mental health tips for the oldies and newbies at uni

 -It is okay to not feel comfortable confiding in people who are meant to be your best friends. It doesn't diminish the significance of the friendship,  it just indicates a growth within yourself as you recognise a conversation with that particular friend won't provide you with the catharsis you desire.     

(Everybody reacts to an emotional outburst differently; some people are pragmatic, some let you vent, some tell you to sort yourself out. The responses can be frustrating, you just got to remember that not everybody experiences things in the same way as you! Your behaviours may seem absurd and lack all logical reason to them, making you seem impossible to console, but no need to get upset or frustrated about this. Some friends will let you cry, others will talk it all out. It can take time to figure out which friends can provide the comfort most suited to you, but don't make the difficulty of the search discourage you from talking about your emotions. Even if friends offend/ annoy you in the process of comforting, it isn't due to a lack of care just a difference between the two of you.)

- In saying this, do not become too reliant on friends. Friends will be there for you, but it can be frustrating to constantly provide support for someone when really what they need is a good ol' load of CBT. The NHS get a lot of stick for their mental health services, which is fair because it can be shit, but it can also be great. it may not even be great, but it can provide a place for a structured exploration of your emotions. Look into what NHS services are available early on in your university experience, before things get too tough. I would suggest looking now to be perfectly honest, it can take a long time to be given your first appointment, but you can't always simply rely on yourself- mental health isn't as simple as that.

-Look into your schools pastoral services! They are there for a reason! It was only in second year I started to take advantage of my schools pastoral services, and although it doesnt provide a replacement for counselling, when immediate help is needed, they can give you a comforting ear and some wise words. It's easy to get overwhelmed by uni life, but there is no need for your burdens to be veiwed through a lens of invinisibility and often the pastoral team can help you realise this! You are never alone in the stress you feel, it is well known that unviersity is a difficult place to be and there are many support services you aren't even aware of. Have a look into this before term starts. 

(at unviersity of leeds there are talks, group sessions and so many things about how to plan your time, how to deal with stress, anger, desoluteness. it is easy to disregard group sessions, but they are clearly doing something right as they have been going on for a long time it always better to have some sort of outlet than to suffer in silence) 

-Don't feel bad about  taking a step back from a friendship - just don't do it without an honet converstion about why you need to step back 

- Grades don't define you! Learn from a bad grade, read the feedback. Have a cry and then move on. use the bad grades to motivate you. It can be ahrd, especially if youre used to being a star pupil and getting the top grades, but unviersity just isnt like that. also if you do a humanities subject, one tutors mark of a 2:2 could be anothers low first. it is hard, but it is what it is. just learn from low grades, find a common theme in feedback and work on it. but jsut rememebr as well, grades don't define you. if you get a bad grade, let yourself cry then go and see your friends (once I got a bad grade, cried in the toilets for two hours and was going to spend the rest of the evening being a sad loser girl, but instead my friends forced me to go to filmsoc, I watched Booksmart with my pals and had a wonderful evening! friends can help you out of rutts in the most simple of ways) 

- e x e r c i s e! can not recommend enough. walk and explore your new city, go on runs, workout from home. don't get bogged down in uni work and living a social life. you may not get that serotonin boost that exercise seems to promise, but eventually it will at least help you feel better about yourself. 

- drinking can make you sad! respect your bodys reaction to alcohol and don't feel bad for making this a reason as to why you say no. if i drink more than twice a week I feel awful, i get riddled with anxiety that cripples me and fills with self doubt. at uni drinking culture is such a big thing. don't feel bad about saying no to drinking though, find other ways to hang out with friends. watch films with them when they are hungover, go on walks before they start drinking, spend time with them outside of drinking so that you don't feel left out and so that you can remain in a good headspace. then when you do drink, hopefully the repurcussions wont be as crippling. 

university is difficult for those with and without mental halth issues, but the whole culture of university is very anxiety inducing; having to make friends, the focus of your future, drinking, late nights, lack of sleep. just take care of yourself, be proactive and know that more often than not somebody will be able to relate to how youre feeling and provide you with a comforting presence.

strange and intriguing books

You ever read those books that are just so amazingly written, but the whole time you read there is a purposeful sense of distance and obscurity - like the narrative indulges in the actions and thought of the characters yet there's still an anonymity?? They're just strange books, and not particualry enjoyable to read yet they are compelling and weird and often feature a commentary on something that is rarely spoken about, which I think is where some of the lack of enjoyment comes from. Or in some it comes from a disjointedness within the text. Either way, I've really been vibing with those sort of books lately, they're interesting because they are paradoxical; they cause discomfort yet its difficult to beat the compulsion to read them. 

