quarantine overthinking : how to heal a fractured friendship.

7 April 2020

what to do when your bestfriend(s) hurt you in a way you never thought they would:

- talk to them about it
- stand up for yourself
- don't feel bad about leaving the friendship for a while
- speak to friends outside of the situation for a non-bias opinion
- speak your truth and be up front with your questions
- accept things will not be the same for a while, or maybe ever
- remember that despite other best friends who have hurt you, not all of them will
- allow yourself time to figure out how you feel, try not to enter/ begin a conversation guns blazin on a thought rampage .

what NOT to do when you bestfriend(s) hurt you in a way you never thought they would:

- don't feel ashamed about making them feel bad by acknowledging the hurt they have caused
- don't be petty and tell everybody you know
- don't be petty and make rash descions
- don't be mean, if you feel the need to be mean then reconsider why you're actually hurt
- don't let it affect your ability to trust
- don't hold on to the friendship if you don't think it is something you will be able to get over
- but also, don't end the friendship based off one mistake no matter how much it hurts you.

(side note- there is a big emphasis on best friend here. friends hurt you, friends lie to you and it can hurt. but with a best friend the hurt is different, the friendship has more love and trust in it than a normal one, so it requires more decorum than a typical friendship spat.)

lisboa with my fave - a reminder why it is wonderful to trust n love people without fear !

I strongly believe that losing a friendship is worse than losing a romantic relationship. When a romantic relationship ends, there are other types of relationships that can continue which allow you to remain in each others lives. In fact, without there being romantic love you can realise a friendship is the ideal relationship between the two of you. A friendship is different though, as there is no satisfying downgrade from a friendship, there is not a factor that can be removed to provide a comfortable, alterior form of relationship.

Bestfriends are special, they provide a different form of care and love than any other relationship can. They're the creation of a family that you think you can forever put your trust in. They're an escape from all the other obligatory relationships you may hold. Not calling a romantic relationship obligatory, more a case of there are some things you can’t discuss straight away with a partner, but a best friend you always can. I know people argue their partner is their bestfriend, but there is something different with a bestfriend. You can speak to them about your partner and have an outside voice tell you that you are being unreasonable, they will never have any reason to appease you but just give you 100% truth. I don't know, I just think in a romantic relationship there is some barrier, perhaps an underlying knowledge that they can break your heart, a drilled in voice that one day they can just fall out of love with you; but for some reason that barrier does not exist with a best friend. Which, in turn, makes it all the more of a shit show when a bestfriend does do something that hurts you more than you thought possible.

I’ve been thinking that maybe it is so hard to get over a bestfriend issue because it is a narrative that is rarely spoken about; tv shows and books often make reference to the heartache caused by a romantic breakup, the betrayal felt through such an experience is one we are taught to expect at least once in our lives, yet the splitting up from a best friend is not as often spoken about. We haven’t been taught to expect a nasty end to a friendship with someone we once thought of as a sister, in fact we are taught that best friends are forever. Also perhaps because with a best friend there are no limitations to what you talk about, it is just brutal honesty and to lose such trust is bound to affect you. It is also easier to go through a romantic breakup as they dominate the media. They are the basis of storylines for TV shows and films, somebody goes through a breakup and we get a glimpse of what heartbreak is. We’re taught to expect betrayal from a romantic relationship, to expect an end and are taught various coping mechanisms through books and film. Yet the splitting up from a best friend is not often spoken about, and when it is spoken about the resolution is as simple as cutting them out of your life, but it isn’t that simple. Cutting people out not only forces the rest of your friendgroup to suffer, but also forces you to suffer. There is no easy way to get through the betrayal felt by best friends though, or when you realise a lot of your favourite memories had been built upon lies despite you giving them all your trust. Also, we’re just not really taught to expect a best friend to fuck you over- or if they do it is done in a way that everybody is aware of the hurt that has been caused, rather than an unknown balance of whether things are okay or not.

It has been a solid few months of distancing myself from the friends that dicked me over. In those months I stood up for myself and spoke my truth and I did what I needed to do to move on, but it felt difficult as the majority of advice I was getting was to cut them out of my life. Things are fine now. It is difficult to think about past memories that were once filled with warmth and laughter, as now they are tainted with the fact I was being lied to and being treated with complete disregard. It is even more difficult now to think about the upcoming times we will spend together, as I grapple with desperatley wanting to forgive yet am plagued by resurfacing images and memories that make complete forgiveness not seem possible just yet. The bright side is, I can imagine the friendships reforming, they will not being entirely the same but nonetheless they will exist. The jokes of being poor together and sharing our money to split a singular drink, of moulding our mishapen lives into a tangled mess of adventures will never hold the same authenticity that they once did. However, I am able to forgive because I know the apologies are genuine and I do not want to experience the chaos and fluctuations of my twenties without these two pals by my side.

peace out!


  1. This is so beautifully vulnerable and open and i rlly love it. I completely agree about losing friendships, you also have an awkward grey area like the cut off point is so much less defined than a relationship, and so often you have so many other people attached that make distancing it so hard. I'm so pleased u could learn some lessons, despite the hardship. Boy do I miss that spot and that sunset, would do a lot to be there in the wind with a bottle of wine right now, love u xxx

    1. i would sell both my hands to be able to be back in beautiful lisboa


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