no focus

4 December 2018

Since going to university everything feels like it has shifted out of focus. I'm not sure why or how or how to be able to grasp some form of understanding, but it's frustrating.


University is a bubble. I know the walk to university, I know the short cut to Sainsbury's, I know my favourite milk in Morrisons isn't kept with the other vegan milks. I know who is knocking on my door by the rhythm that they knock, I know I can pop next door whenever I want, I go to sign language classes on Wednesday. My life has a routine, but it doesn't. I'm not really sure why I'm here, I'm not sure if I'm doing first year 'right', I can't understand why I'm unable to write in my diary anymore, let alone a blog post. I think my blog used to give me a sense of purpose, despite it being a minuscule purpose it felt like it contributed to my life. Writing used to give me more importance than it does now, albeit it was a psychological importance, I've lost it now and I've adopted the cliche mentality of 'what is going on and what is the fucking meaning'. I'm not unhappy though, I love the people here, I love the fact I get to go to university, I love the fact the pub is pretty much always a motive and that technically the whole world is at my fingertips with all the things on offer in my student union, but something just isn't right.

On most of my nights out, in my peak state of drunk, I get an overwhelming sense of panic of where my home actually is, where my home will be, what my life will be. Will I ever live in a house with a study of my own where I will go to after reading a bedtime story to my kids? Will I be fortunate enough to do my weekly shop in Marks and Spencer's? Will I ever even have kids? Am I going to be shot saving the person I love who yet could never have and have my final words be 'I will always love you'? The last one probably not, but still. There is something not right. People don't find a purpose in university, but I thought it would spark something. I thought going to university would spark a courage in me to pursue more things, but perhaps the spark hasn't happened yet because it's winter and the sky is too full of cold to allow for any fire.

I feel lost and confused, but not unhappy. I'm not ready to leave this bubble for Christmas but I have a feeling I'll leave this bubble only to slip into another bubble, a bubble of going to work, doing work and waiting to go back to university. Growing up is very strange. I don't know if I'd like to be given some hint of my future, a hint towards what's to come or whether I'm enjoying navigating this strangeness. Enjoy may be too strong a word.


29 October 2018

Long time no see. University is fucking hectic.

In my spare moments, I've been reading 'Beautiful Boy' a memoir by David Sheff about his sons addiction to meth and I think next I'll read 'Tweak' the sons, Nic Sheff, memoir. It's a really interesting read, it's devastating at the same time though. Every time I read it, it makes me feel a heavy sorrow. I've never experienced any form of addiction in my life, from myself or anyone else in it, but bloody hell. Addiction seems awful, and it's so complicated, and reading the memoir is terrifying for the future. I'm worried someone I love will become an addict to something, I'm worried for families who go through this yet I feel a selfish glee at the fact it's not happening to me.

It's got me thinking though about this intense love of a parent for their child. I love my nephew more than anything, and I can't imagine a love stronger than this. But there is. I feel like the love for a child must be so fulfilling, but so difficult. I wonder if a parent ever wishes they could love their child less, when their child is putting themselves through a self created hell and the parent has no control; if they just wish they could love a little less. I see the fierce protection of my sister of my nephew and this need to protect never fades away I don't think, but parents have to let it go slowly. It must be horrible for a parent to experience adolescence. Watching that little, innocent person experience a world of smoking, drinking, relationships, promiscuity, sadness. All these pains and intoxications, that they've been through themselves, they just want to shield their children from. But they can't. I feel like it's a returned thing though. Sometimes you wish your parents could love you a little less, wish that they could take a step back. The more I imagine parenthood the more I think I begin to understand how difficult this must be.

I once read that a parent doesn't see you as the person you are now, but an amalgamtion of everyone you've ever been. I'm not a 19 year old to my parents, I'm my baby self, the toddler self who wouldn't take off her raincoat, the one who she bathed and hugged and has devoted her life to protecting. One day I'll have to do the same (hopefully- I am incredibly scared of childbirth though).

I don't know the point of this. It just baffles me how intense a love a parent has and how as you get older the love for a parent changes. It becomes manipulated by annoyance and an urge to rebel but after this manipulation it adapts into a maturer love. The need to protect and care becomes part of a childs duty as well. Sometimes I think about what my parents have been through in her life, as well as how bithcy a teenager I can be, and I am just in such a state of awe. I wonder if I'll ever be strong enough for motherhood, because fuck me imagine raising a teenager. Seems like a bloody nightmare.

So kudos to all the parents out there, kudos to all the kids, kudos to everyone. Love can be so painful and so difficult and so many of us do it and that's pretty fucking sick.

The Things About University

30 September 2018

I feel like before I came to university I was constantly asking my friends for advice for starting and most gave the same advice of just saying yes and properly throwing yourself into the university experience. I was told that so many times. I was also told so many times that everyone is in the same boat so don't feel isolated in your fear. No one tells you though how fucking important cushions are, I bought one nice cushion and I think I need at least four more. Top tip to all you guys- advice doesn't always need to be deep, sometimes materialistic advice is very important.

The thing about university is that nothing can truly prepare you. Nothing can prepare you for how alien it feels to wake up hearing new sounds, rather than the usual morning routine of your family members. It feels bizarre living with new people, seeing the foods they decide to stock their fridge with, finding out which teas are their favourite but fuck me is it exciting.

I was always aware of the magnitude of my university and how much of a university city Leeds is but nothing could have prepared me for all the different people I'd meet. All my friends are gorgeous, but I've seen them almost every day for years, but here there is so much new beauty to see and become accustomed to. I don't really know how to get this across, but I feel like no one warned me (warn is too foreboding a word, but I can't think of anything else) of all the different people you will be exposed to.

I didn't think freshers would feel busy, but it does and I can't imagine things getting busier but I know that they will. I thought I had become pretty good at using my phone, but the beginning of university has been a whirlwind and I've hardly been able to speak to my friends back home. I get worried that they think I'm replacing them, but I know that they understand how hectic the beginning is.

I was out the other night and really got hit by the fact that this is my life now, it feels so surreal that eventually I will know this city like I know home. Every time I go to turn on my bedroom light and end up turning on the bathroom light I'm reminded that this isn't home yet, every time I go to use the wrong key I'm reminded that this isn't my life yet, but soon it will be. I'm proud to say though that I've already become close pals with the walk to and from Sainsbury's.

I'm enjoying university at the moment. My flat is lovely, the flat across is lovely and I'm yet to come across someone who challenges the happiness I'm currently feeling. Of course there are bad moments, I think most of mine are yet to come though. I'm bloody terrified of lectures actually beginning though and looking towards the future is equally as terrifying as I realise the end of freshers may bring an end to the constant sense of friendship I feel in my block.

ps- I thought of this blog post was getting my student ID, so I couldn't write any of my ideas down but in my head this was one heck of a post, but now in my hungover state it is lacking a lot of the heck I was hoping for but xx enjoy anyway xx

cha cha changes

19 September 2018

I used to think I thrived off change, but over the course of my gap year I have discovered I hate change. I love familiarity too much, I hate adapting to the newness of anything, I don't know whether to ease myself in to new things or just throw myself in but at the end of the day it doesn't matter what I do because I'll never like change. The change may be for the best, but I am a goblin who craves understanding and knowledge but despises the process of getting to either of these mental states. It's silly though because change is inevitable, good and bad things happen. I need to move on, I know that, but not only am I stubborn in my hatred of change, I'm also a wuss so I don't think I'll be accepting change with open arms any time soon. I had the realisation the other day though of how many things have changed in my life (obviously) and how much my mentality has changed towards some things and with the big ol' change of university literally sprinting towards me I figured I needed to reflect on some of the good things that have changed in my life.

