Quarintine Vibing

Lockdown is strange and there are moments where the craziness of this whole situation is overwhelming and impossible to comprehend. I have never had a great threshhold for the uncertain, but I am coming to terms with the unpredictability of current times and despite constantly complaining about my uni work load, I am so fucking grateful I have it to keep me busy. Here's some glimpses of my lock down:

cheers 2 coffee , cheers 2 nice mugs 

nice things:

Every morning my Dad makes enough coffee for us both and he always seems to get the coffee to water ratio just right

I smell absolutely delightful thanks to my mum buying good soap

playing bananagrams with my family - my dads dyslexia and ability to create definitions for words he is sure to exist is a frequent source of entertainment

'dad you didn't win, hays isn't a word'
'of course it is.'
'use it in a sentence'
'how much hay do you need? around 20 hays.' (upon googling this it turns out hays is a word in country dancing. but he did not mean it in that context and therefore the word did not count)

recieving photos of my nephew and baby cousin- it is nice to have reminders of unfiltered joy and blissful innocence when everything is so fucking bleak. to see a happiness that is pure is always a blessing, but in these times the unguarded smiles of kids is something beyond special and it is nice knowing that although these times are tough there is still joy admist the anxiety and gloom that seems to have encompassed the world

I am speaking to my friends more than usual

Having a g&t over facetime is more enjoyable than I thought it would be

not wearing a bra and having no regrets because I am not moving enough to feel the discomfort of free tits

my dad has bought an air fryer, and with it he has been making some super tasty chips

I am finding it oddly comforting having an actual cause to blame for my low moods/ anxiety during these times. There is something reassuring about having an actual thing to hold liable for difficult moods, rather than having to decipher every thought and every thing that has happened in attempt to find a reason for a sudden dip in mood.

There is so much time to read for lesiure

The goodnights at the end of a videocall

I find it nice being tagged in things, or sent things online, even normally it feels nice to have been thought about, but when friendships are being strained so greatly through distance it is nice that something ridiculous will still make people think of you

I fucked up one of my eyebrows in the process of shaping it, so at least by the time quarintine is over and I will be seen in the light of day by other poeple, my eyebrow won't be anywhere near as atrocious as it currently is

some nice, some not so nice thoughts:

It will have been a year since I last saw Katie the next time I see her, and although we have only been on holiday twice together it feels like a break of tradition by not going this year. However, instead I will go on holiday to Newcastle and meet her new dog and we can enjoy the British sun together and enjoy the fact we are finally free. I think just the happiness of freedom will be enough to override any feelings of longing for european adventure (in saying that - if it is not sunny and warm and if I am not able to go swimming in natural water I will be a little bit pissed)

I am so lucky to love my University and the people I have met as much as I do. It is sad that second year has been void of so much learning though due to strikes and covid-19. I love learning, I love my course yet the such a lack of teaching makes memories of second year be clouded with dissapointment. I have been robbed of the one experience I was gaurnteed at university- there are so many literary theories and discussions about texts I have not been able to have. yes there is virtual learning, but to sit in a seminar and discuss texts and see the people I think of as friends, even though they are merely people I see once a week in seminars and occasionally in a lecture is something I loved and I am sad to have had such few experiences of that this past term.

The fact I have to begin thinking about my dissertation is absolute wank. I have been denied so many opportunities of learning due to the strikes (and covid-19 just tops it all off but ways are being figured out around that, so the anger about that lack of learning is just aimed at the universe rather than the man at the top of the UOL hierarchy) that to beging thinking about a thing which will define my future so greatly just feels absurd. There has been too little learning time to guide any relevant thought on what I could write 10,000 words about. Perhaps I am just being a big baby (and I am very relieved I am not in final year please don't view this as ungrateful) but to write 10,000 words about a topic from a subject I loved never created feelings of horror within me, yet now the simple thought of my dissertation makes me freak! the! fuck! out!!.
- also I'm interested by so many aspects of literature that I haven't be able to study due to having such little freedom when choosing modules, which is a shame. I have an idea of what I may do it on, but everything just feels so limited.

