why has uni made you fat?

23 January 2019

Hello! It is me! Back again with a less pessimistic blogpost than my old one, trying my best to blog this year- so far so good. I also wanted to try to eat healthier this year and not look as disgusting at university and so far, although it has only been a mere five days I have stuck to these agendas. (update its been two weeks since writing this, I have turned pretty slobby but not ridiculously so) .I think it is easier to eat healthy because its just me and my best friend in the flat and we're both on the same 'lets not eat our body weight in curly fries' this semester vibe.

Although technically we weren't eating our body weight in curly fries. I know I was eating more junk food than usual, but I was hungover more than usual in first semester and I find unhealthy carby foods help a hangover.

I was also drinking a lot last semester and staying out late to familiarise myself with new the environment as well as in an effort to make friends. (Now I've found my favourite nights out, discovered new music I'm into and made some incredible friends).

I also drank a lot of coffee, enough chai lattes to fund every single cinnamon business that exists. I had to though, as there is only so many Americanos you can drink in a day and grabbing a coffee is the perfect way to bond with new people.

I also stayed long hours in university trying out new societies and after I'd grab drinks with the people I met which often resulted in a last minute, not overly nutritious meal.

I gained some weight in my first semester at university, which is always a sensitive subject and like most people in the world I have had my fair share of body/ eating issues in the past. I have generally overcome them though, and each day that goes by I find myself forgetting the calories in a cereal bar, and how long I'd have to run for to burn off slice of toast. Or not even forgetting, but not caring because I'm at university and need food in order to actually do well.

Food and drink is a way of bonding, and I embraced it in first semester. I didn't in the most healthy of ways, but I've made my mistakes in first semester and am being healthier this semester along with more trips to the gym. It was always my plan to sort myself out in second semester, but when I went back to work the first thing my manager said to me (before a hello or how is university) was 'why has university made you so fat?'. The day can be summarised by my workmates discussing my new weight gain, I would go round the corner and hear them talking about the size of my legs, how my face has got fat and so on. The three weeks were fat jokes on end, at my expense, but not from all the colleagues.

It was hard to hear and hard to ignore, but I still ate quality streets that customers gave to me and I still indulged in Christmas which used to be a very hard time of year for me.

It's strange how they thought it was acceptable to discuss my new body like that, one of them being a girl and the other having a baby daughter you'd think they'd be more aware of how fucked up this world is at the moment, and how delicate subjects surrounding weight are. This post doesn't have the message of  'don't comment on peoples weight!!!!!' because none of us would at all. Nor is it looking for sympathy because I have had time to digest the insults and realise that they meant it in an observational way albeit not a nice way, and it was something I'm aware of. But, if I've gained weight by having a good time, and am still relatively healthy then what is the point in giving a fuck about it?

embrace the clichés

11 January 2019

Shockingly enough, a goal of mine for 2019 was to get back into the flow of blogging. When I first began blogging, my new year goals would usually be associated with posting more regularly, or just posting more in general. My priorities haven’t changed, just my level of motivation has and the amount of time and energy I seem to have in a day has greatly reduced. It’s insane how 24 hours just isn’t enough time in a day, but it should be, but it feels as though time has sped up as I’ve got older. If only life could have a pause button, or a break button or a button to press to make everything slow down.

prettier dayz

Being home for Christmas has felt strange but going back to university feels even stranger. I felt settled but not entirely settled and now the dust is swirling again and the thought of going back provides me with anything but comfort. Sometimes I look at my life and all I can see is a self that young me would be so ashamed of but that young self was also filled with so much naivety of what horrors the world held. Now I’m older and I don’t think is fair to look at my life through a lens of childhood happiness and innocence, but I want to be a self that any versions of me would respect and feel proud of. I don’t though. I guess it’s okay though because at the end of the day I’m not a drug addict, I’m at university and sure I fucked up this semester, but I have learnt for next semester, I’m not entirely unfit, I’ve managed to make friends, I don’t spend my days in bed. It’s too easy to look at mistakes. I often forget that sometimes you just have to embrace the clichés and find solace in the fact that you have to crack a few eggs to make an omelette.

This isn’t where the post was meant to go. I’m currently babysitting my nephew and I keep thinking back to this time last year, how sad and heartbroken I was and how my nephew was my key source of joy. I won’t be there for his second birthday this year, but I have friends who fill me with joy and a mended heart this year, so I have no reason to be surrounded by kids and to have their silly words fill me with laughter. I may not love who I am now but fuck me am I glad I’m not the same person I was this time last year.

What a strange post. It’s not really reflective, nor informative. Peace out, will bring better things next week I think I just needed to vent. Peace!
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