To Florence

29 May 2019

Something that is hard to do, but more common than I realised, is get over a still birth. You create all these memories for them. Christmas was going to be hectic because there would be two babies there (although River is growing up shockingly fast), at family gatherings River and Florence would be the only kids and would wreak havoc, Florence would have been absolutely spoilt when it came to toys - having Rivers old ones, all of my cousins friends kids (what a mouthful) old toys, and as the first baby girl in the family would have been the ultimate fashionista. We had already created the path for so many memories. It is strange as well because you have never met this person, they are a baby forever yet you've felt them kick in their mothers stomach and have heard stories of them rolling about, keeping their mum up at all hours of the night. Their life never left the womb, yet you've felt their existence and with all the imaginations of their future they do have a life. Just not a life you get to live with them. It is hard to mourn this little baby as an outsider, I don't know how my cousin copes.

It's a weird thing to mourn as well, because she was a person, but she wasn't, but she'll never be forgotten but I don't even know who this 'she' was, but I do because I know her parents and I know she would have been a kind, smart, athletic, funny kid with a huge heart. I think, mourning a baby requires a reliance on your foresight, you have to trust how you knew this little person even without officially meeting them.

To forever remember Florence, as an ode to my cousin and her partners bravery throughout this all we've got a blue butterfly for Florence.

In October me and some family members are running a half marathon  and raising money for Child Bereavement UK. Any donations would be much appreciated! Don't worry if you have no money now, not running it for a long time so I can wait for a donation xoxox

what made me love

22 May 2019

I can't remember where I read this post before, but this idea is stolen from somebody and I can't remember who and I apologise if it's you and please tell me so I can give credit, for credit is definitely due here. I also highly recommend writing a post like this to everyone, it made me feel worthwhile and appreciative - two rare yet wonderful feelings!

what made me love...

Little Miss Sunshine is my all time favourite film. It's the first film I can remember watching that combined the happy and the sad. It's about a family on the brink of a breakdown, each member suffering through their own thing. It made me fall in love with films because it's the first film I watched that had a complexity to it, as well as having some gorgeous shots. Every time I watch it, I feel something, it acknowledges the brutality of growing up, of believing in something too much, in giving up, the desire for innocence- it is just an incredible film and sparked my passion for film and the intricacies and significance in them.
-The Royal Tenebaums is a similar film to Little Miss Sunshine, very enjoyable, very poignant, very beautiful (classic Wes Anderson).

foreign films
I am not an expert in foreign films, but I do love them. European films, I have found, not only have great aesthetics, but are so explicit, verging on scandalous but in a way that I love- I don't know how to describe, but there is often an intensity and a bravery in them. 10/10 would recommend. The film that first sparked my interest in foreign film is The Way He Looks, which is whimsical and beautiful and sad - it has that transcendence of summer vibe which I realised is a common feature of things I enjoy.
-Also have to shout out Shoplifters here, which gave me a new appreciation of foreign film

reading (and the different genres)
I have always been a fond reader, but the first book I remember being obsessed with was Looking For JJ. Maybe it's because I was too young to read it, so it added an excitement, or maybe it was the first book that I read that wasn't about fairies and mystical lands.

coming of age + old time literature 
I read Little Women was I really young, and had no understanding of what was going on. I have read it countless times since, it lead me to read Pride and Prejudice, Wuthering Heights- it sparked in me a love for Victorian literature and coming of age novels.
- I am dedicating more to what started my love for coming of age novels, because they make you think, make you appreciate life and understand more (depending on what is read) but I just love them. Submarine was one coming of age novel I remember reading that lead me to furiously search the genre. Such books have lead me to appreciate a new kind of coming age as well, where the protagonist is not a teenager but where there is search/ an exploration of who they were and who they are now.
- shoutout to 'Diary of An Oxygen Thief' a book I recently read and thoroughly enjoyed, and 'Call Me By Your Name', a novel I will forever admire.

