'Oh Grow Up'

22 December 2019

A phrase I constantly end up thinking to myself is 'Oh grow up', however most of the time when I think this I am just being horribly unreasonable. I wouldn't have called myself a judgemental person prior to this year, but I have since realised that I am a ridiculous human being who repeatedly thinks other people need to grow up for merely having their own opinions, taste buds and thoughts. Despite knowing that I am being unreasonable and that I should let everyone live their lives how they want because at the end of the day these things don't actually affect me (that much) I still do think there are certain beliefs and values that people need to stop being such a big baby about and grow up.

my friend michael, who fits into a lot of the criteria below. also couldn't find any other photos that were remotley in tune with the current seasons so decided to embrace the closeness of Christmas rather than use yet another sunny photo 

Things I will roll my eyes at and think 'Oh grow up' at if you say them/ express them near me:

-Asking for no tomatoes. In some cases it's acceptable, but at the same time, in a hefty sandwich, with a lot of filling?? grow up and eat them
- Not liking coffee
- Not liking hot drinks
- Not liking to have the subtitles on whilst watching TV (it's not distracting and if you genuinely believe that it is, I believe that you have a poor attention span and are dumb) (also I really struggle to understand what people are saying via a screen so please just let me keep subtitles on)
- Monster Munch being a favourite flavour of crisp 
- People who express contempt at athletes foot (we're most likely all going to have it one day! Don't alienate me for having my time come sooner than you!)
- Level one mild cheese being someones preferred cheese (albeit I am mostly vegan and I know vegan cheese most closely resemebles this, but lets be real mild cheese is flavourless)
- Asking vegans / vegetarians how much money they would have to be paid to eat meat / animal products
- Telling me you think you might be intolerant to gluten (hun come to me when it makes your entire insides explode, not just when you get a little bit bloated from eating bread all week)(to be fair this is less of a 'oh grow up' than a simple 'idc')
- Not liking foreign films 
- Not finding lizards really interesting animals
- Pretending not to know people even when you do just to seem cooler (I didn't think this was a real thing until someone told me they done this the other day. The audacity!! How can people actually do this! Grow up and be respectful you turd bags)
- People who think rich people deserve all the money they earn 
- Not enjoying soup

(side not - purely satirical, but also kind of not. I do think people who have a vendetta against tomatoes need to grow the fuck up) 

Things I will never think 'Oh grow up to' just because I realised the other list made me seem a bit too hateful:

- Fart jokes
- Any form of toilet humour to be honest
- Horrendously mispronouncing words for the sake of humour (top tier humour in my opinion)
- Novelty slippers
- Getting excited about Christmas and birthdays
- Getting upset over little things (we all got emotions, as long as you speak about things there is no problem yo!)
- Not knowing something and asking for an explanation (some people have infinite amounts of knoweldge, others don't and those of us that don't know its always best to ask even if people think we have the knowledge of a five year old)
- Wanting attention (within reason) 
- Spongebob references
- Having way more sugars than acceptable in your hot drinks (listen, I'm just happy you're drinking them)
- Having a blankie or a teddy
- Not liking obscure flavours (in the above I seem a bit like a food snob, but I would never judge someone for not liking liqouirce. It's more just the principle of the above)

living in a movie

24 November 2019

I have been gone for a while for a number of reasons, the main one being that second year is fucking me over a lot more than first year and I am feeling the pressure of my essays counting towards my final grade- something I struggle to accept because the imminent fear of the future is combined with this added pressure making me, quite frankly, absolutely terrified. I then didn’t write as much, feared that when I tried to write again it would be too difficult so I just didn’t write for ages and then low and behold- the time came to write and I just couldn’t. At the moment though, my life is resembling a movie too much and the person I want to talk to about it most, I can’t because they are involved with the dramatic and stressful happenings of said movie. So, I am here to vent.

things I want to say:

-I am starting to lose faith that anyone has their shit together, but I would find it very comforting if someone did
-I have found out something about someone I care about a lot and it has really changed my perspective on them, but I don't know if some of my new attitudes are justified or if I am just being too empathetic
-my life resembles a movie too much at the moment and I am the annoying protagonist that you scream at telling them to sort their lives out
- ‘don’t seek happiness where you lost it’ is a dumb phrase because sometimes you need to look there to be reminded of why it can no longer be your source of happiness, but also to see how things can change and how such a thing can cause you a new type of happiness
-Because of my tendency to understand/accept happenings of my life in a hollywood way, I’m really struggling to decide what is genuine in my head and what has been warped by Hollywood induced expectations of life
- Getting older means you have to accept and talk about your feelings more and although it can be hard, I had a really weird conversation the other day about my feelings and I still feel weird about it but fuck me is it good to just lay things out on the table. Moral of the story - don’t keep things in if something someone is doing is making you feel weird. You should only feel confused by yourself, not other people
-Emotions are actually really difficult to navigate and you can want something, but when presented with the thing you want/ the possibility of something you think you want it can actually just really confuse you
-Getting older is actually really fucking difficult
-Lying/ Bending the truth to protect others is dumb, it may make things easier in the short term but not in the long run
- if we were able to control the ones we loved and control our emotions life would be so fuckin easy
- but so much literature and music is about the fact we’re unable to feel such things so its not all bad
-being upset about your appearance is time consuming and dumb but impossible to stop

I wanted to do more of a life update post, but to be completely honest my life is void of any interesting updates that I can share online.

Im fearing all the adult things I need to begin, but my emotions and the way I navigate through life and confusion are improving greatly.

 I’m throwing in a quote here, it’s not really relevant to my life at the moment, but if you disregard its emphasis on heartbreak and just relate it to any form of sadness or whatever in your life, it appeals wonderfully

 “We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything - what a waste!”

unexpected happenings at uni

23 September 2019

good luck to everyone going back/ starting uni! I also wish good luck to everybody else, but this list is specially for uni goers/ first time uni goers. I found that when I went to unviersity a lot of things happened that I didn't think would, and although I have no advice on how to conquer such happenings I figured I'd tell you some of the unexpected that happened to me, so if it happens to you you do not feel as alone/ shocked at your emotions. 

believe it or not, this photo isn't actually of Leeds. 

things to expect at university (some pleasant, some not) 
  • Intense friend crushes
  • Stress that everyone has made more friends for you (they haven’t, everybody has this fear but it is not true)
  • Stress that people are living their uni lives better than you (it’s all a facade baby, do what makes you happy)
  • You will meet so many different people - people who are rich, people who live on farms. It’s the first time I fully met people outside my social circle and it is crazy - I never knew so many people went skiing on the regular!
  • Leaving things to soak is a banging way of doing the washing up, just don’t forget about it
  • Your cutlery will get stolen
  • You’ll catch yourself eating some strange things out of sheer desperation
  • You will get ill at some point, and that illness will never truly pass until you’re at home
  • There is no pressure to go on every night out that your friends are going on, respect and listen to your body
  • Depending on the university, mental health support can be challenging to find but don’t fear finding it. Seek help as soon as you feel something is not right, you are responsible for yourself at university- you got to be proactive for yourself.
  • You will adopt some disgusting slang and it won’t pass no matter how long you are at home away from the person who introduced such slang into your life (thank you to my friend Bella for making me say dank all the time, disgusting word yet I can’t stop)
  • Some people who you don’t usually find attractive will suddenly become really sexy when they’re cooking - there’s no point in trying to understand this attraction, it just happens
  • You may not find best friends within your flat, you may not find friends till second term. It doesn’t matter when you make friends, just don’t feel disheartened by not making any instantly - sign up to societies you’re interested in, ask people for coffee dates. Everyone is in the same boat, and everyone is always willing to make more friends so don’t be put off if you think people are already settled within a group
  • Dependable on the person, but me and a lot of the friends I made at university all decided it made us considerably less healthy looking. My skin broke out from lack of sleep, stress and too much alcohol, my face as well got swollen from all the alcohol (classic alcohol face) but it’s one of those things that seem upsetting at first, but you shouldn’t get upset from these things. It’s university, first year is intense in terms of making friends, and it depends what sort of person you are but going out can be a key bonding factor. Don’t fret about these things, because it is natural and normal and although may be upsetting, it is reflective of a good time. (not to encourage obsessive drinking/ disregard of your health this is just to say do not worry about any alterations in appearance, just try your best to remain relatively healthy and know that if you do get bad skin and complete loss of a jawline I was in the exact same boat, along with a lot of my friends)
  • Chances are no one is as cool as you think they are, yet if you still find them intimidatingly cool after a while they're probably a dickhead. Coolness isn't to do with appearance, it's to do within. (philosophical)

what is love if it's not young?

