musings : body positivity on social media & body acceptance

In the media, there are accounts dedicated to positivity where attention is always drawn to the hosts imperfections, or accounts with a big following will intermittently do posts that highlights a part of their body which society has regarded as 'not beautiful'. There are women in crop tops who grab there rolls, who write lengthy captions about how they don’t care about their cellulite. There seems to be a long way to go until people can simply ~be~, where photographs that aren’t completely posed will be posted without a caption that gives reason as to why you can see a stomach roll. I also fall victim to it, but it also feels a bit damaging, or slightly, I dont know, less positive? I am sure there are big accounts that post photos of a chubby body/ body with scars etc without a lengthy caption to accompany it, or without reasoning behind such acceptance, but at the moment it feels like publicsed bodily ‘imperfections’ has to be in conjunction with a reason- a reason of showing that such imperfections are okay/ about the history of a battle with food/ a letting go of caring about social stigmas - but why is there rarely a case of women just being that way. It seems intristincally linked to everyday life as well- to tell others of our bloating not in a way to complain of the discomfort but to alert people that this isnt the ‘real size’ of our stomachs. It just all feels a bit out of wack that we are a society so insistent upon changing the perception of women, abolishing the narrative of 'this is how a womans body should be' yet still feel the need to justify our natural bodies.

I know that to achieve body positivity you do have to celebrate things that were once deemed an imperfection, but body positivity just doesn’t always feel entirely connected to real life. Do I have to let people know that I am aware of my cellulite and that I love it? Should I let people know that I am aware of my hairy armpits but just don't care? Does this make sense? Why can't we simply just exist?

(from left-right) image 1  |  image 2  |  image 3  |  image 4  |  image 5  |  backgrounds

On a similar wave length of frustration; there are all these posts about the ‘before and after’ of posing and editting, especially from influencers, which are wonderful to see. But then why do such accounts continually post photographs of themselves in an 'after' pose, angling themselves in such a way so that their body does reflect what is idiolised? I do love everyone celebrating their bodies, and I like posts that are about ones journey to self love. I just think it isn't right that popular accounts will post a photo one day of their body looking how it normally does and then always posting extremely posed and edited photos on other days. I know self love is tough, and people can be horrible, but I do think people with large platforms and big followings have a responsibility to normalise the way their bodies usually look and to not make self love such an intermittent thing. 

In saying all this, I know body positivity in the media has come a long way, and that lengthy captions justifying a post may be a defence against trolls or simply a celebration of journeys to body positivity. Yet such justifcations and captions don't coincide with body acceptance all the time, as there shouldn't always be the need to give explanation to our bodies. It is just an exciting thing to think about, when bodies will be posted without always being accompanied by an explanation, to simply admire a photograph that doesn’t come with a paragraph about how it is okay to look that way, because soon hopefully all girls will know that it is okay to look any way.

I have found it my mission to find instagram accounts that celebrate healthy and attainable bodies without always being accompanied by lengthy captions. Here are a few accounts I have been following and have inspired a new body positivity within myself, and I hope you experience the same:

@_nelly_london - she also has a youtube channel, but this is just her insta

@ariellanyssa

@thefatzine 

@thenutritiontea -  less so an example of normalisation but simply reminders of how to live a happy and healthy life 

to be honest, I am sure there are a lot more but @_nelly_london is one of my favourite accounts. Just a beautiful woman loving her body and spreading positivity and acceptance. 

turning 20 soon, but still hate baths + lasagna

warning: all blogposts for the forseeable future will include reference to my age, because I am turning 20. Twenty! The big 2-0! The step into adulthood! The losing of my teenage years! You are not 19 forever! 20!! I will be turning twenty! (please hold all birthday cards and birthday presents for 26/04/2019 as that is the official date of the big day - don't feel surprised if anything strange happens that day ~ aka a giant rainbow, getting all green traffic lights, waking up with clear skin ~ it's just that the world revolves around me and everyone will be alerted of my birthday in some way  xoxo)

I don’t like baths. I’ve never really liked baths, the idea is nice and soothing but in my reality, baths never are soothing. It usually takes me about 15 minutes to actually get into a bath. I do the thing where you swirl the water with your hand, decide it's ready, get naked, pop a toe in, decide it needs to be about 75 degrees cooler so pop on the cold water and carry on swirling whilst still being naked with the constant concern of the environment and someone walking in on my mind. I end up splashing half the water out the bath in attempts to get comfortable before deciding to just sit in the middle in a state of distress. I notice things about my body, I see the steam rising off my body and curse myself for being such a fucking idiot for having a bath. I get hot, I get sweaty, I try to clean off the sweat but I can't tell anymore if the dampness I feel is from the water or the sweat. I sit there, I try to read, I can't read because I'm naked and vulnerable and uncomfortable, I try to clean myself again but baths never make me feel clean. It's just not a fun process for me.