-drinking iced coffee and not caring about the calories. or slightly caring but ignoring that. To be honest, this is a good change, but also bad because I definitely drink too much iced coffee
-wearing risqué things, yeah it depends on the company but who cares
-talking to more people, feeling less shy. I'm worried that my old shyness/scaredness will become more and more prominent when I start university but I think through recognising the ways I have changed in confidence and what not means that even if I do become socially inept, I won't be quite as inept as I once was.
-become more adventurous. I've gone to gigs that before I would've avoided out of fear for 'not being cool enough', I've said 'to hell with work' and let my nights out continue, I've braved talking about my feelings more, I've taken the walking route more often, I've not listened to my brain when it told me I couldn't do certain activities with certain people.
-stopped forcing myself to finish books if I wasn't enjoying them, some classics are just not destined to be read by me! (calling out Lolita here)
-became less focused on exercise and more focused on having a good time
-started to challenge some of my thoughts (if any of you struggle with unhelpful thinking look into cognitive restructuring)(hard to always do but it's a good one)
-absolutely flourished in the art of being a wine mum
-started doing my own laundry (a big change that will serve me very good at uni)
-made new pals, lost some pals, become better pals with myself
-started swearing like an absolute maniac- it's awful but I just can't stop. In typing this post my head is automatically throwing in 'fucking' and a lot of other words but luckily my hands are able to refrain from the profanities, unlike my mouth

Unfortunately though, I entered this year thinking this will finally be the year I take better care of my skin, but alas, that is yet to happen. Maybe one day the amount of times I take off my makeup properly will outweigh the times I don't, but for now, I am still a lazy bitch who doesn't enjoy taking off their makeup and should definitely moisturise more than she does.

I know a lot more has changed, I just can't think of them right now. I don't know, I think I just needed help in calming down my whirring brain and through establishing some of these changes has reminded me that they've all grown from a change I have once feared. Although I can not stop my fear of change and the drowning questions of 'what if's' that often follow after the acknowledgement of change at least I am able to recognise the good that has come from many 'fearful' changes. peace out!

shoutout to my friends

2 September 2018

also shout out to the beautiful streets of Paris 
None of my 'real life' friends read my blog, and in my head a lot of bloggers are my friends whether they think it or not. Either way, after spending a lot of the day feeling fearful of the future, sad about the endings, wondering whether some things should be seem as a 'blame' thing or merely a 'cause' thing, I figured I'd carry on acting as though the world revolves around me and make a list of all the good things my friends do for me.:

-they are passionate about their degrees and learning which helps motivate me and remind me that exciting things lie within education. I often find myself unable to see beyond the fact I will be graded for my work, but they reveal to me that there is more to learning than the finale.
-they tell me fun facts that I can then tell other people. for example, did you know that there is a rumour that Michelangelo wanted to focus on sculpting but then the pope blackmailed him into painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel as (allegedly) the pope caught him in bed with another man and threatened to expose him if he didn't paint the ceiling. Well, this isn't entirely a fact as there's no proof, but a fun bit of possible information.
-they make me laugh and sometimes they make me laugh too much, and my laughs turns too intense making me struggle to breathe whilst sounding like a dying hamster, but it's all in extremely good jest.
-they are witty and sarcastic which helps my sarcasm skills, and also means I can steal their comebacks when I meet new people so that new people will think I'm more witty and sarcastic than I actually am
-they help me even when I make dumb mistakes and listen to me be upset when I am the only person to blame for my upset. They tell me what I need to hear and somehow some of my friends know exactly when to give me tough love and when to let me be a little piss cry baby
-they don't remind me of how bad I am at dancing
-they act as a reminder that when things change I should never feel hopeless as some of the friendships came to fruition in the most abstract of ways
-they pretty much always let me borrow socks and don't make me return them
-they don't seem to mind when I get too drunk at girls night and go to sleep rather than carry on the night
-they call me out
-they let me rant
-they play with my hair if I ask the too
-they are creative and their creativity inspires me. This is a big one, sort of links in to the education, I don't know- I just feel like I get lost in my head a lot and my ridiculous desire to be 'one of the best' can be quite crippling, and although I am an extremely jealous person and find it impossible not to compare myself over even the most menial of things, seeing them flourish in different things helps motivate/inspire me
-they somehow have improved my confidence. I'm not sure how, but all I know is I have become more confident since being friends with these people and my confidence seems to be ever-growing

Friendships can be so tough, and it's weird how some just disintegrate for no reason other than an inability to align schedules. Well, it's more than that- a lack of effort in making the schedules align, creating a rigidity in the structure of the day that isn't necessary. I think over the course of my year out I never fully clocked on how to some friendships of mine had changed, and sometimes I feel sad that I'm not as close with some people but then I think about how much I've changed and, I don't know, it's just one of those things isn't it. Of course people won't stay friends forever, of course the dynamics of friendships will change and sometimes the shift can feel so foreign it feels like nothing will ever return to normality but I guess part of growing up is accepting that alien feeling. peace out!

seeking comfort vs true beliefs

17 August 2018

I feel like my entire life has had the underlying hope that people get what they deserve. Good people will get good things, people who work hard will get their desired outcome and so fourth. I'm not sure if believing things should turn out okay has made me passive in my attempts to give myself a good life or if I just hope that since I haven't murdered anyone or anything that good things will come naturally to me. Ying and yang, 'everything happens for a reason', I don't know how to word it- I think I've just been following a blind hope that things should turn out okay for me and my friends and family because they are all wonderful people. Then I think of some of the awful things that happen in the world, and how nobody wanted these things to effect them; such as becoming bankrupt, losing a child, being cheated on, addiction (all various degrees of badness but you get the gist)- these things can happen to anyone and are rarely followed by a positive outcome. But my main fear is, that these things can happen to anyone! Anyone at all! I believe the universe has some ability above all else to ensure that people get what they deserve but I'm not sure if I actually believe that, or just seek comfort in it. I'm not sure if I should be more wary of bad things, or if I should have less faith in my dreams since there may not be a natural balance to our lives and the things that happen to us. Maybe there isn't a force that drives things in a certain way depending on who we are as humans and maybe it doesn't matter if we are good people and things just happen and I should stop following a hope with no evidence and find something solid to find hope in instead, so then at least I wouldn't be disappointed if things turn sour.

I don't believe I'm an overly good person, this isn't me preaching about how I deserve things that I'm not getting. I just think I have become too reliant on the hope that people get from what the world what they put into it but it's hard to reject the idea when it's been ingrained into me as a source of comfort since childhood, you know?

catch up catch up

10 August 2018

My catch up posts are usually to benefit me, I find it cathartic just to go over things that have happened in my life- go ahead call me a narcissist because that's what I am! Anyway, here is a butt load of things that have been on my mind lately and things that have happened in my life that I want to share.

background from here. |. me and my pup peevie, I'll get a better photo of my tattoo eventually 

-I got a new tattoo the other day. It's important to me for many reasons, as well as looking fucking sick. Nobody has asked me why I got it and to be fair if they did I would probably lie because it's personal to me but I like to overshare on my blog. To me, the tattoo signifies flourishing and blossoming and living a life with no boundaries. Although none of those things seem to describe my life at the moment, those are phrases I want to be able to apply to my life eventually.

