living in a movie

24 November 2019

I have been gone for a while for a number of reasons, the main one being that second year is fucking me over a lot more than first year and I am feeling the pressure of my essays counting towards my final grade- something I struggle to accept because the imminent fear of the future is combined with this added pressure making me, quite frankly, absolutely terrified. I then didn’t write as much, feared that when I tried to write again it would be too difficult so I just didn’t write for ages and then low and behold- the time came to write and I just couldn’t. At the moment though, my life is resembling a movie too much and the person I want to talk to about it most, I can’t because they are involved with the dramatic and stressful happenings of said movie. So, I am here to vent.



things I want to say:

-I am starting to lose faith that anyone has their shit together, but I would find it very comforting if someone did
-I have found out something about someone I care about a lot and it has really changed my perspective on them, but I don't know if some of my new attitudes are justified or if I am just being too empathetic
-my life resembles a movie too much at the moment and I am the annoying protagonist that you scream at telling them to sort their lives out
- ‘don’t seek happiness where you lost it’ is a dumb phrase because sometimes you need to look there to be reminded of why it can no longer be your source of happiness, but also to see how things can change and how such a thing can cause you a new type of happiness
-Because of my tendency to understand/accept happenings of my life in a hollywood way, I’m really struggling to decide what is genuine in my head and what has been warped by Hollywood induced expectations of life
- Getting older means you have to accept and talk about your feelings more and although it can be hard, I had a really weird conversation the other day about my feelings and I still feel weird about it but fuck me is it good to just lay things out on the table. Moral of the story - don’t keep things in if something someone is doing is making you feel weird. You should only feel confused by yourself, not other people
-Emotions are actually really difficult to navigate and you can want something, but when presented with the thing you want/ the possibility of something you think you want it can actually just really confuse you
-Getting older is actually really fucking difficult
-Lying/ Bending the truth to protect others is dumb, it may make things easier in the short term but not in the long run
- if we were able to control the ones we loved and control our emotions life would be so fuckin easy
- but so much literature and music is about the fact we’re unable to feel such things so its not all bad
-being upset about your appearance is time consuming and dumb but impossible to stop

I wanted to do more of a life update post, but to be completely honest my life is void of any interesting updates that I can share online.

Im fearing all the adult things I need to begin, but my emotions and the way I navigate through life and confusion are improving greatly.

 I’m throwing in a quote here, it’s not really relevant to my life at the moment, but if you disregard its emphasis on heartbreak and just relate it to any form of sadness or whatever in your life, it appeals wonderfully

 “We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything - what a waste!”


unexpected happenings at uni

23 September 2019


good luck to everyone going back/ starting uni! I also wish good luck to everybody else, but this list is specially for uni goers/ first time uni goers. I found that when I went to unviersity a lot of things happened that I didn't think would, and although I have no advice on how to conquer such happenings I figured I'd tell you some of the unexpected that happened to me, so if it happens to you you do not feel as alone/ shocked at your emotions. 

believe it or not, this photo isn't actually of Leeds. 

things to expect at university (some pleasant, some not) 
  • Intense friend crushes
  • Stress that everyone has made more friends for you (they haven’t, everybody has this fear but it is not true)
  • Stress that people are living their uni lives better than you (it’s all a facade baby, do what makes you happy)
  • You will meet so many different people - people who are rich, people who live on farms. It’s the first time I fully met people outside my social circle and it is crazy - I never knew so many people went skiing on the regular!
  • Leaving things to soak is a banging way of doing the washing up, just don’t forget about it
  • Your cutlery will get stolen
  • You’ll catch yourself eating some strange things out of sheer desperation
  • You will get ill at some point, and that illness will never truly pass until you’re at home
  • There is no pressure to go on every night out that your friends are going on, respect and listen to your body
  • Depending on the university, mental health support can be challenging to find but don’t fear finding it. Seek help as soon as you feel something is not right, you are responsible for yourself at university- you got to be proactive for yourself.
  • You will adopt some disgusting slang and it won’t pass no matter how long you are at home away from the person who introduced such slang into your life (thank you to my friend Bella for making me say dank all the time, disgusting word yet I can’t stop)
  • Some people who you don’t usually find attractive will suddenly become really sexy when they’re cooking - there’s no point in trying to understand this attraction, it just happens
  • You may not find best friends within your flat, you may not find friends till second term. It doesn’t matter when you make friends, just don’t feel disheartened by not making any instantly - sign up to societies you’re interested in, ask people for coffee dates. Everyone is in the same boat, and everyone is always willing to make more friends so don’t be put off if you think people are already settled within a group
  • Dependable on the person, but me and a lot of the friends I made at university all decided it made us considerably less healthy looking. My skin broke out from lack of sleep, stress and too much alcohol, my face as well got swollen from all the alcohol (classic alcohol face) but it’s one of those things that seem upsetting at first, but you shouldn’t get upset from these things. It’s university, first year is intense in terms of making friends, and it depends what sort of person you are but going out can be a key bonding factor. Don’t fret about these things, because it is natural and normal and although may be upsetting, it is reflective of a good time. (not to encourage obsessive drinking/ disregard of your health this is just to say do not worry about any alterations in appearance, just try your best to remain relatively healthy and know that if you do get bad skin and complete loss of a jawline I was in the exact same boat, along with a lot of my friends)
  • Chances are no one is as cool as you think they are, yet if you still find them intimidatingly cool after a while they're probably a dickhead. Coolness isn't to do with appearance, it's to do within. (philosophical)

what is love if it's not young?

