life shit

8 June 2018

I realised the other day that it's been a year since I done my exams and I just find that so fucking weird. I still have nightmares about exams, I wake up in the middle of the night stressed because I haven't revised at all, but of course I haven't, I've got no exams. I wonder how I'm going to cope with university if I'm still being haunted by A-levels, but I guess we'll see! To be honest, I'm just shocked it's June and my gap year feels over in a way and I haven't accomplished much but at the same time so many things have changed that 'accomplishing' anything seems ridiculous as too much has changed for anything to stay the same long enough to reach some sort of goal in that area. I don't know. Confusing!

good shit
-My friends are returning from uni, and I've missed them. Although something feels weird about them returning. I don't know. I feel like I've changed, I've found comfort in my own company and not having plans but now I feel a pressure to have plans when I don't always need plans. I also don't really like change, and we've all changed and, I don't know, I just feel like this summer is going to include a lot of accepting changes, whether they be good or bad. Maybe this doesn't belong in this section. I'm excited to have all my pals back though.
-Drinking green tea in bed whilst watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine makes me happy, although now I've finished Brooklyn Nine-Nine and I'm not sure what to do.
-I can enjoy summer, there is no pressure of exams.
-I feel a lot of love for my friends at the moment
-I have mixed feelings about university, but I'm beginning to have more good feelings than bad and I'm excited to meet new people
- I had a really good night out with my friend the other day and then we spent the whole of the next day on my couch with duvets cuddling with my dog. It's the type of day I used to dream about, a day completely free of responsibility. It was bliss.
-Weather is warming up so I can wear my cute ass cardigan



exciting shit
-I'm going to a gig Tuesday night with two of my best friends, just a small gig, but I'm excited. I don't appreciate London enough, and the other week I went to a free gig in Soho, and it was just so cool. It was really groovy and liberating and there's just something special about walking through the darkened streets of London on a week night with just your pals. I can't put it into words, but walking in the dark, warm summer air makes me a feel a certain way. It makes me feel like I'm the only person who exists, and whoever I'm with. A comforting state of solitude. I'm looking forward to the gig, and for walking at night in summer.
-I love the cinema. I love going to the cinema late at night. It is a simple thing that fills me with so much joy that lately an excited movement takes over my body the day before going to the cinema. Aka, I have to do an excitement dance, which is lame because it's the cinema.
-I'm going to a festival with my friends and I felt nervous about it before but now I'm excited. I wish I had more money so I could book more trips and shit, but all trip booking has to wait till pay day (which sucks)

other shit
I don't know. I wanted this to be a catch up post but it's hard to do a catch up post because I feel like there hasn't been much to catch up on. I like to do these posts as I find them therapeutic, laying out my life and going over things that have happened lately. It hasn't felt as therapeutic this time, but I think that's because there hasn't been much to catch up on.
-I'll just put this here. I find less comfort in the thought that good things happen to good people and vica verca. I would like to have some sense of blind faith that the universe has my back and everyone will get what they deserve, but I don't think that's the way life goes. It's annoying. I'm not overly woke or anything but ah man do I wish I had more of that childhood naivety left.

conflicting things

30 May 2018

Life lately has been strange, I feel like I've been working non stop when that isn't the case? I have so many things I want to do, but never seem to have the motivation in me to do them leaving me feeling unsatisfied a lot of the time. I can't help but feel like I am wasting my days, and by the time this realisation comes about I have work the next day and then I'm left with a battle between experiencing the amazing things London has to offer and getting enough rest so I don't get moody at work. It is a ridiculous battle, one that leaves me feeling exhausted nonetheless, but it's stupid as I should be able to go out the night before work. I should be experiencing things more. I feel like my life has come to an unattractive halt, barricades have been put up and although they just need a gentle push I am unable to break them down.