1 September 2019

(Musings caused by this podcast - Love Stories with Stanley Tucci by Dolly Alderton)

Adults always refer to young love as being fierce and intense. I think I understand it in a way, as it is the first time you have experienced such intense feelings so of course your first love is overwhelming and all consuming. It is also a time before you have experienced heart break, so you love unguardedly and proudly. Then again, I don't entirely understand the concept of young love and how it differs to adult love, I don't understand what it is to be in love in adulthood.

(disclaimer - 'libby, you're overthinking this!' , I know, but it's a musings post. I keep hearing things about young love, of first love, but why is the romantic love we experience in our youth such a distinguished thing! I don't know, and I know I want to accept more and understand less but I am discarding that mantra for the sake of this post. Also, I love love. I am a hopeless romantic, of course I'm going to think about what is so distinctive about young love and what adult love may entail)

Sometimes I wonder whether I find the differences in love so difficult to grasp because in my first proper relationship we went from the confusion of teenage years to the beginning of adulthood together, and with that the love I felt matured with me, but not entirely. They say young love is pure, and it undenialy began that way; the excitement at having sleepovers, the initial unsuritiy of sexual boundaries and the questions our hands held as they moved from beyond our faces was exhilirating - but is that a component of young love? Or simply the effects of loving someone? Or perhaps the feelings are still there, but just less intense, and the questions are briefer. Is the excitement from a sleepover lessed by the fact it is expected and no longer such a scandalous concept?

I can't imagine what it means to be in a loving adult relationship. The purity is diminshed by the confidence you express lust with as you get older, but then what fuels the excitement in an adult, loving relationship? What does it mean for the scandal to be diminished? I think that maybe, the exhiliration that comes from hiding the invisible marks of kisses changes into a simple glow, a happiness is left behind rather than the electrified feeling of need to conceal anything that can give away that more than just a kiss happened. This isn't to say I think adult love is void of excitement, more that I think I will miss the innocence of young love. I have some understanding of adult loving relationships, but will I sometimes feel unable to contain my love and display it through tight squeezes - was that young love me or just me?

In the podcast they both agree that the euphoria that comes with your first love isn't experienced again and I find that sad in a way. I know it is normal, and that love is exciting no matter what your age, and in fact it is slightly relieving to know that I won't face that intensity again. It is sad though that the more you love as you get older the less innocent and pure it becomes, because a small part of you will always be guarded in a way as you unknowingly begin to protect yourself a little more. I guess that is a good thing, but a shame that we can't always live in that unknowing bubble of purity and excitement. There is also the concern of the future in adult relationships, a worry our young selves never had to face. Perhaps my confusion stems from the fact I don't want to have such concerns, that I want to love freely and easily and think that can't be done without the naivety and purity my young self had? I don't know. I know love isn't that big a thing, and that love is love, I just don't fully understand why young love is such a distinguished thing, so seperate from adulthood. One day I will though. (or maybe not, maybe I'll never be in romantic love again - yikes !)

human sunshine + wonderful people + feeling proud

24 August 2019

just a musing post.

(the ultimate ray of sunshine) 
I feel like I go on about this a lot, but I just don’t understand how there are some people who are so pure and good in the world. It is like these people just radiate sunshine, even their pessimism and sarcasm are bound up in goodness. They have an innocence that remains intact, despite having been exposed to the majority of what the world has to offer. There is a purity that remains within them. There is a need to protect them, to shield them from those who aren’t as friendly, who aren’t as good natured but also a knowledge that nothing would be able to dim the glow of goodness that is forever inside them.

 I don’t know if they’re rare to come by, but I know four people who I’m pretty sure captured a ray of sunshine when they were born. They are good and pure and fierce and loyal and intelligent and are just such good people. Sometimes I feel in awe of what their life will become, because such wonderful people will only be able to do wonderful things for the world. It sounds wet and lame, but we all know the sort of people I’m talking about. They are beyond nice, their negative traits compliment their good traits perfectly. They are just human sunshine.

The inclusion of such people in my life does not diminish how wonderful others are though. The past few days of my life have featured many a tube journey where I have forgotten my book, leaving me to entertain myself and I just can't get over how proud of some of my friends I am. I have told them of this pride, but one too many train journeys has made my heart swell so I have to let my blog be my outlet, because if I carry on gushing to my friends it will just seem insincere.

  • My boys played at a festival and filled out the motherfucking tent! I have seen the effort of this band and it made my heart glow finding out people outside of our social circle were also appreciating their music (link to their tunes) (ps - they are called Gold Beach) (pps - my fave tunes are Paris & See The Light)
  • My friend who dropped out of university due to not liking his course and coming back to study something else - it doesn't seem like that big a deal, but it is! Imagine the stress of having to tell people you are dropping out, of having to take a second gap year (whilst no other friends are home!), the fear of being two years older than everybody else (even though this isn't a fear he should have) and having to leave the amazing friends you had already made- stressful! Proud of him for making the right desicion
  • I don't know if I've mentioned it enough here but one friend has her play being performed at the fringe fest. Not only that, but it has received some amazing reviews. It is more than it's success though - to write something and have the courage to let others scrutinise it, to commit to such a project whilst handling university, frustrating friendships and every other stress life can throw at you is an amazing achievement.
  • My friend studying at Oxford University - the infamous Oxford! Oxford!! Just sometimes I realise the meaning of studying at Oxford, all the history it has, the struggle to get in, the intensity of the workload, it's fucking Oxford!!
  • My friend who went to France for two months over summer to work in a hotel in an attempt to improve her French- but the barvery! She went all alone to a remote village in France where nobody spoke English!
  • My friend making it through first year whilst always remaining positive, an absolute bundle of smiles of and joy and positivity despite losing her sister earlier in the year 

I feel proud of many things my friends do, but these have been on my mind the most lately. 

good entertainment / educational entertainment from yours truly

8 August 2019

Summer is here, and if you're anything like me you have absolutley fuck all money to be spending, and fuck all friends to be hanging out with anyway (side note - I do have friends just all of them are on holiday, thus my summer is largely being spent in a state of bitter isolation). Never fear though, you don't have to spend your days mindlessly watching TV because in my lifetime I have compiled a list of enjoyable entertainment that will leave you pondering over your life, your wellbeing, what love truly is, the way romantic love evolves within your life, what you need for happiness, how grown up you really were when you were 15 etc etc. However, the list does not stop there! I have enducational entertainment for you too, because the world is unjust in who it gives a voice. Basically, if you want to be filled with a bittersweet sensation/ want to have some pensive walks/ want to learn but not feel like you're learning, then this is the list for you!

