no focus

4 December 2018

Since going to university everything feels like it has shifted out of focus. I'm not sure why or how or how to be able to grasp some form of understanding, but it's frustrating.


University is a bubble. I know the walk to university, I know the short cut to Sainsbury's, I know my favourite milk in Morrisons isn't kept with the other vegan milks. I know who is knocking on my door by the rhythm that they knock, I know I can pop next door whenever I want, I go to sign language classes on Wednesday. My life has a routine, but it doesn't. I'm not really sure why I'm here, I'm not sure if I'm doing first year 'right', I can't understand why I'm unable to write in my diary anymore, let alone a blog post. I think my blog used to give me a sense of purpose, despite it being a minuscule purpose it felt like it contributed to my life. Writing used to give me more importance than it does now, albeit it was a psychological importance, I've lost it now and I've adopted the cliche mentality of 'what is going on and what is the fucking meaning'. I'm not unhappy though, I love the people here, I love the fact I get to go to university, I love the fact the pub is pretty much always a motive and that technically the whole world is at my fingertips with all the things on offer in my student union, but something just isn't right.

On most of my nights out, in my peak state of drunk, I get an overwhelming sense of panic of where my home actually is, where my home will be, what my life will be. Will I ever live in a house with a study of my own where I will go to after reading a bedtime story to my kids? Will I be fortunate enough to do my weekly shop in Marks and Spencer's? Will I ever even have kids? Am I going to be shot saving the person I love who yet could never have and have my final words be 'I will always love you'? The last one probably not, but still. There is something not right. People don't find a purpose in university, but I thought it would spark something. I thought going to university would spark a courage in me to pursue more things, but perhaps the spark hasn't happened yet because it's winter and the sky is too full of cold to allow for any fire.

I feel lost and confused, but not unhappy. I'm not ready to leave this bubble for Christmas but I have a feeling I'll leave this bubble only to slip into another bubble, a bubble of going to work, doing work and waiting to go back to university. Growing up is very strange. I don't know if I'd like to be given some hint of my future, a hint towards what's to come or whether I'm enjoying navigating this strangeness. Enjoy may be too strong a word.


29 October 2018

Long time no see. University is fucking hectic.

In my spare moments, I've been reading 'Beautiful Boy' a memoir by David Sheff about his sons addiction to meth and I think next I'll read 'Tweak' the sons, Nic Sheff, memoir. It's a really interesting read, it's devastating at the same time though. Every time I read it, it makes me feel a heavy sorrow. I've never experienced any form of addiction in my life, from myself or anyone else in it, but bloody hell. Addiction seems awful, and it's so complicated, and reading the memoir is terrifying for the future. I'm worried someone I love will become an addict to something, I'm worried for families who go through this yet I feel a selfish glee at the fact it's not happening to me.

It's got me thinking though about this intense love of a parent for their child. I love my nephew more than anything, and I can't imagine a love stronger than this. But there is. I feel like the love for a child must be so fulfilling, but so difficult. I wonder if a parent ever wishes they could love their child less, when their child is putting themselves through a self created hell and the parent has no control; if they just wish they could love a little less. I see the fierce protection of my sister of my nephew and this need to protect never fades away I don't think, but parents have to let it go slowly. It must be horrible for a parent to experience adolescence. Watching that little, innocent person experience a world of smoking, drinking, relationships, promiscuity, sadness. All these pains and intoxications, that they've been through themselves, they just want to shield their children from. But they can't. I feel like it's a returned thing though. Sometimes you wish your parents could love you a little less, wish that they could take a step back. The more I imagine parenthood the more I think I begin to understand how difficult this must be.

I once read that a parent doesn't see you as the person you are now, but an amalgamtion of everyone you've ever been. I'm not a 19 year old to my parents, I'm my baby self, the toddler self who wouldn't take off her raincoat, the one who she bathed and hugged and has devoted her life to protecting. One day I'll have to do the same (hopefully- I am incredibly scared of childbirth though).

I don't know the point of this. It just baffles me how intense a love a parent has and how as you get older the love for a parent changes. It becomes manipulated by annoyance and an urge to rebel but after this manipulation it adapts into a maturer love. The need to protect and care becomes part of a childs duty as well. Sometimes I think about what my parents have been through in her life, as well as how bithcy a teenager I can be, and I am just in such a state of awe. I wonder if I'll ever be strong enough for motherhood, because fuck me imagine raising a teenager. Seems like a bloody nightmare.

