thoughts about life and optimism

I was listening to a podcast earlier (Getting Curious with Jonathan Van Ness ft Jameela Jamill) and in the podcast they were saying that innately we are born as optimists, and that as humans we are built to love. It is only as we get older that we are taught shame, that we are taught to hide our feelings rather than verbally confess our hunger, our anger or our sadness.  It's sad and strange to think of it in that way, that negativity is taught even though that is a truth of life.

bad quality but got no pictures, waitin for my bday so can fulfil my dreams of having a film camera 

The thing that stuck out a lot to me though is that fact we are innately optimists. I always thought I was a pessimist through and through, but I guess my pessimism is the way I have adapted to deal with things. It is easier to expect the worst in situations to eradicate the threat of disappointment. I used to get annoyed at myself for being an 'innately pessimistic' person, but it was all me! I was the only cause of negativity in those situations!! So you're hearing it here first, I am going to do what I can to uncover this optimism that I buried for the sake of making life easier, because life is not meant to be easy and there is no point in thinking bitterly in attempts to create a sense of ease.

I was thinking about how different things would be if we were taught to embrace optimism, rather than seeing those who do as dreamers, as blessed people who live in a false understanding of reality. (they don't have a false sense of reality, they just have hope! and gratefulness! and we are silly for being mean to people who are fuelled by hopes rather than negativity!) . Imagine how much more people would like themselves if we were taught optimism, how much more confidence we would have towards our work, how much hope we would all have for the future. To be fair, bitterness and self depreciation are the foundations of all my humour, but there is still space for optimism.

I don't know, just in that moment as I was tidying my uni room listening to the podcast, and hearing that humans are innately optimistic I just felt so silly for spending so many years being passive towards my negative thoughts. For just accepting them as a part of my life rather than challenging them. 2018 marked the big beginning of me transitioning from being a sad lil bitch to a bad big bitch and I hope that in 2019 I can learn and adapt to be more positive in my approach to things, rather than continue to think that I am destined to be a pessimist. None of us are! (side note- not saying positive thinking is going to cure everyones mental health, but it is always good to challenge the bad and think about some things with a hopefulness because at the end of the day, we are alive and we can't change that).

first crush

Isn't it insane how a song can transport you back in time, how no matter where you are, hearing one particular song can lead you to this refuge of youth within your brain that you forgot existed? There's a song from a film I saw when I was around 15, and on the rare occasion that song pops up on my shuffle I'm just taken back to a me that existed so long ago. It was a me who was confused and sad and hated school, yet after years of being the weird quiet girl I had made some friends. I was out with a group of friends and my crush, a crush we all knew existed yet only spoke about it in whispers as we waited for someone to make the first move. When I hear the song I just get sent back to that moment of us walking from town to the cinema, all of us spread far apart so it was just me and my crush walking together in the protection of the expanded group. It was warm and it was summer and I was excited and nervous- I hadn't had my first kiss yet and the practicalities of two people with braces kissing deeply concerned me. I was worried if we kissed we'd get stuck together and then everyone would find out about me and this person. When I hear the song I remember the way I walked, with my arms moving about more than usual in the hopes that our hands would touch and I could feel that buzz of heat and electricity again. I just remember feeling so excited, I was still young though- sex wasn't on my mind and I didn't know what dating truly was. All I knew was I had a crush that was reciprocated and that every time my skin grazed theirs I felt innocent bursts of euphoria. When I hear the song I remember how it felt when we had finally got the cinema and I was constantly moving so that my knee could brush theirs. When they finally grabbed my hand and drew patterns with their thumb against my palm I felt happiness burst inside me that momentarily hid all the sadness of the time.