I had a bath earlier, and I hated it. I can't remember the last time I had a bath before earlier, but I'm pretty sure it was exactly like that.

It’s strange because I’ve changed so much, yet I still don’t like baths, absolutely hate lasagna, I still reach for my blankey every night and occasionally have the familiar nightmare of being sent to boarding school that is run by giant ants that chase me. Turning twenty feels like a big deal, it’s a step into adulthood. Whenever someone behaves petty I use the ‘we’re almost twenty stop being so childish’ argument but I’ve also realised that turning twenty doesn’t actually mean anything. There is no age that defines adulthood, despite being twenty sounding good in an argument against immaturity, that’s the extent its grandeur. Sure, I’ve changed but being twenty is just a thing isn’t it. I’m still going to ask my mum for an advent calendar at Christmas, but I’ll be an adult. 

I have never really enjoyed my birthdays since entering the double digits. As I've gotten older birthdays have more been a reflection of the things I didn't achieve. For years I had this twisted mentality where my birthday would come about and all I would see is the weight I didn't lose, the friends I had lost and all those bitter things. Now my thoughts are less cynical, I see my body and my face and just unhappily accept that it is what I am, but I'm finding it easier to see a future. My past got me to university, it got me to great friends, it got me to be a new person, it got me to be a girl (NOT!! A WOMAN!!) who will happily dance on tables and speak in seminars. My future seems more hopeful, there isn't much direction but I'm studying a subject I love, I know I want to volunteer, I know I want to travel again. I find it difficult to enjoy my birthday because I don't really want to celebrate another year of failures, but with me and my friends constantly moving towards adulthood - away from bouncy castles and twister and Costco cakes and an unfiltered sense of self, I want to celebrate my birthday by momentarily going back to naivety. The loss of innocence isn't as melancholic as novels make it out to be, it brings about necessary intelligence, but it's hard not to see it as a desolate thing when your birthday is approaching and your mind is full of things you haven't done.

I am celebrating my birthday with pancakes, twister, many shots, many gin and tonics, cluedo, a bonfire, you name it- I most probably want it. I may not be overly happy with where I am now, but I'm proud of myself for making it to here. It feels silly to have another year of not celebrating my birthday and spending the day in a state of distress and upset. A birthday celebration doesn't have to be a celebration of your life, I think I'm going to use it as what is to come in my life. I'm feeling empowered, I'm not feeling ready for twenty but fuck it, at least it's not thirty. 

the ability to love

Self-love, familial love, platonic love, unconditional love, obsessions, crushes, broken-hearts, love of books, love of music. Once I heard a lyric that said there's too much love to go around these days, and I disagreed. I think there is so much hatred and fear in the world that the concept of an abundance of love can only be limited to fiction. Maybe I misinterpreted the lyric, but now I understand that within one person love can take many forms. I have definitely been in love with someone before, I have met someone since where I thought I could have fallen in love with them if there were different circumstances. People say when you're younger, love is consuming and violent and full of energy but no one ever really says how love changes as you get older. I've seen old couples say love changes in marriage, love becomes a dependency and a loyalty rather than attraction and lust, but that is love in marriage. I don't know what love becomes when you get older if it's not passionate and encompassing, no one ever really talks about that. There is no denying that as you get older, the love you give is different to the love you gave when you were younger.

not a relevant photo at all, just always need a photo. this was me making green thai curry at uni for first time. didn't go well. 

I am no expert. I am single and confused and wanting so many things, but after many a pensive showers I've realised that being able to love isn't actually that easy. In life there are so many instances that make you wary of being in love, I've had bad friendships, big changes in perspective towards people yet we're all able to love and continue to love even after bad things happen.

