Verging On Pyjamas

Hey guys, sorry for the lateness in this post. I've been so exhausted lately, and it's hard to write with a sluggish brain- shocking, I know. The past week was a fun week. One of my friends came down from university and we went to the pub, then I went to see Kinky Boots the next day, then I went to see my friend in Coventry. A week full of friends! Also by the way I'm obsessed with Kinky Boots- I just love musicals! They get me so pumped up and this one was just full of so many bops. If you ever get the chance I definitely recommend that you go. It's annoying because I'm just so desperate to go to all these shows and all these countries and I'm just so determined to fill my life with so many wonderful distractions but money is holding me back.

I've been trying to be more of an ethical shopper lately, although I keep throwing myself pity parties and buying clothes. One of the clothes being this new fake leather jacket. Makes me feel so hardcore when I wear it, like I never knew how empowering a piece of clothing could be. I didn't even set out to buy a leather jacker but here I am! Being a bad bitch in a leather jacket.The other week when I was in Brick Lane I got these tartan trousers, which I am obsessed with. The only thing is I can rarely be bothered to wear makeup, but it's quite important to put a lot of effort in when wearing these so I don't look like I'm in my pyjamas. Honestly though these are my go to trousers, I wear them out clubbing, chilling you name it- I'm in them. It's a bit annoying because I like to wear them with a belt, but the trousers don't actually have any belt loops but it works. Also annoying because they're a tiny bit too small- like when I'm pulling them up I need to do a little wriggle, but they're definitely worth it.

I feel a bit conflicted about my gap year at the moment, as I feel like I'm not going to have the chance to go travel with my friend and do Camp America, but doing Camp America has always been my dream, but the time me and my friend can travel doesn't work well with Camp America. It's not that they overlap, but job wise and gap year aim wise they don't mesh well. I just wish there was something I could do for a two months in America during January, but there's not. I'd like to have the summer at home. The more I think about things the more stressed I get, but I know everything will work out and I have loads of time to create new experiences and that I can't squeeze everything into this gap year. Although I know it, it's hard to truly believe it.

A Rambling Post

I have so many saved blog posts ideas but none are complete and for some reason the past few weeks I have found it so hard to write. I think I need to get the rambles out of me so that I can write something worthwhile. I also keep missing daylight- I leave for work whilst it's still dark and when I come home it's dark all over again. This is a strange feeling as the only moments of light I experience are when I go outside briefly during my lunch break, as I don't have much reason to leave the area of my office.

The past few weeks have been weird, but I blame the strangeness for last weekend on the fact me and my boyfriend broke up. I wanted to write a blog post about how to get over a breakup, but it would be like me trying to teach someone how to ride a horse. Fuck knows. But to be fair, I am getting there. I'm also struggling with the amount of hours I work, as it doesn't leave much free time for me to actually go about my gap year ambitions. I have been writing more, though not creatively. I think any form of writing is good though as it's good to capture emotions in the moment so that if I'm ever writing I can use snippets of these wanderings from my mind which are honest and raw.

I think in some way I have made some progress for my gap year as writing is getting somewhere and me and my friend are planning on travelling. Whether it happens or not is another story, but it's a nice thought. I want to do Camp America but time is slipping away- I need to get a note from my doctors but I have had no spare time. My days off are filled with me going to visit friends at university which is really lovely to be fair. I just really love my friends and seeing them in an environment which is only going to better them makes me happy. Funnily enough though it doesn't make me jealous seeing my friends there. University is weird to me as I want to go but part of me doesn't. I'm not sure if it's the fact I'm probably not doing the most worthwhile degree, nor am I overly good at English. I'm placing it purely on the fact I enjoy reading books and articles about books and that when I understand novels better I may be able to write one myself. Then I'm clouded by self doubt though and the fact that loads of people have this dream and what makes me any better than them? Not much. In fact- very little as I never write creatively. I'm a babbler, not a story teller.

My head is filled with so many things I want to do but something is always stopping me. Very minor things may I add as right now I'm too frustrated at the fact I have a messy room to do anything productive. I might write a list and write in my notebook, I bought a notebook to help document things- not act as a diary though. I find typing my thoughts more fun than writing because when I'm writing I begin to scribble and it becomes incoherent and my hand begins to ache. When I type though, my fingers can keep up with my thoughts, meaning nothing will ever go unsaid.