The Vegetarian - Han Kang

This novel is about a woman named Yeong-hye who after a nightmare turns vegetarian. Continuous images of meat haunt her and prompt her to will a transformation and adapt to a fully plant-like existence. It is set in south korea, where societal norms are (implied within the novel) to often be adhered to; Yeong-hyes desicion to turn vegetarian goes against this norm. It affects her familial relationships, creating scandal, abuse and an emergence of trauma. Its a three part novel, each part dips into different perspective of those affected by Yeong-hyes descion of turning vegetarian.

Can we discuss how intriguing a synopsis of this text is! When I first read about it on good reads I thought it sounded absurd and ridiculous but I had to buy the book because how the fuck could turning vegetarian inspire an entire novel to be written?

This novel is cool because you go inside yeong-hyes mind, and of her families minds yet never get a feeling of complete understanding, the writing is explorative yet remains mystifying. It's also super interesting to be presented with a depiction of mental illness from a different culture that doesn't seek to villanise mental illness or the struggle of those who have to experience the mental breakdown of a loved one. Also you get a non-explicit portrayal of how accepting societal norms as rules for life are damaging - I find a lot of the time in texts it is always so obvious, yet it is multifaceted in this text, but I can not say more without giving a lot away. It's also super interesting because of the differing perspectives on the attempts of disengaging body and soul.

ps - if you google this after, a lot of reviews talk about turning vegetarian which made me think this was a whack book just about difficulties people face when turning vegetarian. Ignore such reviews, your own dietry choices don't impact a reading in the slightest, nor will this novel change your desicions. It is a wonderful, interesting book exploring mental health, the effects of a simple life and effects of secrecy- don't let the title or reviews misguide you. 


The Oxygen Thief 

I found this book absolutely wild to read- not because there was a lot of goings on, but because I was disgusted yet compelled by the audacious narrator, the acknowledgement of his behaviour yet the continuation of it. I can't lie, I read it a while ago, wrote a banging review, lost the review and now can't fully remember what was in the review, however I shall try to do the book justice. I think half the intrigue of this novel comes from the anonymous writer because it just creates a new dimension to the text, a definitive distinction between fiction and autobiography can't be drawn. Plus, the whole text is just really human and raw, it is not droused in beautiful description but is factual, the limit on depth given to those who appear in the text and everything else continue to create a difficulty in understanding the reason of the anonymity of the author. Also, despite the lack of beauty in the writing, the explanation behind the title just was so real and something recognisable in life but it isn't something you want to be able to recognise. The text is just fucking uncomfortable, at times funny and at times horrible which builds into the realism and reflection of life in its account of the treatment of by people by others

A lot of reviews call it an awful book, but it depends in what way you read it. If you read this book with the expectations of a normal novel that follows a plot and contains well developed characters, you will be dissapointed. It's more psychological than that and there isn't a sense of progression, its mainly an indulgence in misery and contains reflection on the manipulation of women for the sake of personal satisfaction.

disclaimer - this book made me uncomfortable in many ways. but that's what made it get on the list, it was so uncomfortable to read and at times made me so angry, never once happy, yet I could not stop reading despite the awareness and intimdation it caused. 

The Body Artist - Don DeLillo 
I had to read this book for my degree, but oh my fucking god- I think it may be one of the coolest, most well crafted books I have ever read. It's the sort of novel that always leaves you with questions, as everything that happens feels so distant from reality. It is about a womans grieving period after the news of her husbands suicide. It is not a heavy book though in that sense; it does not dote on the suicide but instead how time and reality can separate during periods of grief. It is about the construction of identity and is just a really fucking strange but good book. Also, the novellist writes in a way that so much can go amiss, but if you read with a critical eye you may see why I think Don DeLillo is one of the most intelligent writers in the 21st century.

I feel a bit too passionate about this novel to give it a good review. All I will say is, read it if you want to busy your brain up a bit. It wouldn't be a fun book to read for pleasure.

i have a quick few questions before I go, if anyone can help me out it would be much appreciated

-how can i add a star rating system thing on posts? i wanted to rate these novels out of five stars but couldn't figure out an HTML code that would let me do that. 

