exciting things about university

27 June 2018

I currently feel horrendously dissatisfied with the fact my gap year is almost over. In a way, it's already over because if I were at university I'd currently be on summer so idk, either way my time of being a free bird is almost over and I'm not too happy about it. I just feel like I didn't do many of the things I wanted to do in this year and I wish I had more time to work and to travel, but I also can tell I need to go to university. For some reason, to me, the end of this year signifies a loss of freedom but then I realised that was dumb. If I wanted another year off, I could take one, but the only point would be to travel more, and I can do that after university. I keep getting so blinded by a fear of university that I forget it's actually an incredible experience that is (hopefully) going to hold so many great opportunities for me. To be quite honest, I am scared shit of exams and despite never achieving top grades where they are most necessary, I still feel a need to get top grades all the time, which is dumb and unrealistic and creates an unnecessary fear which consequently leads to massive doubts about uni and education and ahh! I'm also scared about making friends at university, I'm worried about flat mates, I'm worried about money, for being judged about my degree, grades (if only I could be permanently protected from any form of grading/judging system), I'm worried about my health and how I'll most likely be too lazy to stay healthy. An overall sensation of panic seems to tear away any form of reasoning when I think about university and it makes my brain worry about shit that's not even important. However, I am currently in a blessed moment of clarity. University isn't being forced on me and I feel so frickin ready to go

this photo is relevant as it was me at the beginning of many drinks which lead to my revelation that  I need to stop being such a wuss when I think about university. also I needed a photo to add and my friend has my camera. :)

-Meet new people! Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and I feel like this year a lot of things have happened and the distance between me n my pals have made friendships a little bit harder, but it made me realise how much I love my pals and what I value in friendships but I also feel ready to meet new people. I have discovered there's so many different types of people who I've never really met and I want to meet these sort of people and I reckon Leeds will have such a variety of people. Also, I'm glad I've sort of figured out more about myself/ the people I like as I'm hoping it will help protect me from bad friendships in the future. It sounds lame saying I've realise what I value in a friendship but it's true!
-Learning is sick, I miss learning. I miss writing an essay and feeling proud, of learning new things and telling my friends fun facts. I'm still not entirely sure the degree I've chosen is right for me, but I have had a whole year to create doubts about it, so it's understandable that I'm not sure.
- Partyin!! I love to party, I love dancing, I love getting drunk, I love walking the streets at 4am talking absolute shit with friends. I love waking up after a night out and having a shower then getting back into bed. I hate the drunk paranoia and I hate how embarrassed I feel the day after I've been drunk, but I love a good boogie.
-Similar note to new people, but new boys! I'm not hoping I'll find love at university but I am hoping to find a Robert Pattinson doppelgänger
- Although having to sort out a house for second year is terrifying as heck it's also so cool to imagine living in a house with pals (lets just hope that actually happens)
- I just really want to make friends for life. One of my friends is at university and her time, although hard, seems to be filled with wonderful people and I want that.
-I want more opportunities, I want to see more plays and get involved with societies. I'm excited to push the boat out (the boat being me) and test out new things, even though I'm a pussy, the thought of being part of a uni newspaper, or trying out debating or just trying anything new is so exciting.

Give me that newness!

I get worried when people who are at uni/have already been, tell me stories about how great uni is because I'm worried my experience won't hold as many great things as theirs, and that if I listen too closely to their stories that I will expect such a great turn out form uni and will ultimately be disappointed if I don't get the same, but university is three years. Maybe even four! I don't want to jinx it by saying that in those 3 years it's inevitable that I'll meet good people and have a good time, but I am really hoping its true. Peace !

life shit

8 June 2018

I realised the other day that it's been a year since I done my exams and I just find that so fucking weird. I still have nightmares about exams, I wake up in the middle of the night stressed because I haven't revised at all, but of course I haven't, I've got no exams. I wonder how I'm going to cope with university if I'm still being haunted by A-levels, but I guess we'll see! To be honest, I'm just shocked it's June and my gap year feels over in a way and I haven't accomplished much but at the same time so many things have changed that 'accomplishing' anything seems ridiculous as too much has changed for anything to stay the same long enough to reach some sort of goal in that area. I don't know. Confusing!

good shit
-My friends are returning from uni, and I've missed them. Although something feels weird about them returning. I don't know. I feel like I've changed, I've found comfort in my own company and not having plans but now I feel a pressure to have plans when I don't always need plans. I also don't really like change, and we've all changed and, I don't know, I just feel like this summer is going to include a lot of accepting changes, whether they be good or bad. Maybe this doesn't belong in this section. I'm excited to have all my pals back though.
-Drinking green tea in bed whilst watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine makes me happy, although now I've finished Brooklyn Nine-Nine and I'm not sure what to do.
-I can enjoy summer, there is no pressure of exams.
-I feel a lot of love for my friends at the moment
-I have mixed feelings about university, but I'm beginning to have more good feelings than bad and I'm excited to meet new people
- I had a really good night out with my friend the other day and then we spent the whole of the next day on my couch with duvets cuddling with my dog. It's the type of day I used to dream about, a day completely free of responsibility. It was bliss.
-Weather is warming up so I can wear my cute ass cardigan

exciting shit
-I'm going to a gig Tuesday night with two of my best friends, just a small gig, but I'm excited. I don't appreciate London enough, and the other week I went to a free gig in Soho, and it was just so cool. It was really groovy and liberating and there's just something special about walking through the darkened streets of London on a week night with just your pals. I can't put it into words, but walking in the dark, warm summer air makes me a feel a certain way. It makes me feel like I'm the only person who exists, and whoever I'm with. A comforting state of solitude. I'm looking forward to the gig, and for walking at night in summer.
-I love the cinema. I love going to the cinema late at night. It is a simple thing that fills me with so much joy that lately an excited movement takes over my body the day before going to the cinema. Aka, I have to do an excitement dance, which is lame because it's the cinema.
-I'm going to a festival with my friends and I felt nervous about it before but now I'm excited. I wish I had more money so I could book more trips and shit, but all trip booking has to wait till pay day (which sucks)

other shit
I don't know. I wanted this to be a catch up post but it's hard to do a catch up post because I feel like there hasn't been much to catch up on. I like to do these posts as I find them therapeutic, laying out my life and going over things that have happened lately. It hasn't felt as therapeutic this time, but I think that's because there hasn't been much to catch up on.
-I'll just put this here. I find less comfort in the thought that good things happen to good people and vica verca. I would like to have some sense of blind faith that the universe has my back and everyone will get what they deserve, but I don't think that's the way life goes. It's annoying. I'm not overly woke or anything but ah man do I wish I had more of that childhood naivety left.
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