no focus

4 December 2018

Since going to university everything feels like it has shifted out of focus. I'm not sure why or how or how to be able to grasp some form of understanding, but it's frustrating.

throwback 

University is a bubble. I know the walk to university, I know the short cut to Sainsbury's, I know my favourite milk in Morrisons isn't kept with the other vegan milks. I know who is knocking on my door by the rhythm that they knock, I know I can pop next door whenever I want, I go to sign language classes on Wednesday. My life has a routine, but it doesn't. I'm not really sure why I'm here, I'm not sure if I'm doing first year 'right', I can't understand why I'm unable to write in my diary anymore, let alone a blog post. I think my blog used to give me a sense of purpose, despite it being a minuscule purpose it felt like it contributed to my life. Writing used to give me more importance than it does now, albeit it was a psychological importance, I've lost it now and I've adopted the cliche mentality of 'what is going on and what is the fucking meaning'. I'm not unhappy though, I love the people here, I love the fact I get to go to university, I love the fact the pub is pretty much always a motive and that technically the whole world is at my fingertips with all the things on offer in my student union, but something just isn't right.

On most of my nights out, in my peak state of drunk, I get an overwhelming sense of panic of where my home actually is, where my home will be, what my life will be. Will I ever live in a house with a study of my own where I will go to after reading a bedtime story to my kids? Will I be fortunate enough to do my weekly shop in Marks and Spencer's? Will I ever even have kids? Am I going to be shot saving the person I love who yet could never have and have my final words be 'I will always love you'? The last one probably not, but still. There is something not right. People don't find a purpose in university, but I thought it would spark something. I thought going to university would spark a courage in me to pursue more things, but perhaps the spark hasn't happened yet because it's winter and the sky is too full of cold to allow for any fire.

I feel lost and confused, but not unhappy. I'm not ready to leave this bubble for Christmas but I have a feeling I'll leave this bubble only to slip into another bubble, a bubble of going to work, doing work and waiting to go back to university. Growing up is very strange. I don't know if I'd like to be given some hint of my future, a hint towards what's to come or whether I'm enjoying navigating this strangeness. Enjoy may be too strong a word.

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