That actually is it, my one and only question. peace!

northern adventures

long time no post! Despite the stillness of lockdown, life has felt busy. Days were initially filled with writing essays and long walks, then once deadlines were met I moved back up to Leeds where fun and adventures with housemates were rife. Then on the long awaited 4th July, I was informed my place of work would open again and days since have been filled with being an excellent barista and fleeting days off which are used to satisfy my constant cravings for aperol spritz. Writing did not feel right for a long time for a plethora of reasons, but after having a wonderful day in York with Katie I remembered how many great things I have experienced because of this blog and to abandon it for a reason as lame as 'a prolonged writing slump' is ridiculous.

apologies for the poor quality, I used an odd photo editing online site. just trust me when I say I have never so deeply enjoyed the magnifigence of nature as I did during some of these hikes. 

things I've been up to:
- I read an incredible book called Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. It is about a woman who immigrates to the US from Nigeria and I could not insist you read it enough.
-I also read a really cool book called The Vegetarian by Han King. It follows a family in South Korea whose lives become upturned when one of the members decides to become a vegetarian. Cool read, but also an uncomfortable read
-I saw Katie in York and we had delicious tapas as a poor replication of the holiday in Spain we were supposed to have
- I went to Manchester and solidified a friendship, making it no longer simply be a 'uni friendship' but (hopefully) a forever friendship
- I have enjoyed going to work. Last year I had to quit a job I was content with my managers suddenly became quite cruel and moved on to do some agency work instead, however the male managers were, quite frankly, disgusting. So to not only enjoy my new job but to love the people I work with is a very special thing and I am so grateful we were able to open back up after lockdown.
-I went to a waterfall and paddled in the water on one of the hottest days of the summer
-I went swimming alongside some ducks in a lake
- Said farewell to my home of second year, ending a great year with bevs and a boogie (making the actual move out day incredibly horrendous)
-I played Irish Snap in the sun
-I learnt a new drinking game
-I watched some very good films. BlackKklansman is now on netflix, as is Da 5 Bloods; both I highly recommend.
-I spent many rainy afternoons emboridering whilst my housemate did a puzzle with podcasts on in the background
-Hikes in the yorkshire dales
-Lazy days in the park, using sips of hooch and smirnoff ice to cure persistent hangovers
-Decided on a rough direction for my dissertation, crazy!!
-Moved into a new university home and christened it with a seemingly continuous game of Ring of Fire in attempts to get to know our new housemate better
-Watched Animal Kingdom on Amazon Prime - an excellent TV show
-Had a delightful morning wtih coffee and croissants
-Made some great meals (I'm talking pad thai, I'm talking chickpea pancakes, I'm talking the most excellent low fodmap vegan mash potato, I'm talking sweet and sour tofu)

So yes. Days have flickered between slow and busy and I wish I could find my film camera so that I could share with you all some of the hazy photographed memories I had captured, but alas, I am a mess. Although the uncertainity of covid-19 is still there, I find that the days have a little more hope in them and am ready to begin some work for third year. It feels beyond mad that I am going to be a final year university student already. Things are not going as planned, but it is not all bad.

the big 2-1! learnings and questionings

(things about to get soppy)

It is pretty fucking cool to be turning 21 and to not feel dread about having existed another whole year. For as long as I can remember, I have not looked forward to birthdays. The celebration of a life I was struggling to hold on to by surrounding myself with people who loved me never provided a brilliant birthday spirit. This year, for the first year in a very long while, the only thing that sparked a sadness about my birthday was the fact I could not celebrate it how I wanted to; because for the first year in years there was actually a way I wanted to celebrate my birthday. A lot of things have changed, and I have learnt how to better cope with many things. It is not all smooth though and many things I wish I could get over I am not sure is possible, but it is a great relief that despite still being unable to imagine myself in the future, it is no longer caused by dread of experiencing it.

So here is to me for:
- turning twenty-one when I never thought I would
- overcoming a lot of things I thought would stick with me forever
- being an absolute legend

apologies if u also follow my insta n have seen this photo twice. 

