Learnt Some More, Still Have More to Learn

Around this time last year I wrote a post about things I had learnt and things I still had yet to learn. In the beginning I freak out about the fact I will be 19 soon, and now here I am at 20 years old, freaking out marginally less about my age. A lot has changed since last year, I have felt a big dip in my creativity for reasons beyond my control and reading that post- seeing all the ideas I had and remembering the mindset I was in when I wrote it feels so alien to me. There is a numbness in my life at the moment, a resilience created by a medication that is just too much hassle to change. I put off writing this post because it made me sad seeing how much support I used to get on posts, how many ideas I used to come up with- age is meant to increase success rather than decrease it. That's not the way life has worked for me though, and things I cared about have taken a back seat. I'm not who I wanted to be at twenty years old. However, I will never be the self I have idealised. I may be disappointed at times, but other times I am sitting on steps with my friends smoking cigarettes and eating mini eggs to calm down from revision stress, or I am waking up late feeling fully rested. I am not wise, I have not reached an elevated status within the last year (not that I expected to) but I have lived another year and will continue to do so, therefore I may as well reflect on last years post/ create a new one so that I have something to look back on at 21 and think 'thank fucking god I had figured that out' (my reaction when I saw my point about Moroccan hummus xoxo)

disclaimer! if u ever want to buy me kettle chips don't be fooled by this pic, the blue flavour are my fave my friends just have no tastebuds 

things I have learnt...
-leaving things to soak is a great alternative to washing up properly
-there's no point in trying to change some peoples opinions of you
-people want to help you but you also have to help yourself
-sitting on a fresh bedding in clean clothes when you're just out the shower, bare foot with your legs crossed and the sunlight streaming in is a wonderfully peaceful feeling
-not all boys will be understanding when you say no to sex, but not all boys will behave like dicks either- never do anything you don't want to, the conversation isn't as awkward as you think it may be (and even if it is awkward it's your body, it's your choice)
-it is common knowledge that amount of teeth human adults have
-spots aren't limited to your teenage years
-the pain of a breakup doesn't last forever, and they aren't actually that awful a thing after a while, because you will grow as a person, as a partner and as a friend and that is a valuable experience that everyone has to go through
-even at home now that I am an old biddy I can't rely on my mum to buy me tampons
-boys who are hesitant about wearing condoms tend to be assholes
-how to appropriately leave a hook up without curtseying
-hoop earrings will always improve your appearance
-some people will find you strange, your constant singing bizarre and will look at you with wide eyes and nod their head slowly like you are a zoo animal. Abandon such people immediately because singing to yourself / singing rather than speaking isn't actually that weird and some people just have to grow up and smell the roses that singing is more fun than speaking. ( i put a full stop at the end of this one to highlight how strongly I feel about this)
-you will never stop feeling guilty for calling in sick to work even if they do ruin your self esteem
-gaining weight isn't bad because it makes your tits bigger
-gaining weight is just a natural part of life, if it were a bad thing it wouldn't happen
-hugging your friends and telling them you love them is always appreciated, even if they do react in disgust to your sentimentality
-good peanut butter is very expensive


things I am still yet to learn
-whether it actually is socially acceptable to have butter and peanut butter or whether thats all a myth those sick freaks who do it have been telling me
-how to stand up for myself
-how to stop being a crybaby
-where I can buy calypo shots from
-how to not worry about saying no to plans and feel comfortable in my friendships
-how to ask for the gluten free menu at a restaurant rather than getting my friend to ask for me because I have a deep fear of seeming greedy/ too annoying at restaurants
-how to flirt
-how to be honest about my feelings rather than coming up with elaborate lies on why i can't go out
-how to accept my relationship with certain people rather than let questions constantly penetrate the happy surface
-how to not be addicted to smoking
-how to communicate my annoyances rather than ending up in a brooding state of hatred for someone
-how to feel satisfied of where I am at.