Mid 90's - jonah hills directorial debut ! it's a stunning film, shot with nostalgia as the filming appears as though done on film camera, sometimes switching to the viewpoint of one of the boys camera. every shot is beautifu, the soundtrack is insane and the story line is gripping. It's about a thirteen year old boy trying to find a place where he fits in, him beginning to understand there is a world outside the way he sees it. I have a lot to say about this film, but am struggling to put it in to words. It is an amazing film, filled with nostalgia and will make you think of your own childhood. The film just feels honest.

watch if you :
- want to laugh and cry
- be left with a strange melancholic feeling
- see some beautiful shots
- see some sick skateboarding
- feel proud of Jonah Hill
- think about your own childhood, defining moments that made you grow up, think about the naivety of youth and the way we protect innocence

Everything I Know About Love - Pretty sure everyone knows about this book. I was late to the party, but apparently a lot of my friends were even later and now it is circling around my friendship group. 

Read if you:
- are feeling romantically lonely
- struggling with friendships/ jealousy within friendships
- you want to laugh
- you are struggling with your mental health a lil (encourages reaching out for help and also just is a lovely book about loving yourself and accepting yourself) 

What's it like living in China? with Scarlett Wang - Getting Curious - It gives an honest insight into life in China, speaking about the attitude towards drugs in China, what it's like being a teenager there and why certain sites are blocked, it talks about their elections and just so many things!  To be honest, I would list every Getting Curious episode here, each are so insightful and Jonathan is just a wonderful guy but this one just gave such an honest portrayal of a culture I knew little about. 

Listen if you
- Love Jonathan Van Ness
- Want to understand more about life in China
- Are tidying your room (I love listening to podcasts whilst tidying my room) 

Louis Theroux - Mothers on Edge - Maybe I'm bias because I am in love with Louis (who isn't though) but this was such an insightful documentary. It's about Mothers who struggle with their mental health after giving birth, but I found when watching it that although I know of post-partum depression, I didn't understand the full extent of it nor the many other things women can go through after giving birth. It's done in classic Louis style, not overly intrusive and very open and trusting giving you the best glimpse into these mothers lives and telling a story that is not often heard. It is a sad watch, but a watch everybody should give. Although it makes the concept of birth even more terrifying it will also give you a new appreciation of mothers.

Watch if you:
- are prepared to cry
- want to learn about the less glamourise side of parenthood / a side that is rarely spoken about
- have an interest in mental health
- want to feel proud of women
- are prepared to have a little crush on Louis (why is it seeing men with babies always makes me feel some kind of way)

adios first year

28 July 2019

Well lads, what can I say- first year was certainly a ride. One of the best rides. The transition from my uni home, to my original home is strange. Going to uni I became accustomed to things; I became accustomed to meeting my friend in the kitchen in the morning and telling each other our plans for the days over an essential cup of coffee, I got used to meeting my flat mate in the kitchen when I was making my late night cup of tea and catching up whilst he tried to cook his pizza without burning it (spoiler- it always burnt). I got used to nights starting late, the constant company, the comfort of knowing there are always friends around. Now coming home I have to stray from such normalities, I make my morning coffee alone, have to make my nightly cup of tea earlier than usual, nights have become earlier and lonlier as my best friends no longer live five minutes away. My original home isn’t all bad though, it is nice to be with family and it is easy to slip into old routines, but I miss university. I miss my friends, I miss the city, I miss the culture, I miss the learning. First year was a ride, but I had some absolutle bangin times.

highlights of first year
-going to a venue with only one toilet so everyone was peeing outside, and at the end of the night people were roasting marshmellows outside
- seeing avengers and walking around the cinema absolutley baffled as to where our screen was
- getting pep talks from my flatmate when the fear of exams became crippling
- mistaking an awful chest infection for something more sinister then going out for dinner with my friend to celebrate the fact i was healed with a
-seeing Mid 90s with my friend and recieving the text we need to get sweets whilst I was on my way (fuck yeah need, not want!)
-facemasks and cigarettes and wine after the gym with marta
- Sneaking back into our flat during pres
-getting too drunk when you just pop out for one
-Going to free jazz nights
-The group effort to hustle a deliveroo
-Ball season
-Galentines night
-Spending far longer in the park than intending to on summery afternoons (especially after the english exam- what a glorious park sesh that was)
-Late nigh library seshes with popcorn and chai lattes
-Relaxing in my friends kitchen whilst watching wacky Louis Theroux documentaries
-Saying the B word (best friends) to one of my best friends
-Drunkenly swiping through Tinder with my friend after nights out
-Playing banagrams
-Going to film soc the first time by myself and making new friends
-Trying to eat melting magnums at the park whilst surrounded by beautiful boys
-Early morning walks to the library with my flat mate
-Walking back from a house party whilst the sun and the birds were waking up
-A quick coffee and a catch up between lectures
-Watching my friend make a bib out of a towel so she could eat her soup without spilling it all over herself
-Getting lost in the club with my friend and spending the majority of the evening just us two
-Literally meeting all the people I did. I met the best people.

things I wish I learnt sooner
- my limits with alcohol
- to trust my gut, sometimes saying no to a night out is just what you need
- the importance of taking your mental health into your own hands
- A bar in the union has Articulate
- Not to tumble dry all my clothes (rip my favourite jumper)
- the importance of washing my bedding
-keep a washing up sponge seperate from everyone else (pretty sure the communal sponge had more bacteria on it than a festival toilet)

I just looked at my grades, despite them having been published for a while. People kept feeding me the mantra of not to take first year too seriously as it doesn't count and I think everyone should hold on to that mentality in first year. First year is about settling in, about making friends and learning about the new city you're a part of and you can't do that when entirely immersed in your studies. It's interesting seeing my grades, I can fully see how much my nerves effect me (doing the worst on the exams I actually cared about despite preparing massivley for them, and doing the best on an exam I did not give two shits about). I'm looking forward to second year, to buckling down and striving for the grades I really want to get now that I have found my footing in Leeds.

It's funny because I always used to think I was a loner. I love my home friends but I was always happy with time alone. Since university though something has changed and I don't know what exactly, but I want to be around people, I want to chat to people and I'm not so afraid of meeting new people. University man- good memories, good changes, good people, what more could a girl want!

the realisation of maturity

6 July 2019

shout out to my dad for giving me his old fancy camera, I have no clue how to use it but get ready for some dank pics when I do ! 

I feel like things keep happening in my life at the moment that remind me that I am maturing. Not even growing up, but maturing. In a seemingly normal 24 hours of my life, four things happened that made me realise I am growing the f u c k up:

  •  I found out my friend has chest hair (a completely normal thing for most boys my age, just surprised me, then I was surprised at my surprise, and then surprised at the fact that chest hair on my friends isn’t meant to be a surprise for me anymore)
  • My friends sixteen year old sister spent hours on the phone talking about clothes 
  • An old friend posted a new Instagram 
  • A boy at work (who had turned 18 but a mere two weeks ago) tried to hit on me 

Woah Libby we get it, you’re 20 now! No longer a teenager! Get over it! You see, I can’t get over it though. I am an overthinker. Things don’t just happen in my life. Everything lingers on my brain for longer than it should, there is no happening moment in my mind-  just a constant blur of past and present. Therefore, I can’t really seem to get over it. So here we are again!

I seem to be constantly noticing things that set me apart from younger people. On a regular basis I catch myself thinking how young some people seem, but when I was sixteen I did not feel that young. I didn’t even recognise how much I had changed until my work life surrounded me with 18 year olds and I found myself constantly noticing the difference in maturity. Well differences, but also similarities. When the younger boys at work make crude remarks, or throw in offensive words they look to me confidently, as if to assert a maturity and confirm that they are now able to say such words. It’s funny though, because me and my friends use equally as vulgar language (all in good jest dw) but there is no sneaky looks aside afterwards to clarify that everyone heard the dick joke they just made, there is no laughs afterwards at the swear word used. Things have just become accepted now. The humour doesn’t stem from hearing the swear word, but from the way it’s used. Flirting is different now, conversations with friends are different now, everything is different now because there is no hidden desire to be older, the need for acceptance has lessened and just everything has changed, but not really, but it has. It hasn’t changed, so much as morphed into something more natural.