I think I am able to love now because I'm better at seeing the faults in my personality and am working on changing them. Although, if someone else found a fault in my personality I'm not sure how well I would take it if I didn't think it was a fault, but I'll cross that bridge when it happens.

I'm able to love because I am able to respect myself. I know some of my quirks shouldn't be tolerated, but some should. I know now that a relationship can't all be about giving, that conversations can be had about respect, about affection and giving but some things should be natural. I respect myself enough now to not stand for a one-sided relationship. (not a dig at my past relationship, I had this realisation after countless shags that led me in a state of a disappointment - it's 2019 and everybody knows about female anatomy, don't accept disappointment from hanky-panky. Spread this respect to your life, you deserve to have your hobbies, your thoughts and opinions appreciated. Respect yourself, respect your wants and it will make relationships easier and once relationships become easier, to love becomes easier).

A lot of my ability to love comes from other peoples treatment towards me, and how I reacted to that treatment. It came from learning what to respect, what to enjoy, what to steer clear from. I think for me, the key to being able to love came from many heartbreaks. It came from losing best friends and a boyfriend, it came from me breaking other peoples hearts (slight exaggeration, a complicated scenario). I'm scared to be in love again because I'm scared of experiencing another break up, but then at moments like this where I realise how much I have learnt from having a broken heart I realise that fear isn't entirely justified.

Everyone deserves love and what not, but love is so strange. It can take on so many forms. It changes so much, but undeniably things change the way we love. I think I have been too harsh before, too expecting of the wrong things and not expecting enough of the right things. Love comes with vulnerability which is absolutely terrifying, but everybody is capable of it.

weird post, did not go as I expected but :) for everybody who reads, thank u I love u!

first crush

Isn't it insane how a song can transport you back in time, how no matter where you are, hearing one particular song can lead you to this refuge of youth within your brain that you forgot existed? There's a song from a film I saw when I was around 15, and on the rare occasion that song pops up on my shuffle I'm just taken back to a me that existed so long ago. It was a me who was confused and sad and hated school, yet after years of being the weird quiet girl I had made some friends. I was out with a group of friends and my crush, a crush we all knew existed yet only spoke about it in whispers as we waited for someone to make the first move. When I hear the song I just get sent back to that moment of us walking from town to the cinema, all of us spread far apart so it was just me and my crush walking together in the protection of the expanded group. It was warm and it was summer and I was excited and nervous- I hadn't had my first kiss yet and the practicalities of two people with braces kissing deeply concerned me. I was worried if we kissed we'd get stuck together and then everyone would find out about me and this person. When I hear the song I remember the way I walked, with my arms moving about more than usual in the hopes that our hands would touch and I could feel that buzz of heat and electricity again. I just remember feeling so excited, I was still young though- sex wasn't on my mind and I didn't know what dating truly was. All I knew was I had a crush that was reciprocated and that every time my skin grazed theirs I felt innocent bursts of euphoria. When I hear the song I remember how it felt when we had finally got the cinema and I was constantly moving so that my knee could brush theirs. When they finally grabbed my hand and drew patterns with their thumb against my palm I felt happiness burst inside me that momentarily hid all the sadness of the time.

Typing it out makes it feel like this one song reminds me of a lifetime, yet when I hear it there is just a fleeting sensation of youth and summer and a reminder of a crush so intense I thought it was going to drive me insane. I remember the happiness and excitement that encompassed my summer before a tough year. It just is weird how this song genuinely sends me back in time, sometimes so fast that it's as though it disturbs the now peaceful butterflies in my stomach. I don't speak to this person anymore, but every now and then we like each others photos on instagram and a few years ago I apologised for the way I ended things- it was young and stupid to them but they made an impact on my life. Now when I hear this song I can focus on the good, the naivety, the excitement- I can feel the summer that was tainted in my memory for so many years.

Peace out !
--ps, fun fact about the photo, taken back in the day, was going through my memory stick trying to see if I had any photos from that day, it was a long arduous process, I gave up and settled on this. How cool and edgy I used to be!

lovelovelovelovelove

Long time no see. University is fucking hectic.