-Everyday that passes I get more scared for university and more frustrated at the things I haven't accomplished on my gap year. I've seen a lot of posts talking about how summer is flying by and it's true, when I try to remember my summer all I seem to be able to think of is work and Rockwertcher. I don't want summer to be over. I don't think I'm ready to be a student or to make new friends.

-I've spent a lot of nights drinking and smoking, I've let my physical health plummet as the ratio of water I drink and ice coffee I drink become horrendously unbalanced but I'm taking a 'fuck it' approach. I enjoy being tipsy, I enjoy standing outside at night with the warmth of the day still lingering in the sky with a cigarette in my hand. It brings me a sense of blurred peace and in my drunken thoughts I'm able to remind myself that things happen for a reason and things should turn out okay.

-I found some medication that was really working for me, it was helping me function like a normal person without constantly being plagued by rotten thoughts, but now I have to come off that medication. I often seem to get the strange, rare side effects from medication so although the medication I've been taking has really been working for me all of a sudden my body is being a lil bitch. I'm scared of changing medication because it’s all mental. It’s all inside me. I can’t look at myself and see whether the medication is helping, I have to trust myself but so many of my thoughts and beliefs are untrue so it’s hard to know what to trust. I can’t just look at myself and see myself improving, I have to feel it but since the medication alters how I feel how will I know if what I’m feeling is right? If it’s good? Wacky scary stuff.

-Lately I have felt very blessed to have the friends I do. They are so open and without judgement in so many ways, I don't know how I survived when they were at university. I love being able to drive to my friends house at night just to sit in silence and watch a film with them. I love how encouraging they are, I love how I can tell them stories other people would make me feel ashamed for but they drink to these stories instead.

-I don't want to jinx it, but I've been working a lot and don't actually mind it. I never seem to have enough money to buy the things I want, but I think I may be too strict with my spending allowances/ too frivolous on nights out. I'm excited to go shopping next week though, bring on the cosy jumpers ready for winter!

Hope you're all having a fab summer x

Advice From One Loser To Another

21 July 2018

'avoid adulthood for as long as possible' - my friends mum at 1am, completely drunk. she probably has no recollection of the conversation. 

I thought I took a photo of the diary entry I made when reflecting on the advice, but whoops looks like a random thing about my favourites
See, I know adulthood is nothing to be feared. It's a mentality that we adapt to, responsibilities we become accustomed to but I don't know, it shouldn't be avoided or feared or anything but I feel like despite fearing responsibilities I inflict unnecessary ones on myself. At the time my friends mum told me to avoid adulthood I was working full time, my life was following a strict schedule of going to work, the gym, then sleeping but my life didn't need to be so regimented.

I don't know why I'm finding this so hard to type up. I know the advice doesn't sound that profound but to me it is. I find myself getting so caught up in life, when there is no need. I know adulthood doesn't equate to a life of boredom but it is undeniable that being young means less responsibilities therefore there is more freedom in youth. I don't take the advice to mean to actually try to halt the gradual mental shift from adolescence to adulthood, but more to loosen up. To say yes more often, we're young and can test our boundaries more. With me, there is always an option that's more carefree and more reckless and I want to take that option more often. Maybe reckless was the wrong word, but I live in London and I've only just started going to free gigs and exploring London more. I won't always have the chance to just pop into London when I feel like it, to drink a bottle of wine with my friend the night before work, or to go and visit my friend late at night to eat popcorn and watch Love Island. Also, I don't know, I feel like when you're young you should really embrace your hobbies. Take time for yourself whilst you still can, you know. These may not necessarily be the best years of our lives, but I'm lucky enough to have a life of little responsibility at the moment and I should be utilising that rather than enforcing a strictness on my life that will come naturally with age.

side note- the person who told me to avoid adulthood wasn't a loser, but I am. So yeah, go out! Live your life, you have no one dependent on you, you can be free! Stay out late! Don't stay in a relationship because you fear being 33 and still single/ friendless. So much happens in life, so accept whatever fun things come your way. Peace!

a sweaty tent but feeling good

13 July 2018

What's up sluts!! Blogging took a back seat for a while, not sure why, but it did and now to write feels weird as it feels so unnatural to me at the moment, so please excuse the shambles of what this post will be. Or it may be in shambles due to my excitement as I'm going to go see The Incredibles 2 later. Or it may be shambles because my brain moves faster than my fingers ever will. Either way, shambles!

I am recently back in England after my first (out of two) holidays this summer. Me and my pals went to Belgium to go to Rock Wertcher, a music festival and oh boy did we have a good time. It was very different to what I'm used to, I've only ever been to festivals in the UK before where everyone is pretty much off their nut the entire time, where shouting and chanting can be heard at all hours, where people jump and dance in crowds. I'm used to mosh pits and coming out a crowd sweaty, I'm used to leaving a festival with a sore throat and a strange sense of community as British people all seem to come together at festivals. This festival was different though, there was a lot of safety procedures (depending on which stage you were at, you weren't allowed on peoples shoulders), only a certain amount of people could be let into a tent where a stage was, the main stage was set up into sections. It was very well organised but I don't know, I just feel some of the safety procedures sucked the fun out of things. Also, the crowds just weren't as loud as what I'm used to, I was only in one mosh pit, and no matter who was standing around us (young or old people) nobody seemed to get that into the music. You could pretty much always tell who was British/ Australian and who wasn't, usually British girls were covered in glitter, absolutely filthy and very loud whereas other people were a lot more tame. It was an unexpected difference in culture. The festival was still fun though, I saw a lot of good music, had many laughs and felt a sense of confidence that I'm not used to.

random backgrounds from here 

some of my highlights of the festival are:
-When we were waiting for Arctic Monkeys to come on my friends boyfriend really needed a wee but we had a good spot in the crowd, so he done what would be considered normal at an English festival, and just went in a bottle, but then the bottle got too full and it went all over my leg. Sounds grim, but it was absolutely hilarious.
-After the last act on Sunday it was as if someone had filled the air with an inescapable happiness, everywhere I looked people were smiling and the air was so warm. It was just such a happy moment, people were crowding around doing jump rope, people were spraying water guns, there was just such a buzz. Man, got to love a festival!
-One night me and my friends done dares, and although the dares would have been more appreciated at an English festival, we still found them hilarious. One of my friends had to go up to people pretending to be a dog (most people just ignored her), my other friend had to sit in the middle of the path and throw her sock at someone (that was taken well by the person, he was Scottish and just whipped out a hand pocket and his mate told my friend that he loved her), I had to try and get past someone by crawling through their legs (I pulled it off quite well). The only dare that went quite badly was when I had to sniff someones hair and ask what shampoo they use, so I did (please bear in mind I am not a flirtatious person, I was highly drunk and all my friends were laughing right next to us) and then I'm assuming this guys girlfriend threatened to slap me for saying that so I apologised and told her it was just a dare (in what world is that flirting though, I literally ran up to these people and sniffed his hair, there was no build up, there was nothing romantic about the gesture) and then after my apology she told me to fuck off! To which I did
-At The Magic Gang the crowd was quite small, and it was so warm, and everyone was bobbing and singing along, and it just felt so wonderful.
-At Franz Fernidad we didn't get in as too many people were inside the tent, but we stood outside the tent with a group of people and all jumped along, created our own moshpits, it was great
-Sitting on the field looking up at the screen whilst First Aid Kit were on, sipping my wine, chatting absoloute bullshit with my friends feeling the sun cover my body. It's as if the sun was shielding us from every bad thing in the world at that moment. I can't think of a word that does that moment justice, but I'm going to go for utter bliss.
-Waking up in the morning, covered in sweat and feeling absolutely vile but getting to see my best friends and know the day was going to be filled with laughs.
-Waking up in the morning and watching my friend find a dead bug in between her toes
-Doing the worm outside the tent and having people cheer me on
-Seeing George Ezra live for a second time. Unfortunately, he didn't spot me in the crowd and ask me to marry him. Maybe next time.
-Going on my friends shoulders throughout the entirety of Spaceman, my favourite song by the Killers. I remember a couple of years ago telling my boyfriend of the time how badly I wanted to see that song live, and now I have and it was everything I hoped it would be.
-Going on a 'fifteen minute' walk to the shops and going through the strangest little Belgian village. We took a suitcase to carry back all the alcohol but the suitcase broke on the way back, so it was a bit of a nightmare but it was fun. We got some bottles of wine, but unbeknownst to us it was a cork screw. Luckily, I saved the day and broke the bottles and poured them into plastic bottles. I have never felt more important in my life than I did in that moment.
-Sitting in the train station after the festival, covered in dirt and being in a state of complete delirium