It’s strange acknowledging your own maturity, because you just grow up and mature and so does everyone around you. It all happens invisibly, at least for me it did, until a normal moment triggers a thought of how sophistacted you seem, or of how strange it is to be having such an adult conversation creating an abrupt feeling of misplaced maturity, except it is not misplaced at all. Then there is also a strange feeling of grown up-ness when I am around friends from secondary school who I only see intermittently. I once used to spend every day with them, and I loved them and cherished them then I see where they are now and they are vaguely recognisable but so unfamiliar as well. They’ve achieved the same level of ‘growing up’ as me, but I haven’t seen the development, and then it becomes hard to process the new people they have become, because the memories of them that form who they are in my head aren’t the same as the reality. It is strange.

What is equally as strange is that the boys I am friends with are now able to grow attractive facial hair, rather than wispy moustache and patchy beards. Or is it even weirder that I am now able to appreciate facial hair? I don’t know! All I know is, we’re all growing up which is cool and great but fuck me I find it weird to see friends at twenty, when I haven’t actually seen how they have become this twenty year old.

Love Island is Wank

4 June 2019

I used to need to be liked. I didn't want to bring things up and have my friends roll their eyes at me, but I am just too angry at the world. I know I am young and un-influential, but I have a lot of beef at the world and need to get my beef with Love Island off my chest.

I'm not really in the loop with Love Island, I would watch the odd episode now and then when my sister was watching it but from what I've picked up from the show is that they're not supportive of feminist movements. The show encourages bitchiness and nastiness between contestants, otherwise it's labelled as boring, but fuck me- there is barely any love in the world nowadays. The last thing that the world needs is a TV show that runs on gossip and villainizes ordinary, good people. The show shits on the concept of girls supporting girls, as an audience we're encouraged to pick sides/ favourites, they add in new girls to create drama and it  just doesn't show the sort of female interaction that should be shown on television.(ladies we live in a patriarchal world, we got to be there for one another am I right or am I right xx). Moving on from this, the show doesn't encourage emotionality within male friendships. It turns male friendships into 'bromances' which is funny and fine, but we're all aware of suicide being the leading cause of death in young men, yet we mock situations where men show vulnerabilities in their friendships? Seems a bit dumb if you ask me. I know it's not only Love Island that creates a farce out of male friendships, but the show is so desperate for laughs that they seem to erase all forms of genuineness in the boys emotions, but society is so fucked up now we can't afford for shows that dominate the media to be focused only on humor...especially humour that maintains toxic expectations for men.
(if you want to read more about my opinion of men / male friendships you can have a look here

Also, peoples reaction to the show is vicious. I've already seen a Facebook post passing judgement on the contestants personalities by their appearance. I refuse to accept it when people tell me to just let these people have their fun. Can we stop normalizing the complete judgement of people by their appearance? It infiltrates our perception of the normal world. We shouldn't encourage judgmental behaviors, we shouldn't teach young people it's okay to make assumptions off someones appearance. 
This show makes money off the talk , it wants us to judge, to joke, to insult, but to this I say - no!! 
It is honestly nothing more than a recipe for sadness and life-long self esteem issues. It teaches you you are nothing more than your appearance, that people will always scrutinize you until they find your flaws and also coaxes us into thinking that it is okay/ expected of us to scrutinize others. This show and our reaction to it normalizes superficiality and it is so fucking dumb!! We spend so much time promoting self love, advocating for body confidence just for summer to be dominated by a TV show that is fueled by malicious gossip and judgmental behaviors. 

Do we discuss the lack of diversity? The token black contestants, because the show can't be slandered for being racist since they have a few people of colour in the villa. Do we mention the lack of Asian people on the show? Is it because they don't want to be part of such a malicious and toxic show, or is it because the show wishes to carry on the disgusting white superiority complex? It is a show for beautiful people, those who are above average in every sense of the word yet the beauty that partakes in the show is how beauty would have been defined decades ago. My friend was asking me earlier if I had seen the 'curvy girl' of this season. The curvy girl. THE CURVY GIRL. Aka, the girl who is an average weight, the girl who isn't as toned as the others yet still has an idealized  figure. Also... the girl. The one girl- don't worry guys, they have at least one contestant who isn't entirely modelesque therefore it can't be called out for being fatist. I haven't seen the contestants for this year, but I'm assuming they all have bodies that are outside the norm. When can we begin to normalize some chub? Show boys with soft bellies, girls with small boobs, people whose arms wiggle when they dance. Eating disorders ruin lives, and once they've effected you they are sort of there to stay. Here's some numbers for you just to put it into persperctive:
-90% of teenagers are unhappy with their body
-Only 46% of people who experience an eating disorder fully recover
-Anoroxia has the highest mortality rate out of all the psychiatric disorders.

 The show continues the idealization of a body type that is unattainable to most - showing people who can afford nutritionists/ personal trainers/ plastic surgery/ people who just naturally have a desired figure. Kudos to the contestants for achieving such a body, but the show warps our understanding of bodily normalcy. It is not the cause of the problem I know, but it does not help. Summer is a hard time for most, the concept of a  'beach body'  still exists and this show does nothing to challenge that, but it should. The mental state of the general public is too fragile to have a show dominate the media that does nothing to support body issues/ male vulnerability / women supporting women. 

One final thing, the most outrageous of them all, is that the show triggers mental health problems within ex-contestants. It may not have entirely been the show, perhaps there were some underlying issues (I'm not fully aware of the whole thing) but I know some ex- contestants have spoken up about developing mental health difficulties/ mental illness since leaving the show. Also, Sophia Gradon, her boyfriend Aaron Armstrong and Mike Thalassitis committed suicide, all having direct links to the show. Suicide isn't something anyone comes back from, once you experience the suicide of a loved one it will haunt you forever. I am blessed to have never experienced it, but I know people who have and it seems like the sort of heartbreak that can never truly heal. Suicide is awful, it just is so awful and we should be doing what we can to prevent it. If it's not enough that the show has been linked to mental illness, surely it is enough that it has been linked to suicide- a preventable, untimely death. If there were a show that caused critical physical harm to contestants it would be cancelled, yet debilitating mental illnesses and suicide? Not a problem apparently. (would like to take this time to shout out to the government and the media for still not taking mental health seriously and the NHS mental health cuts that are destroying lives xx u guys suck xxx)

But for real, it is about time ITV invested in heartwarming, uplifting TV shows. If you want a drama, go and watch a drama that doesn't put everyone's mental wellbeing at stake. We're in a mental health crisis. We can't afford to be dismantling the concept of self love for the sake of entertainment.

me, feelin happy last summer. don't need love island to have a good summer! I had had a twister, hanging with a mate, having a good time void of Love Island

Not to shit on everyone's fun but Love Island is an actual piece of wank and defending it as a source of entertainment is wank. Watch Gilmore Girls, watch Mr. Robot, watch Gavin and Stacey, watch a show that won't make you pinch your chub in the mirror, a show that doesn't encourage the macho male stereotype. Or if you do watch the show, just be aware of the toxicity that radiates from it and know:
- Not to compare yourself to the people on the show.
-Not to judge the contestants of the show too harshly- it is snippets of their day, manipulated to make it more entertaining and scandalous to watch.
-They're real people who have feelings and vulnerabilities. Words hurt. 

My anger isn't directed to people who watch it, it is directed at those who cast it, who manipulate it to villanise and heroise and mock the contestants, who only care for entertaining the public rather than their well being.

