good things to remember for ever and more

It is not uncommon for me to become attatched to certain quotes, but recently I have found myself relying on two quotes more than others. Niether are particuarly profound, and they may mean nothing to some, but they hold meanings that changed my perception of the world for the better and I believe that to others they may hold the same great resonance that they do for myself. (and what a better time to have some inspirational quotes than on the brink of a new year!)

postcard from here

'Well, maybe we should try not to understand so much, and accept some more' -Matt Haig, The Humans.

I think the attempt to understand everything is to make everything seem a little easier. Hardships appear better when the mechanics are understood, crises seem more bearable when the root problem can be identified, but when has life ever been so simple? Some things should be understood. Understanding emotions can help us better identify triggers, learning how the covid-19 vaccine works provides great reassurance, and I am sure there are a million more things that make life easier when they are understood. But many aspects of life are nothing more than abstractions. They appear and happen and are felt for reasons that can not always be understood and interpreting the reasonings behind such things can only get us so far. As much as some things are simply not able to be understood, sometimes they are not meant for us to understand. Many times this year, I have tried too hard to understand things that are actually impossible to understand, and I have caused myself more grief than neccessary by dwelling on why some things have happened. I forgot the bliss and learnings that can come simply from accepting things. Like I said, life is full of abstractions, emotions and motivations do not hold a physical embodiment so trying to understand them is not always possible. When we come to accept more and understand less, I think life can become a little lighter. It becomes easier to learn from things as we have accepted that the only thing we are able to control and understand is how we react and grow from some happenings. Not everything in life needs to be, or can be understood and attempting to accept more and understand less is probably one of the best things we can do for ourselves.

‘I occasionally experience myself as a cluster of flowing currents…[which]...require no reconciling, no harmonizing… I prefer this to the idea of a solid self, the identity to which so many attach so much significance’ - Edwaird Said, Out of Place: A Memoir 

This has slightly been taken out of context in the way I have come to deeply appreciate it. I first heard it in a lecture about the impact of colonialism on forming an identity and how it affects one's ability to rely on a stable sense of self. This is not to diminish the importance this quote has in postcolonial studies, but I also believe it has great resonance for those experiencing mental health difficulties. Often, when struggling with my own mental health I felt like I was constantly trying to return to being ‘the real me’, but how detrimental it was of myself to view the non-suffering me as the blueprint of my existence. I failed to see the problems of trying to return to a way of being, but this quote helped me to realise that identity is not a stable entity. There can not be a past self to return to because the self is not stable and fixed but instead is a ‘cluster of flowing currents’ that do not always fit together, that do not always make sense, that can never be returned to because the things that make us who we are continuously change. To think of myself as a fluid identity rather than a solid self makes it easier to accept my own adaptability, it makes sense because I am an accumulation of happenings, I cannot return to a way I used to be because that part of my existence never left, it simply changed slightly. I once read something that described our souls as animating the bodies we live in, and what a perfect way of describing it. We animate our bodies, we provide it with action and give it a life; our souls are not stagnant things in our bodies, nor does our soul separate  inside of us, therefore there is nothing ever to return to, no part of us ever gets lost. We are animated, we are moving, we are living, so we should never cause ourselves sorrow by wanting to return to a past self, because the past self is our current and future self. 

So, I hope these quotes provide you with some reassurance and hopefully they help you through tough times like they have myself. With all that being said, here is a final quote to remember : ‘you can get through anything, one day at a time’. 

the big 2-1! learnings and questionings

(things about to get soppy)

It is pretty fucking cool to be turning 21 and to not feel dread about having existed another whole year. For as long as I can remember, I have not looked forward to birthdays. The celebration of a life I was struggling to hold on to by surrounding myself with people who loved me never provided a brilliant birthday spirit. This year, for the first year in a very long while, the only thing that sparked a sadness about my birthday was the fact I could not celebrate it how I wanted to; because for the first year in years there was actually a way I wanted to celebrate my birthday. A lot of things have changed, and I have learnt how to better cope with many things. It is not all smooth though and many things I wish I could get over I am not sure is possible, but it is a great relief that despite still being unable to imagine myself in the future, it is no longer caused by dread of experiencing it.