Typing it out makes it feel like this one song reminds me of a lifetime, yet when I hear it there is just a fleeting sensation of youth and summer and a reminder of a crush so intense I thought it was going to drive me insane. I remember the happiness and excitement that encompassed my summer before a tough year. It just is weird how this song genuinely sends me back in time, sometimes so fast that it's as though it disturbs the now peaceful butterflies in my stomach. I don't speak to this person anymore, but every now and then we like each others photos on instagram and a few years ago I apologised for the way I ended things- it was young and stupid to them but they made an impact on my life. Now when I hear this song I can focus on the good, the naivety, the excitement- I can feel the summer that was tainted in my memory for so many years.

Peace out !
--ps, fun fact about the photo, taken back in the day, was going through my memory stick trying to see if I had any photos from that day, it was a long arduous process, I gave up and settled on this. How cool and edgy I used to be!

feeling safe

I have one friend, who has always been able to make me feel safe. It wasn’t on purpose, I don’t seek them out when I’m uncomfortable or look for them if there’s a physical threat, but for some reason the knowledge of their presence can almost always make me feel calm. We used to stay out in London late and explore unfamiliar places and looking back on those times I realise that we didn’t take as much precaution as we probably should have, but the friendship was intoxicating enough to mask any possible hazards - immersing our brains in feelings of safety. I wouldn’t really say me and this person are friends anymore, yet every time I see them when we’re out, I can’t help but feel safe. It’s strange how we associate a feeling with a person, how somebody who I haven’t been friends with in such a long time can still provide such a pure and intense form of comfort.

When I was younger, safety was more a practical thing than a feeling. I never realised that the safety and security I felt was more often due to the presence of my parents than being in an actual ‘safe’ environment. As I’ve gotten older, and the relationship with my parents has changed, the thought/ presence of them no longer provides me with the comfort blanket that it once did. I know though, that they would protect me with their lives.

 I don’t understand why someone who is hardly involved in my life anymore can still make me feel safe. I’m not complaining though, just curious whether anyone else has that. I know the vulnerabilities of this person but those traits of their personality doesn’t touch that unwavering sense of safety, yet as I’ve gotten older I’m sure it’s the cracks in my parents facade of invincibility that has lessened the feeling of safety that I associate with them. Maybe it’s an innate feeling though, maybe we’ve evolved to find less safety in our parents as we age because bodies become weaker with age. I do still feel safe from my parents though, but a more practical safety. A safety that can be described and seen whereas this other safety is nothing but a feeling.

sweet moments

I don't really know what I mean by 'sweet moments' because I don't mean sweet in the usual way, but sweet as in those times your head finds a brief moment of tranquility, or when there's a moment of catharsis that leaves you feeling tired but whole again. Those times which could be mistaken as happiness, but it's not happiness. By sweet times I mean times where you're able to realise things will be okay, a happiness with a hint of sadness. This post was meant to be my happiest of times, but I think sweet times are better because these memories just fill me with a warmth despite some not being overly happy.

need to get some winter pics, ones from summer are making me very much miss it 

- for some reason, the memory that is in the forefront of my mind right now is the time I was driving back from the gym in winter last year and I was sweaty and exhausted from my workout and my windows were down and I was just belting out Sam Smith after having gone through a break up. I don't know why this memory seems so poignant, and I remember feeling so sad, but so fresh after my breakup and my throat was raw from how awfully and loudly that I was singing, but it was a sweet moment. I think that was my first moment of realising break ups aren't all that bad.

- sitting in a field in soho drinking cheap cider with two of my friends feeling warm and cool just before going to a Jamie Isaac gig. We weren't speaking, just listening to music whilst slowly smoking cigarettes and just feeling the sun but we were all worried about how things would change once everyone returned from university, and slightly scared of the surrounding antics, but it was warm and we were wearing sunglasses and time was moving slowly- at the pace we wanted it to go.

- watching 'The Undateables' in bed all day with my ex, both knowing that the fling was going to end again soon but just relaxing in that moment, feeling warm and safe and wanted despite that awful awareness that it was only a momentary bliss. We both knew that there was going to have to be an ending soon, but it was nice and we learnt to just accept the complicated.

