why has uni made you fat?

Hello! It is me! Back again with a less pessimistic blogpost than my old one, trying my best to blog this year- so far so good. I also wanted to try to eat healthier this year and not look as disgusting at university and so far, although it has only been a mere five days I have stuck to these agendas. (update its been two weeks since writing this, I have turned pretty slobby but not ridiculously so) .I think it is easier to eat healthy because its just me and my best friend in the flat and we're both on the same 'lets not eat our body weight in curly fries' this semester vibe.

Although technically we weren't eating our body weight in curly fries. I know I was eating more junk food than usual, but I was hungover more than usual in first semester and I find unhealthy carby foods help a hangover.

I was also drinking a lot last semester and staying out late to familiarise myself with new the environment as well as in an effort to make friends. (Now I've found my favourite nights out, discovered new music I'm into and made some incredible friends).

I also drank a lot of coffee, enough chai lattes to fund every single cinnamon business that exists. I had to though, as there is only so many Americanos you can drink in a day and grabbing a coffee is the perfect way to bond with new people.

I also stayed long hours in university trying out new societies and after I'd grab drinks with the people I met which often resulted in a last minute, not overly nutritious meal.

I gained some weight in my first semester at university, which is always a sensitive subject and like most people in the world I have had my fair share of body/ eating issues in the past. I have generally overcome them though, and each day that goes by I find myself forgetting the calories in a cereal bar, and how long I'd have to run for to burn off slice of toast. Or not even forgetting, but not caring because I'm at university and need food in order to actually do well.

Food and drink is a way of bonding, and I embraced it in first semester. I didn't in the most healthy of ways, but I've made my mistakes in first semester and am being healthier this semester along with more trips to the gym. It was always my plan to sort myself out in second semester, but when I went back to work the first thing my manager said to me (before a hello or how is university) was 'why has university made you so fat?'. The day can be summarised by my workmates discussing my new weight gain, I would go round the corner and hear them talking about the size of my legs, how my face has got fat and so on. The three weeks were fat jokes on end, at my expense, but not from all the colleagues.

It was hard to hear and hard to ignore, but I still ate quality streets that customers gave to me and I still indulged in Christmas which used to be a very hard time of year for me.

It's strange how they thought it was acceptable to discuss my new body like that, one of them being a girl and the other having a baby daughter you'd think they'd be more aware of how fucked up this world is at the moment, and how delicate subjects surrounding weight are. This post doesn't have the message of  'don't comment on peoples weight!!!!!' because none of us would at all. Nor is it looking for sympathy because I have had time to digest the insults and realise that they meant it in an observational way albeit not a nice way, and it was something I'm aware of. But, if I've gained weight by having a good time, and am still relatively healthy then what is the point in giving a fuck about it?

embrace the clichés

Shockingly enough, a goal of mine for 2019 was to get back into the flow of blogging. When I first began blogging, my new year goals would usually be associated with posting more regularly, or just posting more in general. My priorities haven’t changed, just my level of motivation has and the amount of time and energy I seem to have in a day has greatly reduced. It’s insane how 24 hours just isn’t enough time in a day, but it should be, but it feels as though time has sped up as I’ve got older. If only life could have a pause button, or a break button or a button to press to make everything slow down.

prettier dayz

Being home for Christmas has felt strange but going back to university feels even stranger. I felt settled but not entirely settled and now the dust is swirling again and the thought of going back provides me with anything but comfort. Sometimes I look at my life and all I can see is a self that young me would be so ashamed of but that young self was also filled with so much naivety of what horrors the world held. Now I’m older and I don’t think is fair to look at my life through a lens of childhood happiness and innocence, but I want to be a self that any versions of me would respect and feel proud of. I don’t though. I guess it’s okay though because at the end of the day I’m not a drug addict, I’m at university and sure I fucked up this semester, but I have learnt for next semester, I’m not entirely unfit, I’ve managed to make friends, I don’t spend my days in bed. It’s too easy to look at mistakes. I often forget that sometimes you just have to embrace the clichés and find solace in the fact that you have to crack a few eggs to make an omelette.

This isn’t where the post was meant to go. I’m currently babysitting my nephew and I keep thinking back to this time last year, how sad and heartbroken I was and how my nephew was my key source of joy. I won’t be there for his second birthday this year, but I have friends who fill me with joy and a mended heart this year, so I have no reason to be surrounded by kids and to have their silly words fill me with laughter. I may not love who I am now but fuck me am I glad I’m not the same person I was this time last year.

What a strange post. It’s not really reflective, nor informative. Peace out, will bring better things next week I think I just needed to vent. Peace!

no focus

Since going to university everything feels like it has shifted out of focus. I'm not sure why or how or how to be able to grasp some form of understanding, but it's frustrating.

throwback 

University is a bubble. I know the walk to university, I know the short cut to Sainsbury's, I know my favourite milk in Morrisons isn't kept with the other vegan milks. I know who is knocking on my door by the rhythm that they knock, I know I can pop next door whenever I want, I go to sign language classes on Wednesday. My life has a routine, but it doesn't. I'm not really sure why I'm here, I'm not sure if I'm doing first year 'right', I can't understand why I'm unable to write in my diary anymore, let alone a blog post. I think my blog used to give me a sense of purpose, despite it being a minuscule purpose it felt like it contributed to my life. Writing used to give me more importance than it does now, albeit it was a psychological importance, I've lost it now and I've adopted the cliche mentality of 'what is going on and what is the fucking meaning'. I'm not unhappy though, I love the people here, I love the fact I get to go to university, I love the fact the pub is pretty much always a motive and that technically the whole world is at my fingertips with all the things on offer in my student union, but something just isn't right.