So here is to me for:
- turning twenty-one when I never thought I would
- overcoming a lot of things I thought would stick with me forever
- being an absolute legend

apologies if u also follow my insta n have seen this photo twice. 

In usual tradition, I have learnt a lot in the past year. Some things I will say I have not fully completed in learning, but I am getting there and that is achievement enough. I also have things I am still unsure of, and I'm sure as my twenties progress and I am exposed to life beyond that of university and the familiarity of education that the list will only grow. For now though, despite the chaos of the world and that awful sensation that uncertainty creates and the general global bleakness and fear for loved ones lives,,,,, despite all of that negativity I am proud of myself for making it to my 21st birthday and for the acceptance I felt in the build up to it. :) soppy but true! :)

things I have learnt
-green giant sweetcorn tastes the same as frozen sweetcorn
-vegan hellmans mayo tastes like actual mayo, but veganaisse mayo is the best vegan mayo
-to stop thinking of boys as kind for doing decent things
-hanging out in bed with no trousers on is far better than hanging out in bed with comfy trousers on
-hanging out anywhere with no trousers on is far better than hanging out with trousers on
-american tv shows and films lied, it's not actually that easy or realistic for your professor to fall in love with you
-nothing is more attractive than intelligence
-don't trust people who change their actions around their friend when their partner is round - either have an openly flirtatious friendship that has no susbtance to the innapropriate flirts or fucking reel in that behaviour
-that cleaning your glasses with your tshirt isn't actually a myth, you just have to get a good grip on your glasses for it to work
-if the oil in a frying pan catches fire you shouldn't put it out with water
-two pints of water and a couple of painkillers before bed is the best hangover preventative. don't trust other gross preventatives, especially not drinking pickle juice
-there is no need to provide justification for every action
-you can't be passive in trying to fix your mental health
-the confidence to make a separate bowl of popcorn that is just salty rather than sucking up and having a sweet and salty mix
-not to say 'pardon' during sexy times. As long as your partner seems to be havin a good time, there is no need to ask for repetition, especially not in the form of 'pardon'
-how to combat feelings of anxiety and unease surrounding eating in front of new people
-everything tastes a lil better with hot sauce
-to buy juice for the morning after a heavy night
-too many late nights results in a very emotional me that will cry over everything
-how to stand up for myself!!

things I am yet to learn
- how complicated can your twenties actually be?
- how are friendships different in adulthood?
- what you are meant to say when you mishear something in sex
- how to abandon expectations I have for my twenties and just see what happens
- to view my twenties as indivudal days rather than attempting to fathom the next nine years of my life with a brain that has hardly touched a world outside of education
- to make shorter to do lists so that I can experience a sense of accomplishment
- how to not behave like a five year old when talking about sex
- how to not let ironic sayings become a part of my natural vocabulary. (since when do I say dope? why do I call everyone bro? will I ever be able to stop saying dank?)
- how to be open with people who crave and deserve my vulnerability the most
- to be a better texter (sorry to everyone who has ever had to experience my inability to text reliably. I luv you I am just forgetful and quick to get distracted or overwhlemed. also sorry to people who gets brain ramblings that have not been filtered yet)
- how to not be such a wet wipe
- how to always stand up for myself

peace out! hope everyone is safe and well and powering through these ridiculous times. seeing as I am the birthday girl ; I order you to have a beverage or some form of treat and congratulate yourself for survivng lockdown so far x

Quarintine Vibing

Lockdown is strange and there are moments where the craziness of this whole situation is overwhelming and impossible to comprehend. I have never had a great threshhold for the uncertain, but I am coming to terms with the unpredictability of current times and despite constantly complaining about my uni work load, I am so fucking grateful I have it to keep me busy. Here's some glimpses of my lock down:

cheers 2 coffee , cheers 2 nice mugs 

nice things:

