thoughts about life and optimism

21 March 2019

I was listening to a podcast earlier (Getting Curious with Jonathan Van Ness ft Jameela Jamill) and in the podcast they were saying that innately we are born as optimists, and that as humans we are built to love. It is only as we get older that we are taught shame, that we are taught to hide our feelings rather than verbally confess our hunger, our anger or our sadness.  It's sad and strange to think of it in that way, that negativity is taught even though that is a truth of life.

bad quality but got no pictures, waitin for my bday so can fulfil my dreams of having a film camera 

The thing that stuck out a lot to me though is that fact we are innately optimists. I always thought I was a pessimist through and through, but I guess my pessimism is the way I have adapted to deal with things. It is easier to expect the worst in situations to eradicate the threat of disappointment. I used to get annoyed at myself for being an 'innately pessimistic' person, but it was all me! I was the only cause of negativity in those situations!! So you're hearing it here first, I am going to do what I can to uncover this optimism that I buried for the sake of making life easier, because life is not meant to be easy and there is no point in thinking bitterly in attempts to create a sense of ease.

I was thinking about how different things would be if we were taught to embrace optimism, rather than seeing those who do as dreamers, as blessed people who live in a false understanding of reality. (they don't have a false sense of reality, they just have hope! and gratefulness! and we are silly for being mean to people who are fuelled by hopes rather than negativity!) . Imagine how much more people would like themselves if we were taught optimism, how much more confidence we would have towards our work, how much hope we would all have for the future. To be fair, bitterness and self depreciation are the foundations of all my humour, but there is still space for optimism.

I don't know, just in that moment as I was tidying my uni room listening to the podcast, and hearing that humans are innately optimistic I just felt so silly for spending so many years being passive towards my negative thoughts. For just accepting them as a part of my life rather than challenging them. 2018 marked the big beginning of me transitioning from being a sad lil bitch to a bad big bitch and I hope that in 2019 I can learn and adapt to be more positive in my approach to things, rather than continue to think that I am destined to be a pessimist. None of us are! (side note- not saying positive thinking is going to cure everyones mental health, but it is always good to challenge the bad and think about some things with a hopefulness because at the end of the day, we are alive and we can't change that).

first crush

11 March 2019

Isn't it insane how a song can transport you back in time, how no matter where you are, hearing one particular song can lead you to this refuge of youth within your brain that you forgot existed? There's a song from a film I saw when I was around 15, and on the rare occasion that song pops up on my shuffle I'm just taken back to a me that existed so long ago. It was a me who was confused and sad and hated school, yet after years of being the weird quiet girl I had made some friends. I was out with a group of friends and my crush, a crush we all knew existed yet only spoke about it in whispers as we waited for someone to make the first move. When I hear the song I just get sent back to that moment of us walking from town to the cinema, all of us spread far apart so it was just me and my crush walking together in the protection of the expanded group. It was warm and it was summer and I was excited and nervous- I hadn't had my first kiss yet and the practicalities of two people with braces kissing deeply concerned me. I was worried if we kissed we'd get stuck together and then everyone would find out about me and this person. When I hear the song I remember the way I walked, with my arms moving about more than usual in the hopes that our hands would touch and I could feel that buzz of heat and electricity again. I just remember feeling so excited, I was still young though- sex wasn't on my mind and I didn't know what dating truly was. All I knew was I had a crush that was reciprocated and that every time my skin grazed theirs I felt innocent bursts of euphoria. When I hear the song I remember how it felt when we had finally got the cinema and I was constantly moving so that my knee could brush theirs. When they finally grabbed my hand and drew patterns with their thumb against my palm I felt happiness burst inside me that momentarily hid all the sadness of the time.

Typing it out makes it feel like this one song reminds me of a lifetime, yet when I hear it there is just a fleeting sensation of youth and summer and a reminder of a crush so intense I thought it was going to drive me insane. I remember the happiness and excitement that encompassed my summer before a tough year. It just is weird how this song genuinely sends me back in time, sometimes so fast that it's as though it disturbs the now peaceful butterflies in my stomach. I don't speak to this person anymore, but every now and then we like each others photos on instagram and a few years ago I apologised for the way I ended things- it was young and stupid to them but they made an impact on my life. Now when I hear this song I can focus on the good, the naivety, the excitement- I can feel the summer that was tainted in my memory for so many years.

Peace out !
--ps, fun fact about the photo, taken back in the day, was going through my memory stick trying to see if I had any photos from that day, it was a long arduous process, I gave up and settled on this. How cool and edgy I used to be!

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