Another year, more things learnt and more things I have become unsure of. I don't actually mind the fact I'm not a teenager anymore though. Although reading my old post made me feel a bit strange and a bit sad, I am filled with comfort that I was able to learn some of the things I didn't know before.

Last year I tried to follow the quote that we need to understand less and accept more. I still try to keep hold of this ideology, and have no new quote by my side for my twentieth year because I think I'm just going to try and be a little more optimistic. (quotes are welcome though and always appreciated, I actually feel a bit sad now that I don't have a quote for this year, please send me some)

turning 20 soon, but still hate baths + lasagna

warning: all blogposts for the forseeable future will include reference to my age, because I am turning 20. Twenty! The big 2-0! The step into adulthood! The losing of my teenage years! You are not 19 forever! 20!! I will be turning twenty! (please hold all birthday cards and birthday presents for 26/04/2019 as that is the official date of the big day - don't feel surprised if anything strange happens that day ~ aka a giant rainbow, getting all green traffic lights, waking up with clear skin ~ it's just that the world revolves around me and everyone will be alerted of my birthday in some way  xoxo)

I don’t like baths. I’ve never really liked baths, the idea is nice and soothing but in my reality, baths never are soothing. It usually takes me about 15 minutes to actually get into a bath. I do the thing where you swirl the water with your hand, decide it's ready, get naked, pop a toe in, decide it needs to be about 75 degrees cooler so pop on the cold water and carry on swirling whilst still being naked with the constant concern of the environment and someone walking in on my mind. I end up splashing half the water out the bath in attempts to get comfortable before deciding to just sit in the middle in a state of distress. I notice things about my body, I see the steam rising off my body and curse myself for being such a fucking idiot for having a bath. I get hot, I get sweaty, I try to clean off the sweat but I can't tell anymore if the dampness I feel is from the water or the sweat. I sit there, I try to read, I can't read because I'm naked and vulnerable and uncomfortable, I try to clean myself again but baths never make me feel clean. It's just not a fun process for me.

I had a bath earlier, and I hated it. I can't remember the last time I had a bath before earlier, but I'm pretty sure it was exactly like that.

It’s strange because I’ve changed so much, yet I still don’t like baths, absolutely hate lasagna, I still reach for my blankey every night and occasionally have the familiar nightmare of being sent to boarding school that is run by giant ants that chase me. Turning twenty feels like a big deal, it’s a step into adulthood. Whenever someone behaves petty I use the ‘we’re almost twenty stop being so childish’ argument but I’ve also realised that turning twenty doesn’t actually mean anything. There is no age that defines adulthood, despite being twenty sounding good in an argument against immaturity, that’s the extent its grandeur. Sure, I’ve changed but being twenty is just a thing isn’t it. I’m still going to ask my mum for an advent calendar at Christmas, but I’ll be an adult. 

I have never really enjoyed my birthdays since entering the double digits. As I've gotten older birthdays have more been a reflection of the things I didn't achieve. For years I had this twisted mentality where my birthday would come about and all I would see is the weight I didn't lose, the friends I had lost and all those bitter things. Now my thoughts are less cynical, I see my body and my face and just unhappily accept that it is what I am, but I'm finding it easier to see a future. My past got me to university, it got me to great friends, it got me to be a new person, it got me to be a girl (NOT!! A WOMAN!!) who will happily dance on tables and speak in seminars. My future seems more hopeful, there isn't much direction but I'm studying a subject I love, I know I want to volunteer, I know I want to travel again. I find it difficult to enjoy my birthday because I don't really want to celebrate another year of failures, but with me and my friends constantly moving towards adulthood - away from bouncy castles and twister and Costco cakes and an unfiltered sense of self, I want to celebrate my birthday by momentarily going back to naivety. The loss of innocence isn't as melancholic as novels make it out to be, it brings about necessary intelligence, but it's hard not to see it as a desolate thing when your birthday is approaching and your mind is full of things you haven't done.