I am on medication that makes me tired, an insufferable tiredness, but I don't want to give up the medication as I am on it for a reason. I can't tell if the tiredness is stemming from the medication though, or coming from my brain, or an actual fault in my body. It's all a bit confusing really. I want to be the healthy girl who does yoga, who drinks enough water but to be completely honest I can't touch my toes and my body is constantly flooded by caffeine (as an attempt to not be so tired? because I enjoy drinking coffee? take your pick, I'm not sure the answer). I feel frustrated that I am not experiencing things, I feel that I haven't done enough but the only thing working against me completing anything is myself. I am lost in visions of the near future that are filled purely with work, even though I know that isn't the case and I have so many fun days to come.

I want the gap year to go on further, I want to save up and explore more places. I want more time to venture into London and experience the amazing things it has to offer (it's hard to do that though as I need a guide but how does someone find a guide to show them all the hidden nooks and crannies). I want to go to university as well though, I want more friends, I want to learn. I feel education validates my existence but then what will I do when I don't do that well? I want to move out from home and be free, I want to dance into the early hours of the morning and live a life of laughter but I also want to go to bed early and find fun in sobriety.

It's all a bit conflicting really. Peace!

some things to make you happy

21 May 2018

You know how a lot of the time when it's sunny people comment on how the weather can effect your mood and we're all like wow! Love this sun, I am so happy! Well don't fret lads, I have compiled a list of good things that can give you happiness, whether it be momentarily or a lingering sense of the feeling, here are a few things that are guaranteed to give you a lil joy.

side note- this list is short, because there's a few things we all know can boost your mood (aka making your bed, doing a facemark) but I don't know. I've read some heartwarming things lately, watched a few heartwarming things, heard some songs that are happy, I figured I'd share.


-read 'Humans' or 'How To Stop Time' (I've heard it's equally as uplifting). If you want a soppy, classic teen romance novel that will make you cringe in an enjoyable way, read 'Anna and The French Kiss' or 'The Truth About Forever'. 'Wonder' is also a very heartwarming book, but it did make me cry. (People say the film is also uplifting, but I cried throughout the entire film, so I disagree with that)

-watch 'Queer Eye' on Netflix. It's really heartwarming, some may say suspiciously heartwarming- there were some episodes I had no reason to feel as warm inside as I did. If you want a laugh I recommend 'Brooklyn 99', me and my friend have been marathoning it together as a way to cure her broken heart and even if it's not curing anything, it's certainly making her laugh.

-listen to 'My Dad Wrote A Porno'. It makes me cackle. If you're not in the mood for a podcast, listen to Tom Mischs new album, it's banging and is lovely to the ears. I can't really think of any songs that are all round happy songs with happy lyrics, but I'm really digging 'Ubu' by Methyl Ethel at the moment.

-I have found having a late night meet up with a friend is also quite heartwarming. Finding a friend who will give you company when you can't be bothered for company but need someone else presence is heartwarming.

-drink a j2o. or a fun drink, any fun drink, I just feel like it's hard to be sad when drinking a j2o you know? They're a special drink, a drink that was reserved in childhood for special occasions only.

some things not to do if you want to feel heart warmed
- don't look at old photos, chances are someone will be in them to upset you. (not saying looking at old photos is always bad, but just on a sad day I find it rarely helps. Unless you don't linger on old broken friendships/ have good plans in the future)

-don't read 'Lolita'. It is too long, the writing is too pretentious and it will make you feel dumb for not being able to finish the novel. Also because the plot is messed up.


APRIL READS

9 May 2018

I seem to be really out of the loop with reading at the moment. Some mornings I wake up and feel I could read for hours, and other days not so much. Over the course of 2018 I have read a fair few books though that I haven't spoken about, so I'm going to begin that now.

To put it simply, this book is about an alien who comes down to earth on a mission and on his mission finds out what it means to be human. I say it a lot, but this is actually one of my favourite books for an abundance of reasons. At first I felt sceptical about the story line, but it had me laughing from the beginning. This book is more than just funny though, it seems to be a perfect combination of humour and heartbreak and you're not violently thrown from one emotional state to another. I was never made to be a human purely made out of tears (unlike Call Me By Your Name that still sometimes makes me cry) nor did it leave my heart feeling heavy, which I thought sometimes it would have since the book tackles some sensitive topic. This book is so clever and funny and thought provoking and meaningful, god, it is such a meaningful book. My copy of it is covered in highlighter as there are so many wise words I want to remember forever, and mantras I want to encompass in my everyday life (the quote I mention in my 'things I've learnt post' comes from this book). It is an uplifting book, a wise book, a funny book, it is just such an important book for anyone who feels a little bit down, or lost in the chaos of life.