My plan for this week are to pick up my disposable pictures, get some photos printed, find either a Spanish or writing course. This reminds me someone commented on my blog who I never replied to. I usually do reply, I think it's just because I've been a lazy mess lately. But not for much longer. I think the first step to get over this is to tidy my room. Adios amigos!

Bring On The Baggy

I keep wearing baggy trousers lately and I can't tell if I'm loving it or hating it. I like to wear belts to force a waist and none of my baggy trousers have belt loops. I also like to wear baggy t-shirts to hide my belly but baggy and baggy isn't always a look. I can't remember how I used to do outfit posts anymore haha. These trousers are so old but hardly ever worn- I was trying to sell them on Depop but now they've creeped back into my regular wardrobe because they're just so comfy. Also lately I've become such a fan of these cute lacey bralettes- they just make outfits look so much better! I need to buy more as I only really have one that I like and it's too small so the majority of the time I'm wearing it, one of my boobs is just hanging loose.

trouser- UO (old)  |  socks- Primark (such fun socks I don't know why anyone ever wears plain ones!)  | top-ASOS
unethical outfit I know but the trousers I got like back in year 10 and the top is a staple so I don't feel that guilty.  Also I trust ASOS. These photos are such bad quality I need a good camera but I spent all my money allowance for this month 

I feel like this weekend I've been productive than I've been for a while but at the same time I didn't do much. I went shopping both days, but bought a shit ton of stationary to help me feel organised- although I couldn't find the type of thing I was looking for so I tried to revamp a notebook I bought which I kind of regret but oh well. I also got my legs waxed and washed my hair and just done some things to make me less of a gross human being- not that having hairy legs makes you gross, it just made me feel unclean. I then bought makeup and clothes and now just feel exhausted. Although I feel happy as well because I've managed to cross one thing off my 'get done before 2018' list which is clear out my drawers.

I cleared out the vast majority of my A-level stuff and oh boy was it a ride. It's weird because that's like two years of the hardest work I've ever had to do just gone. I kept some stuff as a'just in case' but I don't know what the 'just in case' is for. It was weird though just getting rid of it and because I feel like my final grades aren't a true reflection of me and the amount of work I put in it just made it so much harder. But oh well- it is in the recycling now ready to become so more paper- or whatever happens to recycled paper!

I also feel optimistic that I'm going to begin one of my gap year goals of becoming an embroidery master as I keep watching tutorials for all these different types of stitching. Eventually I'll become so jealous of the tutorials that I'll finally begin. I also think I'm going to look for a Spanish Course after posting this. I lied to someone the other day saying I had begun a Spanish thing and now I have to live up to the lie to redeem myself. I'm not really sure why I lied about it. But I did. Also I bought letter writing stuff lately (Katie inspired me) so if you want to become my friend and write letters to me I'm down. If you want to become my Spanish friend and write Spanish letters to me I'm equally as down.

To Fill In A Gap Year: The Aim

I was in a rut, I'm still in a rut. My life doesn't consist of much as the moment- not in a pity party way, I just haven't been getting much done. I really wanted to get more blogging done, yet here I am two weeks into October. I think it's because I've lost a lot of creativity lately and spend most of my time in my pyjamas lazing about- but I'm trying to get out of this routine. I've decided to make a mini series for my gap year where every month I'll talk about some progress I've made into some of the things I wanted to begin/continue in my gap year. Some months may be dead months- but I think this will help me stay focused and not give in to my mental blanket. 

This post will consist of the things I want to get done. I can't talk about anything I've got done- because frankly, it's not much. Some of the things on this list will seem very easy and they're purely going on this list due to how long they've been on my 'get shit done' list. 