- strolling around Paris late at night and just talking forever about all my woes with katie.

- sharing olives with my nephew after work after he had dinner, because he's a kid and kids don't care how much of anything they've eaten and get excited for food and aren't afraid of any way they may be perceived.

- sitting in my car after new years eve with my friends, chatting about the strange events of the night, chatting about the people we hadn't seen in ages, chatting about what may go wrong in 2019. We were all a little sad thinking back of 2018, some of the friendships that didn't make it through to 2019 but we were with each other, just like we were at the end of 2018, and at the end of 2017.

- having a cigarette in the rain up north and realising the boy I was seeing was not the one for me, which is always a sad realisation but we had had a good time, it didn't last long enough for there to be any arguments or anything. It wasn't meant to be, but it was nice.

- realising short hair really doesn't suit me, but accepting the ugliness and not giving a hoot about it because it makes washing hair a hell of a lot easier.

- drinking a mocha after an infuriating day of house hunting, feeling bummed out at the lack of houses and the lack of agreements but happiness in the fact I had people to live with and knowing that the house hunting was coming to a close.

Sweet sweet moments with many more to come I hope.

why has uni made you fat?

Hello! It is me! Back again with a less pessimistic blogpost than my old one, trying my best to blog this year- so far so good. I also wanted to try to eat healthier this year and not look as disgusting at university and so far, although it has only been a mere five days I have stuck to these agendas. (update its been two weeks since writing this, I have turned pretty slobby but not ridiculously so) .I think it is easier to eat healthy because its just me and my best friend in the flat and we're both on the same 'lets not eat our body weight in curly fries' this semester vibe.

Although technically we weren't eating our body weight in curly fries. I know I was eating more junk food than usual, but I was hungover more than usual in first semester and I find unhealthy carby foods help a hangover.

I was also drinking a lot last semester and staying out late to familiarise myself with new the environment as well as in an effort to make friends. (Now I've found my favourite nights out, discovered new music I'm into and made some incredible friends).

I also drank a lot of coffee, enough chai lattes to fund every single cinnamon business that exists. I had to though, as there is only so many Americanos you can drink in a day and grabbing a coffee is the perfect way to bond with new people.

I also stayed long hours in university trying out new societies and after I'd grab drinks with the people I met which often resulted in a last minute, not overly nutritious meal.

I gained some weight in my first semester at university, which is always a sensitive subject and like most people in the world I have had my fair share of body/ eating issues in the past. I have generally overcome them though, and each day that goes by I find myself forgetting the calories in a cereal bar, and how long I'd have to run for to burn off slice of toast. Or not even forgetting, but not caring because I'm at university and need food in order to actually do well.

Food and drink is a way of bonding, and I embraced it in first semester. I didn't in the most healthy of ways, but I've made my mistakes in first semester and am being healthier this semester along with more trips to the gym. It was always my plan to sort myself out in second semester, but when I went back to work the first thing my manager said to me (before a hello or how is university) was 'why has university made you so fat?'. The day can be summarised by my workmates discussing my new weight gain, I would go round the corner and hear them talking about the size of my legs, how my face has got fat and so on. The three weeks were fat jokes on end, at my expense, but not from all the colleagues.

It was hard to hear and hard to ignore, but I still ate quality streets that customers gave to me and I still indulged in Christmas which used to be a very hard time of year for me.

It's strange how they thought it was acceptable to discuss my new body like that, one of them being a girl and the other having a baby daughter you'd think they'd be more aware of how fucked up this world is at the moment, and how delicate subjects surrounding weight are. This post doesn't have the message of  'don't comment on peoples weight!!!!!' because none of us would at all. Nor is it looking for sympathy because I have had time to digest the insults and realise that they meant it in an observational way albeit not a nice way, and it was something I'm aware of. But, if I've gained weight by having a good time, and am still relatively healthy then what is the point in giving a fuck about it?