seeking comfort vs true beliefs

17 August 2018

I feel like my entire life has had the underlying hope that people get what they deserve. Good people will get good things, people who work hard will get their desired outcome and so fourth. I'm not sure if believing things should turn out okay has made me passive in my attempts to give myself a good life or if I just hope that since I haven't murdered anyone or anything that good things will come naturally to me. Ying and yang, 'everything happens for a reason', I don't know how to word it- I think I've just been following a blind hope that things should turn out okay for me and my friends and family because they are all wonderful people. Then I think of some of the awful things that happen in the world, and how nobody wanted these things to effect them; such as becoming bankrupt, losing a child, being cheated on, addiction (all various degrees of badness but you get the gist)- these things can happen to anyone and are rarely followed by a positive outcome. But my main fear is, that these things can happen to anyone! Anyone at all! I believe the universe has some ability above all else to ensure that people get what they deserve but I'm not sure if I actually believe that, or just seek comfort in it. I'm not sure if I should be more wary of bad things, or if I should have less faith in my dreams since there may not be a natural balance to our lives and the things that happen to us. Maybe there isn't a force that drives things in a certain way depending on who we are as humans and maybe it doesn't matter if we are good people and things just happen and I should stop following a hope with no evidence and find something solid to find hope in instead, so then at least I wouldn't be disappointed if things turn sour.

I don't believe I'm an overly good person, this isn't me preaching about how I deserve things that I'm not getting. I just think I have become too reliant on the hope that people get from what the world what they put into it but it's hard to reject the idea when it's been ingrained into me as a source of comfort since childhood, you know?

catch up catch up

10 August 2018

My catch up posts are usually to benefit me, I find it cathartic just to go over things that have happened in my life- go ahead call me a narcissist because that's what I am! Anyway, here is a butt load of things that have been on my mind lately and things that have happened in my life that I want to share.

background from here. |. me and my pup peevie, I'll get a better photo of my tattoo eventually 

-I got a new tattoo the other day. It's important to me for many reasons, as well as looking fucking sick. Nobody has asked me why I got it and to be fair if they did I would probably lie because it's personal to me but I like to overshare on my blog. To me, the tattoo signifies flourishing and blossoming and living a life with no boundaries. Although none of those things seem to describe my life at the moment, those are phrases I want to be able to apply to my life eventually.

-Everyday that passes I get more scared for university and more frustrated at the things I haven't accomplished on my gap year. I've seen a lot of posts talking about how summer is flying by and it's true, when I try to remember my summer all I seem to be able to think of is work and Rockwertcher. I don't want summer to be over. I don't think I'm ready to be a student or to make new friends.

-I've spent a lot of nights drinking and smoking, I've let my physical health plummet as the ratio of water I drink and ice coffee I drink become horrendously unbalanced but I'm taking a 'fuck it' approach. I enjoy being tipsy, I enjoy standing outside at night with the warmth of the day still lingering in the sky with a cigarette in my hand. It brings me a sense of blurred peace and in my drunken thoughts I'm able to remind myself that things happen for a reason and things should turn out okay.

-I found some medication that was really working for me, it was helping me function like a normal person without constantly being plagued by rotten thoughts, but now I have to come off that medication. I often seem to get the strange, rare side effects from medication so although the medication I've been taking has really been working for me all of a sudden my body is being a lil bitch. I'm scared of changing medication because it’s all mental. It’s all inside me. I can’t look at myself and see whether the medication is helping, I have to trust myself but so many of my thoughts and beliefs are untrue so it’s hard to know what to trust. I can’t just look at myself and see myself improving, I have to feel it but since the medication alters how I feel how will I know if what I’m feeling is right? If it’s good? Wacky scary stuff.

-Lately I have felt very blessed to have the friends I do. They are so open and without judgement in so many ways, I don't know how I survived when they were at university. I love being able to drive to my friends house at night just to sit in silence and watch a film with them. I love how encouraging they are, I love how I can tell them stories other people would make me feel ashamed for but they drink to these stories instead.

-I don't want to jinx it, but I've been working a lot and don't actually mind it. I never seem to have enough money to buy the things I want, but I think I may be too strict with my spending allowances/ too frivolous on nights out. I'm excited to go shopping next week though, bring on the cosy jumpers ready for winter!

Hope you're all having a fab summer x
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