How 2018 Began And How It Will End

3 January 2018

Happy new year everyone, I hope everyones year has had a great start! Seeing as my blog is my publicised diary I am beginning this year with a personal post because one of my resolutions it try and accept and talk about my feelings more. I don't overly believe in New Years resolutions though as I'm more of a do it when you want but I've decided to set a few aims for 2018 because I like lists. 2017 was tough for me, I struggled a lot through the year purely being because I struggle with depression which is not something new at all- however I went through a lot of things this year which were undeniably blown out of proportion by an unkind brain. This is a big deal by the way, because my mental stability is not something I often talk about but is something I've wanted to talk about on my blog for sometime and I think in 2018 I may be ready to talk about some things. The beginning of the year was met with an invalidating counsellor plus the fear of a new year which combined with exams put me in a very unhappy mindset which is ultimately why I didn't go to university in 2017, because I knew if I did my brain would unravel even more and there would be nothing left. My sadness never really stems from anything as my life is ultimately, very good, and then actual things happened and I've never really had an external influence to my mental health. However, this helped me to talk about it. It is hard because so many people self diagnose recently and I feel like 2017 was a big year of glamourising mental illness and I'm not sure where the line between raising awareness and using for publicity is but I do think it was crossed quite a lot this year which made it a lot harder to feel like my feelings were real. If that makes sense. Either way, I'm not going to say new year new me because a brain is a brain but I will talk about my feelings more this year.

I'm not a big fan of the phrase leaving stuff in 2017 either because I worry a lot and nothing can get left behind. I'm hoping my necessity to hold onto things makes things better in 2018 though as there are somethings I need to come to terms with and not being able to let them go will fuel this desire. This year I was betrayed by some people I trust most. One of my really good friends ended up having questionable priories and another good friend done some things which  weren't very kind at all. In 2018 I will talk about these things to these people, rather than drunkenly talking about it and complaining about how it isn't fair because I'm sure most things will be justifiable with a conversation. Once I have a conversation memories I share with these people won't be so bitter to me and although the fact of what they've done will still be there it probably won't be as sour to me.. Another sad part of 2017 was my exams, which I was hoping would fill me with pride but instead I worked so hard to be met with grades which I deserved better than. Also my dog died. My 2017 ended seeing my ex boyfriend dancing with another girl and kissing at midnight, consequently making my 2018 begin with 3 jagerbombs in a row followed by some shots of tequila. The taste was horrendous.  I'm not that mad at him though, as I know this is inevitable- I just wish it didn't happen whilst he was right next to me. However, I plan on meeting up with him in March and chatting because I am a big fan of closure and at the end of the day we were bestfriends and I'd like the friendship to continue. The rest of my night was great though because we went back to my friends and we danced and sang, I drank green tea and lied in bed with my friends talking about Robbie Williams. I was horrendously drunk but it was worth it. Then I went home and saw we had gluten free mozzarella sticks which made me realise 2018 can't be any worse than 2017.

There were good moments of 2017. I saw  Kinky Boots, I got completely off my nut with my friends, I met my nephew and new puppy. A lot of good memories are attached to sad ones though, such as going around Europe with someone who made it difficult, I finished my exams but with grades I don't appreciate, I got a full time job that has made me bitter. I did pass my driving test though, which is a miracle as I thought I'd be learning forever, I devoted myself to becoming a wine mum and now can get drunk for very cheap and I fully decided that I'm going to study English Literature at university. Also I met new people and found a love for Peaky Blinders (despite having to wait till 2019 for a new episode). Oh also I turned 18 and no longer have to take three buses to find somewhere that will serve me alcohol. I think ultimately 2017 was a bad year in many aspects, and many good memories are tainted however there are good memories nonetheless.

a photo of me and my nephew, probably my favourite thing to have come out of 2017.
a photo already on my blog of my main girl living it up on my 18th
a disposable that is very bad quality, but I think this was one of the best days of my trip around Europe as it was the day we all got on just like old times
my new puppy who although comes out of losing Lulu, still is one of my favourite things to have happened in 2017
a photo of Berlin, my favourite city

I always say I hope, but I need more surety and constants in my life so I'm say I will rather than I hope, also because some of these things are planned so there is no going back. So pretty much 2018 is the year I will:

-Travel. I've booked a trip round the south of Asia that is only 30 days but I am going alone (sort of, with a group organisation in which I know nobody) and hopefully my friends will go to a Spanish festival and if my Spanish is up to it I may try working in a Spanish hostel as well as a possible trip to Paris with Katie and Poland with another friend. Although I may just go to Poland by myself as I'd only go for a day to see Auschwitz.
-Call people out. I'm not overly mad at my friends anymore who have hurt my feelings because I know who my real friends are- I think my mum cares more than I do, but I still think I need to say some things otherwise I'll just drunkenly talk about things when truly it could be solved by a conversation.
-Take more disposables and journal more. Katie sent me a diary thing that I still need to fill out and I'd like to take a photo a day. Appreciate lifes beauty am I right!
-Learn Spanish, write more and knit more. These are just gap year aims to be honest.
- Read more. I read a shitty (but also lovely) teen novel the other day which has set me up to read again. I'm currently reading The Great Gatsby and next plan to read Macbeth (with the aid of Katie lol this seems like a big love letter to her)
-Wear a nice outfit at least twice a week. Too often all I do is stay in skinny jeans and a baggy jumper but I want to change this. Another thing is that I always wear tops with sleeves because I don't like my arms but I've worn sleevless things a few times on nights out lately and, shockingly, the world didn't stop.
-Gym more. I love going to the gym when I can be bothered, it always makes me feel good and my legs are getting so strong, I'm just inconsistent with the gym. I am always torn between fuck it I'm young I'll stay out and drink and also fuck it I live a very unhealthy lifestyle I should go to the gym to counterbalance all the drinking I do
-Get another tattoo, I know what I want and I've wanted it for a very long time so very exciting
-Wear my retainer more, whiten my teeth, moisturise, exfoliate. I want to be a goddess by the end of 2018.
-Post more, by that I mean once a week. That has been an aim of mine for a while but one day the aim will become a reality
-Get a part time job and volunteer somewhere (this should be easily done I hope and getting a part time job really is a gateway to a lot of my other plans)(I hope)

I think that is me done for this post. Here's to 2018 am I right lads!



18 comments

  1. 2017 a year for publicizing mental health... I couldn't agree more. I've seen people be more loss with the terms anxiety and depression as well. I don't know who to believe anymore.

    The picture of your new puppy is super cute. I also noticed that we have the same bed frame. I see it everywhere!

    All your goals sound really exciting! I made the goal to write in a journal more often too. And same with Spanish. Mine isn't that good but if I pushed myself to speak I'd probably pick it up. Shirts with selves. I'm in the same boat. My arms make me uncomfortable so I'll wear long sleeves a lot. Wishing you a wonderful 2018! Can't wait to see where you take your blog this year.

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    1. Ah that's actually my sisters bed but I'm there all the time because for some reason that's my dogs favourite room! We can learn Spanish together, I'm hoping when I return from being away I'll have a lot more time to devote myself to the language. Also you shouldn't feel uncofortable about your arms, easier said than done but they are only limbs! Hope you have a wonderful 2018 as well Vanessa x

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  2. hahah love letter to me made me laugh, its because we're going through this gap year shit together. I have a really strong feeling that, once you've returned from Asia you'll have a revitalised a reset mind frame and, because you won't be working such ridiculous hours, you'll have so much time to do the actual things that make you happy. Talking about your thoughts and feelings is so important and so refreshing and (as you can probably tell) I find my blog is the safest place to do this–talking face to face (sober) with your friends is deffs a good idea, tricky but necessary! YOUr 2017 was a challenge but you've survived and have learned so much as a result and your 2018 goals sound great, achievable and rewarding! here's to a great year

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    1. I hope I return revitalised but I am slightly worried I am placing too much importance on a month away but if anything I hope I return a bit more carefree! You? Using your blog to talk about your feelings?! Well I never. Not going to lie I feel since our friendship I have become a lot more inclined to turn to my blog. I'm not sure how achievable but I hope so! Woohoo for 2018!