exciting things about university

27 June 2018

I currently feel horrendously dissatisfied with the fact my gap year is almost over. In a way, it's already over because if I were at university I'd currently be on summer so idk, either way my time of being a free bird is almost over and I'm not too happy about it. I just feel like I didn't do many of the things I wanted to do in this year and I wish I had more time to work and to travel, but I also can tell I need to go to university. For some reason, to me, the end of this year signifies a loss of freedom but then I realised that was dumb. If I wanted another year off, I could take one, but the only point would be to travel more, and I can do that after university. I keep getting so blinded by a fear of university that I forget it's actually an incredible experience that is (hopefully) going to hold so many great opportunities for me. To be quite honest, I am scared shit of exams and despite never achieving top grades where they are most necessary, I still feel a need to get top grades all the time, which is dumb and unrealistic and creates an unnecessary fear which consequently leads to massive doubts about uni and education and ahh! I'm also scared about making friends at university, I'm worried about flat mates, I'm worried about money, for being judged about my degree, grades (if only I could be permanently protected from any form of grading/judging system), I'm worried about my health and how I'll most likely be too lazy to stay healthy. An overall sensation of panic seems to tear away any form of reasoning when I think about university and it makes my brain worry about shit that's not even important. However, I am currently in a blessed moment of clarity. University isn't being forced on me and I feel so frickin ready to go

this photo is relevant as it was me at the beginning of many drinks which lead to my revelation that  I need to stop being such a wuss when I think about university. also I needed a photo to add and my friend has my camera. :)

-Meet new people! Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and I feel like this year a lot of things have happened and the distance between me n my pals have made friendships a little bit harder, but it made me realise how much I love my pals and what I value in friendships but I also feel ready to meet new people. I have discovered there's so many different types of people who I've never really met and I want to meet these sort of people and I reckon Leeds will have such a variety of people. Also, I'm glad I've sort of figured out more about myself/ the people I like as I'm hoping it will help protect me from bad friendships in the future. It sounds lame saying I've realise what I value in a friendship but it's true!
-Learning is sick, I miss learning. I miss writing an essay and feeling proud, of learning new things and telling my friends fun facts. I'm still not entirely sure the degree I've chosen is right for me, but I have had a whole year to create doubts about it, so it's understandable that I'm not sure.
- Partyin!! I love to party, I love dancing, I love getting drunk, I love walking the streets at 4am talking absolute shit with friends. I love waking up after a night out and having a shower then getting back into bed. I hate the drunk paranoia and I hate how embarrassed I feel the day after I've been drunk, but I love a good boogie.
-Similar note to new people, but new boys! I'm not hoping I'll find love at university but I am hoping to find a Robert Pattinson doppelgänger
- Although having to sort out a house for second year is terrifying as heck it's also so cool to imagine living in a house with pals (lets just hope that actually happens)
- I just really want to make friends for life. One of my friends is at university and her time, although hard, seems to be filled with wonderful people and I want that.
-I want more opportunities, I want to see more plays and get involved with societies. I'm excited to push the boat out (the boat being me) and test out new things, even though I'm a pussy, the thought of being part of a uni newspaper, or trying out debating or just trying anything new is so exciting.

Give me that newness!

I get worried when people who are at uni/have already been, tell me stories about how great uni is because I'm worried my experience won't hold as many great things as theirs, and that if I listen too closely to their stories that I will expect such a great turn out form uni and will ultimately be disappointed if I don't get the same, but university is three years. Maybe even four! I don't want to jinx it by saying that in those 3 years it's inevitable that I'll meet good people and have a good time, but I am really hoping its true. Peace !

life shit

8 June 2018

I realised the other day that it's been a year since I done my exams and I just find that so fucking weird. I still have nightmares about exams, I wake up in the middle of the night stressed because I haven't revised at all, but of course I haven't, I've got no exams. I wonder how I'm going to cope with university if I'm still being haunted by A-levels, but I guess we'll see! To be honest, I'm just shocked it's June and my gap year feels over in a way and I haven't accomplished much but at the same time so many things have changed that 'accomplishing' anything seems ridiculous as too much has changed for anything to stay the same long enough to reach some sort of goal in that area. I don't know. Confusing!

good shit
-My friends are returning from uni, and I've missed them. Although something feels weird about them returning. I don't know. I feel like I've changed, I've found comfort in my own company and not having plans but now I feel a pressure to have plans when I don't always need plans. I also don't really like change, and we've all changed and, I don't know, I just feel like this summer is going to include a lot of accepting changes, whether they be good or bad. Maybe this doesn't belong in this section. I'm excited to have all my pals back though.
-Drinking green tea in bed whilst watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine makes me happy, although now I've finished Brooklyn Nine-Nine and I'm not sure what to do.
-I can enjoy summer, there is no pressure of exams.
-I feel a lot of love for my friends at the moment
-I have mixed feelings about university, but I'm beginning to have more good feelings than bad and I'm excited to meet new people
- I had a really good night out with my friend the other day and then we spent the whole of the next day on my couch with duvets cuddling with my dog. It's the type of day I used to dream about, a day completely free of responsibility. It was bliss.
-Weather is warming up so I can wear my cute ass cardigan

exciting shit
-I'm going to a gig Tuesday night with two of my best friends, just a small gig, but I'm excited. I don't appreciate London enough, and the other week I went to a free gig in Soho, and it was just so cool. It was really groovy and liberating and there's just something special about walking through the darkened streets of London on a week night with just your pals. I can't put it into words, but walking in the dark, warm summer air makes me a feel a certain way. It makes me feel like I'm the only person who exists, and whoever I'm with. A comforting state of solitude. I'm looking forward to the gig, and for walking at night in summer.
-I love the cinema. I love going to the cinema late at night. It is a simple thing that fills me with so much joy that lately an excited movement takes over my body the day before going to the cinema. Aka, I have to do an excitement dance, which is lame because it's the cinema.
-I'm going to a festival with my friends and I felt nervous about it before but now I'm excited. I wish I had more money so I could book more trips and shit, but all trip booking has to wait till pay day (which sucks)

other shit
I don't know. I wanted this to be a catch up post but it's hard to do a catch up post because I feel like there hasn't been much to catch up on. I like to do these posts as I find them therapeutic, laying out my life and going over things that have happened lately. It hasn't felt as therapeutic this time, but I think that's because there hasn't been much to catch up on.
-I'll just put this here. I find less comfort in the thought that good things happen to good people and vica verca. I would like to have some sense of blind faith that the universe has my back and everyone will get what they deserve, but I don't think that's the way life goes. It's annoying. I'm not overly woke or anything but ah man do I wish I had more of that childhood naivety left.

