How 2018 Began And How It Will End

Happy new year everyone, I hope everyones year has had a great start! Seeing as my blog is my publicised diary I am beginning this year with a personal post because one of my resolutions it try and accept and talk about my feelings more. I don't overly believe in New Years resolutions though as I'm more of a do it when you want but I've decided to set a few aims for 2018 because I like lists. 2017 was tough for me, I struggled a lot through the year purely being because I struggle with depression which is not something new at all- however I went through a lot of things this year which were undeniably blown out of proportion by an unkind brain. This is a big deal by the way, because my mental stability is not something I often talk about but is something I've wanted to talk about on my blog for sometime and I think in 2018 I may be ready to talk about some things. The beginning of the year was met with an invalidating counsellor plus the fear of a new year which combined with exams put me in a very unhappy mindset which is ultimately why I didn't go to university in 2017, because I knew if I did my brain would unravel even more and there would be nothing left. My sadness never really stems from anything as my life is ultimately, very good, and then actual things happened and I've never really had an external influence to my mental health. However, this helped me to talk about it. It is hard because so many people self diagnose recently and I feel like 2017 was a big year of glamourising mental illness and I'm not sure where the line between raising awareness and using for publicity is but I do think it was crossed quite a lot this year which made it a lot harder to feel like my feelings were real. If that makes sense. Either way, I'm not going to say new year new me because a brain is a brain but I will talk about my feelings more this year.

I'm not a big fan of the phrase leaving stuff in 2017 either because I worry a lot and nothing can get left behind. I'm hoping my necessity to hold onto things makes things better in 2018 though as there are somethings I need to come to terms with and not being able to let them go will fuel this desire. This year I was betrayed by some people I trust most. One of my really good friends ended up having questionable priories and another good friend done some things which  weren't very kind at all. In 2018 I will talk about these things to these people, rather than drunkenly talking about it and complaining about how it isn't fair because I'm sure most things will be justifiable with a conversation. Once I have a conversation memories I share with these people won't be so bitter to me and although the fact of what they've done will still be there it probably won't be as sour to me.. Another sad part of 2017 was my exams, which I was hoping would fill me with pride but instead I worked so hard to be met with grades which I deserved better than. Also my dog died. My 2017 ended seeing my ex boyfriend dancing with another girl and kissing at midnight, consequently making my 2018 begin with 3 jagerbombs in a row followed by some shots of tequila. The taste was horrendous.  I'm not that mad at him though, as I know this is inevitable- I just wish it didn't happen whilst he was right next to me. However, I plan on meeting up with him in March and chatting because I am a big fan of closure and at the end of the day we were bestfriends and I'd like the friendship to continue. The rest of my night was great though because we went back to my friends and we danced and sang, I drank green tea and lied in bed with my friends talking about Robbie Williams. I was horrendously drunk but it was worth it. Then I went home and saw we had gluten free mozzarella sticks which made me realise 2018 can't be any worse than 2017.

There were good moments of 2017. I saw  Kinky Boots, I got completely off my nut with my friends, I met my nephew and new puppy. A lot of good memories are attached to sad ones though, such as going around Europe with someone who made it difficult, I finished my exams but with grades I don't appreciate, I got a full time job that has made me bitter. I did pass my driving test though, which is a miracle as I thought I'd be learning forever, I devoted myself to becoming a wine mum and now can get drunk for very cheap and I fully decided that I'm going to study English Literature at university. Also I met new people and found a love for Peaky Blinders (despite having to wait till 2019 for a new episode). Oh also I turned 18 and no longer have to take three buses to find somewhere that will serve me alcohol. I think ultimately 2017 was a bad year in many aspects, and many good memories are tainted however there are good memories nonetheless.

a photo of me and my nephew, probably my favourite thing to have come out of 2017.

a photo already on my blog of my main girl living it up on my 18th

a disposable that is very bad quality, but I think this was one of the best days of my trip around Europe as it was the day we all got on just like old times

my new puppy who although comes out of losing Lulu, still is one of my favourite things to have happened in 2017

a photo of Berlin, my favourite city

I always say I hope, but I need more surety and constants in my life so I'm say I will rather than I hope, also because some of these things are planned so there is no going back. So pretty much 2018 is the year I will:

-Travel. I've booked a trip round the south of Asia that is only 30 days but I am going alone (sort of, with a group organisation in which I know nobody) and hopefully my friends will go to a Spanish festival and if my Spanish is up to it I may try working in a Spanish hostel as well as a possible trip to Paris with Katie and Poland with another friend. Although I may just go to Poland by myself as I'd only go for a day to see Auschwitz.
-Call people out. I'm not overly mad at my friends anymore who have hurt my feelings because I know who my real friends are- I think my mum cares more than I do, but I still think I need to say some things otherwise I'll just drunkenly talk about things when truly it could be solved by a conversation.
-Take more disposables and journal more. Katie sent me a diary thing that I still need to fill out and I'd like to take a photo a day. Appreciate lifes beauty am I right!
-Learn Spanish, write more and knit more. These are just gap year aims to be honest.
- Read more. I read a shitty (but also lovely) teen novel the other day which has set me up to read again. I'm currently reading The Great Gatsby and next plan to read Macbeth (with the aid of Katie lol this seems like a big love letter to her)
-Wear a nice outfit at least twice a week. Too often all I do is stay in skinny jeans and a baggy jumper but I want to change this. Another thing is that I always wear tops with sleeves because I don't like my arms but I've worn sleevless things a few times on nights out lately and, shockingly, the world didn't stop.
-Gym more. I love going to the gym when I can be bothered, it always makes me feel good and my legs are getting so strong, I'm just inconsistent with the gym. I am always torn between fuck it I'm young I'll stay out and drink and also fuck it I live a very unhealthy lifestyle I should go to the gym to counterbalance all the drinking I do
-Get another tattoo, I know what I want and I've wanted it for a very long time so very exciting
-Wear my retainer more, whiten my teeth, moisturise, exfoliate. I want to be a goddess by the end of 2018.
-Post more, by that I mean once a week. That has been an aim of mine for a while but one day the aim will become a reality
-Get a part time job and volunteer somewhere (this should be easily done I hope and getting a part time job really is a gateway to a lot of my other plans)(I hope)

I think that is me done for this post. Here's to 2018 am I right lads!