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  3. I'm very sorry that you had to go through this! I absolutely understand what you're feeling - 2017 was horrible for me. Depression, anxiety and with my mom passing away I just couldn't breathe... but we need to be strong! I know saying and actually doing it is very difficult, but we need to get through things like this. I'm a true believer that if we manage to overcome our struggles, they'll only make us stronger!
    Cheers to you!
    x Mariya
    www.brunetteondemand.com

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    1. That's very true, I've read a lot of posts lately as well about needing the tough times and it's very true. I'm sorry to hear about your mum, but I hope 2018 brings you good memories and happy times and I am proud of you for making it through 2017 as I can't imagine a harder struggle than that. Hope 2018 is a great one!x

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  4. I almost felt like this was a diary entry and that I was evading your privacy because you've discussed things that I would never share and I'm very proud of you for speaking up about them :D I can't wait to hear your experiences when you're back from your month long trip in Asia ("on my gap yaaah") I think it'll be a fab change for you and a new environment will break up the mundane routine in 'here' deffo talk to you friends and resolve things before you go so you have minimum worries. I hope 2018 is a fab year for you (also gimme your puppy please)

    Dalal <3
    monochromedaisies.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks Dalal, I hope 2018 is fab for you too! Ahah so many people made gap yaah jokes to me when I said I was talking a gap year and I'm glad I'm going to Asia so I can fulfil the stereotype

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  5. Reading this I can really resonate with pretty much everything! My mental health became prominent in my life as an impact of changes in my physical health which I never could've pictured happening. I'm taking steps now to try and get things back on track as I suppose I'm lucky as a know the problems I've been dealing with mentally stem from being ill. I really hope you can keep going trying to overcome depression, I'm always here for a chat as I know how it can feel. As for friends, this year I've learnt a lot who my true friends through being ill as you realise not everyones got time for you anymore. Also with grades/uni, I did get the grades I wanted but couldn't go because of being ill so it's a bitter sweet situation and now I'm just sort of floating through this year ahaha. Your new puppy is honestly so adorable, I lost my dog end of 2016 so 2017 has been a year of adjusting to that and I wish I could have another lil pup to keep me company! Good luck with all your trips and goals this year, I'm sure you'll smash it, I have all the faith in you!

    Lucy Jane | Infinity of Fashion

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    1. Thanks for all that Lucy, you can always talk to me too! Sucks about your dog but I hope you do get another puppy soon, and I'm sorry you couldn't go to university because of your illness but I hope you get to go if that's what you want! x

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  6. I can strongly relate to your experience. Last year was also very difficult for me due to a variety of mental illnesses that I suffer with, and I also found myself frustrated with the way mental illness was being discussed and depicted in mainstream media. I'm sorry that you had to deal with an invalidating counselor. I've dealt with that several times, and it's truly one of the most frustrating things you can experience. I'm glad that you feel more comfortable talking about your mental health. Documenting your feelings is very therapeutic, whether it's in public or in private. I wish you nothing but positivity and good vibes this year!

    lahondureina.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you! Yeah documenting is good, a good release- very therapeutic. I hope you have a fab 2018 and that you make some great memories x

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  7. i really hope that 2018 is a great year for you filled with amazing memories, getting drunk with ya mates & having a fun old time and the amazing memories will make you forget about the 2017 bad memories!! 2018 is ya year libbbbbby!! xxx

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    1. Thanks Chloe, I hope you have a fab 2018 as well- there are some great memories to make :)x

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  8. I just tried to comment on this post, but I don't think it worked (haha)! Anyway, I feel so proud of you for writing this Libby, really personal stuff but so good to open up about it. 2017 sounded like a tough year, but 2018 is here now and I really hope it brings you all the happiness in the world, and you make great memories with great people. All the love!

    Lucy | Forever September

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    1. Thanks Lucy (also I keep having a problem commenting on your blog) but thank you- I think 2018 will be much better than 2017! Well I hope so at least and at least there will always be new memories :) x

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  9. its definitely best to talk about things and get them out in the open so your mindset for the year is a good one! im a big believer in the quote 'say something and let it maybe fuck things up, or dont say anything and let it fuck you up instead' which seems pretty relevant to your case, especially with your friends!

    the great gatsby is one of my favourite books of all time! such a beauty.

    wishing you all the best for 2018 my lovely! ♥

    katie. xx lacoconoire.com

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    1. That is a brilliant quote!! I am going to start living by it! Ah I am loving the Great Gatsby so far, I'm not very far into it but I am loving it. Thanks Katie, hope you have a banging 2018! x

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