seeking comfort vs true beliefs

17 August 2018

I feel like my entire life has had the underlying hope that people get what they deserve. Good people will get good things, people who work hard will get their desired outcome and so fourth. I'm not sure if believing things should turn out okay has made me passive in my attempts to give myself a good life or if I just hope that since I haven't murdered anyone or anything that good things will come naturally to me. Ying and yang, 'everything happens for a reason', I don't know how to word it- I think I've just been following a blind hope that things should turn out okay for me and my friends and family because they are all wonderful people. Then I think of some of the awful things that happen in the world, and how nobody wanted these things to effect them; such as becoming bankrupt, losing a child, being cheated on, addiction (all various degrees of badness but you get the gist)- these things can happen to anyone and are rarely followed by a positive outcome. But my main fear is, that these things can happen to anyone! Anyone at all! I believe the universe has some ability above all else to ensure that people get what they deserve but I'm not sure if I actually believe that, or just seek comfort in it. I'm not sure if I should be more wary of bad things, or if I should have less faith in my dreams since there may not be a natural balance to our lives and the things that happen to us. Maybe there isn't a force that drives things in a certain way depending on who we are as humans and maybe it doesn't matter if we are good people and things just happen and I should stop following a hope with no evidence and find something solid to find hope in instead, so then at least I wouldn't be disappointed if things turn sour.

I don't believe I'm an overly good person, this isn't me preaching about how I deserve things that I'm not getting. I just think I have become too reliant on the hope that people get from what the world what they put into it but it's hard to reject the idea when it's been ingrained into me as a source of comfort since childhood, you know?

catch up catch up

10 August 2018

My catch up posts are usually to benefit me, I find it cathartic just to go over things that have happened in my life- go ahead call me a narcissist because that's what I am! Anyway, here is a butt load of things that have been on my mind lately and things that have happened in my life that I want to share.

background from here. |. me and my pup peevie, I'll get a better photo of my tattoo eventually 

-I got a new tattoo the other day. It's important to me for many reasons, as well as looking fucking sick. Nobody has asked me why I got it and to be fair if they did I would probably lie because it's personal to me but I like to overshare on my blog. To me, the tattoo signifies flourishing and blossoming and living a life with no boundaries. Although none of those things seem to describe my life at the moment, those are phrases I want to be able to apply to my life eventually.

-Everyday that passes I get more scared for university and more frustrated at the things I haven't accomplished on my gap year. I've seen a lot of posts talking about how summer is flying by and it's true, when I try to remember my summer all I seem to be able to think of is work and Rockwertcher. I don't want summer to be over. I don't think I'm ready to be a student or to make new friends.

-I've spent a lot of nights drinking and smoking, I've let my physical health plummet as the ratio of water I drink and ice coffee I drink become horrendously unbalanced but I'm taking a 'fuck it' approach. I enjoy being tipsy, I enjoy standing outside at night with the warmth of the day still lingering in the sky with a cigarette in my hand. It brings me a sense of blurred peace and in my drunken thoughts I'm able to remind myself that things happen for a reason and things should turn out okay.

-I found some medication that was really working for me, it was helping me function like a normal person without constantly being plagued by rotten thoughts, but now I have to come off that medication. I often seem to get the strange, rare side effects from medication so although the medication I've been taking has really been working for me all of a sudden my body is being a lil bitch. I'm scared of changing medication because it’s all mental. It’s all inside me. I can’t look at myself and see whether the medication is helping, I have to trust myself but so many of my thoughts and beliefs are untrue so it’s hard to know what to trust. I can’t just look at myself and see myself improving, I have to feel it but since the medication alters how I feel how will I know if what I’m feeling is right? If it’s good? Wacky scary stuff.

-Lately I have felt very blessed to have the friends I do. They are so open and without judgement in so many ways, I don't know how I survived when they were at university. I love being able to drive to my friends house at night just to sit in silence and watch a film with them. I love how encouraging they are, I love how I can tell them stories other people would make me feel ashamed for but they drink to these stories instead.

-I don't want to jinx it, but I've been working a lot and don't actually mind it. I never seem to have enough money to buy the things I want, but I think I may be too strict with my spending allowances/ too frivolous on nights out. I'm excited to go shopping next week though, bring on the cosy jumpers ready for winter!

Hope you're all having a fab summer x

Advice From One Loser To Another

21 July 2018

'avoid adulthood for as long as possible' - my friends mum at 1am, completely drunk. she probably has no recollection of the conversation. 

I thought I took a photo of the diary entry I made when reflecting on the advice, but whoops looks like a random thing about my favourites
See, I know adulthood is nothing to be feared. It's a mentality that we adapt to, responsibilities we become accustomed to but I don't know, it shouldn't be avoided or feared or anything but I feel like despite fearing responsibilities I inflict unnecessary ones on myself. At the time my friends mum told me to avoid adulthood I was working full time, my life was following a strict schedule of going to work, the gym, then sleeping but my life didn't need to be so regimented.

