Get over it! You see, I can’t get over it though. I am an overthinker. Things don’t just happen in my life. Everything lingers on my brain for longer than it should, there is no happening moment in my mind-  just a constant blur of past and present. Therefore, I can’t really seem to get over it. So here we are again!

I seem to be constantly noticing things that set me apart from younger people. On a regular basis I catch myself thinking how young some people seem, but when I was sixteen I did not feel that young. I didn’t even recognise how much I had changed until my work life surrounded me with 18 year olds and I found myself constantly noticing the difference in maturity. Well differences, but also similarities. When the younger boys at work make crude remarks, or throw in offensive words they look to me confidently, as if to assert a maturity and confirm that they are now able to say such words. It’s funny though, because me and my friends use equally as vulgar language (all in good jest dw) but there is no sneaky looks aside afterwards to clarify that everyone heard the dick joke they just made, there is no laughs afterwards at the swear word used. Things have just become accepted now. The humour doesn’t stem from hearing the swear word, but from the way it’s used. Flirting is different now, conversations with friends are different now, everything is different now because there is no hidden desire to be older, the need for acceptance has lessened and just everything has changed, but not really, but it has. It hasn’t changed, so much as morphed into something more natural.

It’s strange acknowledging your own maturity, because you just grow up and mature and so does everyone around you. It all happens invisibly, at least for me it did, until a normal moment triggers a thought of how sophistacted you seem, or of how strange it is to be having such an adult conversation creating an abrupt feeling of misplaced maturity, except it is not misplaced at all. Then there is also a strange feeling of grown up-ness when I am around friends from secondary school who I only see intermittently. I once used to spend every day with them, and I loved them and cherished them then I see where they are now and they are vaguely recognisable but so unfamiliar as well. They’ve achieved the same level of ‘growing up’ as me, but I haven’t seen the development, and then it becomes hard to process the new people they have become, because the memories of them that form who they are in my head aren’t the same as the reality. It is strange.

What is equally as strange is that the boys I am friends with are now able to grow attractive facial hair, rather than wispy moustache and patchy beards. Or is it even weirder that I am now able to appreciate facial hair? I don’t know! All I know is, we’re all growing up which is cool and great but fuck me I find it weird to see friends at twenty, when I haven’t actually seen how they have become this twenty year old.

Love Island is Wank

4 June 2019

I used to need to be liked. I didn't want to bring things up and have my friends roll their eyes at me, but I am just too angry at the world. I know I am young and un-influential, but I have a lot of beef at the world and need to get my beef with Love Island off my chest.

I'm not really in the loop with Love Island, I would watch the odd episode now and then when my sister was watching it but from what I've picked up from the show is that they're not supportive of feminist movements. The show encourages bitchiness and nastiness between contestants, otherwise it's labelled as boring, but fuck me- there is barely any love in the world nowadays. The last thing that the world needs is a TV show that runs on gossip and villainizes ordinary, good people. The show shits on the concept of girls supporting girls, as an audience we're encouraged to pick sides/ favourites, they add in new girls to create drama and it  just doesn't show the sort of female interaction that should be shown on television.(ladies we live in a patriarchal world, we got to be there for one another am I right or am I right xx). Moving on from this, the show doesn't encourage emotionality within male friendships. It turns male friendships into 'bromances' which is funny and fine, but we're all aware of suicide being the leading cause of death in young men, yet we mock situations where men show vulnerabilities in their friendships? Seems a bit dumb if you ask me. I know it's not only Love Island that creates a farce out of male friendships, but the show is so desperate for laughs that they seem to erase all forms of genuineness in the boys emotions, but society is so fucked up now we can't afford for shows that dominate the media to be focused only on humor...especially humour that maintains toxic expectations for men.
(if you want to read more about my opinion of men / male friendships you can have a look here

Also, peoples reaction to the show is vicious. I've already seen a Facebook post passing judgement on the contestants personalities by their appearance. I refuse to accept it when people tell me to just let these people have their fun. Can we stop normalizing the complete judgement of people by their appearance? It infiltrates our perception of the normal world. We shouldn't encourage judgmental behaviors, we shouldn't teach young people it's okay to make assumptions off someones appearance. 
This show makes money off the talk , it wants us to judge, to joke, to insult, but to this I say - no!! 
It is honestly nothing more than a recipe for sadness and life-long self esteem issues. It teaches you you are nothing more than your appearance, that people will always scrutinize you until they find your flaws and also coaxes us into thinking that it is okay/ expected of us to scrutinize others. This show and our reaction to it normalizes superficiality and it is so fucking dumb!! We spend so much time promoting self love, advocating for body confidence just for summer to be dominated by a TV show that is fueled by malicious gossip and judgmental behaviors. 

