a sweaty tent but feeling good

13 July 2018

What's up sluts!! Blogging took a back seat for a while, not sure why, but it did and now to write feels weird as it feels so unnatural to me at the moment, so please excuse the shambles of what this post will be. Or it may be in shambles due to my excitement as I'm going to go see The Incredibles 2 later. Or it may be shambles because my brain moves faster than my fingers ever will. Either way, shambles!

I am recently back in England after my first (out of two) holidays this summer. Me and my pals went to Belgium to go to Rock Wertcher, a music festival and oh boy did we have a good time. It was very different to what I'm used to, I've only ever been to festivals in the UK before where everyone is pretty much off their nut the entire time, where shouting and chanting can be heard at all hours, where people jump and dance in crowds. I'm used to mosh pits and coming out a crowd sweaty, I'm used to leaving a festival with a sore throat and a strange sense of community as British people all seem to come together at festivals. This festival was different though, there was a lot of safety procedures (depending on which stage you were at, you weren't allowed on peoples shoulders), only a certain amount of people could be let into a tent where a stage was, the main stage was set up into sections. It was very well organised but I don't know, I just feel some of the safety procedures sucked the fun out of things. Also, the crowds just weren't as loud as what I'm used to, I was only in one mosh pit, and no matter who was standing around us (young or old people) nobody seemed to get that into the music. You could pretty much always tell who was British/ Australian and who wasn't, usually British girls were covered in glitter, absolutely filthy and very loud whereas other people were a lot more tame. It was an unexpected difference in culture. The festival was still fun though, I saw a lot of good music, had many laughs and felt a sense of confidence that I'm not used to.

random backgrounds from here 

some of my highlights of the festival are:
-When we were waiting for Arctic Monkeys to come on my friends boyfriend really needed a wee but we had a good spot in the crowd, so he done what would be considered normal at an English festival, and just went in a bottle, but then the bottle got too full and it went all over my leg. Sounds grim, but it was absolutely hilarious.
-After the last act on Sunday it was as if someone had filled the air with an inescapable happiness, everywhere I looked people were smiling and the air was so warm. It was just such a happy moment, people were crowding around doing jump rope, people were spraying water guns, there was just such a buzz. Man, got to love a festival!
-One night me and my friends done dares, and although the dares would have been more appreciated at an English festival, we still found them hilarious. One of my friends had to go up to people pretending to be a dog (most people just ignored her), my other friend had to sit in the middle of the path and throw her sock at someone (that was taken well by the person, he was Scottish and just whipped out a hand pocket and his mate told my friend that he loved her), I had to try and get past someone by crawling through their legs (I pulled it off quite well). The only dare that went quite badly was when I had to sniff someones hair and ask what shampoo they use, so I did (please bear in mind I am not a flirtatious person, I was highly drunk and all my friends were laughing right next to us) and then I'm assuming this guys girlfriend threatened to slap me for saying that so I apologised and told her it was just a dare (in what world is that flirting though, I literally ran up to these people and sniffed his hair, there was no build up, there was nothing romantic about the gesture) and then after my apology she told me to fuck off! To which I did
-At The Magic Gang the crowd was quite small, and it was so warm, and everyone was bobbing and singing along, and it just felt so wonderful.
-At Franz Fernidad we didn't get in as too many people were inside the tent, but we stood outside the tent with a group of people and all jumped along, created our own moshpits, it was great
-Sitting on the field looking up at the screen whilst First Aid Kit were on, sipping my wine, chatting absoloute bullshit with my friends feeling the sun cover my body. It's as if the sun was shielding us from every bad thing in the world at that moment. I can't think of a word that does that moment justice, but I'm going to go for utter bliss.
-Waking up in the morning, covered in sweat and feeling absolutely vile but getting to see my best friends and know the day was going to be filled with laughs.
-Waking up in the morning and watching my friend find a dead bug in between her toes
-Doing the worm outside the tent and having people cheer me on
-Seeing George Ezra live for a second time. Unfortunately, he didn't spot me in the crowd and ask me to marry him. Maybe next time.
-Going on my friends shoulders throughout the entirety of Spaceman, my favourite song by the Killers. I remember a couple of years ago telling my boyfriend of the time how badly I wanted to see that song live, and now I have and it was everything I hoped it would be.
-Going on a 'fifteen minute' walk to the shops and going through the strangest little Belgian village. We took a suitcase to carry back all the alcohol but the suitcase broke on the way back, so it was a bit of a nightmare but it was fun. We got some bottles of wine, but unbeknownst to us it was a cork screw. Luckily, I saved the day and broke the bottles and poured them into plastic bottles. I have never felt more important in my life than I did in that moment.
-Sitting in the train station after the festival, covered in dirt and being in a state of complete delirium

