turning 20 soon, but still hate baths + lasagna

18 April 2019

warning: all blogposts for the forseeable future will include reference to my age, because I am turning 20. Twenty! The big 2-0! The step into adulthood! The losing of my teenage years! You are not 19 forever! 20!! I will be turning twenty! (please hold all birthday cards and birthday presents for 26/04/2019 as that is the official date of the big day - don't feel surprised if anything strange happens that day ~ aka a giant rainbow, getting all green traffic lights, waking up with clear skin ~ it's just that the world revolves around me and everyone will be alerted of my birthday in some way  xoxo)

I don’t like baths. I’ve never really liked baths, the idea is nice and soothing but in my reality, baths never are soothing. It usually takes me about 15 minutes to actually get into a bath. I do the thing where you swirl the water with your hand, decide it's ready, get naked, pop a toe in, decide it needs to be about 75 degrees cooler so pop on the cold water and carry on swirling whilst still being naked with the constant concern of the environment and someone walking in on my mind. I end up splashing half the water out the bath in attempts to get comfortable before deciding to just sit in the middle in a state of distress. I notice things about my body, I see the steam rising off my body and curse myself for being such a fucking idiot for having a bath. I get hot, I get sweaty, I try to clean off the sweat but I can't tell anymore if the dampness I feel is from the water or the sweat. I sit there, I try to read, I can't read because I'm naked and vulnerable and uncomfortable, I try to clean myself again but baths never make me feel clean. It's just not a fun process for me.

I had a bath earlier, and I hated it. I can't remember the last time I had a bath before earlier, but I'm pretty sure it was exactly like that.

It’s strange because I’ve changed so much, yet I still don’t like baths, absolutely hate lasagna, I still reach for my blankey every night and occasionally have the familiar nightmare of being sent to boarding school that is run by giant ants that chase me. Turning twenty feels like a big deal, it’s a step into adulthood. Whenever someone behaves petty I use the ‘we’re almost twenty stop being so childish’ argument but I’ve also realised that turning twenty doesn’t actually mean anything. There is no age that defines adulthood, despite being twenty sounding good in an argument against immaturity, that’s the extent its grandeur. Sure, I’ve changed but being twenty is just a thing isn’t it. I’m still going to ask my mum for an advent calendar at Christmas, but I’ll be an adult. 

I have never really enjoyed my birthdays since entering the double digits. As I've gotten older birthdays have more been a reflection of the things I didn't achieve. For years I had this twisted mentality where my birthday would come about and all I would see is the weight I didn't lose, the friends I had lost and all those bitter things. Now my thoughts are less cynical, I see my body and my face and just unhappily accept that it is what I am, but I'm finding it easier to see a future. My past got me to university, it got me to great friends, it got me to be a new person, it got me to be a girl (NOT!! A WOMAN!!) who will happily dance on tables and speak in seminars. My future seems more hopeful, there isn't much direction but I'm studying a subject I love, I know I want to volunteer, I know I want to travel again. I find it difficult to enjoy my birthday because I don't really want to celebrate another year of failures, but with me and my friends constantly moving towards adulthood - away from bouncy castles and twister and Costco cakes and an unfiltered sense of self, I want to celebrate my birthday by momentarily going back to naivety. The loss of innocence isn't as melancholic as novels make it out to be, it brings about necessary intelligence, but it's hard not to see it as a desolate thing when your birthday is approaching and your mind is full of things you haven't done.

I am celebrating my birthday with pancakes, twister, many shots, many gin and tonics, cluedo, a bonfire, you name it- I most probably want it. I may not be overly happy with where I am now, but I'm proud of myself for making it to here. It feels silly to have another year of not celebrating my birthday and spending the day in a state of distress and upset. A birthday celebration doesn't have to be a celebration of your life, I think I'm going to use it as what is to come in my life. I'm feeling empowered, I'm not feeling ready for twenty but fuck it, at least it's not thirty. 

the ability to love

3 April 2019

Self-love, familial love, platonic love, unconditional love, obsessions, crushes, broken-hearts, love of books, love of music. Once I heard a lyric that said there's too much love to go around these days, and I disagreed. I think there is so much hatred and fear in the world that the concept of an abundance of love can only be limited to fiction. Maybe I misinterpreted the lyric, but now I understand that within one person love can take many forms. I have definitely been in love with someone before, I have met someone since where I thought I could have fallen in love with them if there were different circumstances. People say when you're younger, love is consuming and violent and full of energy but no one ever really says how love changes as you get older. I've seen old couples say love changes in marriage, love becomes a dependency and a loyalty rather than attraction and lust, but that is love in marriage. I don't know what love becomes when you get older if it's not passionate and encompassing, no one ever really talks about that. There is no denying that as you get older, the love you give is different to the love you gave when you were younger.

not a relevant photo at all, just always need a photo. this was me making green thai curry at uni for first time. didn't go well. 

I am no expert. I am single and confused and wanting so many things, but after many a pensive showers I've realised that being able to love isn't actually that easy. In life there are so many instances that make you wary of being in love, I've had bad friendships, big changes in perspective towards people yet we're all able to love and continue to love even after bad things happen.

I think I am able to love now because I'm better at seeing the faults in my personality and am working on changing them. Although, if someone else found a fault in my personality I'm not sure how well I would take it if I didn't think it was a fault, but I'll cross that bridge when it happens.

I'm able to love because I am able to respect myself. I know some of my quirks shouldn't be tolerated, but some should. I know now that a relationship can't all be about giving, that conversations can be had about respect, about affection and giving but some things should be natural. I respect myself enough now to not stand for a one-sided relationship. (not a dig at my past relationship, I had this realisation after countless shags that led me in a state of a disappointment - it's 2019 and everybody knows about female anatomy, don't accept disappointment from hanky-panky. Spread this respect to your life, you deserve to have your hobbies, your thoughts and opinions appreciated. Respect yourself, respect your wants and it will make relationships easier and once relationships become easier, to love becomes easier).

A lot of my ability to love comes from other peoples treatment towards me, and how I reacted to that treatment. It came from learning what to respect, what to enjoy, what to steer clear from. I think for me, the key to being able to love came from many heartbreaks. It came from losing best friends and a boyfriend, it came from me breaking other peoples hearts (slight exaggeration, a complicated scenario). I'm scared to be in love again because I'm scared of experiencing another break up, but then at moments like this where I realise how much I have learnt from having a broken heart I realise that fear isn't entirely justified.

Everyone deserves love and what not, but love is so strange. It can take on so many forms. It changes so much, but undeniably things change the way we love. I think I have been too harsh before, too expecting of the wrong things and not expecting enough of the right things. Love comes with vulnerability which is absolutely terrifying, but everybody is capable of it.

weird post, did not go as I expected but :) for everybody who reads, thank u I love u!
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