Do we discuss the lack of diversity? The token black contestants, because the show can't be slandered for being racist since they have a few people of colour in the villa. Do we mention the lack of Asian people on the show? Is it because they don't want to be part of such a malicious and toxic show, or is it because the show wishes to carry on the disgusting white superiority complex? It is a show for beautiful people, those who are above average in every sense of the word yet the beauty that partakes in the show is how beauty would have been defined decades ago. My friend was asking me earlier if I had seen the 'curvy girl' of this season. The curvy girl. THE CURVY GIRL. Aka, the girl who is an average weight, the girl who isn't as toned as the others yet still has an idealized  figure. Also... the girl. The one girl- don't worry guys, they have at least one contestant who isn't entirely modelesque therefore it can't be called out for being fatist. I haven't seen the contestants for this year, but I'm assuming they all have bodies that are outside the norm. When can we begin to normalize some chub? Show boys with soft bellies, girls with small boobs, people whose arms wiggle when they dance. Eating disorders ruin lives, and once they've effected you they are sort of there to stay. Here's some numbers for you just to put it into persperctive:
-90% of teenagers are unhappy with their body
-Only 46% of people who experience an eating disorder fully recover
-Anoroxia has the highest mortality rate out of all the psychiatric disorders.

 The show continues the idealization of a body type that is unattainable to most - showing people who can afford nutritionists/ personal trainers/ plastic surgery/ people who just naturally have a desired figure. Kudos to the contestants for achieving such a body, but the show warps our understanding of bodily normalcy. It is not the cause of the problem I know, but it does not help. Summer is a hard time for most, the concept of a  'beach body'  still exists and this show does nothing to challenge that, but it should. The mental state of the general public is too fragile to have a show dominate the media that does nothing to support body issues/ male vulnerability / women supporting women. 

One final thing, the most outrageous of them all, is that the show triggers mental health problems within ex-contestants. It may not have entirely been the show, perhaps there were some underlying issues (I'm not fully aware of the whole thing) but I know some ex- contestants have spoken up about developing mental health difficulties/ mental illness since leaving the show. Also, Sophia Gradon, her boyfriend Aaron Armstrong and Mike Thalassitis committed suicide, all having direct links to the show. Suicide isn't something anyone comes back from, once you experience the suicide of a loved one it will haunt you forever. I am blessed to have never experienced it, but I know people who have and it seems like the sort of heartbreak that can never truly heal. Suicide is awful, it just is so awful and we should be doing what we can to prevent it. If it's not enough that the show has been linked to mental illness, surely it is enough that it has been linked to suicide- a preventable, untimely death. If there were a show that caused critical physical harm to contestants it would be cancelled, yet debilitating mental illnesses and suicide? Not a problem apparently. (would like to take this time to shout out to the government and the media for still not taking mental health seriously and the NHS mental health cuts that are destroying lives xx u guys suck xxx)

But for real, it is about time ITV invested in heartwarming, uplifting TV shows. If you want a drama, go and watch a drama that doesn't put everyone's mental wellbeing at stake. We're in a mental health crisis. We can't afford to be dismantling the concept of self love for the sake of entertainment.

me, feelin happy last summer. don't need love island to have a good summer! I had had a twister, hanging with a mate, having a good time void of Love Island

Not to shit on everyone's fun but Love Island is an actual piece of wank and defending it as a source of entertainment is wank. Watch Gilmore Girls, watch Mr. Robot, watch Gavin and Stacey, watch a show that won't make you pinch your chub in the mirror, a show that doesn't encourage the macho male stereotype. Or if you do watch the show, just be aware of the toxicity that radiates from it and know:
- Not to compare yourself to the people on the show.
-Not to judge the contestants of the show too harshly- it is snippets of their day, manipulated to make it more entertaining and scandalous to watch.
-They're real people who have feelings and vulnerabilities. Words hurt. 