1 September 2019

(Musings caused by this podcast - Love Stories with Stanley Tucci by Dolly Alderton)

Adults always refer to young love as being fierce and intense. I think I understand it in a way, as it is the first time you have experienced such intense feelings so of course your first love is overwhelming and all consuming. It is also a time before you have experienced heart break, so you love unguardedly and proudly. Then again, I don't entirely understand the concept of young love and how it differs to adult love, I don't understand what it is to be in love in adulthood.



(disclaimer - 'libby, you're overthinking this!' , I know, but it's a musings post. I keep hearing things about young love, of first love, but why is the romantic love we experience in our youth such a distinguished thing! I don't know, and I know I want to accept more and understand less but I am discarding that mantra for the sake of this post. Also, I love love. I am a hopeless romantic, of course I'm going to think about what is so distinctive about young love and what adult love may entail)

Sometimes I wonder whether I find the differences in love so difficult to grasp because in my first proper relationship we went from the confusion of teenage years to the beginning of adulthood together, and with that the love I felt matured with me, but not entirely. They say young love is pure, and it undenialy began that way; the excitement at having sleepovers, the initial unsuritiy of sexual boundaries and the questions our hands held as they moved from beyond our faces was exhilirating - but is that a component of young love? Or simply the effects of loving someone? Or perhaps the feelings are still there, but just less intense, and the questions are briefer. Is the excitement from a sleepover lessed by the fact it is expected and no longer such a scandalous concept?

I can't imagine what it means to be in a loving adult relationship. The purity is diminshed by the confidence you express lust with as you get older, but then what fuels the excitement in an adult, loving relationship? What does it mean for the scandal to be diminished? I think that maybe, the exhiliration that comes from hiding the invisible marks of kisses changes into a simple glow, a happiness is left behind rather than the electrified feeling of need to conceal anything that can give away that more than just a kiss happened. This isn't to say I think adult love is void of excitement, more that I think I will miss the innocence of young love. I have some understanding of adult loving relationships, but will I sometimes feel unable to contain my love and display it through tight squeezes - was that young love me or just me?

In the podcast they both agree that the euphoria that comes with your first love isn't experienced again and I find that sad in a way. I know it is normal, and that love is exciting no matter what your age, and in fact it is slightly relieving to know that I won't face that intensity again. It is sad though that the more you love as you get older the less innocent and pure it becomes, because a small part of you will always be guarded in a way as you unknowingly begin to protect yourself a little more. I guess that is a good thing, but a shame that we can't always live in that unknowing bubble of purity and excitement. There is also the concern of the future in adult relationships, a worry our young selves never had to face. Perhaps my confusion stems from the fact I don't want to have such concerns, that I want to love freely and easily and think that can't be done without the naivety and purity my young self had? I don't know. I know love isn't that big a thing, and that love is love, I just don't fully understand why young love is such a distinguished thing, so seperate from adulthood. One day I will though. (or maybe not, maybe I'll never be in romantic love again - yikes !)



human sunshine + wonderful people + feeling proud

24 August 2019

just a musing post.

(the ultimate ray of sunshine) 
I feel like I go on about this a lot, but I just don’t understand how there are some people who are so pure and good in the world. It is like these people just radiate sunshine, even their pessimism and sarcasm are bound up in goodness. They have an innocence that remains intact, despite having been exposed to the majority of what the world has to offer. There is a purity that remains within them. There is a need to protect them, to shield them from those who aren’t as friendly, who aren’t as good natured but also a knowledge that nothing would be able to dim the glow of goodness that is forever inside them.

 I don’t know if they’re rare to come by, but I know four people who I’m pretty sure captured a ray of sunshine when they were born. They are good and pure and fierce and loyal and intelligent and are just such good people. Sometimes I feel in awe of what their life will become, because such wonderful people will only be able to do wonderful things for the world. It sounds wet and lame, but we all know the sort of people I’m talking about. They are beyond nice, their negative traits compliment their good traits perfectly. They are just human sunshine.

The inclusion of such people in my life does not diminish how wonderful others are though. The past few days of my life have featured many a tube journey where I have forgotten my book, leaving me to entertain myself and I just can't get over how proud of some of my friends I am. I have told them of this pride, but one too many train journeys has made my heart swell so I have to let my blog be my outlet, because if I carry on gushing to my friends it will just seem insincere.