I don't know why I'm finding this so hard to type up. I know the advice doesn't sound that profound but to me it is. I find myself getting so caught up in life, when there is no need. I know adulthood doesn't equate to a life of boredom but it is undeniable that being young means less responsibilities therefore there is more freedom in youth. I don't take the advice to mean to actually try to halt the gradual mental shift from adolescence to adulthood, but more to loosen up. To say yes more often, we're young and can test our boundaries more. With me, there is always an option that's more carefree and more reckless and I want to take that option more often. Maybe reckless was the wrong word, but I live in London and I've only just started going to free gigs and exploring London more. I won't always have the chance to just pop into London when I feel like it, to drink a bottle of wine with my friend the night before work, or to go and visit my friend late at night to eat popcorn and watch Love Island. Also, I don't know, I feel like when you're young you should really embrace your hobbies. Take time for yourself whilst you still can, you know. These may not necessarily be the best years of our lives, but I'm lucky enough to have a life of little responsibility at the moment and I should be utilising that rather than enforcing a strictness on my life that will come naturally with age.

side note- the person who told me to avoid adulthood wasn't a loser, but I am. So yeah, go out! Live your life, you have no one dependent on you, you can be free! Stay out late! Don't stay in a relationship because you fear being 33 and still single/ friendless. So much happens in life, so accept whatever fun things come your way. Peace!

a sweaty tent but feeling good

13 July 2018

What's up sluts!! Blogging took a back seat for a while, not sure why, but it did and now to write feels weird as it feels so unnatural to me at the moment, so please excuse the shambles of what this post will be. Or it may be in shambles due to my excitement as I'm going to go see The Incredibles 2 later. Or it may be shambles because my brain moves faster than my fingers ever will. Either way, shambles!

I am recently back in England after my first (out of two) holidays this summer. Me and my pals went to Belgium to go to Rock Wertcher, a music festival and oh boy did we have a good time. It was very different to what I'm used to, I've only ever been to festivals in the UK before where everyone is pretty much off their nut the entire time, where shouting and chanting can be heard at all hours, where people jump and dance in crowds. I'm used to mosh pits and coming out a crowd sweaty, I'm used to leaving a festival with a sore throat and a strange sense of community as British people all seem to come together at festivals. This festival was different though, there was a lot of safety procedures (depending on which stage you were at, you weren't allowed on peoples shoulders), only a certain amount of people could be let into a tent where a stage was, the main stage was set up into sections. It was very well organised but I don't know, I just feel some of the safety procedures sucked the fun out of things. Also, the crowds just weren't as loud as what I'm used to, I was only in one mosh pit, and no matter who was standing around us (young or old people) nobody seemed to get that into the music. You could pretty much always tell who was British/ Australian and who wasn't, usually British girls were covered in glitter, absolutely filthy and very loud whereas other people were a lot more tame. It was an unexpected difference in culture. The festival was still fun though, I saw a lot of good music, had many laughs and felt a sense of confidence that I'm not used to.

random backgrounds from here 

some of my highlights of the festival are:
-When we were waiting for Arctic Monkeys to come on my friends boyfriend really needed a wee but we had a good spot in the crowd, so he done what would be considered normal at an English festival, and just went in a bottle, but then the bottle got too full and it went all over my leg. Sounds grim, but it was absolutely hilarious.
-After the last act on Sunday it was as if someone had filled the air with an inescapable happiness, everywhere I looked people were smiling and the air was so warm. It was just such a happy moment, people were crowding around doing jump rope, people were spraying water guns, there was just such a buzz. Man, got to love a festival!
-One night me and my friends done dares, and although the dares would have been more appreciated at an English festival, we still found them hilarious. One of my friends had to go up to people pretending to be a dog (most people just ignored her), my other friend had to sit in the middle of the path and throw her sock at someone (that was taken well by the person, he was Scottish and just whipped out a hand pocket and his mate told my friend that he loved her), I had to try and get past someone by crawling through their legs (I pulled it off quite well). The only dare that went quite badly was when I had to sniff someones hair and ask what shampoo they use, so I did (please bear in mind I am not a flirtatious person, I was highly drunk and all my friends were laughing right next to us) and then I'm assuming this guys girlfriend threatened to slap me for saying that so I apologised and told her it was just a dare (in what world is that flirting though, I literally ran up to these people and sniffed his hair, there was no build up, there was nothing romantic about the gesture) and then after my apology she told me to fuck off! To which I did
-At The Magic Gang the crowd was quite small, and it was so warm, and everyone was bobbing and singing along, and it just felt so wonderful.
-At Franz Fernidad we didn't get in as too many people were inside the tent, but we stood outside the tent with a group of people and all jumped along, created our own moshpits, it was great
-Sitting on the field looking up at the screen whilst First Aid Kit were on, sipping my wine, chatting absoloute bullshit with my friends feeling the sun cover my body. It's as if the sun was shielding us from every bad thing in the world at that moment. I can't think of a word that does that moment justice, but I'm going to go for utter bliss.
-Waking up in the morning, covered in sweat and feeling absolutely vile but getting to see my best friends and know the day was going to be filled with laughs.
-Waking up in the morning and watching my friend find a dead bug in between her toes
-Doing the worm outside the tent and having people cheer me on
-Seeing George Ezra live for a second time. Unfortunately, he didn't spot me in the crowd and ask me to marry him. Maybe next time.
-Going on my friends shoulders throughout the entirety of Spaceman, my favourite song by the Killers. I remember a couple of years ago telling my boyfriend of the time how badly I wanted to see that song live, and now I have and it was everything I hoped it would be.
-Going on a 'fifteen minute' walk to the shops and going through the strangest little Belgian village. We took a suitcase to carry back all the alcohol but the suitcase broke on the way back, so it was a bit of a nightmare but it was fun. We got some bottles of wine, but unbeknownst to us it was a cork screw. Luckily, I saved the day and broke the bottles and poured them into plastic bottles. I have never felt more important in my life than I did in that moment.
-Sitting in the train station after the festival, covered in dirt and being in a state of complete delirium