My anger isn't directed to people who watch it, it is directed at those who cast it, who manipulate it to villanise and heroise and mock the contestants, who only care for entertaining the public rather than their well being.

That is all. Peace x 

To Florence

29 May 2019

Something that is hard to do, but more common than I realised, is get over a still birth. You create all these memories for them. Christmas was going to be hectic because there would be two babies there (although River is growing up shockingly fast), at family gatherings River and Florence would be the only kids and would wreak havoc, Florence would have been absolutely spoilt when it came to toys - having Rivers old ones, all of my cousins friends kids (what a mouthful) old toys, and as the first baby girl in the family would have been the ultimate fashionista. We had already created the path for so many memories. It is strange as well because you have never met this person, they are a baby forever yet you've felt them kick in their mothers stomach and have heard stories of them rolling about, keeping their mum up at all hours of the night. Their life never left the womb, yet you've felt their existence and with all the imaginations of their future they do have a life. Just not a life you get to live with them. It is hard to mourn this little baby as an outsider, I don't know how my cousin copes.

It's a weird thing to mourn as well, because she was a person, but she wasn't, but she'll never be forgotten but I don't even know who this 'she' was, but I do because I know her parents and I know she would have been a kind, smart, athletic, funny kid with a huge heart. I think, mourning a baby requires a reliance on your foresight, you have to trust how you knew this little person even without officially meeting them.

To forever remember Florence, as an ode to my cousin and her partners bravery throughout this all we've got a blue butterfly for Florence.

In October me and some family members are running a half marathon  and raising money for Child Bereavement UK. Any donations would be much appreciated! Don't worry if you have no money now, not running it for a long time so I can wait for a donation xoxox

what made me love

22 May 2019

I can't remember where I read this post before, but this idea is stolen from somebody and I can't remember who and I apologise if it's you and please tell me so I can give credit, for credit is definitely due here. I also highly recommend writing a post like this to everyone, it made me feel worthwhile and appreciative - two rare yet wonderful feelings!

what made me love...

Little Miss Sunshine is my all time favourite film. It's the first film I can remember watching that combined the happy and the sad. It's about a family on the brink of a breakdown, each member suffering through their own thing. It made me fall in love with films because it's the first film I watched that had a complexity to it, as well as having some gorgeous shots. Every time I watch it, I feel something, it acknowledges the brutality of growing up, of believing in something too much, in giving up, the desire for innocence- it is just an incredible film and sparked my passion for film and the intricacies and significance in them.
-The Royal Tenebaums is a similar film to Little Miss Sunshine, very enjoyable, very poignant, very beautiful (classic Wes Anderson).

foreign films
I am not an expert in foreign films, but I do love them. European films, I have found, not only have great aesthetics, but are so explicit, verging on scandalous but in a way that I love- I don't know how to describe, but there is often an intensity and a bravery in them. 10/10 would recommend. The film that first sparked my interest in foreign film is The Way He Looks, which is whimsical and beautiful and sad - it has that transcendence of summer vibe which I realised is a common feature of things I enjoy.
-Also have to shout out Shoplifters here, which gave me a new appreciation of foreign film

reading (and the different genres)
I have always been a fond reader, but the first book I remember being obsessed with was Looking For JJ. Maybe it's because I was too young to read it, so it added an excitement, or maybe it was the first book that I read that wasn't about fairies and mystical lands.

coming of age + old time literature 
I read Little Women was I really young, and had no understanding of what was going on. I have read it countless times since, it lead me to read Pride and Prejudice, Wuthering Heights- it sparked in me a love for Victorian literature and coming of age novels.
- I am dedicating more to what started my love for coming of age novels, because they make you think, make you appreciate life and understand more (depending on what is read) but I just love them. Submarine was one coming of age novel I remember reading that lead me to furiously search the genre. Such books have lead me to appreciate a new kind of coming age as well, where the protagonist is not a teenager but where there is search/ an exploration of who they were and who they are now.
- shoutout to 'Diary of An Oxygen Thief' a book I recently read and thoroughly enjoyed, and 'Call Me By Your Name', a novel I will forever admire.