conflicting things

30 May 2018

Life lately has been strange, I feel like I've been working non stop when that isn't the case? I have so many things I want to do, but never seem to have the motivation in me to do them leaving me feeling unsatisfied a lot of the time. I can't help but feel like I am wasting my days, and by the time this realisation comes about I have work the next day and then I'm left with a battle between experiencing the amazing things London has to offer and getting enough rest so I don't get moody at work. It is a ridiculous battle, one that leaves me feeling exhausted nonetheless, but it's stupid as I should be able to go out the night before work. I should be experiencing things more. I feel like my life has come to an unattractive halt, barricades have been put up and although they just need a gentle push I am unable to break them down.

I am on medication that makes me tired, an insufferable tiredness, but I don't want to give up the medication as I am on it for a reason. I can't tell if the tiredness is stemming from the medication though, or coming from my brain, or an actual fault in my body. It's all a bit confusing really. I want to be the healthy girl who does yoga, who drinks enough water but to be completely honest I can't touch my toes and my body is constantly flooded by caffeine (as an attempt to not be so tired? because I enjoy drinking coffee? take your pick, I'm not sure the answer). I feel frustrated that I am not experiencing things, I feel that I haven't done enough but the only thing working against me completing anything is myself. I am lost in visions of the near future that are filled purely with work, even though I know that isn't the case and I have so many fun days to come.

I want the gap year to go on further, I want to save up and explore more places. I want more time to venture into London and experience the amazing things it has to offer (it's hard to do that though as I need a guide but how does someone find a guide to show them all the hidden nooks and crannies). I want to go to university as well though, I want more friends, I want to learn. I feel education validates my existence but then what will I do when I don't do that well? I want to move out from home and be free, I want to dance into the early hours of the morning and live a life of laughter but I also want to go to bed early and find fun in sobriety.

It's all a bit conflicting really. Peace!

some things to make you happy

21 May 2018

You know how a lot of the time when it's sunny people comment on how the weather can effect your mood and we're all like wow! Love this sun, I am so happy! Well don't fret lads, I have compiled a list of good things that can give you happiness, whether it be momentarily or a lingering sense of the feeling, here are a few things that are guaranteed to give you a lil joy.

side note- this list is short, because there's a few things we all know can boost your mood (aka making your bed, doing a facemark) but I don't know. I've read some heartwarming things lately, watched a few heartwarming things, heard some songs that are happy, I figured I'd share.

-read 'Humans' or 'How To Stop Time' (I've heard it's equally as uplifting). If you want a soppy, classic teen romance novel that will make you cringe in an enjoyable way, read 'Anna and The French Kiss' or 'The Truth About Forever'. 'Wonder' is also a very heartwarming book, but it did make me cry. (People say the film is also uplifting, but I cried throughout the entire film, so I disagree with that)

-watch 'Queer Eye' on Netflix. It's really heartwarming, some may say suspiciously heartwarming- there were some episodes I had no reason to feel as warm inside as I did. If you want a laugh I recommend 'Brooklyn 99', me and my friend have been marathoning it together as a way to cure her broken heart and even if it's not curing anything, it's certainly making her laugh.

-listen to 'My Dad Wrote A Porno'. It makes me cackle. If you're not in the mood for a podcast, listen to Tom Mischs new album, it's banging and is lovely to the ears. I can't really think of any songs that are all round happy songs with happy lyrics, but I'm really digging 'Ubu' by Methyl Ethel at the moment.

-I have found having a late night meet up with a friend is also quite heartwarming. Finding a friend who will give you company when you can't be bothered for company but need someone else presence is heartwarming.

-drink a j2o. or a fun drink, any fun drink, I just feel like it's hard to be sad when drinking a j2o you know? They're a special drink, a drink that was reserved in childhood for special occasions only.

some things not to do if you want to feel heart warmed
- don't look at old photos, chances are someone will be in them to upset you. (not saying looking at old photos is always bad, but just on a sad day I find it rarely helps. Unless you don't linger on old broken friendships/ have good plans in the future)

-don't read 'Lolita'. It is too long, the writing is too pretentious and it will make you feel dumb for not being able to finish the novel. Also because the plot is messed up.


9 May 2018

I seem to be really out of the loop with reading at the moment. Some mornings I wake up and feel I could read for hours, and other days not so much. Over the course of 2018 I have read a fair few books though that I haven't spoken about, so I'm going to begin that now.

To put it simply, this book is about an alien who comes down to earth on a mission and on his mission finds out what it means to be human. I say it a lot, but this is actually one of my favourite books for an abundance of reasons. At first I felt sceptical about the story line, but it had me laughing from the beginning. This book is more than just funny though, it seems to be a perfect combination of humour and heartbreak and you're not violently thrown from one emotional state to another. I was never made to be a human purely made out of tears (unlike Call Me By Your Name that still sometimes makes me cry) nor did it leave my heart feeling heavy, which I thought sometimes it would have since the book tackles some sensitive topic. This book is so clever and funny and thought provoking and meaningful, god, it is such a meaningful book. My copy of it is covered in highlighter as there are so many wise words I want to remember forever, and mantras I want to encompass in my everyday life (the quote I mention in my 'things I've learnt post' comes from this book). It is an uplifting book, a wise book, a funny book, it is just such an important book for anyone who feels a little bit down, or lost in the chaos of life.

The Three Theban Plays are about Oedipus, the mythical king of Thebes- the Three Theban Plays consist of Oedipus the King, Oedipus at Colonus and Antigone. I studied Classics at A-level, however I reread these plays the other day because they are so good. I don't know how to describe them, but let me tell you the Greeks don't fuck about with their plays. They are so entertaining, it can be a bit difficult to understand the chorus and now that I'm no longer studying these texts I usually skim over the chorus' part but honestly I think you guys should read the Three Theban Plays. They're just really entertaining and a proper insight into the Ancient Greeks values and the way they lived which is so interesting as there are so many links between our societies and theirs and there are just so many things to pick up on. I read other plays for bye exams, but these I find most entertaining, however if you want something thought provoking on a feminist foot, I recommend Medea by Euripides. I feel like we all know these famous plays/ cultures that are renowned for their literature and art, but it can seem to intense to divulge in their works, but then you finally do and it's like woah! no wonder this culture is famous for this thing! So trust me, the chorus can be complicated but these plays are so worth the read if you want something that's a bit different but equally as entertaining.

This book is about a woman called Celie who lives in the South of America and is set between 1910-1940. It's all about Celies life, she's born into racism and poverty, suffers tremendous abuse from those who should love her and has to live her life away from her sister. She meets people though in her life, that show her not all is bad. This is another thought provoking book, and targets so many issues in such a brutally honest way that it can be uncomfortable, be it is a necessary discomfort as it is rare for novels to speak about such issues in such a candid way whilst remaining relevant to the story- if that makes sense? I don't know how to explain, just a lot is mentioned in this book but it all works- whereas sometimes it can feel like authors just throw in problems for their characters, this book didn't feel that way. It's written in the form of Celies letters, which creates such a personal feel to the book which. It's really well written, the characters are so deep, the novel is so thought provoking and is one hell of an emotional rollercoaster. My only dislike of the novel (and in no way is this a major dislike) is that there are a lot of characters mentioned, and I got a bit confused with all the names, but every character included is important so the confusion didn't last long.

