the ability to love

Self-love, familial love, platonic love, unconditional love, obsessions, crushes, broken-hearts, love of books, love of music. Once I heard a lyric that said there's too much love to go around these days, and I disagreed. I think there is so much hatred and fear in the world that the concept of an abundance of love can only be limited to fiction. Maybe I misinterpreted the lyric, but now I understand that within one person love can take many forms. I have definitely been in love with someone before, I have met someone since where I thought I could have fallen in love with them if there were different circumstances. People say when you're younger, love is consuming and violent and full of energy but no one ever really says how love changes as you get older. I've seen old couples say love changes in marriage, love becomes a dependency and a loyalty rather than attraction and lust, but that is love in marriage. I don't know what love becomes when you get older if it's not passionate and encompassing, no one ever really talks about that. There is no denying that as you get older, the love you give is different to the love you gave when you were younger.

not a relevant photo at all, just always need a photo. this was me making green thai curry at uni for first time. didn't go well. 

I am no expert. I am single and confused and wanting so many things, but after many a pensive showers I've realised that being able to love isn't actually that easy. In life there are so many instances that make you wary of being in love, I've had bad friendships, big changes in perspective towards people yet we're all able to love and continue to love even after bad things happen.

I think I am able to love now because I'm better at seeing the faults in my personality and am working on changing them. Although, if someone else found a fault in my personality I'm not sure how well I would take it if I didn't think it was a fault, but I'll cross that bridge when it happens.

I'm able to love because I am able to respect myself. I know some of my quirks shouldn't be tolerated, but some should. I know now that a relationship can't all be about giving, that conversations can be had about respect, about affection and giving but some things should be natural. I respect myself enough now to not stand for a one-sided relationship. (not a dig at my past relationship, I had this realisation after countless shags that led me in a state of a disappointment - it's 2019 and everybody knows about female anatomy, don't accept disappointment from hanky-panky. Spread this respect to your life, you deserve to have your hobbies, your thoughts and opinions appreciated. Respect yourself, respect your wants and it will make relationships easier and once relationships become easier, to love becomes easier).

A lot of my ability to love comes from other peoples treatment towards me, and how I reacted to that treatment. It came from learning what to respect, what to enjoy, what to steer clear from. I think for me, the key to being able to love came from many heartbreaks. It came from losing best friends and a boyfriend, it came from me breaking other peoples hearts (slight exaggeration, a complicated scenario). I'm scared to be in love again because I'm scared of experiencing another break up, but then at moments like this where I realise how much I have learnt from having a broken heart I realise that fear isn't entirely justified.

Everyone deserves love and what not, but love is so strange. It can take on so many forms. It changes so much, but undeniably things change the way we love. I think I have been too harsh before, too expecting of the wrong things and not expecting enough of the right things. Love comes with vulnerability which is absolutely terrifying, but everybody is capable of it.

weird post, did not go as I expected but :) for everybody who reads, thank u I love u!