mental health tips for the oldies and newbies at uni

 -It is okay to not feel comfortable confiding in people who are meant to be your best friends. It doesn't diminish the significance of the friendship,  it just indicates a growth within yourself as you recognise a conversation with that particular friend won't provide you with the catharsis you desire.     

(Everybody reacts to an emotional outburst differently; some people are pragmatic, some let you vent, some tell you to sort yourself out. The responses can be frustrating, you just got to remember that not everybody experiences things in the same way as you! Your behaviours may seem absurd and lack all logical reason to them, making you seem impossible to console, but no need to get upset or frustrated about this. Some friends will let you cry, others will talk it all out. It can take time to figure out which friends can provide the comfort most suited to you, but don't make the difficulty of the search discourage you from talking about your emotions. Even if friends offend/ annoy you in the process of comforting, it isn't due to a lack of care just a difference between the two of you.)

- In saying this, do not become too reliant on friends. Friends will be there for you, but it can be frustrating to constantly provide support for someone when really what they need is a good ol' load of CBT. The NHS get a lot of stick for their mental health services, which is fair because it can be shit, but it can also be great. it may not even be great, but it can provide a place for a structured exploration of your emotions. Look into what NHS services are available early on in your university experience, before things get too tough. I would suggest looking now to be perfectly honest, it can take a long time to be given your first appointment, but you can't always simply rely on yourself- mental health isn't as simple as that.

-Look into your schools pastoral services! They are there for a reason! It was only in second year I started to take advantage of my schools pastoral services, and although it doesnt provide a replacement for counselling, when immediate help is needed, they can give you a comforting ear and some wise words. It's easy to get overwhelmed by uni life, but there is no need for your burdens to be veiwed through a lens of invinisibility and often the pastoral team can help you realise this! You are never alone in the stress you feel, it is well known that unviersity is a difficult place to be and there are many support services you aren't even aware of. Have a look into this before term starts. 

(at unviersity of leeds there are talks, group sessions and so many things about how to plan your time, how to deal with stress, anger, desoluteness. it is easy to disregard group sessions, but they are clearly doing something right as they have been going on for a long time it always better to have some sort of outlet than to suffer in silence) 

-Don't feel bad about  taking a step back from a friendship - just don't do it without an honet converstion about why you need to step back 

- Grades don't define you! Learn from a bad grade, read the feedback. Have a cry and then move on. use the bad grades to motivate you. It can be ahrd, especially if youre used to being a star pupil and getting the top grades, but unviersity just isnt like that. also if you do a humanities subject, one tutors mark of a 2:2 could be anothers low first. it is hard, but it is what it is. just learn from low grades, find a common theme in feedback and work on it. but jsut rememebr as well, grades don't define you. if you get a bad grade, let yourself cry then go and see your friends (once I got a bad grade, cried in the toilets for two hours and was going to spend the rest of the evening being a sad loser girl, but instead my friends forced me to go to filmsoc, I watched Booksmart with my pals and had a wonderful evening! friends can help you out of rutts in the most simple of ways) 

- e x e r c i s e! can not recommend enough. walk and explore your new city, go on runs, workout from home. don't get bogged down in uni work and living a social life. you may not get that serotonin boost that exercise seems to promise, but eventually it will at least help you feel better about yourself. 

- drinking can make you sad! respect your bodys reaction to alcohol and don't feel bad for making this a reason as to why you say no. if i drink more than twice a week I feel awful, i get riddled with anxiety that cripples me and fills with self doubt. at uni drinking culture is such a big thing. don't feel bad about saying no to drinking though, find other ways to hang out with friends. watch films with them when they are hungover, go on walks before they start drinking, spend time with them outside of drinking so that you don't feel left out and so that you can remain in a good headspace. then when you do drink, hopefully the repurcussions wont be as crippling. 

university is difficult for those with and without mental halth issues, but the whole culture of university is very anxiety inducing; having to make friends, the focus of your future, drinking, late nights, lack of sleep. just take care of yourself, be proactive and know that more often than not somebody will be able to relate to how youre feeling and provide you with a comforting presence.

northern adventures

long time no post! Despite the stillness of lockdown, life has felt busy. Days were initially filled with writing essays and long walks, then once deadlines were met I moved back up to Leeds where fun and adventures with housemates were rife. Then on the long awaited 4th July, I was informed my place of work would open again and days since have been filled with being an excellent barista and fleeting days off which are used to satisfy my constant cravings for aperol spritz. Writing did not feel right for a long time for a plethora of reasons, but after having a wonderful day in York with Katie I remembered how many great things I have experienced because of this blog and to abandon it for a reason as lame as 'a prolonged writing slump' is ridiculous.