Big Little Lies is a brilliant take on ex-husbands and second wives, mothers and daughters, schoolyard scandal, and the dangerous little lies we tell ourselves just to survive. - Goodreads. 
I didn't actually realise when I began reading this that I knew the entire plot since my friend had told me one day at college, however, once I realised I knew exactly what was going to happen, it did not deter my interest. It is written by different characters perspectives, which I always find pretty enjoyable, but it really worked in this book as it allowed there to be other things happening besides the main plot, so there was also something to keep you interested. I also think the multiple narrative was super good in this novel because you clocked onto things before the characters but then the chapter would end and you'd be with another character and you were constantly finding out new things, then getting new questions in your head and it was all so suspenseful. Also, I like when there's multiple narratives yet each character still has their own distinct unique voice. Good writing, super good plot, I would recommend for an easy read that you want to keep you hooked.

there is meant to be an accent over the a in Saenz but I don't know how to get an accent on my laptop.
This is about two boys called Aristotle and Dante and their friendship (the synopsis' get worse and worse as the post continues). I've had this book for ages, but never read it until a few weeks ago because I was always put off by the cover, but I was stupid for that, because it's a great book. It's more light hearted than the others I've mentioned, it's an easy read. I like the way it's written, it doesn't have massive paragraphs or anything and is pretty dialogue heavy. I just really enjoyed this book, I don't know if it's because it was more of a journey than an actual plot, or the fact the novel was quite slow paced yet still entertaining or just because it satisfied my craving for an easy, romantic read. Nonetheless, this is a good book to read- what can I say, I'm a sucker for a coming of age story with an ending that leaves me feeling warm and happy.

This is a poetry book all about the poets life and the struggles she went through. Personally, I didn't enjoy it at all. I respect the author for showing her life in such an honest way, and oh boy has she had a tough life, but I just don't think it was very good poetry. I've read reviews debating whether it was poetry or not, and to me it felt like the author just hit the space bar every now and then- the spacing of the words made no impact on the text at all. It lacked the imagery and any deep meaning that belongs in poetry, or any text. It promotes self love but in such a recycled way, the authors story is unique but to me the poem just lacked the depth and beauty that poetry is meant to have. It felt like reading a diary that had been spaced out unnecessarily, in fact the only times I understood the reasoning for the spaces was when the words were making a shape, but shape poetry is a thing that should be left in primary school in my opinion. Harsh, but this poetry book was expensive and all in all, not overly worth it in my view, however I have read some reviews that absolutely loved it. And I like the cover. 

I've set myself reading goals for this month/May, to help keep me reading as I seem to stop so easily. I'm putting my goals here to keep me motivated to complete at least some of them.
-Read a Shakespeare play (Othello or Hamlet preferably)(in case you wondered)
-Read some poetry (preferably some Virginia Woolf poetry)
-Read some non-fiction books
-Read 'The Go Between' 
-Begin '1984'

My issue with this list though, is that I am so very poor at the moment, so I can't buy any books and I own most of these books but not all, but I need to wait till the end of May to buy some. I just want to read so many books, but my concentration lately is so terrible. Let me know any good books you guys have read, I'm always looking for recommendations! 

Feeling Funky

2 May 2018

One of the things I find hard is saying hi to people when I see them out and about. When I'm in a shop and I see my mums friend, I know I need to say hello, but I don't know how to make my way over and make them aware of my presence without startling them. I end up either trying to create a lot of noise so they notice me and begin the greetings, or I walk over and just kind of stand in front of them and say hello quite loudly but for some reason whenever I do that my arms stay at my side. Either way it's uncomfortable and ungraceful and that feeling of not knowing how to say hello is how I feel trying to open this post.

This is an outfit I would like to show you for a number of reasons. Firstly, because I think it's a cool outfit. Secondly, because I read Eleanors blog a lot and a while ago she done a post (here!) about this brand Maison De Choup and ever since reading her post I wanted to buy a t-shirt from this brand, and now I finally have. I don't feel overly qualified to talk about his brand and what not, but here are my reasonings for wanting to have a Maison De Choup t-shirt and for wanting to buy many more:

  • I love the simplicity of the designs, I quite like to wear bold trousers so having a t-shirt with a little design on it is always wanted by me. More than just looking nice though, the designs are symbolic, you can read the description of the top I got here 
  • Ethical!
  • Also I didn't know this at the time, but the tops are super soft and super good quality
  • If you buy from the 'Words Fail Me' collection, 25% of the proceeds go to YoungMinds, a charity dedicated to improving the wellbeing and mental health of young people. 
  • Supporting independent brands is always nice, but Maison de Choup is just such a pure brand, I love that it has a social cause at it's heart and that by just buying a t-shirt I felt like I was doing something. Albeit none of my money went to charity, but I don't know how to explain but all I want to do is support the business. I just love everything about Maison de Choup (again thanks to Eleanor because without her I would have remained ignorant and never knew such groovy clothes with amazing intentions existed) 
  • I thought my order was lost (it wasn't, turns out my mum had wrapped it up for me) so I sent them an email and George replied so fast and he used a lot of exclamation marks and I trust people who use exclamation marks. Also a little postcard came with the top. I don't know!! I just love it all!! Everyone buy from Maison De Choup, your heart will feel warm and you'll look cool

There is a ramble for you, I don't know how I ever used to write outfit posts. On a side note, I paired it with my tartan trousers which are from Brick Lane which I absolutely love, and these earrings from ASOS which I'm obsessed with. All in all, everything about this outfit I love (except my socks, but nobody's perfect). Peace! 

The Party Never Stops

26 April 2018

I'm in a funk, a sort of funk, not an over bearing funk but a funk which is making writing very difficult- which is strange because all I want to do is let you guys know about this great play I've been reading, but I am unable to write about the play or anything I particularly want to write about. It's strange, because I want to write. I had to google blog post ideas. Needless to say, all the makeup orientated post inspiration didn't inspire me. I've been wearing the same makeup pretty much my entire life, the occasional replacement of a product if I find out the brand isn't cruelty free. I'm going to have a bitch n a moan instead. 

I have found throughout my teenage years, many adults tell me to enjoy being a certain age, how being this age/ being at high school was the best time of their lives so I should live my life to the fullest and enjoy being that age. Although they don’t mean it, in my head I automatically think they mean that I should be getting as smashed as I can before I begin to get proper hangovers. I know that’s not what they mean, well I assume it’s not what they mean, but either way I think it’s dumb for adults to infiltrate our brains and trick us into thinking the younger years of our lives are going to be the best. I don’t really know how to explain, I struggle to be eloquent. I feel like adults have made growing up seem to be so void of enjoyment which, consequently, creates this pressure to make every moment of youth as fun as possible and has also created an unjustified fear of getting older. I think my ‘beef’ (if you will) with the pressure to enjoy being young, is that it makes me doubt myself in a way. By the time I’m older I will have a kinder brain (make it a statement, not a hope, make it a reality!) but will it be too late? Am I going to look back on my life and feel regret as a lot of my nights out were when I was young and didn’t enjoy them as much as I 'should' have, am I going to regret cancelling on my friends in order to give my brain a break because in adulthood it’s a lot more difficult to see friends? The questions are endless, but I think the answer is going to be no. I don’t really know how to explain, just either way, it’s dumb to associate youth with fun and it’s dumb to tell people to enjoy being a certain age, as it makes them scared to leave that age. Oh to be young and in love, oh to be young and free, oh to have a beautiful youthful body- well bitch, I know for sure I’m going to be 64 years old slamming tequila shots, having sex, wearing a bikini, feeling in love and feeling great. Why do people make getting older seem so bad? Yes, with age comes responsibilities (ew) and health problems and all that shit, but I don’t know, it just seems dumb to put ‘having a good time’ in only one section of life.