That is all. Peace x 

To Florence

29 May 2019

Something that is hard to do, but more common than I realised, is get over a still birth. You create all these memories for them. Christmas was going to be hectic because there would be two babies there (although River is growing up shockingly fast), at family gatherings River and Florence would be the only kids and would wreak havoc, Florence would have been absolutely spoilt when it came to toys - having Rivers old ones, all of my cousins friends kids (what a mouthful) old toys, and as the first baby girl in the family would have been the ultimate fashionista. We had already created the path for so many memories. It is strange as well because you have never met this person, they are a baby forever yet you've felt them kick in their mothers stomach and have heard stories of them rolling about, keeping their mum up at all hours of the night. Their life never left the womb, yet you've felt their existence and with all the imaginations of their future they do have a life. Just not a life you get to live with them. It is hard to mourn this little baby as an outsider, I don't know how my cousin copes.

It's a weird thing to mourn as well, because she was a person, but she wasn't, but she'll never be forgotten but I don't even know who this 'she' was, but I do because I know her parents and I know she would have been a kind, smart, athletic, funny kid with a huge heart. I think, mourning a baby requires a reliance on your foresight, you have to trust how you knew this little person even without officially meeting them.

To forever remember Florence, as an ode to my cousin and her partners bravery throughout this all we've got a blue butterfly for Florence.

In October me and some family members are running a half marathon  and raising money for Child Bereavement UK. Any donations would be much appreciated! Don't worry if you have no money now, not running it for a long time so I can wait for a donation xoxox

what made me love

22 May 2019

I can't remember where I read this post before, but this idea is stolen from somebody and I can't remember who and I apologise if it's you and please tell me so I can give credit, for credit is definitely due here. I also highly recommend writing a post like this to everyone, it made me feel worthwhile and appreciative - two rare yet wonderful feelings!

what made me love...

Little Miss Sunshine is my all time favourite film. It's the first film I can remember watching that combined the happy and the sad. It's about a family on the brink of a breakdown, each member suffering through their own thing. It made me fall in love with films because it's the first film I watched that had a complexity to it, as well as having some gorgeous shots. Every time I watch it, I feel something, it acknowledges the brutality of growing up, of believing in something too much, in giving up, the desire for innocence- it is just an incredible film and sparked my passion for film and the intricacies and significance in them.
-The Royal Tenebaums is a similar film to Little Miss Sunshine, very enjoyable, very poignant, very beautiful (classic Wes Anderson).

foreign films
I am not an expert in foreign films, but I do love them. European films, I have found, not only have great aesthetics, but are so explicit, verging on scandalous but in a way that I love- I don't know how to describe, but there is often an intensity and a bravery in them. 10/10 would recommend. The film that first sparked my interest in foreign film is The Way He Looks, which is whimsical and beautiful and sad - it has that transcendence of summer vibe which I realised is a common feature of things I enjoy.
-Also have to shout out Shoplifters here, which gave me a new appreciation of foreign film

reading (and the different genres)
I have always been a fond reader, but the first book I remember being obsessed with was Looking For JJ. Maybe it's because I was too young to read it, so it added an excitement, or maybe it was the first book that I read that wasn't about fairies and mystical lands.

coming of age + old time literature 
I read Little Women was I really young, and had no understanding of what was going on. I have read it countless times since, it lead me to read Pride and Prejudice, Wuthering Heights- it sparked in me a love for Victorian literature and coming of age novels.
- I am dedicating more to what started my love for coming of age novels, because they make you think, make you appreciate life and understand more (depending on what is read) but I just love them. Submarine was one coming of age novel I remember reading that lead me to furiously search the genre. Such books have lead me to appreciate a new kind of coming age as well, where the protagonist is not a teenager but where there is search/ an exploration of who they were and who they are now.
- shoutout to 'Diary of An Oxygen Thief' a book I recently read and thoroughly enjoyed, and 'Call Me By Your Name', a novel I will forever admire.

My Dad Wrote A Porno was the first podcast I listened to. I remember listening to it after a hormonal teary break down after giving up with tidying my room, feeling utterly defeated by the complexity of putting on a duvet cover- I'm pretty sure we all know that feeling of utter frustration and anger (periods suck am I right!) and I popped on the podcast and I swear to god, it cured my period blues. Now I love listening to Modern Love and Getting Curious with Jonathan Van Ness. Podcast recommendations are always appreciated by the way!
- shoutout to this Modern Love episode I listened to the other day, made me chuckle  http://bit.ly/MLDogNaked

The Wombats are the first band I can remember ever properly loving. My sister used to make CDs when we went on holiday so we wouldn't have to spend ages scrolling through the radio, and she put Kill The Director on one CD and I would spend every car ride asking for my parents to play that song. I remember that holday as well discovering Mr Brightside, and I was swimming in the pool and had a revelation that they made a sexual reference in the song (I was very young at the time) and I felt so smug.
- shoutout to this song by Twin Peaks, so calm and soothing and lovely to listen on a night walk home. Also shout out to this song by Methyl Ethyl, it makes me feel empowered and important when walking through busy train stations.
-shoutout to ME! Follow my chill 2019 playlist for glorious, calming background tunes xoxo  http://bit.ly/chilltunez19

adult friendships
This make it sound like I mean sexual relations, but I just wanted to distinguish from childhood friendships because for me those were fun and easy. Taking a gap year, whereby there is no pressure to maintain friendships made me realise how lucky I am to have the friends I do and since beginning university I continually feel blessed at being surrounded by such great people. I love walking back from the pub and huddling together to create the illusion of warmth, I love receiving texts asking if anyone needs to go to Aldi, I love seeing the blurred outline of my friends on facetime, I love it when I haven't seen my friends in a while and the first thing they say to me is 'bitch let me tell you', I love the friends who give tough love, who motivate me to be better, I love my blogging friends because I am forever proud of them and this pride also motivates me (selfish lol), I love my friend Lauren who has a play that's going to be in the fricking Edinburgh fringe fest, how fucking! sick! is! that!!!!!
-adult friendships can be difficult, but also very rewarding because we've reached a point in our life where we know what sort of friends we need, and what sort of friends we need tobe (even if we aren't quite that friend yet, we're getting there).
-also prefer adult friendships because less bitchyness

peace out! do the list yourself to feel warm and fuzzy and appreciative x

why is talking about dreams + aspirations so difficult?

8 May 2019

'Don't want to know what I would be when I wake up from a Dreamers sleep' (-Twenty One Pilots lol)

Telling people you go to University is merely a segway in conversation to the grand question of what you plan on doing with you future. It is a horrible question, yet when you try to deflect it adults don't seem to understand why. I always say I don't know, because I don't really know, all I know is what I want my future to involve. Some people answer the question confidently though, but it is a hard question to answer with confidence because it is a peek into your dreams and aspirations. Vocalising such things adds a reality to them, which in turn makes the prospect of failure more prominent as if you never achieve the dream it means someone knows you failed.

It is silly though to be so secretive about aspirations, because adding a reality to them also adds a pressure to be proactive in achieving your hopes. It is just hard though isn't it, because not only does the threat of failure creep in, because if the dream remains in your head you will forever be in control of it- your imaginations ensure the dreams success, it allows your dreams to be only met with pride and support from everybody else. But, you should let people know your aspirations because such fears are silly. You never know what can come from speaking about what you want your future to hold, who you may come into contact with or just in general what support you will receive. It is scary though to tell people, in case you get met with 'oh I can't imagine you doing that'.

I think, moral of the story is, pursue your dreams and don't ask people what they want to do with their future/ what they plan on doing with their degree unless they initiate that conversation.