In my spare moments, I've been reading 'Beautiful Boy' a memoir by David Sheff about his sons addiction to meth and I think next I'll read 'Tweak' the sons, Nic Sheff, memoir. It's a really interesting read, it's devastating at the same time though. Every time I read it, it makes me feel a heavy sorrow. I've never experienced any form of addiction in my life, from myself or anyone else in it, but bloody hell. Addiction seems awful, and it's so complicated, and reading the memoir is terrifying for the future. I'm worried someone I love will become an addict to something, I'm worried for families who go through this yet I feel a selfish glee at the fact it's not happening to me.

It's got me thinking though about this intense love of a parent for their child. I love my nephew more than anything, and I can't imagine a love stronger than this. But there is. I feel like the love for a child must be so fulfilling, but so difficult. I wonder if a parent ever wishes they could love their child less, when their child is putting themselves through a self created hell and the parent has no control; if they just wish they could love a little less. I see the fierce protection of my sister of my nephew and this need to protect never fades away I don't think, but parents have to let it go slowly. It must be horrible for a parent to experience adolescence. Watching that little, innocent person experience a world of smoking, drinking, relationships, promiscuity, sadness. All these pains and intoxications, that they've been through themselves, they just want to shield their children from. But they can't. I feel like it's a returned thing though. Sometimes you wish your parents could love you a little less, wish that they could take a step back. The more I imagine parenthood the more I think I begin to understand how difficult this must be.

I once read that a parent doesn't see you as the person you are now, but an amalgamtion of everyone you've ever been. I'm not a 19 year old to my parents, I'm my baby self, the toddler self who wouldn't take off her raincoat, the one who she bathed and hugged and has devoted her life to protecting. One day I'll have to do the same (hopefully- I am incredibly scared of childbirth though).

I don't know the point of this. It just baffles me how intense a love a parent has and how as you get older the love for a parent changes. It becomes manipulated by annoyance and an urge to rebel but after this manipulation it adapts into a maturer love. The need to protect and care becomes part of a childs duty as well. Sometimes I think about what my parents have been through in her life, as well as how bithcy a teenager I can be, and I am just in such a state of awe. I wonder if I'll ever be strong enough for motherhood, because fuck me imagine raising a teenager. Seems like a bloody nightmare.

So kudos to all the parents out there, kudos to all the kids, kudos to everyone. Love can be so painful and so difficult and so many of us do it and that's pretty fucking sick.

How 2018 Began And How It Will End

Happy new year everyone, I hope everyones year has had a great start! Seeing as my blog is my publicised diary I am beginning this year with a personal post because one of my resolutions it try and accept and talk about my feelings more. I don't overly believe in New Years resolutions though as I'm more of a do it when you want but I've decided to set a few aims for 2018 because I like lists. 2017 was tough for me, I struggled a lot through the year purely being because I struggle with depression which is not something new at all- however I went through a lot of things this year which were undeniably blown out of proportion by an unkind brain. This is a big deal by the way, because my mental stability is not something I often talk about but is something I've wanted to talk about on my blog for sometime and I think in 2018 I may be ready to talk about some things. The beginning of the year was met with an invalidating counsellor plus the fear of a new year which combined with exams put me in a very unhappy mindset which is ultimately why I didn't go to university in 2017, because I knew if I did my brain would unravel even more and there would be nothing left. My sadness never really stems from anything as my life is ultimately, very good, and then actual things happened and I've never really had an external influence to my mental health. However, this helped me to talk about it. It is hard because so many people self diagnose recently and I feel like 2017 was a big year of glamourising mental illness and I'm not sure where the line between raising awareness and using for publicity is but I do think it was crossed quite a lot this year which made it a lot harder to feel like my feelings were real. If that makes sense. Either way, I'm not going to say new year new me because a brain is a brain but I will talk about my feelings more this year.