apologies for the poor quality, I used an odd photo editing online site. just trust me when I say I have never so deeply enjoyed the magnifigence of nature as I did during some of these hikes. 

things I've been up to:
- I read an incredible book called Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. It is about a woman who immigrates to the US from Nigeria and I could not insist you read it enough.
-I also read a really cool book called The Vegetarian by Han King. It follows a family in South Korea whose lives become upturned when one of the members decides to become a vegetarian. Cool read, but also an uncomfortable read
-I saw Katie in York and we had delicious tapas as a poor replication of the holiday in Spain we were supposed to have
- I went to Manchester and solidified a friendship, making it no longer simply be a 'uni friendship' but (hopefully) a forever friendship
- I have enjoyed going to work. Last year I had to quit a job I was content with my managers suddenly became quite cruel and moved on to do some agency work instead, however the male managers were, quite frankly, disgusting. So to not only enjoy my new job but to love the people I work with is a very special thing and I am so grateful we were able to open back up after lockdown.
-I went to a waterfall and paddled in the water on one of the hottest days of the summer
-I went swimming alongside some ducks in a lake
- Said farewell to my home of second year, ending a great year with bevs and a boogie (making the actual move out day incredibly horrendous)
-I played Irish Snap in the sun
-I learnt a new drinking game
-I watched some very good films. BlackKklansman is now on netflix, as is Da 5 Bloods; both I highly recommend.
-I spent many rainy afternoons emboridering whilst my housemate did a puzzle with podcasts on in the background
-Hikes in the yorkshire dales
-Lazy days in the park, using sips of hooch and smirnoff ice to cure persistent hangovers
-Decided on a rough direction for my dissertation, crazy!!
-Moved into a new university home and christened it with a seemingly continuous game of Ring of Fire in attempts to get to know our new housemate better
-Watched Animal Kingdom on Amazon Prime - an excellent TV show
-Had a delightful morning wtih coffee and croissants
-Made some great meals (I'm talking pad thai, I'm talking chickpea pancakes, I'm talking the most excellent low fodmap vegan mash potato, I'm talking sweet and sour tofu)

So yes. Days have flickered between slow and busy and I wish I could find my film camera so that I could share with you all some of the hazy photographed memories I had captured, but alas, I am a mess. Although the uncertainity of covid-19 is still there, I find that the days have a little more hope in them and am ready to begin some work for third year. It feels beyond mad that I am going to be a final year university student already. Things are not going as planned, but it is not all bad.

second year sweetness + suckiness

I'm not sure if I was warned about how difficult second year is, it is highly likely I heard the warnings and subconsciously chose to ignore them to save myself from having to worry about it- but fuck me is second year difficult. I'm not sure what it is, but the added pressure of marks counting and the search for placement years certainly doesn't help. There also seems to be a lot more romantic drama this year, we've reached an age where we're willing to get hurt in the hopes of experiecing a glimpse of love but when the hurt happens, no matter how big or small, it creates a crisis in the fear of never getting to experience all that love that relationships have to offer. There is also friendship complications that seem to have appeared out of nowhere, people going against basic rules of friendship and basic rules of respectability. The only good thing is, we're all adults now. We value conversation above pent up angers and we genuinely do not have time for people we don't want in our lives, so there is no risk of fake friendships. We also all love another enough to not let such trials disturb the prospect of forever in our friendships. In saying all this, my semester has sounded very dramatic, but it is far from it for me personally. My biggest drama has been finding out I'm not as smart as I thought I was and trying to use dissapointment as a motivator rather than a prover.

I am more excited for next semester, mainly because I hope to get better grades. I also plan on doing more, I'm a peer reviewer for a journal released by Undergraduates, I hope to write for the University newspaper (mainly for CV purposes) and I just hope to do more academic things to help lessen this fear of the future and hopefully erase all concerns I have about the point of an English Literature degree. Speak it into existence!

soz 4 the photo quality xx

The woes previously expressed in this post have been intermittent, broken up by good films, good gigs, good dancing seshes, good friends and the revival of my love of chess.