Every morning my Dad makes enough coffee for us both and he always seems to get the coffee to water ratio just right

I smell absolutely delightful thanks to my mum buying good soap

playing bananagrams with my family - my dads dyslexia and ability to create definitions for words he is sure to exist is a frequent source of entertainment

'dad you didn't win, hays isn't a word'
'of course it is.'
'use it in a sentence'
'how much hay do you need? around 20 hays.' (upon googling this it turns out hays is a word in country dancing. but he did not mean it in that context and therefore the word did not count)

recieving photos of my nephew and baby cousin- it is nice to have reminders of unfiltered joy and blissful innocence when everything is so fucking bleak. to see a happiness that is pure is always a blessing, but in these times the unguarded smiles of kids is something beyond special and it is nice knowing that although these times are tough there is still joy admist the anxiety and gloom that seems to have encompassed the world

I am speaking to my friends more than usual

Having a g&t over facetime is more enjoyable than I thought it would be

not wearing a bra and having no regrets because I am not moving enough to feel the discomfort of free tits

my dad has bought an air fryer, and with it he has been making some super tasty chips

I am finding it oddly comforting having an actual cause to blame for my low moods/ anxiety during these times. There is something reassuring about having an actual thing to hold liable for difficult moods, rather than having to decipher every thought and every thing that has happened in attempt to find a reason for a sudden dip in mood.

There is so much time to read for lesiure

The goodnights at the end of a videocall

I find it nice being tagged in things, or sent things online, even normally it feels nice to have been thought about, but when friendships are being strained so greatly through distance it is nice that something ridiculous will still make people think of you

I fucked up one of my eyebrows in the process of shaping it, so at least by the time quarintine is over and I will be seen in the light of day by other poeple, my eyebrow won't be anywhere near as atrocious as it currently is

some nice, some not so nice thoughts:

It will have been a year since I last saw Katie the next time I see her, and although we have only been on holiday twice together it feels like a break of tradition by not going this year. However, instead I will go on holiday to Newcastle and meet her new dog and we can enjoy the British sun together and enjoy the fact we are finally free. I think just the happiness of freedom will be enough to override any feelings of longing for european adventure (in saying that - if it is not sunny and warm and if I am not able to go swimming in natural water I will be a little bit pissed)

I am so lucky to love my University and the people I have met as much as I do. It is sad that second year has been void of so much learning though due to strikes and covid-19. I love learning, I love my course yet the such a lack of teaching makes memories of second year be clouded with dissapointment. I have been robbed of the one experience I was gaurnteed at university- there are so many literary theories and discussions about texts I have not been able to have. yes there is virtual learning, but to sit in a seminar and discuss texts and see the people I think of as friends, even though they are merely people I see once a week in seminars and occasionally in a lecture is something I loved and I am sad to have had such few experiences of that this past term.

The fact I have to begin thinking about my dissertation is absolute wank. I have been denied so many opportunities of learning due to the strikes (and covid-19 just tops it all off but ways are being figured out around that, so the anger about that lack of learning is just aimed at the universe rather than the man at the top of the UOL hierarchy) that to beging thinking about a thing which will define my future so greatly just feels absurd. There has been too little learning time to guide any relevant thought on what I could write 10,000 words about. Perhaps I am just being a big baby (and I am very relieved I am not in final year please don't view this as ungrateful) but to write 10,000 words about a topic from a subject I loved never created feelings of horror within me, yet now the simple thought of my dissertation makes me freak! the! fuck! out!!.
- also I'm interested by so many aspects of literature that I haven't be able to study due to having such little freedom when choosing modules, which is a shame. I have an idea of what I may do it on, but everything just feels so limited.