There is too much time to think and worry about the future and have old memories resurface that fill me with doubt

Productivity is a difficult concept to accept and appreciate during quarantine.

exciting things:

I'm going to bleach my hair, dye it, wax my legs and come out of this looking groovy as fuck

One day soon I will be back in Leeds and I will be standing on the chairs in my kitchen with my pals, and we will be singing our hearts out with a glass of wine in hand and the night will progress into something completley unncessary- but those are the best sorts of nights

I will be able to watch films with other people, and will have hair to play with that is not my own and will be able to judge faces in person to see if they're enjoying the film, rather than have to try and decipher a heavily pixelated image of their face

soon my essays will be less overwhelming, and when that time comes I will find a good work/ leisure balance

my hayfever is at its peak during march/ april, so when freedom comes I will be able to sit in parks comfortably and not be tormented by pollen

'fuck it, should we just get shots and get pissed' will sound a million times sweeter than it usually does

browsing in bookshops will also be a million times sweeter

I won't be told off for swearing

soon come, I will be able to see my friends and when I do I am going to hug each one of them for two hours and tell them how much I love them and will probably shed a tear

summer will be here and I will feel the sun on my face as I dance outside barefoot on grass, with a tinnie in one hand and a cigarette in the other, good music will be playing and when I grab my friends hands I will feel the warmth from the sun on their skin and it will be even better than all the times I have imagined it during lock down. festivals may not happen, but to groove outside with sunglasses on surrounded by amazin pals is all I am wishing for right now and that time will be here. and when it is there will be a sadness that is impossible to shift due to the tragedy this disease has created, but hope will be ripe and I'll be with the people that I love, and have missed so dearly.

quarantine overthinking : how to heal a fractured friendship.

what to do when your bestfriend(s) hurt you in a way you never thought they would:

- talk to them about it
- stand up for yourself
- don't feel bad about leaving the friendship for a while
- speak to friends outside of the situation for a non-bias opinion
- speak your truth and be up front with your questions
- accept things will not be the same for a while, or maybe ever
- remember that despite other best friends who have hurt you, not all of them will
- allow yourself time to figure out how you feel, try not to enter/ begin a conversation guns blazin on a thought rampage .

what NOT to do when you bestfriend(s) hurt you in a way you never thought they would:

- don't feel ashamed about making them feel bad by acknowledging the hurt they have caused
- don't be petty and tell everybody you know
- don't be petty and make rash descions
- don't be mean, if you feel the need to be mean then reconsider why you're actually hurt
- don't let it affect your ability to trust
- don't hold on to the friendship if you don't think it is something you will be able to get over
- but also, don't end the friendship based off one mistake no matter how much it hurts you.

(side note- there is a big emphasis on best friend here. friends hurt you, friends lie to you and it can hurt. but with a best friend the hurt is different, the friendship has more love and trust in it than a normal one, so it requires more decorum than a typical friendship spat.)

lisboa with my fave - a reminder why it is wonderful to trust n love people without fear !

I strongly believe that losing a friendship is worse than losing a romantic relationship. When a romantic relationship ends, there are other types of relationships that can continue which allow you to remain in each others lives. In fact, without there being romantic love you can realise a friendship is the ideal relationship between the two of you. A friendship is different though, as there is no satisfying downgrade from a friendship, there is not a factor that can be removed to provide a comfortable, alterior form of relationship.

Bestfriends are special, they provide a different form of care and love than any other relationship can. They're the creation of a family that you think you can forever put your trust in. They're an escape from all the other obligatory relationships you may hold. Not calling a romantic relationship obligatory, more a case of there are some things you can’t discuss straight away with a partner, but a best friend you always can. I know people argue their partner is their bestfriend, but there is something different with a bestfriend. You can speak to them about your partner and have an outside voice tell you that you are being unreasonable, they will never have any reason to appease you but just give you 100% truth. I don't know, I just think in a romantic relationship there is some barrier, perhaps an underlying knowledge that they can break your heart, a drilled in voice that one day they can just fall out of love with you; but for some reason that barrier does not exist with a best friend. Which, in turn, makes it all the more of a shit show when a bestfriend does do something that hurts you more than you thought possible.

I’ve been thinking that maybe it is so hard to get over a bestfriend issue because it is a narrative that is rarely spoken about; tv shows and books often make reference to the heartache caused by a romantic breakup, the betrayal felt through such an experience is one we are taught to expect at least once in our lives, yet the splitting up from a best friend is not as often spoken about. We haven’t been taught to expect a nasty end to a friendship with someone we once thought of as a sister, in fact we are taught that best friends are forever. Also perhaps because with a best friend there are no limitations to what you talk about, it is just brutal honesty and to lose such trust is bound to affect you. It is also easier to go through a romantic breakup as they dominate the media. They are the basis of storylines for TV shows and films, somebody goes through a breakup and we get a glimpse of what heartbreak is. We’re taught to expect betrayal from a romantic relationship, to expect an end and are taught various coping mechanisms through books and film. Yet the splitting up from a best friend is not often spoken about, and when it is spoken about the resolution is as simple as cutting them out of your life, but it isn’t that simple. Cutting people out not only forces the rest of your friendgroup to suffer, but also forces you to suffer. There is no easy way to get through the betrayal felt by best friends though, or when you realise a lot of your favourite memories had been built upon lies despite you giving them all your trust. Also, we’re just not really taught to expect a best friend to fuck you over- or if they do it is done in a way that everybody is aware of the hurt that has been caused, rather than an unknown balance of whether things are okay or not.

