living in a movie

24 November 2019

I have been gone for a while for a number of reasons, the main one being that second year is fucking me over a lot more than first year and I am feeling the pressure of my essays counting towards my final grade- something I struggle to accept because the imminent fear of the future is combined with this added pressure making me, quite frankly, absolutely terrified. I then didn’t write as much, feared that when I tried to write again it would be too difficult so I just didn’t write for ages and then low and behold- the time came to write and I just couldn’t. At the moment though, my life is resembling a movie too much and the person I want to talk to about it most, I can’t because they are involved with the dramatic and stressful happenings of said movie. So, I am here to vent.

things I want to say:

-I am starting to lose faith that anyone has their shit together, but I would find it very comforting if someone did
-I have found out something about someone I care about a lot and it has really changed my perspective on them, but I don't know if some of my new attitudes are justified or if I am just being too empathetic
-my life resembles a movie too much at the moment and I am the annoying protagonist that you scream at telling them to sort their lives out
- ‘don’t seek happiness where you lost it’ is a dumb phrase because sometimes you need to look there to be reminded of why it can no longer be your source of happiness, but also to see how things can change and how such a thing can cause you a new type of happiness
-Because of my tendency to understand/accept happenings of my life in a hollywood way, I’m really struggling to decide what is genuine in my head and what has been warped by Hollywood induced expectations of life
- Getting older means you have to accept and talk about your feelings more and although it can be hard, I had a really weird conversation the other day about my feelings and I still feel weird about it but fuck me is it good to just lay things out on the table. Moral of the story - don’t keep things in if something someone is doing is making you feel weird. You should only feel confused by yourself, not other people
-Emotions are actually really difficult to navigate and you can want something, but when presented with the thing you want/ the possibility of something you think you want it can actually just really confuse you
-Getting older is actually really fucking difficult
-Lying/ Bending the truth to protect others is dumb, it may make things easier in the short term but not in the long run
- if we were able to control the ones we loved and control our emotions life would be so fuckin easy
- but so much literature and music is about the fact we’re unable to feel such things so its not all bad
-being upset about your appearance is time consuming and dumb but impossible to stop

I wanted to do more of a life update post, but to be completely honest my life is void of any interesting updates that I can share online.

Im fearing all the adult things I need to begin, but my emotions and the way I navigate through life and confusion are improving greatly.

 I’m throwing in a quote here, it’s not really relevant to my life at the moment, but if you disregard its emphasis on heartbreak and just relate it to any form of sadness or whatever in your life, it appeals wonderfully

 “We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything - what a waste!”

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