My Dad Wrote A Porno was the first podcast I listened to. I remember listening to it after a hormonal teary break down after giving up with tidying my room, feeling utterly defeated by the complexity of putting on a duvet cover- I'm pretty sure we all know that feeling of utter frustration and anger (periods suck am I right!) and I popped on the podcast and I swear to god, it cured my period blues. Now I love listening to Modern Love and Getting Curious with Jonathan Van Ness. Podcast recommendations are always appreciated by the way!
- shoutout to this Modern Love episode I listened to the other day, made me chuckle

The Wombats are the first band I can remember ever properly loving. My sister used to make CDs when we went on holiday so we wouldn't have to spend ages scrolling through the radio, and she put Kill The Director on one CD and I would spend every car ride asking for my parents to play that song. I remember that holday as well discovering Mr Brightside, and I was swimming in the pool and had a revelation that they made a sexual reference in the song (I was very young at the time) and I felt so smug.
- shoutout to this song by Twin Peaks, so calm and soothing and lovely to listen on a night walk home. Also shout out to this song by Methyl Ethyl, it makes me feel empowered and important when walking through busy train stations.
-shoutout to ME! Follow my chill 2019 playlist for glorious, calming background tunes xoxo

adult friendships
This make it sound like I mean sexual relations, but I just wanted to distinguish from childhood friendships because for me those were fun and easy. Taking a gap year, whereby there is no pressure to maintain friendships made me realise how lucky I am to have the friends I do and since beginning university I continually feel blessed at being surrounded by such great people. I love walking back from the pub and huddling together to create the illusion of warmth, I love receiving texts asking if anyone needs to go to Aldi, I love seeing the blurred outline of my friends on facetime, I love it when I haven't seen my friends in a while and the first thing they say to me is 'bitch let me tell you', I love the friends who give tough love, who motivate me to be better, I love my blogging friends because I am forever proud of them and this pride also motivates me (selfish lol), I love my friend Lauren who has a play that's going to be in the fricking Edinburgh fringe fest, how fucking! sick! is! that!!!!!
-adult friendships can be difficult, but also very rewarding because we've reached a point in our life where we know what sort of friends we need, and what sort of friends we need tobe (even if we aren't quite that friend yet, we're getting there).
-also prefer adult friendships because less bitchyness

peace out! do the list yourself to feel warm and fuzzy and appreciative x

why is talking about dreams + aspirations so difficult?

8 May 2019

'Don't want to know what I would be when I wake up from a Dreamers sleep' (-Twenty One Pilots lol)

Telling people you go to University is merely a segway in conversation to the grand question of what you plan on doing with you future. It is a horrible question, yet when you try to deflect it adults don't seem to understand why. I always say I don't know, because I don't really know, all I know is what I want my future to involve. Some people answer the question confidently though, but it is a hard question to answer with confidence because it is a peek into your dreams and aspirations. Vocalising such things adds a reality to them, which in turn makes the prospect of failure more prominent as if you never achieve the dream it means someone knows you failed.

It is silly though to be so secretive about aspirations, because adding a reality to them also adds a pressure to be proactive in achieving your hopes. It is just hard though isn't it, because not only does the threat of failure creep in, because if the dream remains in your head you will forever be in control of it- your imaginations ensure the dreams success, it allows your dreams to be only met with pride and support from everybody else. But, you should let people know your aspirations because such fears are silly. You never know what can come from speaking about what you want your future to hold, who you may come into contact with or just in general what support you will receive. It is scary though to tell people, in case you get met with 'oh I can't imagine you doing that'.

I think, moral of the story is, pursue your dreams and don't ask people what they want to do with their future/ what they plan on doing with their degree unless they initiate that conversation.

For the record, one of my dreams is to have a piece of writing published. I'm going to start small and go for the University newspaper (that nobody reads) and then maybe one day something will get published for the University alternative magazine, but the ultimate part of this dream is to have something published somewhere that is not linked to my university.

Just one of many dreams.

Another one of my dreams is for Pringles to fucking reply to my emails about making Pringles gluten free. I would appreciate if you will join me on this quest and drop them an email just asking them to make them gluten free.