There is too much time to think and worry about the future and have old memories resurface that fill me with doubt

Productivity is a difficult concept to accept and appreciate during quarantine.

exciting things:

I'm going to bleach my hair, dye it, wax my legs and come out of this looking groovy as fuck

One day soon I will be back in Leeds and I will be standing on the chairs in my kitchen with my pals, and we will be singing our hearts out with a glass of wine in hand and the night will progress into something completley unncessary- but those are the best sorts of nights

I will be able to watch films with other people, and will have hair to play with that is not my own and will be able to judge faces in person to see if they're enjoying the film, rather than have to try and decipher a heavily pixelated image of their face

soon my essays will be less overwhelming, and when that time comes I will find a good work/ leisure balance

my hayfever is at its peak during march/ april, so when freedom comes I will be able to sit in parks comfortably and not be tormented by pollen

'fuck it, should we just get shots and get pissed' will sound a million times sweeter than it usually does

browsing in bookshops will also be a million times sweeter

I won't be told off for swearing

soon come, I will be able to see my friends and when I do I am going to hug each one of them for two hours and tell them how much I love them and will probably shed a tear

summer will be here and I will feel the sun on my face as I dance outside barefoot on grass, with a tinnie in one hand and a cigarette in the other, good music will be playing and when I grab my friends hands I will feel the warmth from the sun on their skin and it will be even better than all the times I have imagined it during lock down. festivals may not happen, but to groove outside with sunglasses on surrounded by amazin pals is all I am wishing for right now and that time will be here. and when it is there will be a sadness that is impossible to shift due to the tragedy this disease has created, but hope will be ripe and I'll be with the people that I love, and have missed so dearly.

second year sweetness + suckiness

I'm not sure if I was warned about how difficult second year is, it is highly likely I heard the warnings and subconsciously chose to ignore them to save myself from having to worry about it- but fuck me is second year difficult. I'm not sure what it is, but the added pressure of marks counting and the search for placement years certainly doesn't help. There also seems to be a lot more romantic drama this year, we've reached an age where we're willing to get hurt in the hopes of experiecing a glimpse of love but when the hurt happens, no matter how big or small, it creates a crisis in the fear of never getting to experience all that love that relationships have to offer. There is also friendship complications that seem to have appeared out of nowhere, people going against basic rules of friendship and basic rules of respectability. The only good thing is, we're all adults now. We value conversation above pent up angers and we genuinely do not have time for people we don't want in our lives, so there is no risk of fake friendships. We also all love another enough to not let such trials disturb the prospect of forever in our friendships. In saying all this, my semester has sounded very dramatic, but it is far from it for me personally. My biggest drama has been finding out I'm not as smart as I thought I was and trying to use dissapointment as a motivator rather than a prover.

I am more excited for next semester, mainly because I hope to get better grades. I also plan on doing more, I'm a peer reviewer for a journal released by Undergraduates, I hope to write for the University newspaper (mainly for CV purposes) and I just hope to do more academic things to help lessen this fear of the future and hopefully erase all concerns I have about the point of an English Literature degree. Speak it into existence!

soz 4 the photo quality xx

The woes previously expressed in this post have been intermittent, broken up by good films, good gigs, good dancing seshes, good friends and the revival of my love of chess.

Highlights so far:

- All piling on to one persons bed to watch a film
- Girly chats in another persons bed
- Going to a gig and absolutely falling in love with the artist
- Seeing Twin Peaks twice and feeling all the energy and sense of community from everybody in the crowd
- Watching Queer Eye in bed after a night out and falling asleep with my housemate
- Leaving a night out early with the sole intention of making hash browns
- Getting absolutely smashed on an unplanned night to help my friend through her breakup
- Walking back from a night out at a ridicolous time of night and finding a massive tray with a million wheels attatched
- Deep chats on the walk to a party
- Watching Pride
- An impromptu cinema trip to boost my friends' spirit, secretly satisfying my craving of going to the cinema
- Listening to my friend retell a stroy of how she stole a giant pizza
- Games night at my friends house ending in her housemates returning back from a pub night incredibly drunk with a lot of stolen memrobilia
- Walking back from a movie night, slightly tipsy and seeing people in the takeout shop near my house, others running out and stumbling as they walk, all smiling and hearing their laughter through my headphones. I was listening to a perfect song, and everyone just seemed to be in their own bubble of happiness. It was just really lovely.
- Bonding with friends housemates
- Feeling disheartened by magnitudes of work so we booked tattoos to boost our spirits
- Celebrating fireworks night with a homemade bonfire and watching a crappy film
- Finding out there is a fat arcade in Leeds (I haven't been there yet, but god damn after exams catch me there suckers!!)
- Friendships getting stronger
- Wednesday nights when my housemate would get back from her cooking class and she'd show me what she had made and tell me all about it (why is my housemate the actual cutest bestest person ever)
- Swimming
- Going on sandwich runs
- Drinking redbull in the library at times no one should be in the library
- Popping into the kithcen to make a cup of tea and then spending hours with my house instead
- Watching The Boat That Rocked
- Being vulnerable with friends
- Playing chess with my friend only to find out he is a chess professional
- Spontaneous trips to the pub to play pool
- One of my lecturers had a lot of pizazz, always making a Monday morning lecture more enjoyable (but also more dissapointing when it wasn't him taking the lecture)
- Panicking about the strikes and being rescued by my friend instead
- Jazz nights
- Sunday night Planet Earth watching with my housemate
- So! Much! Dancing!
- Watching my friend cook carbonara after an unsuccessful library day and banging out some mad tunes
- Discovering the importance of honest conversation.

In retrospect, second year may be tough, but it has also been very sweet and I am very lucky to have such wonderful friends.

'Oh Grow Up'

A phrase I constantly end up thinking to myself is 'Oh grow up', however most of the time when I think this I am just being horribly unreasonable. I wouldn't have called myself a judgemental person prior to this year, but I have since realised that I am a ridiculous human being who repeatedly thinks other people need to grow up for merely having their own opinions, taste buds and thoughts. Despite knowing that I am being unreasonable and that I should let everyone live their lives how they want because at the end of the day these things don't actually affect me (that much) I still do think there are certain beliefs and values that people need to stop being such a big baby about and grow up.

my friend michael, who fits into a lot of the criteria below. also couldn't find any other photos that were remotley in tune with the current seasons so decided to embrace the closeness of Christmas rather than use yet another sunny photo 

Things I will roll my eyes at and think 'Oh grow up' at if you say them/ express them near me:

-Asking for no tomatoes. In some cases it's acceptable, but at the same time, in a hefty sandwich, with a lot of filling?? grow up and eat them

- Not liking coffee

- Not liking hot drinks

- Not liking to have the subtitles on whilst watching TV (it's not distracting and if you genuinely believe that it is, I believe that you have a poor attention span and are dumb) (also I really struggle to understand what people are saying via a screen so please just let me keep subtitles on)

- Monster Munch being a favourite flavour of crisp 

- People who express contempt at athletes foot (we're most likely all going to have it one day! Don't alienate me for having my time come sooner than you!)

- Level one mild cheese being someones preferred cheese (albeit I am mostly vegan and I know vegan cheese most closely resemebles this, but lets be real mild cheese is flavourless)

- Asking vegans / vegetarians how much money they would have to be paid to eat meat / animal products

- Telling me you think you might be intolerant to gluten (hun come to me when it makes your entire insides explode, not just when you get a little bit bloated from eating bread all week)(to be fair this is less of a 'oh grow up' than a simple 'idc')

- Not liking foreign films 

- Not finding lizards really interesting animals

- Pretending not to know people even when you do just to seem cooler (I didn't think this was a real thing until someone told me they done this the other day. The audacity!! How can people actually do this! Grow up and be respectful you turd bags)

- People who think rich people deserve all the money they earn 

- Not enjoying soup

(side not - purely satirical, but also kind of not. I do think people who have a vendetta against tomatoes need to grow the fuck up) 