I am celebrating my birthday with pancakes, twister, many shots, many gin and tonics, cluedo, a bonfire, you name it- I most probably want it. I may not be overly happy with where I am now, but I'm proud of myself for making it to here. It feels silly to have another year of not celebrating my birthday and spending the day in a state of distress and upset. A birthday celebration doesn't have to be a celebration of your life, I think I'm going to use it as what is to come in my life. I'm feeling empowered, I'm not feeling ready for twenty but fuck it, at least it's not thirty. 

the ability to love

Self-love, familial love, platonic love, unconditional love, obsessions, crushes, broken-hearts, love of books, love of music. Once I heard a lyric that said there's too much love to go around these days, and I disagreed. I think there is so much hatred and fear in the world that the concept of an abundance of love can only be limited to fiction. Maybe I misinterpreted the lyric, but now I understand that within one person love can take many forms. I have definitely been in love with someone before, I have met someone since where I thought I could have fallen in love with them if there were different circumstances. People say when you're younger, love is consuming and violent and full of energy but no one ever really says how love changes as you get older. I've seen old couples say love changes in marriage, love becomes a dependency and a loyalty rather than attraction and lust, but that is love in marriage. I don't know what love becomes when you get older if it's not passionate and encompassing, no one ever really talks about that. There is no denying that as you get older, the love you give is different to the love you gave when you were younger.

not a relevant photo at all, just always need a photo. this was me making green thai curry at uni for first time. didn't go well. 

I am no expert. I am single and confused and wanting so many things, but after many a pensive showers I've realised that being able to love isn't actually that easy. In life there are so many instances that make you wary of being in love, I've had bad friendships, big changes in perspective towards people yet we're all able to love and continue to love even after bad things happen.

I think I am able to love now because I'm better at seeing the faults in my personality and am working on changing them. Although, if someone else found a fault in my personality I'm not sure how well I would take it if I didn't think it was a fault, but I'll cross that bridge when it happens.

I'm able to love because I am able to respect myself. I know some of my quirks shouldn't be tolerated, but some should. I know now that a relationship can't all be about giving, that conversations can be had about respect, about affection and giving but some things should be natural. I respect myself enough now to not stand for a one-sided relationship. (not a dig at my past relationship, I had this realisation after countless shags that led me in a state of a disappointment - it's 2019 and everybody knows about female anatomy, don't accept disappointment from hanky-panky. Spread this respect to your life, you deserve to have your hobbies, your thoughts and opinions appreciated. Respect yourself, respect your wants and it will make relationships easier and once relationships become easier, to love becomes easier).

A lot of my ability to love comes from other peoples treatment towards me, and how I reacted to that treatment. It came from learning what to respect, what to enjoy, what to steer clear from. I think for me, the key to being able to love came from many heartbreaks. It came from losing best friends and a boyfriend, it came from me breaking other peoples hearts (slight exaggeration, a complicated scenario). I'm scared to be in love again because I'm scared of experiencing another break up, but then at moments like this where I realise how much I have learnt from having a broken heart I realise that fear isn't entirely justified.

Everyone deserves love and what not, but love is so strange. It can take on so many forms. It changes so much, but undeniably things change the way we love. I think I have been too harsh before, too expecting of the wrong things and not expecting enough of the right things. Love comes with vulnerability which is absolutely terrifying, but everybody is capable of it.

weird post, did not go as I expected but :) for everybody who reads, thank u I love u!

thoughts about life and optimism

I was listening to a podcast earlier (Getting Curious with Jonathan Van Ness ft Jameela Jamill) and in the podcast they were saying that innately we are born as optimists, and that as humans we are built to love. It is only as we get older that we are taught shame, that we are taught to hide our feelings rather than verbally confess our hunger, our anger or our sadness.  It's sad and strange to think of it in that way, that negativity is taught even though that is a truth of life.

bad quality but got no pictures, waitin for my bday so can fulfil my dreams of having a film camera 

The thing that stuck out a lot to me though is that fact we are innately optimists. I always thought I was a pessimist through and through, but I guess my pessimism is the way I have adapted to deal with things. It is easier to expect the worst in situations to eradicate the threat of disappointment. I used to get annoyed at myself for being an 'innately pessimistic' person, but it was all me! I was the only cause of negativity in those situations!! So you're hearing it here first, I am going to do what I can to uncover this optimism that I buried for the sake of making life easier, because life is not meant to be easy and there is no point in thinking bitterly in attempts to create a sense of ease.