Whilst I am ranting about the general perception of age, I will also rant about my perception of age. It annoys me that my brain associates certain milestones with age, when in actuality, these milestones aren't going to be met by that desired age. I feel like with goals, my brain doesn't take it into account that the situation is important, all it does is focus on the age. But success can come at an older age, anything can come with an older age, but why does my brain think I have to be settled down and meeting my dreams by 30? It's stupid and I hate whoever started the idea that success is an age dominated thing, rather than just a general 'this is where you life is' thing. Makes sense? Probably not.

enjoy first photo of me being 19 in which my legs look really long, but don't be fooled, I am actually a very average height
A rant? Brain vomit? I don’t know, getting older is weird but I know great years are to come and that the fun doesn’t stop just because I’m beyond 35 years old and that even if I don't meet my dream until I'm 67 it still doesn't make my achievement any less significant. Peace out!

things I've learnt, and things I'm still yet to learn

14 April 2018

It weirds me out beyond belief that my friends are turning 19 and that soon I'll be 19 and then after that I'll be 20 which seems like the official age of adulthood. It stresses me out that with getting older comes all these new social experiences that no one teaches you how to behave in. There are questions in my life that still haven't been answered, there are new questions arising almost every day, but with me and my friends it is the blind leading the blind. Maybe that stretches beyond me and my friends though, I don't know if anyone has answers to half the things I have questions about, but then there are some questions I have that I know some people must have answers to but I just find it impossible to come up with an answer myself.

just for the record, I stole this pic from Katies blog but since I'm the model I figured it was okay
However, despite all the questions I have and the fact that since getting older my brain has become more dominated by question marks than full stops, there are some things I have learnt. Some answer the questions that drift around my mind, but most things I have learnt have no relevance to any questions I've ever had.

Things I have learnt since I've gotten older:
-There is so much more to life than just plain humus. Branch out and try something new, my personal faves are beetroot hummus and Moroccan hummus.
-Not everyone likes ABBA
-If you miss someone, chances are they miss you too but it's important to not let the feelings of missing overwhelm you- you got to recognise whether is a longing for the way things used to be between you two or whether you actually miss the current them as well. If it's the latter, don't be afraid to get back in touch.
-Not everyone washes their feet in the shower with soap and, to be perfectly honest, I just find this very strange. At first I thought my friends were dirty, but more and more people have said they don't put soap on their feet in the shower and I can't figure out if this is a normal thing or not
-A mist of anger can become too thick to see through, so never reply when you're angry
-Break ups are complicated and hard. Before, in films/novels I never fully understood a parents desire to be there for their kids first 'heart break', I always thought people went through many breakups in their life, so in my head a heart break couldn't be that bad. I wish I had recognised the title of heart break more, I wish I could have understood that there is a reason 'break' is in the title, yet break doesn't even begin to do the feeling justice. I wish I could have understood that breakups aren't always as black and white as they're made out to be, that sometimes a breakup means you both have to force yourselves out of love for things to be okay. Now I know though, I understand the twists of a heartbreak and that a breakup isn't all that simple. I feel more prepared for any future breakups that may happen.
-Medjooli dates are delicious.
-The world can be so cruel, so you got to do some small things to make it better
-Literally everyones life is falling apart, social media just shows the good shit and some people use it to trick themselves into the illusion that their life is together since their Instagram is full of good times, but in reality we're all just falling apart.
-Some friendships need to be dropped, and it can be so difficult but they just do sometimes. Don't worry about seeming cruel, because if a friendship feels bad to you then it's bad for the both of you- it can be hard but sometimes you just got to cut that person out your life. Don't be afraid to unfollow them on social media, once you no longer have constant reminders of that person in your life your anger and bitterness will fade. Just don't mistake the feelings of fading anger as you wanting to be their friend again (and don't follow them back after a while as unfollowing someone twice on Instagram is just awkward)
-People who are 100% good aren't necessarily small and weak. And yes, these people who are filled with purely good intentions do exist.
-Dance! Dance when you're out, sing along to the songs!

Things I haven't learnt
-When I'm meant to pay for myself and when my mum is meant to pay for me. Do I pay for my own bedding? Do we split the price of my work uniform? Do I buy a Diet Coke if we're out and about together or will she?
-I don't know if I'm allowed to turn the heating on whenever I want, even though I am an adult
-How to stop being angry at someone
-How to walk away after you've hooked up with someone (apparently curtsying is the wrong thing to do)
-How to say no
-How to stand up for myself
-How to stop comparing myself
-How to have self control and not eat an entire jar of peanut butter within 72 hours of buying it
-How to go from acquaintances to friends with some people. Do you know what I mean when you know someone, but they already have an idea of you and you feel like you can't exceed what they already know of you so you live by the person they think you are despite desperately wanting to break that boundary and become an actual friend rather than that girl they see on a night out? I'm not sure how to explain.
-How to stop watching my life from a distance and actually experience it and follow the voice of reason rather than my overpowering selfish instincts

There are many other things I don't know, many other things I don't think I ever will know and a shit ton of things I will never understand. I'm trying to live by a quote though, that we should try to understand less and accept more. My desperate wish to understand some things is highly annoying and inappropriate at times so I'm trying to just accept the fact some things happen and reasons/labels/explanations aren't always necessary- or even possible. Even though I don't understand why not everything can be explained (ugh). Anyway, see you soon dudes!


5 April 2018

I won't lie- in Vietnam there are a few places we went which I could have done without going to. In some ways I think doing Vietnam in a group tour was good as it's so big and understanding their transportation systems (aka their trains) can be confusing. We got the night train a lot and honestly, if it weren't for our tour guide we would have been fucked. They don't even announce the station you're arriving at, you just have to know somehow when it is the right stop. However, seeing the freedom of people who were travelling alone did make me slightly jealous. I met a few people out there who had rented motorbikes and were going round Vietnam on their bikes (which could also be taken on to coaches and stuff) which seemed amazing. They could travel through little villages and stop off at any place they fancied and take detours to see some amazing scenery. Although, despite this seeming preferable over long ass coach journeys, the roads of Vietnam were terrifying. I don't think I could ever understand their road system or if there even is a system. My friend saw two people on a motorbike with a giant ladder in between them, or sometimes we'd see people carrying a baby as they road their bikes and there just seemed to be no order. It was absolutely manic.

Vietnam was the country I felt most comfortable in, I'm not sure why as the people weren't overly friendly, but something about it just felt right.

ps- in Vietnam I went to: Can Tho (but I didn't see much as we stayed in a local village who have connections with G-Adventures) Ho Chi Minh City, Nah Trang, Hoi An, Hue, Halong Bay and Hanoi. 