Highlights so far:

- All piling on to one persons bed to watch a film
- Girly chats in another persons bed
- Going to a gig and absolutely falling in love with the artist
- Seeing Twin Peaks twice and feeling all the energy and sense of community from everybody in the crowd
- Watching Queer Eye in bed after a night out and falling asleep with my housemate
- Leaving a night out early with the sole intention of making hash browns
- Getting absolutely smashed on an unplanned night to help my friend through her breakup
- Walking back from a night out at a ridicolous time of night and finding a massive tray with a million wheels attatched
- Deep chats on the walk to a party
- Watching Pride
- An impromptu cinema trip to boost my friends' spirit, secretly satisfying my craving of going to the cinema
- Listening to my friend retell a stroy of how she stole a giant pizza
- Games night at my friends house ending in her housemates returning back from a pub night incredibly drunk with a lot of stolen memrobilia
- Walking back from a movie night, slightly tipsy and seeing people in the takeout shop near my house, others running out and stumbling as they walk, all smiling and hearing their laughter through my headphones. I was listening to a perfect song, and everyone just seemed to be in their own bubble of happiness. It was just really lovely.
- Bonding with friends housemates
- Feeling disheartened by magnitudes of work so we booked tattoos to boost our spirits
- Celebrating fireworks night with a homemade bonfire and watching a crappy film
- Finding out there is a fat arcade in Leeds (I haven't been there yet, but god damn after exams catch me there suckers!!)
- Friendships getting stronger
- Wednesday nights when my housemate would get back from her cooking class and she'd show me what she had made and tell me all about it (why is my housemate the actual cutest bestest person ever)
- Swimming
- Going on sandwich runs
- Drinking redbull in the library at times no one should be in the library
- Popping into the kithcen to make a cup of tea and then spending hours with my house instead
- Watching The Boat That Rocked
- Being vulnerable with friends
- Playing chess with my friend only to find out he is a chess professional
- Spontaneous trips to the pub to play pool
- One of my lecturers had a lot of pizazz, always making a Monday morning lecture more enjoyable (but also more dissapointing when it wasn't him taking the lecture)
- Panicking about the strikes and being rescued by my friend instead
- Jazz nights
- Sunday night Planet Earth watching with my housemate
- So! Much! Dancing!
- Watching my friend cook carbonara after an unsuccessful library day and banging out some mad tunes
- Discovering the importance of honest conversation.

In retrospect, second year may be tough, but it has also been very sweet and I am very lucky to have such wonderful friends.

unexpected happenings at uni

good luck to everyone going back/ starting uni! I also wish good luck to everybody else, but this list is specially for uni goers/ first time uni goers. I found that when I went to unviersity a lot of things happened that I didn't think would, and although I have no advice on how to conquer such happenings I figured I'd tell you some of the unexpected that happened to me, so if it happens to you you do not feel as alone/ shocked at your emotions. 

believe it or not, this photo isn't actually of Leeds. 

things to expect at university (some pleasant, some not) 

• Intense friend crushes
• Stress that everyone has made more friends for you (they haven’t, everybody has this fear but it is not true)
• Stress that people are living their uni lives better than you (it’s all a facade baby, do what makes you happy)
• You will meet so many different people - people who are rich, people who live on farms. It’s the first time I fully met people outside my social circle and it is crazy - I never knew so many people went skiing on the regular!
• Leaving things to soak is a banging way of doing the washing up, just don’t forget about it
• Your cutlery will get stolen
• You’ll catch yourself eating some strange things out of sheer desperation
• You will get ill at some point, and that illness will never truly pass until you’re at home
• There is no pressure to go on every night out that your friends are going on, respect and listen to your body
• Depending on the university, mental health support can be challenging to find but don’t fear finding it. Seek help as soon as you feel something is not right, you are responsible for yourself at university- you got to be proactive for yourself.
• You will adopt some disgusting slang and it won’t pass no matter how long you are at home away from the person who introduced such slang into your life (thank you to my friend Bella for making me say dank all the time, disgusting word yet I can’t stop)
• Some people who you don’t usually find attractive will suddenly become really sexy when they’re cooking - there’s no point in trying to understand this attraction, it just happens
• You may not find best friends within your flat, you may not find friends till second term. It doesn’t matter when you make friends, just don’t feel disheartened by not making any instantly - sign up to societies you’re interested in, ask people for coffee dates. Everyone is in the same boat, and everyone is always willing to make more friends so don’t be put off if you think people are already settled within a group
• Dependable on the person, but me and a lot of the friends I made at university all decided it made us considerably less healthy looking. My skin broke out from lack of sleep, stress and too much alcohol, my face as well got swollen from all the alcohol (classic alcohol face) but it’s one of those things that seem upsetting at first, but you shouldn’t get upset from these things. It’s university, first year is intense in terms of making friends, and it depends what sort of person you are but going out can be a key bonding factor. Don’t fret about these things, because it is natural and normal and although may be upsetting, it is reflective of a good time. (not to encourage obsessive drinking/ disregard of your health this is just to say do not worry about any alterations in appearance, just try your best to remain relatively healthy and know that if you do get bad skin and complete loss of a jawline I was in the exact same boat, along with a lot of my friends)
• Chances are no one is as cool as you think they are, yet if you still find them intimidatingly cool after a while they're probably a dickhead. Coolness isn't to do with appearance, it's to do within. (philosophical)

why is talking about dreams + aspirations so difficult?

