feeling safe

13 February 2019

I have one friend, who has always been able to make me feel safe. It wasn’t on purpose, I don’t seek them out when I’m uncomfortable or look for them if there’s a physical threat, but for some reason the knowledge of their presence can almost always make me feel calm. We used to stay out in London late and explore unfamiliar places and looking back on those times I realise that we didn’t take as much precaution as we probably should have, but the friendship was intoxicating enough to mask any possible hazards - immersing our brains in feelings of safety. I wouldn’t really say me and this person are friends anymore, yet every time I see them when we’re out, I can’t help but feel safe. It’s strange how we associate a feeling with a person, how somebody who I haven’t been friends with in such a long time can still provide such a pure and intense form of comfort.

When I was younger, safety was more a practical thing than a feeling. I never realised that the safety and security I felt was more often due to the presence of my parents than being in an actual ‘safe’ environment. As I’ve gotten older, and the relationship with my parents has changed, the thought/ presence of them no longer provides me with the comfort blanket that it once did. I know though, that they would protect me with their lives.

 I don’t understand why someone who is hardly involved in my life anymore can still make me feel safe. I’m not complaining though, just curious whether anyone else has that. I know the vulnerabilities of this person but those traits of their personality doesn’t touch that unwavering sense of safety, yet as I’ve gotten older I’m sure it’s the cracks in my parents facade of invincibility that has lessened the feeling of safety that I associate with them. Maybe it’s an innate feeling though, maybe we’ve evolved to find less safety in our parents as we age because bodies become weaker with age. I do still feel safe from my parents though, but a more practical safety. A safety that can be described and seen whereas this other safety is nothing but a feeling.

sweet moments

1 February 2019

I don't really know what I mean by 'sweet moments' because I don't mean sweet in the usual way, but sweet as in those times your head finds a brief moment of tranquility, or when there's a moment of catharsis that leaves you feeling tired but whole again. Those times which could be mistaken as happiness, but it's not happiness. By sweet times I mean times where you're able to realise things will be okay, a happiness with a hint of sadness. This post was meant to be my happiest of times, but I think sweet times are better because these memories just fill me with a warmth despite some not being overly happy.

need to get some winter pics, ones from summer are making me very much miss it 

- for some reason, the memory that is in the forefront of my mind right now is the time I was driving back from the gym in winter last year and I was sweaty and exhausted from my workout and my windows were down and I was just belting out Sam Smith after having gone through a break up. I don't know why this memory seems so poignant, and I remember feeling so sad, but so fresh after my breakup and my throat was raw from how awfully and loudly that I was singing, but it was a sweet moment. I think that was my first moment of realising break ups aren't all that bad.

- sitting in a field in soho drinking cheap cider with two of my friends feeling warm and cool just before going to a Jamie Isaac gig. We weren't speaking, just listening to music whilst slowly smoking cigarettes and just feeling the sun but we were all worried about how things would change once everyone returned from university, and slightly scared of the surrounding antics, but it was warm and we were wearing sunglasses and time was moving slowly- at the pace we wanted it to go.

- watching 'The Undateables' in bed all day with my ex, both knowing that the fling was going to end again soon but just relaxing in that moment, feeling warm and safe and wanted despite that awful awareness that it was only a momentary bliss. We both knew that there was going to have to be an ending soon, but it was nice and we learnt to just accept the complicated.

- strolling around Paris late at night and just talking forever about all my woes with katie.

- sharing olives with my nephew after work after he had dinner, because he's a kid and kids don't care how much of anything they've eaten and get excited for food and aren't afraid of any way they may be perceived.

- sitting in my car after new years eve with my friends, chatting about the strange events of the night, chatting about the people we hadn't seen in ages, chatting about what may go wrong in 2019. We were all a little sad thinking back of 2018, some of the friendships that didn't make it through to 2019 but we were with each other, just like we were at the end of 2018, and at the end of 2017.

- having a cigarette in the rain up north and realising the boy I was seeing was not the one for me, which is always a sad realisation but we had had a good time, it didn't last long enough for there to be any arguments or anything. It wasn't meant to be, but it was nice.

- realising short hair really doesn't suit me, but accepting the ugliness and not giving a hoot about it because it makes washing hair a hell of a lot easier.

- drinking a mocha after an infuriating day of house hunting, feeling bummed out at the lack of houses and the lack of agreements but happiness in the fact I had people to live with and knowing that the house hunting was coming to a close.

Sweet sweet moments with many more to come I hope.
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