In usual tradition, I have learnt a lot in the past year. Some things I will say I have not fully completed in learning, but I am getting there and that is achievement enough. I also have things I am still unsure of, and I'm sure as my twenties progress and I am exposed to life beyond that of university and the familiarity of education that the list will only grow. For now though, despite the chaos of the world and that awful sensation that uncertainty creates and the general global bleakness and fear for loved ones lives,,,,, despite all of that negativity I am proud of myself for making it to my 21st birthday and for the acceptance I felt in the build up to it. :) soppy but true! :)

things I have learnt
-green giant sweetcorn tastes the same as frozen sweetcorn
-vegan hellmans mayo tastes like actual mayo, but veganaisse mayo is the best vegan mayo
-to stop thinking of boys as kind for doing decent things
-hanging out in bed with no trousers on is far better than hanging out in bed with comfy trousers on
-hanging out anywhere with no trousers on is far better than hanging out with trousers on
-american tv shows and films lied, it's not actually that easy or realistic for your professor to fall in love with you
-nothing is more attractive than intelligence
-don't trust people who change their actions around their friend when their partner is round - either have an openly flirtatious friendship that has no susbtance to the innapropriate flirts or fucking reel in that behaviour
-that cleaning your glasses with your tshirt isn't actually a myth, you just have to get a good grip on your glasses for it to work
-if the oil in a frying pan catches fire you shouldn't put it out with water
-two pints of water and a couple of painkillers before bed is the best hangover preventative. don't trust other gross preventatives, especially not drinking pickle juice
-there is no need to provide justification for every action
-you can't be passive in trying to fix your mental health
-the confidence to make a separate bowl of popcorn that is just salty rather than sucking up and having a sweet and salty mix
-not to say 'pardon' during sexy times. As long as your partner seems to be havin a good time, there is no need to ask for repetition, especially not in the form of 'pardon'
-how to combat feelings of anxiety and unease surrounding eating in front of new people
-everything tastes a lil better with hot sauce
-to buy juice for the morning after a heavy night
-too many late nights results in a very emotional me that will cry over everything
-how to stand up for myself!!

things I am yet to learn
- how complicated can your twenties actually be?
- how are friendships different in adulthood?
- what you are meant to say when you mishear something in sex
- how to abandon expectations I have for my twenties and just see what happens
- to view my twenties as indivudal days rather than attempting to fathom the next nine years of my life with a brain that has hardly touched a world outside of education
- to make shorter to do lists so that I can experience a sense of accomplishment
- how to not behave like a five year old when talking about sex
- how to not let ironic sayings become a part of my natural vocabulary. (since when do I say dope? why do I call everyone bro? will I ever be able to stop saying dank?)
- how to be open with people who crave and deserve my vulnerability the most
- to be a better texter (sorry to everyone who has ever had to experience my inability to text reliably. I luv you I am just forgetful and quick to get distracted or overwhlemed. also sorry to people who gets brain ramblings that have not been filtered yet)
- how to not be such a wet wipe
- how to always stand up for myself

peace out! hope everyone is safe and well and powering through these ridiculous times. seeing as I am the birthday girl ; I order you to have a beverage or some form of treat and congratulate yourself for survivng lockdown so far x

Quarintine Vibing

Lockdown is strange and there are moments where the craziness of this whole situation is overwhelming and impossible to comprehend. I have never had a great threshhold for the uncertain, but I am coming to terms with the unpredictability of current times and despite constantly complaining about my uni work load, I am so fucking grateful I have it to keep me busy. Here's some glimpses of my lock down:

cheers 2 coffee , cheers 2 nice mugs 

nice things:

Every morning my Dad makes enough coffee for us both and he always seems to get the coffee to water ratio just right

I smell absolutely delightful thanks to my mum buying good soap

playing bananagrams with my family - my dads dyslexia and ability to create definitions for words he is sure to exist is a frequent source of entertainment

'dad you didn't win, hays isn't a word'
'of course it is.'
'use it in a sentence'
'how much hay do you need? around 20 hays.' (upon googling this it turns out hays is a word in country dancing. but he did not mean it in that context and therefore the word did not count)

recieving photos of my nephew and baby cousin- it is nice to have reminders of unfiltered joy and blissful innocence when everything is so fucking bleak. to see a happiness that is pure is always a blessing, but in these times the unguarded smiles of kids is something beyond special and it is nice knowing that although these times are tough there is still joy admist the anxiety and gloom that seems to have encompassed the world

I am speaking to my friends more than usual

Having a g&t over facetime is more enjoyable than I thought it would be

not wearing a bra and having no regrets because I am not moving enough to feel the discomfort of free tits

my dad has bought an air fryer, and with it he has been making some super tasty chips

I am finding it oddly comforting having an actual cause to blame for my low moods/ anxiety during these times. There is something reassuring about having an actual thing to hold liable for difficult moods, rather than having to decipher every thought and every thing that has happened in attempt to find a reason for a sudden dip in mood.