exciting things about university

27 June 2018

I currently feel horrendously dissatisfied with the fact my gap year is almost over. In a way, it's already over because if I were at university I'd currently be on summer so idk, either way my time of being a free bird is almost over and I'm not too happy about it. I just feel like I didn't do many of the things I wanted to do in this year and I wish I had more time to work and to travel, but I also can tell I need to go to university. For some reason, to me, the end of this year signifies a loss of freedom but then I realised that was dumb. If I wanted another year off, I could take one, but the only point would be to travel more, and I can do that after university. I keep getting so blinded by a fear of university that I forget it's actually an incredible experience that is (hopefully) going to hold so many great opportunities for me. To be quite honest, I am scared shit of exams and despite never achieving top grades where they are most necessary, I still feel a need to get top grades all the time, which is dumb and unrealistic and creates an unnecessary fear which consequently leads to massive doubts about uni and education and ahh! I'm also scared about making friends at university, I'm worried about flat mates, I'm worried about money, for being judged about my degree, grades (if only I could be permanently protected from any form of grading/judging system), I'm worried about my health and how I'll most likely be too lazy to stay healthy. An overall sensation of panic seems to tear away any form of reasoning when I think about university and it makes my brain worry about shit that's not even important. However, I am currently in a blessed moment of clarity. University isn't being forced on me and I feel so frickin ready to go

this photo is relevant as it was me at the beginning of many drinks which lead to my revelation that  I need to stop being such a wuss when I think about university. also I needed a photo to add and my friend has my camera. :)

-Meet new people! Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and I feel like this year a lot of things have happened and the distance between me n my pals have made friendships a little bit harder, but it made me realise how much I love my pals and what I value in friendships but I also feel ready to meet new people. I have discovered there's so many different types of people who I've never really met and I want to meet these sort of people and I reckon Leeds will have such a variety of people. Also, I'm glad I've sort of figured out more about myself/ the people I like as I'm hoping it will help protect me from bad friendships in the future. It sounds lame saying I've realise what I value in a friendship but it's true!
-Learning is sick, I miss learning. I miss writing an essay and feeling proud, of learning new things and telling my friends fun facts. I'm still not entirely sure the degree I've chosen is right for me, but I have had a whole year to create doubts about it, so it's understandable that I'm not sure.
- Partyin!! I love to party, I love dancing, I love getting drunk, I love walking the streets at 4am talking absolute shit with friends. I love waking up after a night out and having a shower then getting back into bed. I hate the drunk paranoia and I hate how embarrassed I feel the day after I've been drunk, but I love a good boogie.
-Similar note to new people, but new boys! I'm not hoping I'll find love at university but I am hoping to find a Robert Pattinson doppelgänger
- Although having to sort out a house for second year is terrifying as heck it's also so cool to imagine living in a house with pals (lets just hope that actually happens)
- I just really want to make friends for life. One of my friends is at university and her time, although hard, seems to be filled with wonderful people and I want that.
-I want more opportunities, I want to see more plays and get involved with societies. I'm excited to push the boat out (the boat being me) and test out new things, even though I'm a pussy, the thought of being part of a uni newspaper, or trying out debating or just trying anything new is so exciting.