On most of my nights out, in my peak state of drunk, I get an overwhelming sense of panic of where my home actually is, where my home will be, what my life will be. Will I ever live in a house with a study of my own where I will go to after reading a bedtime story to my kids? Will I be fortunate enough to do my weekly shop in Marks and Spencer's? Will I ever even have kids? Am I going to be shot saving the person I love who yet could never have and have my final words be 'I will always love you'? The last one probably not, but still. There is something not right. People don't find a purpose in university, but I thought it would spark something. I thought going to university would spark a courage in me to pursue more things, but perhaps the spark hasn't happened yet because it's winter and the sky is too full of cold to allow for any fire.

I feel lost and confused, but not unhappy. I'm not ready to leave this bubble for Christmas but I have a feeling I'll leave this bubble only to slip into another bubble, a bubble of going to work, doing work and waiting to go back to university. Growing up is very strange. I don't know if I'd like to be given some hint of my future, a hint towards what's to come or whether I'm enjoying navigating this strangeness. Enjoy may be too strong a word.

lovelovelovelovelove

Long time no see. University is fucking hectic.

In my spare moments, I've been reading 'Beautiful Boy' a memoir by David Sheff about his sons addiction to meth and I think next I'll read 'Tweak' the sons, Nic Sheff, memoir. It's a really interesting read, it's devastating at the same time though. Every time I read it, it makes me feel a heavy sorrow. I've never experienced any form of addiction in my life, from myself or anyone else in it, but bloody hell. Addiction seems awful, and it's so complicated, and reading the memoir is terrifying for the future. I'm worried someone I love will become an addict to something, I'm worried for families who go through this yet I feel a selfish glee at the fact it's not happening to me.

It's got me thinking though about this intense love of a parent for their child. I love my nephew more than anything, and I can't imagine a love stronger than this. But there is. I feel like the love for a child must be so fulfilling, but so difficult. I wonder if a parent ever wishes they could love their child less, when their child is putting themselves through a self created hell and the parent has no control; if they just wish they could love a little less. I see the fierce protection of my sister of my nephew and this need to protect never fades away I don't think, but parents have to let it go slowly. It must be horrible for a parent to experience adolescence. Watching that little, innocent person experience a world of smoking, drinking, relationships, promiscuity, sadness. All these pains and intoxications, that they've been through themselves, they just want to shield their children from. But they can't. I feel like it's a returned thing though. Sometimes you wish your parents could love you a little less, wish that they could take a step back. The more I imagine parenthood the more I think I begin to understand how difficult this must be.

I once read that a parent doesn't see you as the person you are now, but an amalgamtion of everyone you've ever been. I'm not a 19 year old to my parents, I'm my baby self, the toddler self who wouldn't take off her raincoat, the one who she bathed and hugged and has devoted her life to protecting. One day I'll have to do the same (hopefully- I am incredibly scared of childbirth though).

I don't know the point of this. It just baffles me how intense a love a parent has and how as you get older the love for a parent changes. It becomes manipulated by annoyance and an urge to rebel but after this manipulation it adapts into a maturer love. The need to protect and care becomes part of a childs duty as well. Sometimes I think about what my parents have been through in her life, as well as how bithcy a teenager I can be, and I am just in such a state of awe. I wonder if I'll ever be strong enough for motherhood, because fuck me imagine raising a teenager. Seems like a bloody nightmare.

So kudos to all the parents out there, kudos to all the kids, kudos to everyone. Love can be so painful and so difficult and so many of us do it and that's pretty fucking sick.

The Things About University

I feel like before I came to university I was constantly asking my friends for advice for starting and most gave the same advice of just saying yes and properly throwing yourself into the university experience. I was told that so many times. I was also told so many times that everyone is in the same boat so don't feel isolated in your fear. No one tells you though how fucking important cushions are, I bought one nice cushion and I think I need at least four more. Top tip to all you guys- advice doesn't always need to be deep, sometimes materialistic advice is very important.

The thing about university is that nothing can truly prepare you. Nothing can prepare you for how alien it feels to wake up hearing new sounds, rather than the usual morning routine of your family members. It feels bizarre living with new people, seeing the foods they decide to stock their fridge with, finding out which teas are their favourite but fuck me is it exciting.

I was always aware of the magnitude of my university and how much of a university city Leeds is but nothing could have prepared me for all the different people I'd meet. All my friends are gorgeous, but I've seen them almost every day for years, but here there is so much new beauty to see and become accustomed to. I don't really know how to get this across, but I feel like no one warned me (warn is too foreboding a word, but I can't think of anything else) of all the different people you will be exposed to.

I didn't think freshers would feel busy, but it does and I can't imagine things getting busier but I know that they will. I thought I had become pretty good at using my phone, but the beginning of university has been a whirlwind and I've hardly been able to speak to my friends back home. I get worried that they think I'm replacing them, but I know that they understand how hectic the beginning is.

I was out the other night and really got hit by the fact that this is my life now, it feels so surreal that eventually I will know this city like I know home. Every time I go to turn on my bedroom light and end up turning on the bathroom light I'm reminded that this isn't home yet, every time I go to use the wrong key I'm reminded that this isn't my life yet, but soon it will be. I'm proud to say though that I've already become close pals with the walk to and from Sainsbury's.

I'm enjoying university at the moment. My flat is lovely, the flat across is lovely and I'm yet to come across someone who challenges the happiness I'm currently feeling. Of course there are bad moments, I think most of mine are yet to come though. I'm bloody terrified of lectures actually beginning though and looking towards the future is equally as terrifying as I realise the end of freshers may bring an end to the constant sense of friendship I feel in my block.

ps- I thought of this blog post was getting my student ID, so I couldn't write any of my ideas down but in my head this was one heck of a post, but now in my hungover state it is lacking a lot of the heck I was hoping for but xx enjoy anyway xx