embrace the clichés

Shockingly enough, a goal of mine for 2019 was to get back into the flow of blogging. When I first began blogging, my new year goals would usually be associated with posting more regularly, or just posting more in general. My priorities haven’t changed, just my level of motivation has and the amount of time and energy I seem to have in a day has greatly reduced. It’s insane how 24 hours just isn’t enough time in a day, but it should be, but it feels as though time has sped up as I’ve got older. If only life could have a pause button, or a break button or a button to press to make everything slow down.

prettier dayz

Being home for Christmas has felt strange but going back to university feels even stranger. I felt settled but not entirely settled and now the dust is swirling again and the thought of going back provides me with anything but comfort. Sometimes I look at my life and all I can see is a self that young me would be so ashamed of but that young self was also filled with so much naivety of what horrors the world held. Now I’m older and I don’t think is fair to look at my life through a lens of childhood happiness and innocence, but I want to be a self that any versions of me would respect and feel proud of. I don’t though. I guess it’s okay though because at the end of the day I’m not a drug addict, I’m at university and sure I fucked up this semester, but I have learnt for next semester, I’m not entirely unfit, I’ve managed to make friends, I don’t spend my days in bed. It’s too easy to look at mistakes. I often forget that sometimes you just have to embrace the clichés and find solace in the fact that you have to crack a few eggs to make an omelette.

This isn’t where the post was meant to go. I’m currently babysitting my nephew and I keep thinking back to this time last year, how sad and heartbroken I was and how my nephew was my key source of joy. I won’t be there for his second birthday this year, but I have friends who fill me with joy and a mended heart this year, so I have no reason to be surrounded by kids and to have their silly words fill me with laughter. I may not love who I am now but fuck me am I glad I’m not the same person I was this time last year.

What a strange post. It’s not really reflective, nor informative. Peace out, will bring better things next week I think I just needed to vent. Peace!