For the record, one of my dreams is to have a piece of writing published. I'm going to start small and go for the University newspaper (that nobody reads) and then maybe one day something will get published for the University alternative magazine, but the ultimate part of this dream is to have something published somewhere that is not linked to my university.

Just one of many dreams.

Another one of my dreams is for Pringles to fucking reply to my emails about making Pringles gluten free. I would appreciate if you will join me on this quest and drop them an email just asking them to make them gluten free.

Peace out xoxox

Learnt Some More, Still Have More to Learn

1 May 2019

Around this time last year I wrote a post about things I had learnt and things I still had yet to learn. In the beginning I freak out about the fact I will be 19 soon, and now here I am at 20 years old, freaking out marginally less about my age. A lot has changed since last year, I have felt a big dip in my creativity for reasons beyond my control and reading that post- seeing all the ideas I had and remembering the mindset I was in when I wrote it feels so alien to me. There is a numbness in my life at the moment, a resilience created by a medication that is just too much hassle to change. I put off writing this post because it made me sad seeing how much support I used to get on posts, how many ideas I used to come up with- age is meant to increase success rather than decrease it. That's not the way life has worked for me though, and things I cared about have taken a back seat. I'm not who I wanted to be at twenty years old. However, I will never be the self I have idealised. I may be disappointed at times, but other times I am sitting on steps with my friends smoking cigarettes and eating mini eggs to calm down from revision stress, or I am waking up late feeling fully rested. I am not wise, I have not reached an elevated status within the last year (not that I expected to) but I have lived another year and will continue to do so, therefore I may as well reflect on last years post/ create a new one so that I have something to look back on at 21 and think 'thank fucking god I had figured that out' (my reaction when I saw my point about Moroccan hummus xoxo)

disclaimer! if u ever want to buy me kettle chips don't be fooled by this pic, the blue flavour are my fave my friends just have no tastebuds 

things I have learnt...
-leaving things to soak is a great alternative to washing up properly
-there's no point in trying to change some peoples opinions of you
-people want to help you but you also have to help yourself
-sitting on a fresh bedding in clean clothes when you're just out the shower, bare foot with your legs crossed and the sunlight streaming in is a wonderfully peaceful feeling
-not all boys will be understanding when you say no to sex, but not all boys will behave like dicks either- never do anything you don't want to, the conversation isn't as awkward as you think it may be (and even if it is awkward it's your body, it's your choice)
-it is common knowledge that amount of teeth human adults have
-spots aren't limited to your teenage years
-the pain of a breakup doesn't last forever, and they aren't actually that awful a thing after a while, because you will grow as a person, as a partner and as a friend and that is a valuable experience that everyone has to go through
-even at home now that I am an old biddy I can't rely on my mum to buy me tampons
-boys who are hesitant about wearing condoms tend to be assholes
-how to appropriately leave a hook up without curtseying
-hoop earrings will always improve your appearance
-some people will find you strange, your constant singing bizarre and will look at you with wide eyes and nod their head slowly like you are a zoo animal. Abandon such people immediately because singing to yourself / singing rather than speaking isn't actually that weird and some people just have to grow up and smell the roses that singing is more fun than speaking. ( i put a full stop at the end of this one to highlight how strongly I feel about this)
-you will never stop feeling guilty for calling in sick to work even if they do ruin your self esteem
-gaining weight isn't bad because it makes your tits bigger
-gaining weight is just a natural part of life, if it were a bad thing it wouldn't happen
-hugging your friends and telling them you love them is always appreciated, even if they do react in disgust to your sentimentality
-good peanut butter is very expensive

things I am still yet to learn

-whether it actually is socially acceptable to have butter and peanut butter or whether thats all a myth those sick freaks who do it have been telling me
-how to stand up for myself
-how to stop being a crybaby
-where I can buy calypo shots from
-how to not worry about saying no to plans and feel comfortable in my friendships
-how to ask for the gluten free menu at a restaurant rather than getting my friend to ask for me because I have a deep fear of seeming greedy/ too annoying at restaurants
-how to flirt
-how to be honest about my feelings rather than coming up with elaborate lies on why i can't go out
-how to accept my relationship with certain people rather than let questions constantly penetrate the happy surface
-how to not be addicted to smoking
-how to communicate my annoyances rather than ending up in a brooding state of hatred for someone
-how to feel satisfied of where I am at.

Another year, more things learnt and more things I have become unsure of. I don't actually mind the fact I'm not a teenager anymore though. Although reading my old post made me feel a bit strange and a bit sad, I am filled with comfort that I was able to learn some of the things I didn't know before.

Last year I tried to follow the quote that we need to understand less and accept more. I still try to keep hold of this ideology, and have no new quote by my side for my twentieth year because I think I'm just going to try and be a little more optimistic. (quotes are welcome though and always appreciated, I actually feel a bit sad now that I don't have a quote for this year, please send me some)

turning 20 soon, but still hate baths + lasagna

18 April 2019

warning: all blogposts for the forseeable future will include reference to my age, because I am turning 20. Twenty! The big 2-0! The step into adulthood! The losing of my teenage years! You are not 19 forever! 20!! I will be turning twenty! (please hold all birthday cards and birthday presents for 26/04/2019 as that is the official date of the big day - don't feel surprised if anything strange happens that day ~ aka a giant rainbow, getting all green traffic lights, waking up with clear skin ~ it's just that the world revolves around me and everyone will be alerted of my birthday in some way  xoxo)

I don’t like baths. I’ve never really liked baths, the idea is nice and soothing but in my reality, baths never are soothing. It usually takes me about 15 minutes to actually get into a bath. I do the thing where you swirl the water with your hand, decide it's ready, get naked, pop a toe in, decide it needs to be about 75 degrees cooler so pop on the cold water and carry on swirling whilst still being naked with the constant concern of the environment and someone walking in on my mind. I end up splashing half the water out the bath in attempts to get comfortable before deciding to just sit in the middle in a state of distress. I notice things about my body, I see the steam rising off my body and curse myself for being such a fucking idiot for having a bath. I get hot, I get sweaty, I try to clean off the sweat but I can't tell anymore if the dampness I feel is from the water or the sweat. I sit there, I try to read, I can't read because I'm naked and vulnerable and uncomfortable, I try to clean myself again but baths never make me feel clean. It's just not a fun process for me.

I had a bath earlier, and I hated it. I can't remember the last time I had a bath before earlier, but I'm pretty sure it was exactly like that.

It’s strange because I’ve changed so much, yet I still don’t like baths, absolutely hate lasagna, I still reach for my blankey every night and occasionally have the familiar nightmare of being sent to boarding school that is run by giant ants that chase me. Turning twenty feels like a big deal, it’s a step into adulthood. Whenever someone behaves petty I use the ‘we’re almost twenty stop being so childish’ argument but I’ve also realised that turning twenty doesn’t actually mean anything. There is no age that defines adulthood, despite being twenty sounding good in an argument against immaturity, that’s the extent its grandeur. Sure, I’ve changed but being twenty is just a thing isn’t it. I’m still going to ask my mum for an advent calendar at Christmas, but I’ll be an adult. 

I have never really enjoyed my birthdays since entering the double digits. As I've gotten older birthdays have more been a reflection of the things I didn't achieve. For years I had this twisted mentality where my birthday would come about and all I would see is the weight I didn't lose, the friends I had lost and all those bitter things. Now my thoughts are less cynical, I see my body and my face and just unhappily accept that it is what I am, but I'm finding it easier to see a future. My past got me to university, it got me to great friends, it got me to be a new person, it got me to be a girl (NOT!! A WOMAN!!) who will happily dance on tables and speak in seminars. My future seems more hopeful, there isn't much direction but I'm studying a subject I love, I know I want to volunteer, I know I want to travel again. I find it difficult to enjoy my birthday because I don't really want to celebrate another year of failures, but with me and my friends constantly moving towards adulthood - away from bouncy castles and twister and Costco cakes and an unfiltered sense of self, I want to celebrate my birthday by momentarily going back to naivety. The loss of innocence isn't as melancholic as novels make it out to be, it brings about necessary intelligence, but it's hard not to see it as a desolate thing when your birthday is approaching and your mind is full of things you haven't done.