Peace out xoxox

Learnt Some More, Still Have More to Learn

1 May 2019

Around this time last year I wrote a post about things I had learnt and things I still had yet to learn. In the beginning I freak out about the fact I will be 19 soon, and now here I am at 20 years old, freaking out marginally less about my age. A lot has changed since last year, I have felt a big dip in my creativity for reasons beyond my control and reading that post- seeing all the ideas I had and remembering the mindset I was in when I wrote it feels so alien to me. There is a numbness in my life at the moment, a resilience created by a medication that is just too much hassle to change. I put off writing this post because it made me sad seeing how much support I used to get on posts, how many ideas I used to come up with- age is meant to increase success rather than decrease it. That's not the way life has worked for me though, and things I cared about have taken a back seat. I'm not who I wanted to be at twenty years old. However, I will never be the self I have idealised. I may be disappointed at times, but other times I am sitting on steps with my friends smoking cigarettes and eating mini eggs to calm down from revision stress, or I am waking up late feeling fully rested. I am not wise, I have not reached an elevated status within the last year (not that I expected to) but I have lived another year and will continue to do so, therefore I may as well reflect on last years post/ create a new one so that I have something to look back on at 21 and think 'thank fucking god I had figured that out' (my reaction when I saw my point about Moroccan hummus xoxo)

disclaimer! if u ever want to buy me kettle chips don't be fooled by this pic, the blue flavour are my fave my friends just have no tastebuds 

things I have learnt...
-leaving things to soak is a great alternative to washing up properly
-there's no point in trying to change some peoples opinions of you
-people want to help you but you also have to help yourself
-sitting on a fresh bedding in clean clothes when you're just out the shower, bare foot with your legs crossed and the sunlight streaming in is a wonderfully peaceful feeling
-not all boys will be understanding when you say no to sex, but not all boys will behave like dicks either- never do anything you don't want to, the conversation isn't as awkward as you think it may be (and even if it is awkward it's your body, it's your choice)
-it is common knowledge that amount of teeth human adults have
-spots aren't limited to your teenage years
-the pain of a breakup doesn't last forever, and they aren't actually that awful a thing after a while, because you will grow as a person, as a partner and as a friend and that is a valuable experience that everyone has to go through
-even at home now that I am an old biddy I can't rely on my mum to buy me tampons
-boys who are hesitant about wearing condoms tend to be assholes
-how to appropriately leave a hook up without curtseying
-hoop earrings will always improve your appearance
-some people will find you strange, your constant singing bizarre and will look at you with wide eyes and nod their head slowly like you are a zoo animal. Abandon such people immediately because singing to yourself / singing rather than speaking isn't actually that weird and some people just have to grow up and smell the roses that singing is more fun than speaking. ( i put a full stop at the end of this one to highlight how strongly I feel about this)
-you will never stop feeling guilty for calling in sick to work even if they do ruin your self esteem
-gaining weight isn't bad because it makes your tits bigger
-gaining weight is just a natural part of life, if it were a bad thing it wouldn't happen
-hugging your friends and telling them you love them is always appreciated, even if they do react in disgust to your sentimentality
-good peanut butter is very expensive

things I am still yet to learn

-whether it actually is socially acceptable to have butter and peanut butter or whether thats all a myth those sick freaks who do it have been telling me
-how to stand up for myself
-how to stop being a crybaby
-where I can buy calypo shots from
-how to not worry about saying no to plans and feel comfortable in my friendships
-how to ask for the gluten free menu at a restaurant rather than getting my friend to ask for me because I have a deep fear of seeming greedy/ too annoying at restaurants
-how to flirt
-how to be honest about my feelings rather than coming up with elaborate lies on why i can't go out
-how to accept my relationship with certain people rather than let questions constantly penetrate the happy surface
-how to not be addicted to smoking
-how to communicate my annoyances rather than ending up in a brooding state of hatred for someone
-how to feel satisfied of where I am at.

Another year, more things learnt and more things I have become unsure of. I don't actually mind the fact I'm not a teenager anymore though. Although reading my old post made me feel a bit strange and a bit sad, I am filled with comfort that I was able to learn some of the things I didn't know before.

Last year I tried to follow the quote that we need to understand less and accept more. I still try to keep hold of this ideology, and have no new quote by my side for my twentieth year because I think I'm just going to try and be a little more optimistic. (quotes are welcome though and always appreciated, I actually feel a bit sad now that I don't have a quote for this year, please send me some)

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