I'm not a big fan of the phrase leaving stuff in 2017 either because I worry a lot and nothing can get left behind. I'm hoping my necessity to hold onto things makes things better in 2018 though as there are somethings I need to come to terms with and not being able to let them go will fuel this desire. This year I was betrayed by some people I trust most. One of my really good friends ended up having questionable priories and another good friend done some things which  weren't very kind at all. In 2018 I will talk about these things to these people, rather than drunkenly talking about it and complaining about how it isn't fair because I'm sure most things will be justifiable with a conversation. Once I have a conversation memories I share with these people won't be so bitter to me and although the fact of what they've done will still be there it probably won't be as sour to me.. Another sad part of 2017 was my exams, which I was hoping would fill me with pride but instead I worked so hard to be met with grades which I deserved better than. Also my dog died. My 2017 ended seeing my ex boyfriend dancing with another girl and kissing at midnight, consequently making my 2018 begin with 3 jagerbombs in a row followed by some shots of tequila. The taste was horrendous.  I'm not that mad at him though, as I know this is inevitable- I just wish it didn't happen whilst he was right next to me. However, I plan on meeting up with him in March and chatting because I am a big fan of closure and at the end of the day we were bestfriends and I'd like the friendship to continue. The rest of my night was great though because we went back to my friends and we danced and sang, I drank green tea and lied in bed with my friends talking about Robbie Williams. I was horrendously drunk but it was worth it. Then I went home and saw we had gluten free mozzarella sticks which made me realise 2018 can't be any worse than 2017.

There were good moments of 2017. I saw  Kinky Boots, I got completely off my nut with my friends, I met my nephew and new puppy. A lot of good memories are attached to sad ones though, such as going around Europe with someone who made it difficult, I finished my exams but with grades I don't appreciate, I got a full time job that has made me bitter. I did pass my driving test though, which is a miracle as I thought I'd be learning forever, I devoted myself to becoming a wine mum and now can get drunk for very cheap and I fully decided that I'm going to study English Literature at university. Also I met new people and found a love for Peaky Blinders (despite having to wait till 2019 for a new episode). Oh also I turned 18 and no longer have to take three buses to find somewhere that will serve me alcohol. I think ultimately 2017 was a bad year in many aspects, and many good memories are tainted however there are good memories nonetheless.

a photo of me and my nephew, probably my favourite thing to have come out of 2017.

a photo already on my blog of my main girl living it up on my 18th

a disposable that is very bad quality, but I think this was one of the best days of my trip around Europe as it was the day we all got on just like old times

my new puppy who although comes out of losing Lulu, still is one of my favourite things to have happened in 2017

a photo of Berlin, my favourite city

I always say I hope, but I need more surety and constants in my life so I'm say I will rather than I hope, also because some of these things are planned so there is no going back. So pretty much 2018 is the year I will:

-Travel. I've booked a trip round the south of Asia that is only 30 days but I am going alone (sort of, with a group organisation in which I know nobody) and hopefully my friends will go to a Spanish festival and if my Spanish is up to it I may try working in a Spanish hostel as well as a possible trip to Paris with Katie and Poland with another friend. Although I may just go to Poland by myself as I'd only go for a day to see Auschwitz.
-Call people out. I'm not overly mad at my friends anymore who have hurt my feelings because I know who my real friends are- I think my mum cares more than I do, but I still think I need to say some things otherwise I'll just drunkenly talk about things when truly it could be solved by a conversation.
-Take more disposables and journal more. Katie sent me a diary thing that I still need to fill out and I'd like to take a photo a day. Appreciate lifes beauty am I right!
-Learn Spanish, write more and knit more. These are just gap year aims to be honest.
- Read more. I read a shitty (but also lovely) teen novel the other day which has set me up to read again. I'm currently reading The Great Gatsby and next plan to read Macbeth (with the aid of Katie lol this seems like a big love letter to her)
-Wear a nice outfit at least twice a week. Too often all I do is stay in skinny jeans and a baggy jumper but I want to change this. Another thing is that I always wear tops with sleeves because I don't like my arms but I've worn sleevless things a few times on nights out lately and, shockingly, the world didn't stop.
-Gym more. I love going to the gym when I can be bothered, it always makes me feel good and my legs are getting so strong, I'm just inconsistent with the gym. I am always torn between fuck it I'm young I'll stay out and drink and also fuck it I live a very unhealthy lifestyle I should go to the gym to counterbalance all the drinking I do
-Get another tattoo, I know what I want and I've wanted it for a very long time so very exciting
-Wear my retainer more, whiten my teeth, moisturise, exfoliate. I want to be a goddess by the end of 2018.
-Post more, by that I mean once a week. That has been an aim of mine for a while but one day the aim will become a reality
-Get a part time job and volunteer somewhere (this should be easily done I hope and getting a part time job really is a gateway to a lot of my other plans)(I hope)

I think that is me done for this post. Here's to 2018 am I right lads!