I am celebrating my birthday with pancakes, twister, many shots, many gin and tonics, cluedo, a bonfire, you name it- I most probably want it. I may not be overly happy with where I am now, but I'm proud of myself for making it to here. It feels silly to have another year of not celebrating my birthday and spending the day in a state of distress and upset. A birthday celebration doesn't have to be a celebration of your life, I think I'm going to use it as what is to come in my life. I'm feeling empowered, I'm not feeling ready for twenty but fuck it, at least it's not thirty. 

the ability to love

3 April 2019

Self-love, familial love, platonic love, unconditional love, obsessions, crushes, broken-hearts, love of books, love of music. Once I heard a lyric that said there's too much love to go around these days, and I disagreed. I think there is so much hatred and fear in the world that the concept of an abundance of love can only be limited to fiction. Maybe I misinterpreted the lyric, but now I understand that within one person love can take many forms. I have definitely been in love with someone before, I have met someone since where I thought I could have fallen in love with them if there were different circumstances. People say when you're younger, love is consuming and violent and full of energy but no one ever really says how love changes as you get older. I've seen old couples say love changes in marriage, love becomes a dependency and a loyalty rather than attraction and lust, but that is love in marriage. I don't know what love becomes when you get older if it's not passionate and encompassing, no one ever really talks about that. There is no denying that as you get older, the love you give is different to the love you gave when you were younger.

not a relevant photo at all, just always need a photo. this was me making green thai curry at uni for first time. didn't go well. 

I am no expert. I am single and confused and wanting so many things, but after many a pensive showers I've realised that being able to love isn't actually that easy. In life there are so many instances that make you wary of being in love, I've had bad friendships, big changes in perspective towards people yet we're all able to love and continue to love even after bad things happen.

I think I am able to love now because I'm better at seeing the faults in my personality and am working on changing them. Although, if someone else found a fault in my personality I'm not sure how well I would take it if I didn't think it was a fault, but I'll cross that bridge when it happens.

I'm able to love because I am able to respect myself. I know some of my quirks shouldn't be tolerated, but some should. I know now that a relationship can't all be about giving, that conversations can be had about respect, about affection and giving but some things should be natural. I respect myself enough now to not stand for a one-sided relationship. (not a dig at my past relationship, I had this realisation after countless shags that led me in a state of a disappointment - it's 2019 and everybody knows about female anatomy, don't accept disappointment from hanky-panky. Spread this respect to your life, you deserve to have your hobbies, your thoughts and opinions appreciated. Respect yourself, respect your wants and it will make relationships easier and once relationships become easier, to love becomes easier).

A lot of my ability to love comes from other peoples treatment towards me, and how I reacted to that treatment. It came from learning what to respect, what to enjoy, what to steer clear from. I think for me, the key to being able to love came from many heartbreaks. It came from losing best friends and a boyfriend, it came from me breaking other peoples hearts (slight exaggeration, a complicated scenario). I'm scared to be in love again because I'm scared of experiencing another break up, but then at moments like this where I realise how much I have learnt from having a broken heart I realise that fear isn't entirely justified.

Everyone deserves love and what not, but love is so strange. It can take on so many forms. It changes so much, but undeniably things change the way we love. I think I have been too harsh before, too expecting of the wrong things and not expecting enough of the right things. Love comes with vulnerability which is absolutely terrifying, but everybody is capable of it.

weird post, did not go as I expected but :) for everybody who reads, thank u I love u!

thoughts about life and optimism

21 March 2019

I was listening to a podcast earlier (Getting Curious with Jonathan Van Ness ft Jameela Jamill) and in the podcast they were saying that innately we are born as optimists, and that as humans we are built to love. It is only as we get older that we are taught shame, that we are taught to hide our feelings rather than verbally confess our hunger, our anger or our sadness.  It's sad and strange to think of it in that way, that negativity is taught even though that is a truth of life.

bad quality but got no pictures, waitin for my bday so can fulfil my dreams of having a film camera 

The thing that stuck out a lot to me though is that fact we are innately optimists. I always thought I was a pessimist through and through, but I guess my pessimism is the way I have adapted to deal with things. It is easier to expect the worst in situations to eradicate the threat of disappointment. I used to get annoyed at myself for being an 'innately pessimistic' person, but it was all me! I was the only cause of negativity in those situations!! So you're hearing it here first, I am going to do what I can to uncover this optimism that I buried for the sake of making life easier, because life is not meant to be easy and there is no point in thinking bitterly in attempts to create a sense of ease.

I was thinking about how different things would be if we were taught to embrace optimism, rather than seeing those who do as dreamers, as blessed people who live in a false understanding of reality. (they don't have a false sense of reality, they just have hope! and gratefulness! and we are silly for being mean to people who are fuelled by hopes rather than negativity!) . Imagine how much more people would like themselves if we were taught optimism, how much more confidence we would have towards our work, how much hope we would all have for the future. To be fair, bitterness and self depreciation are the foundations of all my humour, but there is still space for optimism.

I don't know, just in that moment as I was tidying my uni room listening to the podcast, and hearing that humans are innately optimistic I just felt so silly for spending so many years being passive towards my negative thoughts. For just accepting them as a part of my life rather than challenging them. 2018 marked the big beginning of me transitioning from being a sad lil bitch to a bad big bitch and I hope that in 2019 I can learn and adapt to be more positive in my approach to things, rather than continue to think that I am destined to be a pessimist. None of us are! (side note- not saying positive thinking is going to cure everyones mental health, but it is always good to challenge the bad and think about some things with a hopefulness because at the end of the day, we are alive and we can't change that).

first crush

11 March 2019

Isn't it insane how a song can transport you back in time, how no matter where you are, hearing one particular song can lead you to this refuge of youth within your brain that you forgot existed? There's a song from a film I saw when I was around 15, and on the rare occasion that song pops up on my shuffle I'm just taken back to a me that existed so long ago. It was a me who was confused and sad and hated school, yet after years of being the weird quiet girl I had made some friends. I was out with a group of friends and my crush, a crush we all knew existed yet only spoke about it in whispers as we waited for someone to make the first move. When I hear the song I just get sent back to that moment of us walking from town to the cinema, all of us spread far apart so it was just me and my crush walking together in the protection of the expanded group. It was warm and it was summer and I was excited and nervous- I hadn't had my first kiss yet and the practicalities of two people with braces kissing deeply concerned me. I was worried if we kissed we'd get stuck together and then everyone would find out about me and this person. When I hear the song I remember the way I walked, with my arms moving about more than usual in the hopes that our hands would touch and I could feel that buzz of heat and electricity again. I just remember feeling so excited, I was still young though- sex wasn't on my mind and I didn't know what dating truly was. All I knew was I had a crush that was reciprocated and that every time my skin grazed theirs I felt innocent bursts of euphoria. When I hear the song I remember how it felt when we had finally got the cinema and I was constantly moving so that my knee could brush theirs. When they finally grabbed my hand and drew patterns with their thumb against my palm I felt happiness burst inside me that momentarily hid all the sadness of the time.