  • My boys played at a festival and filled out the motherfucking tent! I have seen the effort of this band and it made my heart glow finding out people outside of our social circle were also appreciating their music (link to their tunes) (ps - they are called Gold Beach) (pps - my fave tunes are Paris & See The Light)
  • My friend who dropped out of university due to not liking his course and coming back to study something else - it doesn't seem like that big a deal, but it is! Imagine the stress of having to tell people you are dropping out, of having to take a second gap year (whilst no other friends are home!), the fear of being two years older than everybody else (even though this isn't a fear he should have) and having to leave the amazing friends you had already made- stressful! Proud of him for making the right desicion
  • I don't know if I've mentioned it enough here but one friend has her play being performed at the fringe fest. Not only that, but it has received some amazing reviews. It is more than it's success though - to write something and have the courage to let others scrutinise it, to commit to such a project whilst handling university, frustrating friendships and every other stress life can throw at you is an amazing achievement.
  • My friend studying at Oxford University - the infamous Oxford! Oxford!! Just sometimes I realise the meaning of studying at Oxford, all the history it has, the struggle to get in, the intensity of the workload, it's fucking Oxford!!
  • My friend who went to France for two months over summer to work in a hotel in an attempt to improve her French- but the barvery! She went all alone to a remote village in France where nobody spoke English!
  • My friend making it through first year whilst always remaining positive, an absolute bundle of smiles of and joy and positivity despite losing her sister earlier in the year 

I feel proud of many things my friends do, but these have been on my mind the most lately. 

good entertainment / educational entertainment from yours truly

8 August 2019

Summer is here, and if you're anything like me you have absolutley fuck all money to be spending, and fuck all friends to be hanging out with anyway (side note - I do have friends just all of them are on holiday, thus my summer is largely being spent in a state of bitter isolation). Never fear though, you don't have to spend your days mindlessly watching TV because in my lifetime I have compiled a list of enjoyable entertainment that will leave you pondering over your life, your wellbeing, what love truly is, the way romantic love evolves within your life, what you need for happiness, how grown up you really were when you were 15 etc etc. However, the list does not stop there! I have enducational entertainment for you too, because the world is unjust in who it gives a voice. Basically, if you want to be filled with a bittersweet sensation/ want to have some pensive walks/ want to learn but not feel like you're learning, then this is the list for you!



Mid 90's - jonah hills directorial debut ! it's a stunning film, shot with nostalgia as the filming appears as though done on film camera, sometimes switching to the viewpoint of one of the boys camera. every shot is beautifu, the soundtrack is insane and the story line is gripping. It's about a thirteen year old boy trying to find a place where he fits in, him beginning to understand there is a world outside the way he sees it. I have a lot to say about this film, but am struggling to put it in to words. It is an amazing film, filled with nostalgia and will make you think of your own childhood. The film just feels honest.

watch if you :
- want to laugh and cry
- be left with a strange melancholic feeling
- see some beautiful shots
- see some sick skateboarding
- feel proud of Jonah Hill
- think about your own childhood, defining moments that made you grow up, think about the naivety of youth and the way we protect innocence

Everything I Know About Love - Pretty sure everyone knows about this book. I was late to the party, but apparently a lot of my friends were even later and now it is circling around my friendship group. 

Read if you:
- are feeling romantically lonely
- struggling with friendships/ jealousy within friendships
- you want to laugh
- you are struggling with your mental health a lil (encourages reaching out for help and also just is a lovely book about loving yourself and accepting yourself) 

What's it like living in China? with Scarlett Wang - Getting Curious - It gives an honest insight into life in China, speaking about the attitude towards drugs in China, what it's like being a teenager there and why certain sites are blocked, it talks about their elections and just so many things!  To be honest, I would list every Getting Curious episode here, each are so insightful and Jonathan is just a wonderful guy but this one just gave such an honest portrayal of a culture I knew little about. 

Listen if you
- Love Jonathan Van Ness
- Want to understand more about life in China
- Are tidying your room (I love listening to podcasts whilst tidying my room) 

Louis Theroux - Mothers on Edge - Maybe I'm bias because I am in love with Louis (who isn't though) but this was such an insightful documentary. It's about Mothers who struggle with their mental health after giving birth, but I found when watching it that although I know of post-partum depression, I didn't understand the full extent of it nor the many other things women can go through after giving birth. It's done in classic Louis style, not overly intrusive and very open and trusting giving you the best glimpse into these mothers lives and telling a story that is not often heard. It is a sad watch, but a watch everybody should give. Although it makes the concept of birth even more terrifying it will also give you a new appreciation of mothers.

Watch if you:
- are prepared to cry
- want to learn about the less glamourise side of parenthood / a side that is rarely spoken about
- have an interest in mental health
- want to feel proud of women
- are prepared to have a little crush on Louis (why is it seeing men with babies always makes me feel some kind of way)

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