Things I will never think 'Oh grow up to' just because I realised the other list made me seem a bit too hateful:

- Fart jokes

- Any form of toilet humour to be honest

- Horrendously mispronouncing words for the sake of humour (top tier humour in my opinion)

- Novelty slippers
- Getting excited about Christmas and birthdays
- Getting upset over little things (we all got emotions, as long as you speak about things there is no problem yo!)
- Not knowing something and asking for an explanation (some people have infinite amounts of knoweldge, others don't and those of us that don't know its always best to ask even if people think we have the knowledge of a five year old)
- Wanting attention (within reason) 

- Spongebob references

- Having way more sugars than acceptable in your hot drinks (listen, I'm just happy you're drinking them)

- Having a blankie or a teddy

- Not liking obscure flavours (in the above I seem a bit like a food snob, but I would never judge someone for not liking liqouirce. It's more just the principle of the above)

what is love if it's not young?

(Musings caused by this podcast - Love Stories with Stanley Tucci by Dolly Alderton)

Adults always refer to young love as being fierce and intense. I think I understand it in a way, as it is the first time you have experienced such intense feelings so of course your first love is overwhelming and all consuming. It is also a time before you have experienced heart break, so you love unguardedly and proudly. Then again, I don't entirely understand the concept of young love and how it differs to adult love, I don't understand what it is to be in love in adulthood.

(disclaimer - 'libby, you're overthinking this!' , I know, but it's a musings post. I keep hearing things about young love, of first love, but why is the romantic love we experience in our youth such a distinguished thing! I don't know, and I know I want to accept more and understand less but I am discarding that mantra for the sake of this post. Also, I love love. I am a hopeless romantic, of course I'm going to think about what is so distinctive about young love and what adult love may entail)

Sometimes I wonder whether I find the differences in love so difficult to grasp because in my first proper relationship we went from the confusion of teenage years to the beginning of adulthood together, and with that the love I felt matured with me, but not entirely. They say young love is pure, and it undenialy began that way; the excitement at having sleepovers, the initial unsuritiy of sexual boundaries and the questions our hands held as they moved from beyond our faces was exhilirating - but is that a component of young love? Or simply the effects of loving someone? Or perhaps the feelings are still there, but just less intense, and the questions are briefer. Is the excitement from a sleepover lessed by the fact it is expected and no longer such a scandalous concept?

I can't imagine what it means to be in a loving adult relationship. The purity is diminshed by the confidence you express lust with as you get older, but then what fuels the excitement in an adult, loving relationship? What does it mean for the scandal to be diminished? I think that maybe, the exhiliration that comes from hiding the invisible marks of kisses changes into a simple glow, a happiness is left behind rather than the electrified feeling of need to conceal anything that can give away that more than just a kiss happened. This isn't to say I think adult love is void of excitement, more that I think I will miss the innocence of young love. I have some understanding of adult loving relationships, but will I sometimes feel unable to contain my love and display it through tight squeezes - was that young love me or just me?

In the podcast they both agree that the euphoria that comes with your first love isn't experienced again and I find that sad in a way. I know it is normal, and that love is exciting no matter what your age, and in fact it is slightly relieving to know that I won't face that intensity again. It is sad though that the more you love as you get older the less innocent and pure it becomes, because a small part of you will always be guarded in a way as you unknowingly begin to protect yourself a little more. I guess that is a good thing, but a shame that we can't always live in that unknowing bubble of purity and excitement. There is also the concern of the future in adult relationships, a worry our young selves never had to face. Perhaps my confusion stems from the fact I don't want to have such concerns, that I want to love freely and easily and think that can't be done without the naivety and purity my young self had? I don't know. I know love isn't that big a thing, and that love is love, I just don't fully understand why young love is such a distinguished thing, so seperate from adulthood. One day I will though. (or maybe not, maybe I'll never be in romantic love again - yikes !)