Disposables From 2017

26 December 2017

Ages ago, I got photos from my disposable camera printed and from my phone. I prefer photos from my disposable, but I'm bad at taking that out with me but I think photos taken with a disposable camera are more charming than ones on a phone. I think this is because, personally, when I take out my disposable it's quick and I'm just capturing the moment, there is no looking back and changing the pose. They are just natural photos that somehow are meant to encapsulate a blissful moment. I'm going to buy another one today, although I don't have many in which to fill the camera roll, I think I just need the charm of a disposable camera back in my life.

I have no specific place where I keep photos- some go on my walls, some in a photo album (which I tried to keep in chronological order and completely failed at) and some in my scrapbook. Some photos aren't special enough to go in my photo album, or my scrapbook or my wall so I have this photo box thing from Paperchase that is very useful. Throwing away a photo seems too much for me, I'm not sure why but I just feel like I can't throw away a photo as what if the person in that photo suddenly makes amends with me or what if that specific memory fades from my brain and I am unable to have a photo to remind me. These photos with questionable current memories go in my box.

It's strange looking back at old photos and remembering the moment so well, but how different things are now. I have a friend who wasn't my friend and now things are on weird terms, I also have a whole disposable dedicated to my trip away with my ex and it's just so weird realising how much has changed. Photos with my ex are the strangest though and I'm not sure what to do with them, as I can't throw them away (or burn them as some people suggested) because at the end of the day these are some good memories and I want to remember the good without comparing it to the now. I also have a wall in my room which I've dedicated to my favourite people, some of these people aren't in my life anymore and some of these people have betrayed me but for some reason I can't bring myself to remove them from my favourite people wall, despite them only being held there with blutac now. Nostalgic!

To Fill In A Gap Year: Not Much

10 December 2017

In terms of my gap year, I feel like everything is going a bit tits up- although there were never any set plans to be able to go tits up. I feel strange today but I think that is just because me and Sundays don't mesh well. This past month has been very strange as well though, but there have been some really great parts.

I went to visit two of my very good friends at uni, friends came back from uni for weekends. It was fun. I got back into fitness. I met Katie which was absolutely lovely despite me figuring out how truly expensive some places are in London- usually if I'm out in London buying drinks I'm too drunk to register how much money I've spent.

I haven't progressed with many of my gap year aims, but I did manage to send off my UCAS. Although being the type of person I am, I entered my a-levels wrong which I have now fixed but I had to email universities warning them that I made a mistake and now I feel like that has really tainted my intellectual image, and my grades don't help. UCAS makes me sad as I was meant to get grades that opened doors for me as opposed to close them, so it's a relief to have sent it off and to no longer have to search for universities that accept my grades and also to not have an entire project that surrounds my failure- which isn't really a failure but it is hard to change an opinion.

a irrelevant photo but a photo where I was in a sweet oblivion

I keep postponing when I will begin on my gap year plans, mainly because I work so much. I'm not too sure I'm going to travel anymore, unless I get a surge of confidence and decide to go by myself. Either way I plan on earning as much money as possible before January (although I rarely do overtime to give me this extra cash) so if I do end up going somewhere I can afford it. I can't do Camp America anymore but maybe I just won't travel- I just hope my friend pulls through and we go to Thailand. We won't even travel properly but I am just so desperate to get away. But if I don't get away I can still quit my job and get a job with fewer hours and actually do something with my gap year. By that I mean become an embroidery queen, which I might try doing some of tonight but I've lost my needles. Oh wait something I have become better at is spontaneity, I quite enjoy plans and waking up in my own bed knowing what I am going to get done but this past month I have accepted late night cinema trips (although they are rare invites) and stayed out after nights out. I want to care less about routine and I am getting there!

I often make it sound as if I regret taking a gap year, but I don't at all- I just think the past few months I have found out a lot of things that have made me question a lot of relationships in my life. I often get shocked when people fit a cliche, but then I remember cliches and stereotypes were sometimes created for a reason so I shouldn't be so surprised when people live up to these expectations. Something that is filling me with a lot of happiness lately though is blogging friends and also my best friends and childhood friends. I've been fucked about by a few friends but woah baby do I love my true pals and I love blogging girls. Blogging is such a loving community and I forget how great it can be.

A random post, a rambling post but sometimes I feel the need to do posts like this to unblock my blogging brain- I was going to say just in general my brain but I am very fond of diary writing to empty my brain. But sometimes I just need to ramble on my blog. So huzzah!
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