conflicting things

30 May 2018

Life lately has been strange, I feel like I've been working non stop when that isn't the case? I have so many things I want to do, but never seem to have the motivation in me to do them leaving me feeling unsatisfied a lot of the time. I can't help but feel like I am wasting my days, and by the time this realisation comes about I have work the next day and then I'm left with a battle between experiencing the amazing things London has to offer and getting enough rest so I don't get moody at work. It is a ridiculous battle, one that leaves me feeling exhausted nonetheless, but it's stupid as I should be able to go out the night before work. I should be experiencing things more. I feel like my life has come to an unattractive halt, barricades have been put up and although they just need a gentle push I am unable to break them down.

I am on medication that makes me tired, an insufferable tiredness, but I don't want to give up the medication as I am on it for a reason. I can't tell if the tiredness is stemming from the medication though, or coming from my brain, or an actual fault in my body. It's all a bit confusing really. I want to be the healthy girl who does yoga, who drinks enough water but to be completely honest I can't touch my toes and my body is constantly flooded by caffeine (as an attempt to not be so tired? because I enjoy drinking coffee? take your pick, I'm not sure the answer). I feel frustrated that I am not experiencing things, I feel that I haven't done enough but the only thing working against me completing anything is myself. I am lost in visions of the near future that are filled purely with work, even though I know that isn't the case and I have so many fun days to come.

I want the gap year to go on further, I want to save up and explore more places. I want more time to venture into London and experience the amazing things it has to offer (it's hard to do that though as I need a guide but how does someone find a guide to show them all the hidden nooks and crannies). I want to go to university as well though, I want more friends, I want to learn. I feel education validates my existence but then what will I do when I don't do that well? I want to move out from home and be free, I want to dance into the early hours of the morning and live a life of laughter but I also want to go to bed early and find fun in sobriety.

It's all a bit conflicting really. Peace!


  1. I totally get this and how you're feeling! I have a four month break from uni and I feel like I have all the time in the world to explore places and do cool things but most of the time I just sit around so unmotivated. I dunno maybe its just the age we're currently at where things are changing and its hard to know what to do? A strange one!

    Lucy | Forever September

  2. YAS i feel this so much. Idk, I do think this is such a weird part in our lives like the gap has almost come to an end (and what a rollercoaster its been) but the next step is coming but isnt here yet. So we are just sort of floating. Recently I have been forcing myself to do things, forcing myself to make a cake or begin sewing or do my flute practice or go for a run because, even though they are the last things I wanna do, I always feel better for doing it. So maybe try that??? ALSO i completely feel your conflicting attitudes towards moving out nd having loads of fun and meeting new people and being getting drunk on shit wine but also wanting to just sleep and remain a child forever. Idk man, weird times. Ihope you find peace soon but if you don't, live amongst the chaos!! I guess thats all life really is... (also come and visit me for some summer fun if u feel your summer is not fun enough lol woo)

  3. I feel ya Libby! I suppose you've just go to do these things but I know how hard it can be to make yourself, I have been the queen of procrastination these past few months! I challenge you to do something new everyday and I'll try do the same, go for a walk or read an article, lets try push ourselves to do something or learn something we've never done before!! I feel ya about education, just got to try and make the most of the time left!!x

    Lucy Jane | Infinity of Fashion

  4. omg the struggle between wanting to be the vegan yoga girl who's always sober n being a fun but also messy kinda drunk is the REAL hahaha! I've also have no motivation to do things even tho theres so much i wanna do. i guess im kind of scared in a way? like im thinking of like future plans n afraid it wont turn out the way i want/expect it to be n then ill just feel like a failure. take time for urself!! but also push urself to some things!! mayb lil things to start w baby steps. but always put urself first n never feel bad if its bc ur too tired. some days we just deserve to sit around n do nothing

  5. aww that last paragraph about all your wants - I feel that so much! it's hard being torn in many different directions. I so remember feeling that way on my gap year, and being aware of so many different opportunities and directions my life could go in, and feeling stunted and unable to be sure of which path to take. It can be a bit stifling. Sucks that you've been tired, too. I hope you feel better soon, and remember that whatever choices you make will be the right ones for you <3 there's plenty of time to do all the things you've mentioned! I'm sure you'll go well studying if you do give it a go. All the best, hun :)

  6. The last part is so true!! I was regretting not taking a gap year but have u ever considered going on exchange. I feel like you will get a similar experience, being able to go to a new country, live alone while doing uni! Either way I hope you feel better soon <3

  7. Wow just found your blog and I love it! I totally have this feeling at the moment. I'm hoping that over summer I become more motivated than I currently am at this moment. I'm sure you'll feel better soon! x


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