exciting things about university

27 June 2018

I currently feel horrendously dissatisfied with the fact my gap year is almost over. In a way, it's already over because if I were at university I'd currently be on summer so idk, either way my time of being a free bird is almost over and I'm not too happy about it. I just feel like I didn't do many of the things I wanted to do in this year and I wish I had more time to work and to travel, but I also can tell I need to go to university. For some reason, to me, the end of this year signifies a loss of freedom but then I realised that was dumb. If I wanted another year off, I could take one, but the only point would be to travel more, and I can do that after university. I keep getting so blinded by a fear of university that I forget it's actually an incredible experience that is (hopefully) going to hold so many great opportunities for me. To be quite honest, I am scared shit of exams and despite never achieving top grades where they are most necessary, I still feel a need to get top grades all the time, which is dumb and unrealistic and creates an unnecessary fear which consequently leads to massive doubts about uni and education and ahh! I'm also scared about making friends at university, I'm worried about flat mates, I'm worried about money, for being judged about my degree, grades (if only I could be permanently protected from any form of grading/judging system), I'm worried about my health and how I'll most likely be too lazy to stay healthy. An overall sensation of panic seems to tear away any form of reasoning when I think about university and it makes my brain worry about shit that's not even important. However, I am currently in a blessed moment of clarity. University isn't being forced on me and I feel so frickin ready to go

this photo is relevant as it was me at the beginning of many drinks which lead to my revelation that  I need to stop being such a wuss when I think about university. also I needed a photo to add and my friend has my camera. :)

-Meet new people! Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and I feel like this year a lot of things have happened and the distance between me n my pals have made friendships a little bit harder, but it made me realise how much I love my pals and what I value in friendships but I also feel ready to meet new people. I have discovered there's so many different types of people who I've never really met and I want to meet these sort of people and I reckon Leeds will have such a variety of people. Also, I'm glad I've sort of figured out more about myself/ the people I like as I'm hoping it will help protect me from bad friendships in the future. It sounds lame saying I've realise what I value in a friendship but it's true!
-Learning is sick, I miss learning. I miss writing an essay and feeling proud, of learning new things and telling my friends fun facts. I'm still not entirely sure the degree I've chosen is right for me, but I have had a whole year to create doubts about it, so it's understandable that I'm not sure.
- Partyin!! I love to party, I love dancing, I love getting drunk, I love walking the streets at 4am talking absolute shit with friends. I love waking up after a night out and having a shower then getting back into bed. I hate the drunk paranoia and I hate how embarrassed I feel the day after I've been drunk, but I love a good boogie.
-Similar note to new people, but new boys! I'm not hoping I'll find love at university but I am hoping to find a Robert Pattinson doppelgänger
- Although having to sort out a house for second year is terrifying as heck it's also so cool to imagine living in a house with pals (lets just hope that actually happens)
- I just really want to make friends for life. One of my friends is at university and her time, although hard, seems to be filled with wonderful people and I want that.
-I want more opportunities, I want to see more plays and get involved with societies. I'm excited to push the boat out (the boat being me) and test out new things, even though I'm a pussy, the thought of being part of a uni newspaper, or trying out debating or just trying anything new is so exciting.

Give me that newness!

I get worried when people who are at uni/have already been, tell me stories about how great uni is because I'm worried my experience won't hold as many great things as theirs, and that if I listen too closely to their stories that I will expect such a great turn out form uni and will ultimately be disappointed if I don't get the same, but university is three years. Maybe even four! I don't want to jinx it by saying that in those 3 years it's inevitable that I'll meet good people and have a good time, but I am really hoping its true. Peace !

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