Here we go pals:

-Run a 10km, 10 mile and a half marathon

-Read all the books I've been meaning to

-Get strong; I'm talking biceps

-Learn some Spanish

-Learn how to write better (blogging and novelling)

-Join a writing/book club

-Get back into drawing

-Get back into painting

-Get back into sewing

-Get into embroidery (this has actually already begun and so far not going well)

-Travel (not majorly- I wanted to do ICS but think I'd like a friend to do that with but I am hoping for Camp America)

- Earn money

-Go to events

-Get hooks for my room. Also clean out my drawers. Also maybe just sort out my room in general

-Get UCAS done

-Bullet journal

All these things are accessible, it just depends on how I'm feeling and lately not very motivated is the answer.  Maybe I should document my gap year better. This will be easy to do when I have a tidy room and clean drawers- I still have some stuff from GCSE's. I'm a major hoarder but this must end!

Anyway- sorry lads for the lack of great content, but hopefully this post is the beginning of something great! And by that I mean after I've posted this I'm going to clean out my drawers. Please leave in the comments good places to by diaries/planners etc. I need something to give me the illusion of progression!

Losing Friends Is Inevitable

I was scrap booking earlier- I wasn't meant to be I actually have quite a bit of work to get done- but in the process of sorting out my photos I've realised that I've lost a lot of friends. It's weird though, because I couldn't care less. Obviously I hope they're still doing well but I think that once you get older and you don't have school to force a friendship anymore, it's so much easier to cut ties with people whose friendship didn't make you happy and that it is a perfectly okay thing to do.

this is just a random photo of me and my main bitches in Berlin because I don't have any other photos to use 

After my GCSE's I switched schools, the majority of my friends stayed at my old school and only two of them I'm still in touch with today, and the conversation is sparse. I don't really regret losing any of those friends though which is weird because I used to be so dependent on those friends. Then when starting college I made friends and now my friends are at university it's helped me figure out who my true friends are. Not in a bitchy way- there are people I'm lowkey friends with, but I definitely have lost friends but got more solid ones, that's for another post though because this is going to be a moaning post.

The thing about some people is they make it so obvious their priorities don't lie with you- and during college I would be so desperate to keep these friendships because I would always be with the same people, but now there is no pressure to be friends with people who make it obvious I'm not their number one priority. Don't get me wrong- I know the whole world doesn't revolve around me, but what I mean is the type of friends who say 'maybe' to plans because they're waiting to see if anything better will come up. People could at least lie- honesty is the best policy but it's just rude to hit someone with a maybe unless there is a genuine reason. Another thing that's on a similar wavelength
is when people I'm friends with have complained to me that they have no friends which raised the question: what the hell am I? But some people- they have friends but they just aren't friends with who they want to be friends with, which is rude to the friends they have. It's cool to be upset about losing friends, but it just bugs me when people say they have no friends when that's not the case. And there is always a reason for friendships ending- when people make out that the end came as a shock it makes me shocked because a friendship wouldn't end over nothing!

another random photo of me and my friends living it up in the pub (big up my pal in the back with her fishbowl cocktail)

Another thing that I noticed is how true some teen movies are- so and so gets a boyfriend and it's goodbye friends! They come back when they have a fight and are upset with their boyfriend, but aren't there for anything else. I'm happy if my friends have boyfriends, but not when I'm blown off all the time- or even worse when people say their boyfriend is busy that night so 'yeah I can see you'. I think it's important though to call people out for this, because some people don't realise they're ditching their friends and being called out they'll realise their mistakes. It's only if after they get called out and they still continue to ditch you it's time to reevaluate the friendship. It's just, as I've gotten older I've realised school was the only thing gluing me and some friends together as we were incapable of maintaining it outside of school. Maybe due to a boyfriend or maybe just the general lack of effort. My advice to you guys is don't try to cling onto a friendship where no effort is put in on the other end because it's boring and annoying and also so frustrating to constantly be made to feel inferior to other friends.

I won't lie- I'm one of those people that wants to be liked by everyone, however I'm getting over that now as I discover people I don't like. I would never go out my way to be spiteful and if there's anyone I don't like I won't act on the dislike because it's so easy to be nice I don't see why people go out their way to be nasty. I feel like this post makes me look like a bitch. But reflecting over my school life I've realised how acceptable it is to just say no to a friendship if it isn't a good one. Obviously don't like boycott them and stuff, but letting a friendship die is sometimes necessary. 

Side note: all these people in these photos are still my friends (imagine how awkward if they weren't) and I love them very much!