My Dad Wrote A Porno was the first podcast I listened to. I remember listening to it after a hormonal teary break down after giving up with tidying my room, feeling utterly defeated by the complexity of putting on a duvet cover- I'm pretty sure we all know that feeling of utter frustration and anger (periods suck am I right!) and I popped on the podcast and I swear to god, it cured my period blues. Now I love listening to Modern Love and Getting Curious with Jonathan Van Ness. Podcast recommendations are always appreciated by the way!
- shoutout to this Modern Love episode I listened to the other day, made me chuckle

The Wombats are the first band I can remember ever properly loving. My sister used to make CDs when we went on holiday so we wouldn't have to spend ages scrolling through the radio, and she put Kill The Director on one CD and I would spend every car ride asking for my parents to play that song. I remember that holday as well discovering Mr Brightside, and I was swimming in the pool and had a revelation that they made a sexual reference in the song (I was very young at the time) and I felt so smug.
- shoutout to this song by Twin Peaks, so calm and soothing and lovely to listen on a night walk home. Also shout out to this song by Methyl Ethyl, it makes me feel empowered and important when walking through busy train stations.
-shoutout to ME! Follow my chill 2019 playlist for glorious, calming background tunes xoxo

adult friendships
This make it sound like I mean sexual relations, but I just wanted to distinguish from childhood friendships because for me those were fun and easy. Taking a gap year, whereby there is no pressure to maintain friendships made me realise how lucky I am to have the friends I do and since beginning university I continually feel blessed at being surrounded by such great people. I love walking back from the pub and huddling together to create the illusion of warmth, I love receiving texts asking if anyone needs to go to Aldi, I love seeing the blurred outline of my friends on facetime, I love it when I haven't seen my friends in a while and the first thing they say to me is 'bitch let me tell you', I love the friends who give tough love, who motivate me to be better, I love my blogging friends because I am forever proud of them and this pride also motivates me (selfish lol), I love my friend Lauren who has a play that's going to be in the fricking Edinburgh fringe fest, how fucking! sick! is! that!!!!!
-adult friendships can be difficult, but also very rewarding because we've reached a point in our life where we know what sort of friends we need, and what sort of friends we need tobe (even if we aren't quite that friend yet, we're getting there).
-also prefer adult friendships because less bitchyness

peace out! do the list yourself to feel warm and fuzzy and appreciative x

why is talking about dreams + aspirations so difficult?

8 May 2019

'Don't want to know what I would be when I wake up from a Dreamers sleep' (-Twenty One Pilots lol)

Telling people you go to University is merely a segway in conversation to the grand question of what you plan on doing with you future. It is a horrible question, yet when you try to deflect it adults don't seem to understand why. I always say I don't know, because I don't really know, all I know is what I want my future to involve. Some people answer the question confidently though, but it is a hard question to answer with confidence because it is a peek into your dreams and aspirations. Vocalising such things adds a reality to them, which in turn makes the prospect of failure more prominent as if you never achieve the dream it means someone knows you failed.

It is silly though to be so secretive about aspirations, because adding a reality to them also adds a pressure to be proactive in achieving your hopes. It is just hard though isn't it, because not only does the threat of failure creep in, because if the dream remains in your head you will forever be in control of it- your imaginations ensure the dreams success, it allows your dreams to be only met with pride and support from everybody else. But, you should let people know your aspirations because such fears are silly. You never know what can come from speaking about what you want your future to hold, who you may come into contact with or just in general what support you will receive. It is scary though to tell people, in case you get met with 'oh I can't imagine you doing that'.

I think, moral of the story is, pursue your dreams and don't ask people what they want to do with their future/ what they plan on doing with their degree unless they initiate that conversation.

For the record, one of my dreams is to have a piece of writing published. I'm going to start small and go for the University newspaper (that nobody reads) and then maybe one day something will get published for the University alternative magazine, but the ultimate part of this dream is to have something published somewhere that is not linked to my university.

Just one of many dreams.

Another one of my dreams is for Pringles to fucking reply to my emails about making Pringles gluten free. I would appreciate if you will join me on this quest and drop them an email just asking them to make them gluten free.

Peace out xoxox

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