Typing it out makes it feel like this one song reminds me of a lifetime, yet when I hear it there is just a fleeting sensation of youth and summer and a reminder of a crush so intense I thought it was going to drive me insane. I remember the happiness and excitement that encompassed my summer before a tough year. It just is weird how this song genuinely sends me back in time, sometimes so fast that it's as though it disturbs the now peaceful butterflies in my stomach. I don't speak to this person anymore, but every now and then we like each others photos on instagram and a few years ago I apologised for the way I ended things- it was young and stupid to them but they made an impact on my life. Now when I hear this song I can focus on the good, the naivety, the excitement- I can feel the summer that was tainted in my memory for so many years.

Peace out !
--ps, fun fact about the photo, taken back in the day, was going through my memory stick trying to see if I had any photos from that day, it was a long arduous process, I gave up and settled on this. How cool and edgy I used to be!

feeling safe

13 February 2019

I have one friend, who has always been able to make me feel safe. It wasn’t on purpose, I don’t seek them out when I’m uncomfortable or look for them if there’s a physical threat, but for some reason the knowledge of their presence can almost always make me feel calm. We used to stay out in London late and explore unfamiliar places and looking back on those times I realise that we didn’t take as much precaution as we probably should have, but the friendship was intoxicating enough to mask any possible hazards - immersing our brains in feelings of safety. I wouldn’t really say me and this person are friends anymore, yet every time I see them when we’re out, I can’t help but feel safe. It’s strange how we associate a feeling with a person, how somebody who I haven’t been friends with in such a long time can still provide such a pure and intense form of comfort.

When I was younger, safety was more a practical thing than a feeling. I never realised that the safety and security I felt was more often due to the presence of my parents than being in an actual ‘safe’ environment. As I’ve gotten older, and the relationship with my parents has changed, the thought/ presence of them no longer provides me with the comfort blanket that it once did. I know though, that they would protect me with their lives.

 I don’t understand why someone who is hardly involved in my life anymore can still make me feel safe. I’m not complaining though, just curious whether anyone else has that. I know the vulnerabilities of this person but those traits of their personality doesn’t touch that unwavering sense of safety, yet as I’ve gotten older I’m sure it’s the cracks in my parents facade of invincibility that has lessened the feeling of safety that I associate with them. Maybe it’s an innate feeling though, maybe we’ve evolved to find less safety in our parents as we age because bodies become weaker with age. I do still feel safe from my parents though, but a more practical safety. A safety that can be described and seen whereas this other safety is nothing but a feeling.

sweet moments

1 February 2019

I don't really know what I mean by 'sweet moments' because I don't mean sweet in the usual way, but sweet as in those times your head finds a brief moment of tranquility, or when there's a moment of catharsis that leaves you feeling tired but whole again. Those times which could be mistaken as happiness, but it's not happiness. By sweet times I mean times where you're able to realise things will be okay, a happiness with a hint of sadness. This post was meant to be my happiest of times, but I think sweet times are better because these memories just fill me with a warmth despite some not being overly happy.

need to get some winter pics, ones from summer are making me very much miss it 

- for some reason, the memory that is in the forefront of my mind right now is the time I was driving back from the gym in winter last year and I was sweaty and exhausted from my workout and my windows were down and I was just belting out Sam Smith after having gone through a break up. I don't know why this memory seems so poignant, and I remember feeling so sad, but so fresh after my breakup and my throat was raw from how awfully and loudly that I was singing, but it was a sweet moment. I think that was my first moment of realising break ups aren't all that bad.

- sitting in a field in soho drinking cheap cider with two of my friends feeling warm and cool just before going to a Jamie Isaac gig. We weren't speaking, just listening to music whilst slowly smoking cigarettes and just feeling the sun but we were all worried about how things would change once everyone returned from university, and slightly scared of the surrounding antics, but it was warm and we were wearing sunglasses and time was moving slowly- at the pace we wanted it to go.

- watching 'The Undateables' in bed all day with my ex, both knowing that the fling was going to end again soon but just relaxing in that moment, feeling warm and safe and wanted despite that awful awareness that it was only a momentary bliss. We both knew that there was going to have to be an ending soon, but it was nice and we learnt to just accept the complicated.

- strolling around Paris late at night and just talking forever about all my woes with katie.

- sharing olives with my nephew after work after he had dinner, because he's a kid and kids don't care how much of anything they've eaten and get excited for food and aren't afraid of any way they may be perceived.

- sitting in my car after new years eve with my friends, chatting about the strange events of the night, chatting about the people we hadn't seen in ages, chatting about what may go wrong in 2019. We were all a little sad thinking back of 2018, some of the friendships that didn't make it through to 2019 but we were with each other, just like we were at the end of 2018, and at the end of 2017.

- having a cigarette in the rain up north and realising the boy I was seeing was not the one for me, which is always a sad realisation but we had had a good time, it didn't last long enough for there to be any arguments or anything. It wasn't meant to be, but it was nice.

- realising short hair really doesn't suit me, but accepting the ugliness and not giving a hoot about it because it makes washing hair a hell of a lot easier.

- drinking a mocha after an infuriating day of house hunting, feeling bummed out at the lack of houses and the lack of agreements but happiness in the fact I had people to live with and knowing that the house hunting was coming to a close.

Sweet sweet moments with many more to come I hope.

why has uni made you fat?

23 January 2019

Hello! It is me! Back again with a less pessimistic blogpost than my old one, trying my best to blog this year- so far so good. I also wanted to try to eat healthier this year and not look as disgusting at university and so far, although it has only been a mere five days I have stuck to these agendas. (update its been two weeks since writing this, I have turned pretty slobby but not ridiculously so) .I think it is easier to eat healthy because its just me and my best friend in the flat and we're both on the same 'lets not eat our body weight in curly fries' this semester vibe.

Although technically we weren't eating our body weight in curly fries. I know I was eating more junk food than usual, but I was hungover more than usual in first semester and I find unhealthy carby foods help a hangover.

I was also drinking a lot last semester and staying out late to familiarise myself with new the environment as well as in an effort to make friends. (Now I've found my favourite nights out, discovered new music I'm into and made some incredible friends).

I also drank a lot of coffee, enough chai lattes to fund every single cinnamon business that exists. I had to though, as there is only so many Americanos you can drink in a day and grabbing a coffee is the perfect way to bond with new people.

I also stayed long hours in university trying out new societies and after I'd grab drinks with the people I met which often resulted in a last minute, not overly nutritious meal.

I gained some weight in my first semester at university, which is always a sensitive subject and like most people in the world I have had my fair share of body/ eating issues in the past. I have generally overcome them though, and each day that goes by I find myself forgetting the calories in a cereal bar, and how long I'd have to run for to burn off slice of toast. Or not even forgetting, but not caring because I'm at university and need food in order to actually do well.

Food and drink is a way of bonding, and I embraced it in first semester. I didn't in the most healthy of ways, but I've made my mistakes in first semester and am being healthier this semester along with more trips to the gym. It was always my plan to sort myself out in second semester, but when I went back to work the first thing my manager said to me (before a hello or how is university) was 'why has university made you so fat?'. The day can be summarised by my workmates discussing my new weight gain, I would go round the corner and hear them talking about the size of my legs, how my face has got fat and so on. The three weeks were fat jokes on end, at my expense, but not from all the colleagues.

It was hard to hear and hard to ignore, but I still ate quality streets that customers gave to me and I still indulged in Christmas which used to be a very hard time of year for me.

It's strange how they thought it was acceptable to discuss my new body like that, one of them being a girl and the other having a baby daughter you'd think they'd be more aware of how fucked up this world is at the moment, and how delicate subjects surrounding weight are. This post doesn't have the message of  'don't comment on peoples weight!!!!!' because none of us would at all. Nor is it looking for sympathy because I have had time to digest the insults and realise that they meant it in an observational way albeit not a nice way, and it was something I'm aware of. But, if I've gained weight by having a good time, and am still relatively healthy then what is the point in giving a fuck about it?

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