Let me tell you, Ho Chi Minh City roads are insane, in fact scrap the word roads because people drive on the pavement. Nowhere is safe. Other than that, Ho Chi Minh was fun- it reminded me of London in a way which was nice, it was comforting to have something that felt fairly familiar after the homestay. We just wandered around on the first day that we were there, I really wanted to go to the War Museum but by the time we arrived it was too late for us to go. I met some people who went though and they said it's a really good museum to go to, apparently it really helps you to understand the effects of Agent Orange and how devastating it was, with a more personal aspect as well. In Ho Chi Minh there's a big street food market place (where I got some banging cocktails) which reminded me of Camden and they also have a massive pub street- I didn't go out but the people who did had a wild time, to say the least.

We were only in Ho Chi Minh for two days, and on the morning of the second day we went to the Cu Chi Tunnels which was super interesting, 10/10 recommend going. It's definitely worth getting a tour guide there, otherwise I'm pretty sure it could easily feel as if you were just walking through a forest. It was strange, as our tour guide had been on the Americans side, and he would tell us the most violent, saddest stories and then would smile or laugh after- I guess laughter is better than tears in a way. At the Cu Chi Tunnels there's the chance to go through a tunnel that starts off small and gradually gets smaller and smaller until it's the size of the original tunnel. I went to go through the tunnel, but the size of the beginning was too small for my claustrophobic heart to handle so I just turned around and waited for them to finish climbing through. Apparently small was an understatement as to just how minuscule these tunnels were.


This place had a really pretty beach but other than that I don't have much to say. Some people went to a temple there that had a giant white Buddha, but I didn't go as I was pretty templed out at this point.


Now let me tell you, Hoi An was my favourite place of the entire trip and I think will forever be my favourite town in the entire world. It is small, it is quaint, it is beyond beautiful and endearing and I don't think anywhere could quite compete with the amount of charm the place has.  The buildings are painted with the most calming yellow colour and it just induced such strong feelings of happiness being surrounded by all the yellow, as well as having lanterns hung up across the little lanes that sparkled at night. I don't think it's possible to go to Hoi An and not feel in awe at the immense beauty and colour of the place. It's an effortless beauty though, some of the buildings are old but contain so much character. It's just an amazing place really, I wish I could describe it better.

There is a lot of shopping you can do there, cute little souvenirs, earrings- you name it. It is like a calm Brick Lane. I wish I could explain the vibe of the place, it is as if they have their own clock there and the days just stroll along. We went on a bike ride around the surrounding village and went in a coconut boat which was fun. We also went to a cooking class there. It was really busy for us as we were there for Chinese New Year, but it didn't interfere with the charm of the place. On one night we put lanterns in the river and it was just so beautiful, I couldn't get a photo but it was so pretty. Hoi An just felt like an entirely different world. They also have good night life, it's strange though as places aren't allowed to be open till a certain time but some clubs bribe the police to stay open longer so we just moved to one of the clubs that were open beyond 12am. There were a lot of tourists there which was nice and although they weren't mental nights out the alcohol haze definitely added something. I also watched the place wake up one morning as me and a friend stayed up and out all night just strolling around which was strange but also lovely. Although I did regret it when I returned home only to have three hours to sleep, pack and sort my life out before a super long coach journey. All in all it was a great place (a bit hard to find ice cream there though, that is my only complaint).


I won't lie, I found Hue a bit dead- you can go to the Imperial City which is cool. I'm only including Hue to tell a story about a lovely stranger that I met who made me feel excited to fall in love again, because let me tell you after going through a breakup I feared love due to the inevitable pain that would follow, but this guy reminded me of all the great parts of falling, and being, in love.

I was sitting outside on a balcony and this guy came outside (a very beautiful guy may I add) then went back inside and came back out with a chair. We sort of spent a few moments in silence then somehow a conversation sparked up. We spoke about TV shows, films and music and our lives back at home- the differences between growing up in Finland (where he was from) and the UK. There was nothing flirtatious, just friendly conversation with someone new. He then begun to tell me about his fiancé, who he had originally come outside to phone. When I said I'd go back in so he could phone her he said to stay, his fiancé would be there his entire life whereas conversations like this don't always happen. It was sweet, his confidence that his love would always be in his life (he was 21 as well, imagine knowing at 21 you had found the person to complete your life forever, even if there isn't a forever between them two, having that conviction and trust for however long must be a wonderful feeling) and also the fact that he was enjoying the conversation with me. It was strange but enjoyable just talking about everything with a complete stranger, I don't even know his name but I feel like that night we spoke about so many things and it is a moment I don't think I'll ever recreate. Meeting him didn't make me excited to fall in love, it was his pure, devoted love for his fiancé that sparked something in me, that made me realise the feeling of heartbreak is worth it for the intense happiness love can bring. I feel rude, sharing his engagement story so I will say it briefly. Near the beginning of their dating life, she told him she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, which unsurprisingly freaked him out. Then years went by and their relationship continued and he went travelling with a friend, and on FaceTime to her a few weeks he said he realised he needed to spend the rest of his life with this girl and so he proposed. My friends said it wasn't romantic or admirable at all that he proposed over FaceTime, but just something about the impulsivity of the initial proposal, not being able to contain the realisation that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her counteracts the lack of surface romanticism.  I have strange feelings towards marriage, but it's not really the proposal that got to me, just the fact his stars aligned and allowed him to realise how precious the love he has is and the fact that he can protect that love and spend time with the woman he loves. Also lads, don't even get me started on the way his face changed as he spoke about his fiancé, I never really knew what books meant by recognising love in someones eyes but ah. Ah! Love hey, who knew it could impact your life and your brain and your entire demeanour and perception and understanding of things in so many ways. I feel like seeing someone completely in love as well, makes you realise how much love can change a person- I would say I've been in love, but seeing someone else in love adds another type of appreciation for the feeling. Anyway, sap is over. Hue was boring other than that in my opinion, although we did sing karaoke which was fun.

I'm a fashion icon
Halong Bay was sort of the same as Hue in my opinion. It has potential though, and I reckon in a few years time it will be a great place to visit. We went on a boat trip and around caves which was interesting. Then me and two of my friends went to this theme park which was across the road from our hotel for a few hours for dinner and it was so surreal as the theme park was next to empty. We were the only ones on most of the rides, and would just sit there and ask to go again. It felt strange, but also very exciting. I never really thought I was a fan of theme parks, but going to one that felt empty created a separation between us and reality, sort of. We were surrounded by plastic dragons in a place created purely with the intention of generating happiness, so all in all it was a pretty great experience. Plus, we made it back in time for dinner.

Oh Hanoi, Hanoi- I didn't explore this place as much as I should have. Mainly due to issues with timing. I don't have much to say about Hanoi as I missed the opening times of most of the places I wanted to go, so me and my friends aimlessly walked around one day and the next we all had a lie in (which was a rarity on this trip) then continued to wander around aimlessly. It was rainy the last day in Hanoi, it felt like a slightly unfamiliar London although I was grateful for the rain in a way as it meant I could put my rain jacket to use.

I wish I went to the Ho Chi Minh Mausoleum, the Temple of Literature and the Ho Chi Minh Museum. It's so frustrating looking back on it and having regrets- but due to the nature of the tour, time in places couldn't be extended so I'm just hoping I get to go back one day.

Woah, and there is the majority of my Vietnam adventures! Vietnam is amazing and if you go, you just got to go to Hoi An. I don't even understand why I love it so much, but I just do. Anyway, peace out!
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