So kudos to all the parents out there, kudos to all the kids, kudos to everyone. Love can be so painful and so difficult and so many of us do it and that's pretty fucking sick.

The Things About University

30 September 2018

I feel like before I came to university I was constantly asking my friends for advice for starting and most gave the same advice of just saying yes and properly throwing yourself into the university experience. I was told that so many times. I was also told so many times that everyone is in the same boat so don't feel isolated in your fear. No one tells you though how fucking important cushions are, I bought one nice cushion and I think I need at least four more. Top tip to all you guys- advice doesn't always need to be deep, sometimes materialistic advice is very important.

The thing about university is that nothing can truly prepare you. Nothing can prepare you for how alien it feels to wake up hearing new sounds, rather than the usual morning routine of your family members. It feels bizarre living with new people, seeing the foods they decide to stock their fridge with, finding out which teas are their favourite but fuck me is it exciting.

I was always aware of the magnitude of my university and how much of a university city Leeds is but nothing could have prepared me for all the different people I'd meet. All my friends are gorgeous, but I've seen them almost every day for years, but here there is so much new beauty to see and become accustomed to. I don't really know how to get this across, but I feel like no one warned me (warn is too foreboding a word, but I can't think of anything else) of all the different people you will be exposed to.

I didn't think freshers would feel busy, but it does and I can't imagine things getting busier but I know that they will. I thought I had become pretty good at using my phone, but the beginning of university has been a whirlwind and I've hardly been able to speak to my friends back home. I get worried that they think I'm replacing them, but I know that they understand how hectic the beginning is.

I was out the other night and really got hit by the fact that this is my life now, it feels so surreal that eventually I will know this city like I know home. Every time I go to turn on my bedroom light and end up turning on the bathroom light I'm reminded that this isn't home yet, every time I go to use the wrong key I'm reminded that this isn't my life yet, but soon it will be. I'm proud to say though that I've already become close pals with the walk to and from Sainsbury's.

I'm enjoying university at the moment. My flat is lovely, the flat across is lovely and I'm yet to come across someone who challenges the happiness I'm currently feeling. Of course there are bad moments, I think most of mine are yet to come though. I'm bloody terrified of lectures actually beginning though and looking towards the future is equally as terrifying as I realise the end of freshers may bring an end to the constant sense of friendship I feel in my block.

ps- I thought of this blog post was getting my student ID, so I couldn't write any of my ideas down but in my head this was one heck of a post, but now in my hungover state it is lacking a lot of the heck I was hoping for but xx enjoy anyway xx

cha cha changes

19 September 2018

I used to think I thrived off change, but over the course of my gap year I have discovered I hate change. I love familiarity too much, I hate adapting to the newness of anything, I don't know whether to ease myself in to new things or just throw myself in but at the end of the day it doesn't matter what I do because I'll never like change. The change may be for the best, but I am a goblin who craves understanding and knowledge but despises the process of getting to either of these mental states. It's silly though because change is inevitable, good and bad things happen. I need to move on, I know that, but not only am I stubborn in my hatred of change, I'm also a wuss so I don't think I'll be accepting change with open arms any time soon. I had the realisation the other day though of how many things have changed in my life (obviously) and how much my mentality has changed towards some things and with the big ol' change of university literally sprinting towards me I figured I needed to reflect on some of the good things that have changed in my life.

-drinking iced coffee and not caring about the calories. or slightly caring but ignoring that. To be honest, this is a good change, but also bad because I definitely drink too much iced coffee
-wearing risqué things, yeah it depends on the company but who cares
-talking to more people, feeling less shy. I'm worried that my old shyness/scaredness will become more and more prominent when I start university but I think through recognising the ways I have changed in confidence and what not means that even if I do become socially inept, I won't be quite as inept as I once was.
-become more adventurous. I've gone to gigs that before I would've avoided out of fear for 'not being cool enough', I've said 'to hell with work' and let my nights out continue, I've braved talking about my feelings more, I've taken the walking route more often, I've not listened to my brain when it told me I couldn't do certain activities with certain people.
-stopped forcing myself to finish books if I wasn't enjoying them, some classics are just not destined to be read by me! (calling out Lolita here)
-became less focused on exercise and more focused on having a good time
-started to challenge some of my thoughts (if any of you struggle with unhelpful thinking look into cognitive restructuring)(hard to always do but it's a good one)
-absolutely flourished in the art of being a wine mum
-started doing my own laundry (a big change that will serve me very good at uni)
-made new pals, lost some pals, become better pals with myself
-started swearing like an absolute maniac- it's awful but I just can't stop. In typing this post my head is automatically throwing in 'fucking' and a lot of other words but luckily my hands are able to refrain from the profanities, unlike my mouth