I was thinking about how different things would be if we were taught to embrace optimism, rather than seeing those who do as dreamers, as blessed people who live in a false understanding of reality. (they don't have a false sense of reality, they just have hope! and gratefulness! and we are silly for being mean to people who are fuelled by hopes rather than negativity!) . Imagine how much more people would like themselves if we were taught optimism, how much more confidence we would have towards our work, how much hope we would all have for the future. To be fair, bitterness and self depreciation are the foundations of all my humour, but there is still space for optimism.

I don't know, just in that moment as I was tidying my uni room listening to the podcast, and hearing that humans are innately optimistic I just felt so silly for spending so many years being passive towards my negative thoughts. For just accepting them as a part of my life rather than challenging them. 2018 marked the big beginning of me transitioning from being a sad lil bitch to a bad big bitch and I hope that in 2019 I can learn and adapt to be more positive in my approach to things, rather than continue to think that I am destined to be a pessimist. None of us are! (side note- not saying positive thinking is going to cure everyones mental health, but it is always good to challenge the bad and think about some things with a hopefulness because at the end of the day, we are alive and we can't change that).

first crush

Isn't it insane how a song can transport you back in time, how no matter where you are, hearing one particular song can lead you to this refuge of youth within your brain that you forgot existed? There's a song from a film I saw when I was around 15, and on the rare occasion that song pops up on my shuffle I'm just taken back to a me that existed so long ago. It was a me who was confused and sad and hated school, yet after years of being the weird quiet girl I had made some friends. I was out with a group of friends and my crush, a crush we all knew existed yet only spoke about it in whispers as we waited for someone to make the first move. When I hear the song I just get sent back to that moment of us walking from town to the cinema, all of us spread far apart so it was just me and my crush walking together in the protection of the expanded group. It was warm and it was summer and I was excited and nervous- I hadn't had my first kiss yet and the practicalities of two people with braces kissing deeply concerned me. I was worried if we kissed we'd get stuck together and then everyone would find out about me and this person. When I hear the song I remember the way I walked, with my arms moving about more than usual in the hopes that our hands would touch and I could feel that buzz of heat and electricity again. I just remember feeling so excited, I was still young though- sex wasn't on my mind and I didn't know what dating truly was. All I knew was I had a crush that was reciprocated and that every time my skin grazed theirs I felt innocent bursts of euphoria. When I hear the song I remember how it felt when we had finally got the cinema and I was constantly moving so that my knee could brush theirs. When they finally grabbed my hand and drew patterns with their thumb against my palm I felt happiness burst inside me that momentarily hid all the sadness of the time.

Typing it out makes it feel like this one song reminds me of a lifetime, yet when I hear it there is just a fleeting sensation of youth and summer and a reminder of a crush so intense I thought it was going to drive me insane. I remember the happiness and excitement that encompassed my summer before a tough year. It just is weird how this song genuinely sends me back in time, sometimes so fast that it's as though it disturbs the now peaceful butterflies in my stomach. I don't speak to this person anymore, but every now and then we like each others photos on instagram and a few years ago I apologised for the way I ended things- it was young and stupid to them but they made an impact on my life. Now when I hear this song I can focus on the good, the naivety, the excitement- I can feel the summer that was tainted in my memory for so many years.

Peace out !
--ps, fun fact about the photo, taken back in the day, was going through my memory stick trying to see if I had any photos from that day, it was a long arduous process, I gave up and settled on this. How cool and edgy I used to be!