'Don't want to know what I would be when I wake up from a Dreamers sleep' (-Twenty One Pilots lol)

Telling people you go to University is merely a segway in conversation to the grand question of what you plan on doing with you future. It is a horrible question, yet when you try to deflect it adults don't seem to understand why. I always say I don't know, because I don't really know, all I know is what I want my future to involve. Some people answer the question confidently though, but it is a hard question to answer with confidence because it is a peek into your dreams and aspirations. Vocalising such things adds a reality to them, which in turn makes the prospect of failure more prominent as if you never achieve the dream it means someone knows you failed.

It is silly though to be so secretive about aspirations, because adding a reality to them also adds a pressure to be proactive in achieving your hopes. It is just hard though isn't it, because not only does the threat of failure creep in, because if the dream remains in your head you will forever be in control of it- your imaginations ensure the dreams success, it allows your dreams to be only met with pride and support from everybody else. But, you should let people know your aspirations because such fears are silly. You never know what can come from speaking about what you want your future to hold, who you may come into contact with or just in general what support you will receive. It is scary though to tell people, in case you get met with 'oh I can't imagine you doing that'.

I think, moral of the story is, pursue your dreams and don't ask people what they want to do with their future/ what they plan on doing with their degree unless they initiate that conversation.

For the record, one of my dreams is to have a piece of writing published. I'm going to start small and go for the University newspaper (that nobody reads) and then maybe one day something will get published for the University alternative magazine, but the ultimate part of this dream is to have something published somewhere that is not linked to my university.

Just one of many dreams.

Another one of my dreams is for Pringles to fucking reply to my emails about making Pringles gluten free. I would appreciate if you will join me on this quest and drop them an email just asking them to make them gluten free.

Peace out xoxox

The Things About University

I feel like before I came to university I was constantly asking my friends for advice for starting and most gave the same advice of just saying yes and properly throwing yourself into the university experience. I was told that so many times. I was also told so many times that everyone is in the same boat so don't feel isolated in your fear. No one tells you though how fucking important cushions are, I bought one nice cushion and I think I need at least four more. Top tip to all you guys- advice doesn't always need to be deep, sometimes materialistic advice is very important.

The thing about university is that nothing can truly prepare you. Nothing can prepare you for how alien it feels to wake up hearing new sounds, rather than the usual morning routine of your family members. It feels bizarre living with new people, seeing the foods they decide to stock their fridge with, finding out which teas are their favourite but fuck me is it exciting.

I was always aware of the magnitude of my university and how much of a university city Leeds is but nothing could have prepared me for all the different people I'd meet. All my friends are gorgeous, but I've seen them almost every day for years, but here there is so much new beauty to see and become accustomed to. I don't really know how to get this across, but I feel like no one warned me (warn is too foreboding a word, but I can't think of anything else) of all the different people you will be exposed to.

I didn't think freshers would feel busy, but it does and I can't imagine things getting busier but I know that they will. I thought I had become pretty good at using my phone, but the beginning of university has been a whirlwind and I've hardly been able to speak to my friends back home. I get worried that they think I'm replacing them, but I know that they understand how hectic the beginning is.

I was out the other night and really got hit by the fact that this is my life now, it feels so surreal that eventually I will know this city like I know home. Every time I go to turn on my bedroom light and end up turning on the bathroom light I'm reminded that this isn't home yet, every time I go to use the wrong key I'm reminded that this isn't my life yet, but soon it will be. I'm proud to say though that I've already become close pals with the walk to and from Sainsbury's.

I'm enjoying university at the moment. My flat is lovely, the flat across is lovely and I'm yet to come across someone who challenges the happiness I'm currently feeling. Of course there are bad moments, I think most of mine are yet to come though. I'm bloody terrified of lectures actually beginning though and looking towards the future is equally as terrifying as I realise the end of freshers may bring an end to the constant sense of friendship I feel in my block.

ps- I thought of this blog post was getting my student ID, so I couldn't write any of my ideas down but in my head this was one heck of a post, but now in my hungover state it is lacking a lot of the heck I was hoping for but xx enjoy anyway xx