THE THREE THEBAN PLAYS- SOPHOCLES
The Three Theban Plays are about Oedipus, the mythical king of Thebes- the Three Theban Plays consist of Oedipus the King, Oedipus at Colonus and Antigone. I studied Classics at A-level, however I reread these plays the other day because they are so good. I don't know how to describe them, but let me tell you the Greeks don't fuck about with their plays. They are so entertaining, it can be a bit difficult to understand the chorus and now that I'm no longer studying these texts I usually skim over the chorus' part but honestly I think you guys should read the Three Theban Plays. They're just really entertaining and a proper insight into the Ancient Greeks values and the way they lived which is so interesting as there are so many links between our societies and theirs and there are just so many things to pick up on. I read other plays for bye exams, but these I find most entertaining, however if you want something thought provoking on a feminist foot, I recommend Medea by Euripides. I feel like we all know these famous plays/ cultures that are renowned for their literature and art, but it can seem to intense to divulge in their works, but then you finally do and it's like woah! no wonder this culture is famous for this thing! So trust me, the chorus can be complicated but these plays are so worth the read if you want something that's a bit different but equally as entertaining.

This book is about a woman called Celie who lives in the South of America and is set between 1910-1940. It's all about Celies life, she's born into racism and poverty, suffers tremendous abuse from those who should love her and has to live her life away from her sister. She meets people though in her life, that show her not all is bad. This is another thought provoking book, and targets so many issues in such a brutally honest way that it can be uncomfortable, be it is a necessary discomfort as it is rare for novels to speak about such issues in such a candid way whilst remaining relevant to the story- if that makes sense? I don't know how to explain, just a lot is mentioned in this book but it all works- whereas sometimes it can feel like authors just throw in problems for their characters, this book didn't feel that way. It's written in the form of Celies letters, which creates such a personal feel to the book which. It's really well written, the characters are so deep, the novel is so thought provoking and is one hell of an emotional rollercoaster. My only dislike of the novel (and in no way is this a major dislike) is that there are a lot of characters mentioned, and I got a bit confused with all the names, but every character included is important so the confusion didn't last long.

Big Little Lies is a brilliant take on ex-husbands and second wives, mothers and daughters, schoolyard scandal, and the dangerous little lies we tell ourselves just to survive. - Goodreads. 
I didn't actually realise when I began reading this that I knew the entire plot since my friend had told me one day at college, however, once I realised I knew exactly what was going to happen, it did not deter my interest. It is written by different characters perspectives, which I always find pretty enjoyable, but it really worked in this book as it allowed there to be other things happening besides the main plot, so there was also something to keep you interested. I also think the multiple narrative was super good in this novel because you clocked onto things before the characters but then the chapter would end and you'd be with another character and you were constantly finding out new things, then getting new questions in your head and it was all so suspenseful. Also, I like when there's multiple narratives yet each character still has their own distinct unique voice. Good writing, super good plot, I would recommend for an easy read that you want to keep you hooked.


there is meant to be an accent over the a in Saenz but I don't know how to get an accent on my laptop.
This is about two boys called Aristotle and Dante and their friendship (the synopsis' get worse and worse as the post continues). I've had this book for ages, but never read it until a few weeks ago because I was always put off by the cover, but I was stupid for that, because it's a great book. It's more light hearted than the others I've mentioned, it's an easy read. I like the way it's written, it doesn't have massive paragraphs or anything and is pretty dialogue heavy. I just really enjoyed this book, I don't know if it's because it was more of a journey than an actual plot, or the fact the novel was quite slow paced yet still entertaining or just because it satisfied my craving for an easy, romantic read. Nonetheless, this is a good book to read- what can I say, I'm a sucker for a coming of age story with an ending that leaves me feeling warm and happy.