It has been a solid few months of distancing myself from the friends that dicked me over. In those months I stood up for myself and spoke my truth and I did what I needed to do to move on, but it felt difficult as the majority of advice I was getting was to cut them out of my life. Things are fine now. It is difficult to think about past memories that were once filled with warmth and laughter, as now they are tainted with the fact I was being lied to and being treated with complete disregard. It is even more difficult now to think about the upcoming times we will spend together, as I grapple with desperatley wanting to forgive yet am plagued by resurfacing images and memories that make complete forgiveness not seem possible just yet. The bright side is, I can imagine the friendships reforming, they will not being entirely the same but nonetheless they will exist. The jokes of being poor together and sharing our money to split a singular drink, of moulding our mishapen lives into a tangled mess of adventures will never hold the same authenticity that they once did. However, I am able to forgive because I know the apologies are genuine and I do not want to experience the chaos and fluctuations of my twenties without these two pals by my side.



peace out!

more good entertainment choices

Call me big headed, but I have always felt part of my charm as a blogger stemmed from not being a conventional blogger. I love reading blog posts from others about what is happening in their lives, I find comfort reading other people's mental outpoors, the personal is what I enjoy to read and thus it is what I like to give. However, at the moment to help my quest for a placement I need to combine the old with the new. I need to bring back the fourteen year old who spoke about fashion and makeup but with a twist. The twist is simply, I now am more conscious of where I spend my money and what I entertain myself with and I hope this translates into my posts.

To be fair, I say all this. In reality, I just want to post more frequently, but to not fill the frequent with the personal, because I have actually made some banging new discoveries. So low and behold, some more enjoyable educational entertainment:

(side note - not all is educational, but from varying persepctives that are not often heard from)

Jacob Hawley on Drugs A necessary podcast in today's society that aims to lessen the stigma around addiction and drug abuse. The podcast comes from an open perspective, yet does not promote the use of drugs. In the podcast he talks with previous addicts, the families of addicts, proffessionals and creates an open dialogue about drug use. In the fourth episode he speaks with parents who lost their children due to taking drugs and in the episode they say that all too often young people are just told not to take drugs rather than being advised to take them safely. Obviously drugs are bad, and the podcast shows this but in a non-didactic way. The episodes are often sad, yet always informative and interesting and I think it is very important to listen because it’s time we became more understanding and less villianising of drug takers/ those who suffer from addiction.

Women Talking - (trigger warning going to mention sexual assault & rape) This novel is based on the real life events of the Mennonite Community in Bolivia where women were repeatedly drugged and raped. Initially the womens reports were dismissed as being the works of evil forces, but then the truth was discovered. Although it's based on real events, it is a fictional response to the arrest of the men, revolving around the different options for the womens survival: stay, leave or run.

Initially I was going to say ‘wow what a cool idea to reimagine history’ but then remembered that it is actually, a common theme in literature. When reading it though, it did feel really unique and very appropriate to read within today's culture. It is heavy in dialogue, reading more like a script than a novel, but a cool form as the author gives the women the voices they were denied when the attacks actually occured. The characters are believable therefore effectivlely demonstrating the inescapable effects of rape on the victims and the families, as well as portraying the internalisation of disgusting patriarchal beliefs. Interestingly, it is written from a male perspective however in doing this it doesn’t take away much from the women. My only issue with the novel is that the speaker is shrouded in mystery initally, yet I believe the focus shouldn’t have been divided between the women and the speaker and also there were some moments revolving love which I believe to have been unneccessary.


(For those who have read the book - I see why the two don’t get married, an act of female indepdence and all, but I think the whole side story distracts from the main dialogue of the novel. Interested to know your thoughts.)

Gotta Get Theroux This Louis Therouxs autobiography was one of the best things I read last year. It was interesting to read as he talks about how his career begun, the difficulties faced, his relationship with Jimmy Saville, how his career effected his homelife. Louis Theroux is such a well loved guy in British culture, and reading this only made him moreso. It was especially uplifting to read as I am in the current phase of intense confusion surrounding future careers, and it is nice to read from such a well established and respected guy that he experienced the same, and that not all went as smoothly as it appears to have nowadays. It is just a great read, you can hear Louis throughout the entire text, you get some cracking photos of him, some insight into the world of documentary making and ah, it’s just brilliant.