Give me that newness!

I get worried when people who are at uni/have already been, tell me stories about how great uni is because I'm worried my experience won't hold as many great things as theirs, and that if I listen too closely to their stories that I will expect such a great turn out form uni and will ultimately be disappointed if I don't get the same, but university is three years. Maybe even four! I don't want to jinx it by saying that in those 3 years it's inevitable that I'll meet good people and have a good time, but I am really hoping its true. Peace !

life shit

8 June 2018

I realised the other day that it's been a year since I done my exams and I just find that so fucking weird. I still have nightmares about exams, I wake up in the middle of the night stressed because I haven't revised at all, but of course I haven't, I've got no exams. I wonder how I'm going to cope with university if I'm still being haunted by A-levels, but I guess we'll see! To be honest, I'm just shocked it's June and my gap year feels over in a way and I haven't accomplished much but at the same time so many things have changed that 'accomplishing' anything seems ridiculous as too much has changed for anything to stay the same long enough to reach some sort of goal in that area. I don't know. Confusing!

good shit
-My friends are returning from uni, and I've missed them. Although something feels weird about them returning. I don't know. I feel like I've changed, I've found comfort in my own company and not having plans but now I feel a pressure to have plans when I don't always need plans. I also don't really like change, and we've all changed and, I don't know, I just feel like this summer is going to include a lot of accepting changes, whether they be good or bad. Maybe this doesn't belong in this section. I'm excited to have all my pals back though.
-Drinking green tea in bed whilst watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine makes me happy, although now I've finished Brooklyn Nine-Nine and I'm not sure what to do.
-I can enjoy summer, there is no pressure of exams.
-I feel a lot of love for my friends at the moment
-I have mixed feelings about university, but I'm beginning to have more good feelings than bad and I'm excited to meet new people
- I had a really good night out with my friend the other day and then we spent the whole of the next day on my couch with duvets cuddling with my dog. It's the type of day I used to dream about, a day completely free of responsibility. It was bliss.
-Weather is warming up so I can wear my cute ass cardigan

exciting shit
-I'm going to a gig Tuesday night with two of my best friends, just a small gig, but I'm excited. I don't appreciate London enough, and the other week I went to a free gig in Soho, and it was just so cool. It was really groovy and liberating and there's just something special about walking through the darkened streets of London on a week night with just your pals. I can't put it into words, but walking in the dark, warm summer air makes me a feel a certain way. It makes me feel like I'm the only person who exists, and whoever I'm with. A comforting state of solitude. I'm looking forward to the gig, and for walking at night in summer.
-I love the cinema. I love going to the cinema late at night. It is a simple thing that fills me with so much joy that lately an excited movement takes over my body the day before going to the cinema. Aka, I have to do an excitement dance, which is lame because it's the cinema.
-I'm going to a festival with my friends and I felt nervous about it before but now I'm excited. I wish I had more money so I could book more trips and shit, but all trip booking has to wait till pay day (which sucks)

other shit
I don't know. I wanted this to be a catch up post but it's hard to do a catch up post because I feel like there hasn't been much to catch up on. I like to do these posts as I find them therapeutic, laying out my life and going over things that have happened lately. It hasn't felt as therapeutic this time, but I think that's because there hasn't been much to catch up on.
-I'll just put this here. I find less comfort in the thought that good things happen to good people and vica verca. I would like to have some sense of blind faith that the universe has my back and everyone will get what they deserve, but I don't think that's the way life goes. It's annoying. I'm not overly woke or anything but ah man do I wish I had more of that childhood naivety left.

conflicting things

30 May 2018

Life lately has been strange, I feel like I've been working non stop when that isn't the case? I have so many things I want to do, but never seem to have the motivation in me to do them leaving me feeling unsatisfied a lot of the time. I can't help but feel like I am wasting my days, and by the time this realisation comes about I have work the next day and then I'm left with a battle between experiencing the amazing things London has to offer and getting enough rest so I don't get moody at work. It is a ridiculous battle, one that leaves me feeling exhausted nonetheless, but it's stupid as I should be able to go out the night before work. I should be experiencing things more. I feel like my life has come to an unattractive halt, barricades have been put up and although they just need a gentle push I am unable to break them down.