This is a poetry book all about the poets life and the struggles she went through. Personally, I didn't enjoy it at all. I respect the author for showing her life in such an honest way, and oh boy has she had a tough life, but I just don't think it was very good poetry. I've read reviews debating whether it was poetry or not, and to me it felt like the author just hit the space bar every now and then- the spacing of the words made no impact on the text at all. It lacked the imagery and any deep meaning that belongs in poetry, or any text. It promotes self love but in such a recycled way, the authors story is unique but to me the poem just lacked the depth and beauty that poetry is meant to have. It felt like reading a diary that had been spaced out unnecessarily, in fact the only times I understood the reasoning for the spaces was when the words were making a shape, but shape poetry is a thing that should be left in primary school in my opinion. Harsh, but this poetry book was expensive and all in all, not overly worth it in my view, however I have read some reviews that absolutely loved it. And I like the cover. 

I've set myself reading goals for this month/May, to help keep me reading as I seem to stop so easily. I'm putting my goals here to keep me motivated to complete at least some of them.
-Read a Shakespeare play (Othello or Hamlet preferably)(in case you wondered)
-Read some poetry (preferably some Virginia Woolf poetry)
-Read some non-fiction books
-Read 'The Go Between' 
-Begin '1984'

My issue with this list though, is that I am so very poor at the moment, so I can't buy any books and I own most of these books but not all, but I need to wait till the end of May to buy some. I just want to read so many books, but my concentration lately is so terrible. Let me know any good books you guys have read, I'm always looking for recommendations! 

Feeling Funky

2 May 2018

One of the things I find hard is saying hi to people when I see them out and about. When I'm in a shop and I see my mums friend, I know I need to say hello, but I don't know how to make my way over and make them aware of my presence without startling them. I end up either trying to create a lot of noise so they notice me and begin the greetings, or I walk over and just kind of stand in front of them and say hello quite loudly but for some reason whenever I do that my arms stay at my side. Either way it's uncomfortable and ungraceful and that feeling of not knowing how to say hello is how I feel trying to open this post.

This is an outfit I would like to show you for a number of reasons. Firstly, because I think it's a cool outfit. Secondly, because I read Eleanors blog a lot and a while ago she done a post (here!) about this brand Maison De Choup and ever since reading her post I wanted to buy a t-shirt from this brand, and now I finally have. I don't feel overly qualified to talk about his brand and what not, but here are my reasonings for wanting to have a Maison De Choup t-shirt and for wanting to buy many more:

  • I love the simplicity of the designs, I quite like to wear bold trousers so having a t-shirt with a little design on it is always wanted by me. More than just looking nice though, the designs are symbolic, you can read the description of the top I got here 
  • Ethical!
  • Also I didn't know this at the time, but the tops are super soft and super good quality
  • If you buy from the 'Words Fail Me' collection, 25% of the proceeds go to YoungMinds, a charity dedicated to improving the wellbeing and mental health of young people. 
  • Supporting independent brands is always nice, but Maison de Choup is just such a pure brand, I love that it has a social cause at it's heart and that by just buying a t-shirt I felt like I was doing something. Albeit none of my money went to charity, but I don't know how to explain but all I want to do is support the business. I just love everything about Maison de Choup (again thanks to Eleanor because without her I would have remained ignorant and never knew such groovy clothes with amazing intentions existed) 
  • I thought my order was lost (it wasn't, turns out my mum had wrapped it up for me) so I sent them an email and George replied so fast and he used a lot of exclamation marks and I trust people who use exclamation marks. Also a little postcard came with the top. I don't know!! I just love it all!! Everyone buy from Maison De Choup, your heart will feel warm and you'll look cool


There is a ramble for you, I don't know how I ever used to write outfit posts. On a side note, I paired it with my tartan trousers which are from Brick Lane which I absolutely love, and these earrings from ASOS which I'm obsessed with. All in all, everything about this outfit I love (except my socks, but nobody's perfect). Peace! 

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