(side note- 100% would recommend if you are also struggling with the knowledge your youth is running out, or if you feel like your life is a bit floppy/ lacking a positive structure)

Getting Curious With Jonatahn Van Ness One of the most enjoyable sources of educational entertainment comes from Jonathan Van Ness, in my opinion. He has a lot, and it can be hard to choose, but I hadn’t listened for a while and throughly enjoyed the bottomt two. Although the episodes revolve around injustices and the difficulty of life, they are filled with hope as he speaks with women working from charities who support the topics being discussed. Also, Jonathan is just such a positive and wonderful man, he brings light to everything he does. Top two that I reccomend at the moment:

-How Did Family Separation Affect Your Life? Very sad, but very moving to hear how Diane Guerrero (Lena from OITNB) became a successful and powerful woman despite the deportation of her family when she was only 14(!!). In it she talks about how she got to where she is today and there is a part wehre she talks about herself having to limit her dreams after her parents deportation and man, it is something I never truly thought about- how you can try and sculpt your dreams, rather than letting them actually represent your hopes and fantasies. It is incredibly important to listen to this when you have the chance, I think it’s about 45 minutes long, but not one moment of it is dull.

-What does Planned Parenthood Do To Keep Us Safe? Another extremely important one to listen to in todays culture, not even just for Americans but with the NHS being put at risk it is easy to empathise with what these women go through. Also it’s extremely important as it is an open and honest discussion about abortion, along with many other things, but I find it is rare for abortion to be discussed so candidly. Usually when it’s portrayed on TV shows/ films it shows a woman sadly leaving the abortion clinic/ having to go past protestors, but rarely is there a depiction of what life is like after a few months, let alone a few years. However in this episode Jonathan talks with a woman who had an abortion and now has a happy family, and just gives a rounded view to the importance of Planned Parenthood, and how terrifying the abolition of it would be.

peace out ! see ya soon

second year sweetness + suckiness

I'm not sure if I was warned about how difficult second year is, it is highly likely I heard the warnings and subconsciously chose to ignore them to save myself from having to worry about it- but fuck me is second year difficult. I'm not sure what it is, but the added pressure of marks counting and the search for placement years certainly doesn't help. There also seems to be a lot more romantic drama this year, we've reached an age where we're willing to get hurt in the hopes of experiecing a glimpse of love but when the hurt happens, no matter how big or small, it creates a crisis in the fear of never getting to experience all that love that relationships have to offer. There is also friendship complications that seem to have appeared out of nowhere, people going against basic rules of friendship and basic rules of respectability. The only good thing is, we're all adults now. We value conversation above pent up angers and we genuinely do not have time for people we don't want in our lives, so there is no risk of fake friendships. We also all love another enough to not let such trials disturb the prospect of forever in our friendships. In saying all this, my semester has sounded very dramatic, but it is far from it for me personally. My biggest drama has been finding out I'm not as smart as I thought I was and trying to use dissapointment as a motivator rather than a prover.

I am more excited for next semester, mainly because I hope to get better grades. I also plan on doing more, I'm a peer reviewer for a journal released by Undergraduates, I hope to write for the University newspaper (mainly for CV purposes) and I just hope to do more academic things to help lessen this fear of the future and hopefully erase all concerns I have about the point of an English Literature degree. Speak it into existence!

soz 4 the photo quality xx

The woes previously expressed in this post have been intermittent, broken up by good films, good gigs, good dancing seshes, good friends and the revival of my love of chess.

Highlights so far:

- All piling on to one persons bed to watch a film
- Girly chats in another persons bed
- Going to a gig and absolutely falling in love with the artist
- Seeing Twin Peaks twice and feeling all the energy and sense of community from everybody in the crowd
- Watching Queer Eye in bed after a night out and falling asleep with my housemate
- Leaving a night out early with the sole intention of making hash browns
- Getting absolutely smashed on an unplanned night to help my friend through her breakup
- Walking back from a night out at a ridicolous time of night and finding a massive tray with a million wheels attatched
- Deep chats on the walk to a party
- Watching Pride
- An impromptu cinema trip to boost my friends' spirit, secretly satisfying my craving of going to the cinema
- Listening to my friend retell a stroy of how she stole a giant pizza
- Games night at my friends house ending in her housemates returning back from a pub night incredibly drunk with a lot of stolen memrobilia
- Walking back from a movie night, slightly tipsy and seeing people in the takeout shop near my house, others running out and stumbling as they walk, all smiling and hearing their laughter through my headphones. I was listening to a perfect song, and everyone just seemed to be in their own bubble of happiness. It was just really lovely.
- Bonding with friends housemates
- Feeling disheartened by magnitudes of work so we booked tattoos to boost our spirits
- Celebrating fireworks night with a homemade bonfire and watching a crappy film
- Finding out there is a fat arcade in Leeds (I haven't been there yet, but god damn after exams catch me there suckers!!)
- Friendships getting stronger
- Wednesday nights when my housemate would get back from her cooking class and she'd show me what she had made and tell me all about it (why is my housemate the actual cutest bestest person ever)
- Swimming
- Going on sandwich runs
- Drinking redbull in the library at times no one should be in the library
- Popping into the kithcen to make a cup of tea and then spending hours with my house instead
- Watching The Boat That Rocked
- Being vulnerable with friends
- Playing chess with my friend only to find out he is a chess professional
- Spontaneous trips to the pub to play pool
- One of my lecturers had a lot of pizazz, always making a Monday morning lecture more enjoyable (but also more dissapointing when it wasn't him taking the lecture)
- Panicking about the strikes and being rescued by my friend instead
- Jazz nights
- Sunday night Planet Earth watching with my housemate
- So! Much! Dancing!
- Watching my friend cook carbonara after an unsuccessful library day and banging out some mad tunes
- Discovering the importance of honest conversation.

In retrospect, second year may be tough, but it has also been very sweet and I am very lucky to have such wonderful friends.

'Oh Grow Up'

A phrase I constantly end up thinking to myself is 'Oh grow up', however most of the time when I think this I am just being horribly unreasonable. I wouldn't have called myself a judgemental person prior to this year, but I have since realised that I am a ridiculous human being who repeatedly thinks other people need to grow up for merely having their own opinions, taste buds and thoughts. Despite knowing that I am being unreasonable and that I should let everyone live their lives how they want because at the end of the day these things don't actually affect me (that much) I still do think there are certain beliefs and values that people need to stop being such a big baby about and grow up.

my friend michael, who fits into a lot of the criteria below. also couldn't find any other photos that were remotley in tune with the current seasons so decided to embrace the closeness of Christmas rather than use yet another sunny photo 

Things I will roll my eyes at and think 'Oh grow up' at if you say them/ express them near me:

-Asking for no tomatoes. In some cases it's acceptable, but at the same time, in a hefty sandwich, with a lot of filling?? grow up and eat them

- Not liking coffee

- Not liking hot drinks

- Not liking to have the subtitles on whilst watching TV (it's not distracting and if you genuinely believe that it is, I believe that you have a poor attention span and are dumb) (also I really struggle to understand what people are saying via a screen so please just let me keep subtitles on)

- Monster Munch being a favourite flavour of crisp 

- People who express contempt at athletes foot (we're most likely all going to have it one day! Don't alienate me for having my time come sooner than you!)

- Level one mild cheese being someones preferred cheese (albeit I am mostly vegan and I know vegan cheese most closely resemebles this, but lets be real mild cheese is flavourless)

- Asking vegans / vegetarians how much money they would have to be paid to eat meat / animal products

- Telling me you think you might be intolerant to gluten (hun come to me when it makes your entire insides explode, not just when you get a little bit bloated from eating bread all week)(to be fair this is less of a 'oh grow up' than a simple 'idc')

- Not liking foreign films 

- Not finding lizards really interesting animals

- Pretending not to know people even when you do just to seem cooler (I didn't think this was a real thing until someone told me they done this the other day. The audacity!! How can people actually do this! Grow up and be respectful you turd bags)

- People who think rich people deserve all the money they earn 

- Not enjoying soup

(side not - purely satirical, but also kind of not. I do think people who have a vendetta against tomatoes need to grow the fuck up) 

Things I will never think 'Oh grow up to' just because I realised the other list made me seem a bit too hateful:

- Fart jokes

- Any form of toilet humour to be honest

- Horrendously mispronouncing words for the sake of humour (top tier humour in my opinion)

- Novelty slippers
- Getting excited about Christmas and birthdays
- Getting upset over little things (we all got emotions, as long as you speak about things there is no problem yo!)
- Not knowing something and asking for an explanation (some people have infinite amounts of knoweldge, others don't and those of us that don't know its always best to ask even if people think we have the knowledge of a five year old)
- Wanting attention (within reason) 

- Spongebob references

- Having way more sugars than acceptable in your hot drinks (listen, I'm just happy you're drinking them)

- Having a blankie or a teddy

- Not liking obscure flavours (in the above I seem a bit like a food snob, but I would never judge someone for not liking liqouirce. It's more just the principle of the above)