I am on medication that makes me tired, an insufferable tiredness, but I don't want to give up the medication as I am on it for a reason. I can't tell if the tiredness is stemming from the medication though, or coming from my brain, or an actual fault in my body. It's all a bit confusing really. I want to be the healthy girl who does yoga, who drinks enough water but to be completely honest I can't touch my toes and my body is constantly flooded by caffeine (as an attempt to not be so tired? because I enjoy drinking coffee? take your pick, I'm not sure the answer). I feel frustrated that I am not experiencing things, I feel that I haven't done enough but the only thing working against me completing anything is myself. I am lost in visions of the near future that are filled purely with work, even though I know that isn't the case and I have so many fun days to come.

I want the gap year to go on further, I want to save up and explore more places. I want more time to venture into London and experience the amazing things it has to offer (it's hard to do that though as I need a guide but how does someone find a guide to show them all the hidden nooks and crannies). I want to go to university as well though, I want more friends, I want to learn. I feel education validates my existence but then what will I do when I don't do that well? I want to move out from home and be free, I want to dance into the early hours of the morning and live a life of laughter but I also want to go to bed early and find fun in sobriety.

It's all a bit conflicting really. Peace!

some things to make you happy

21 May 2018

You know how a lot of the time when it's sunny people comment on how the weather can effect your mood and we're all like wow! Love this sun, I am so happy! Well don't fret lads, I have compiled a list of good things that can give you happiness, whether it be momentarily or a lingering sense of the feeling, here are a few things that are guaranteed to give you a lil joy.

side note- this list is short, because there's a few things we all know can boost your mood (aka making your bed, doing a facemark) but I don't know. I've read some heartwarming things lately, watched a few heartwarming things, heard some songs that are happy, I figured I'd share.

-read 'Humans' or 'How To Stop Time' (I've heard it's equally as uplifting). If you want a soppy, classic teen romance novel that will make you cringe in an enjoyable way, read 'Anna and The French Kiss' or 'The Truth About Forever'. 'Wonder' is also a very heartwarming book, but it did make me cry. (People say the film is also uplifting, but I cried throughout the entire film, so I disagree with that)

-watch 'Queer Eye' on Netflix. It's really heartwarming, some may say suspiciously heartwarming- there were some episodes I had no reason to feel as warm inside as I did. If you want a laugh I recommend 'Brooklyn 99', me and my friend have been marathoning it together as a way to cure her broken heart and even if it's not curing anything, it's certainly making her laugh.

-listen to 'My Dad Wrote A Porno'. It makes me cackle. If you're not in the mood for a podcast, listen to Tom Mischs new album, it's banging and is lovely to the ears. I can't really think of any songs that are all round happy songs with happy lyrics, but I'm really digging 'Ubu' by Methyl Ethel at the moment.

-I have found having a late night meet up with a friend is also quite heartwarming. Finding a friend who will give you company when you can't be bothered for company but need someone else presence is heartwarming.

-drink a j2o. or a fun drink, any fun drink, I just feel like it's hard to be sad when drinking a j2o you know? They're a special drink, a drink that was reserved in childhood for special occasions only.

some things not to do if you want to feel heart warmed
- don't look at old photos, chances are someone will be in them to upset you. (not saying looking at old photos is always bad, but just on a sad day I find it rarely helps. Unless you don't linger on old broken friendships/ have good plans in the future)

-don't read 'Lolita'. It is too long, the writing is too pretentious and it will make you feel dumb for not being able to finish the novel. Also because the plot is messed up.

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