There is so much time to read for lesiure

The goodnights at the end of a videocall

I find it nice being tagged in things, or sent things online, even normally it feels nice to have been thought about, but when friendships are being strained so greatly through distance it is nice that something ridiculous will still make people think of you

I fucked up one of my eyebrows in the process of shaping it, so at least by the time quarintine is over and I will be seen in the light of day by other poeple, my eyebrow won't be anywhere near as atrocious as it currently is

some nice, some not so nice thoughts:

It will have been a year since I last saw Katie the next time I see her, and although we have only been on holiday twice together it feels like a break of tradition by not going this year. However, instead I will go on holiday to Newcastle and meet her new dog and we can enjoy the British sun together and enjoy the fact we are finally free. I think just the happiness of freedom will be enough to override any feelings of longing for european adventure (in saying that - if it is not sunny and warm and if I am not able to go swimming in natural water I will be a little bit pissed)

I am so lucky to love my University and the people I have met as much as I do. It is sad that second year has been void of so much learning though due to strikes and covid-19. I love learning, I love my course yet the such a lack of teaching makes memories of second year be clouded with dissapointment. I have been robbed of the one experience I was gaurnteed at university- there are so many literary theories and discussions about texts I have not been able to have. yes there is virtual learning, but to sit in a seminar and discuss texts and see the people I think of as friends, even though they are merely people I see once a week in seminars and occasionally in a lecture is something I loved and I am sad to have had such few experiences of that this past term.

The fact I have to begin thinking about my dissertation is absolute wank. I have been denied so many opportunities of learning due to the strikes (and covid-19 just tops it all off but ways are being figured out around that, so the anger about that lack of learning is just aimed at the universe rather than the man at the top of the UOL hierarchy) that to beging thinking about a thing which will define my future so greatly just feels absurd. There has been too little learning time to guide any relevant thought on what I could write 10,000 words about. Perhaps I am just being a big baby (and I am very relieved I am not in final year please don't view this as ungrateful) but to write 10,000 words about a topic from a subject I loved never created feelings of horror within me, yet now the simple thought of my dissertation makes me freak! the! fuck! out!!.
- also I'm interested by so many aspects of literature that I haven't be able to study due to having such little freedom when choosing modules, which is a shame. I have an idea of what I may do it on, but everything just feels so limited.

There is too much time to think and worry about the future and have old memories resurface that fill me with doubt

Productivity is a difficult concept to accept and appreciate during quarantine.

exciting things:

I'm going to bleach my hair, dye it, wax my legs and come out of this looking groovy as fuck

One day soon I will be back in Leeds and I will be standing on the chairs in my kitchen with my pals, and we will be singing our hearts out with a glass of wine in hand and the night will progress into something completley unncessary- but those are the best sorts of nights

I will be able to watch films with other people, and will have hair to play with that is not my own and will be able to judge faces in person to see if they're enjoying the film, rather than have to try and decipher a heavily pixelated image of their face

soon my essays will be less overwhelming, and when that time comes I will find a good work/ leisure balance

my hayfever is at its peak during march/ april, so when freedom comes I will be able to sit in parks comfortably and not be tormented by pollen

'fuck it, should we just get shots and get pissed' will sound a million times sweeter than it usually does

browsing in bookshops will also be a million times sweeter

I won't be told off for swearing

soon come, I will be able to see my friends and when I do I am going to hug each one of them for two hours and tell them how much I love them and will probably shed a tear

summer will be here and I will feel the sun on my face as I dance outside barefoot on grass, with a tinnie in one hand and a cigarette in the other, good music will be playing and when I grab my friends hands I will feel the warmth from the sun on their skin and it will be even better than all the times I have imagined it during lock down. festivals may not happen, but to groove outside with sunglasses on surrounded by amazin pals is all I am wishing for right now and that time will be here. and when it is there will be a sadness that is impossible to shift due to the tragedy this disease has created, but hope will be ripe and I'll be with the people that I love, and have missed so dearly.