Unfortunately though, I entered this year thinking this will finally be the year I take better care of my skin, but alas, that is yet to happen. Maybe one day the amount of times I take off my makeup properly will outweigh the times I don't, but for now, I am still a lazy bitch who doesn't enjoy taking off their makeup and should definitely moisturise more than she does.

I know a lot more has changed, I just can't think of them right now. I don't know, I think I just needed help in calming down my whirring brain and through establishing some of these changes has reminded me that they've all grown from a change I have once feared. Although I can not stop my fear of change and the drowning questions of 'what if's' that often follow after the acknowledgement of change at least I am able to recognise the good that has come from many 'fearful' changes. peace out!

shoutout to my friends

2 September 2018

also shout out to the beautiful streets of Paris 
None of my 'real life' friends read my blog, and in my head a lot of bloggers are my friends whether they think it or not. Either way, after spending a lot of the day feeling fearful of the future, sad about the endings, wondering whether some things should be seem as a 'blame' thing or merely a 'cause' thing, I figured I'd carry on acting as though the world revolves around me and make a list of all the good things my friends do for me.:

-they are passionate about their degrees and learning which helps motivate me and remind me that exciting things lie within education. I often find myself unable to see beyond the fact I will be graded for my work, but they reveal to me that there is more to learning than the finale.
-they tell me fun facts that I can then tell other people. for example, did you know that there is a rumour that Michelangelo wanted to focus on sculpting but then the pope blackmailed him into painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel as (allegedly) the pope caught him in bed with another man and threatened to expose him if he didn't paint the ceiling. Well, this isn't entirely a fact as there's no proof, but a fun bit of possible information.
-they make me laugh and sometimes they make me laugh too much, and my laughs turns too intense making me struggle to breathe whilst sounding like a dying hamster, but it's all in extremely good jest.
-they are witty and sarcastic which helps my sarcasm skills, and also means I can steal their comebacks when I meet new people so that new people will think I'm more witty and sarcastic than I actually am
-they help me even when I make dumb mistakes and listen to me be upset when I am the only person to blame for my upset. They tell me what I need to hear and somehow some of my friends know exactly when to give me tough love and when to let me be a little piss cry baby
-they don't remind me of how bad I am at dancing
-they act as a reminder that when things change I should never feel hopeless as some of the friendships came to fruition in the most abstract of ways
-they pretty much always let me borrow socks and don't make me return them
-they don't seem to mind when I get too drunk at girls night and go to sleep rather than carry on the night
-they call me out
-they let me rant
-they play with my hair if I ask the too
-they are creative and their creativity inspires me. This is a big one, sort of links in to the education, I don't know- I just feel like I get lost in my head a lot and my ridiculous desire to be 'one of the best' can be quite crippling, and although I am an extremely jealous person and find it impossible not to compare myself over even the most menial of things, seeing them flourish in different things helps motivate/inspire me
-they somehow have improved my confidence. I'm not sure how, but all I know is I have become more confident since being friends with these people and my confidence seems to be ever-growing

Friendships can be so tough, and it's weird how some just disintegrate for no reason other than an inability to align schedules. Well, it's more than that- a lack of effort in making the schedules align, creating a rigidity in the structure of the day that isn't necessary. I think over the course of my year out I never fully clocked on how to some friendships of mine had changed, and sometimes I feel sad that I'm not as close with some people but then I think about how much I've changed and, I don't know, it's just one of those things isn't it. Of course people won't stay friends forever, of course the dynamics of friendships will change and sometimes the shift can feel so foreign it feels like nothing will ever return to normality but I guess part of growing up is accepting that alien feeling. peace out!

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