good things to remember for ever and more

It is not uncommon for me to become attatched to certain quotes, but recently I have found myself relying on two quotes more than others. Niether are particuarly profound, and they may mean nothing to some, but they hold meanings that changed my perception of the world for the better and I believe that to others they may hold the same great resonance that they do for myself. (and what a better time to have some inspirational quotes than on the brink of a new year!)

postcard from here

'Well, maybe we should try not to understand so much, and accept some more' -Matt Haig, The Humans.

I think the attempt to understand everything is to make everything seem a little easier. Hardships appear better when the mechanics are understood, crises seem more bearable when the root problem can be identified, but when has life ever been so simple? Some things should be understood. Understanding emotions can help us better identify triggers, learning how the covid-19 vaccine works provides great reassurance, and I am sure there are a million more things that make life easier when they are understood. But many aspects of life are nothing more than abstractions. They appear and happen and are felt for reasons that can not always be understood and interpreting the reasonings behind such things can only get us so far. As much as some things are simply not able to be understood, sometimes they are not meant for us to understand. Many times this year, I have tried too hard to understand things that are actually impossible to understand, and I have caused myself more grief than neccessary by dwelling on why some things have happened. I forgot the bliss and learnings that can come simply from accepting things. Like I said, life is full of abstractions, emotions and motivations do not hold a physical embodiment so trying to understand them is not always possible. When we come to accept more and understand less, I think life can become a little lighter. It becomes easier to learn from things as we have accepted that the only thing we are able to control and understand is how we react and grow from some happenings. Not everything in life needs to be, or can be understood and attempting to accept more and understand less is probably one of the best things we can do for ourselves.

‘I occasionally experience myself as a cluster of flowing currents…[which]...require no reconciling, no harmonizing… I prefer this to the idea of a solid self, the identity to which so many attach so much significance’ - Edwaird Said, Out of Place: A Memoir 

This has slightly been taken out of context in the way I have come to deeply appreciate it. I first heard it in a lecture about the impact of colonialism on forming an identity and how it affects one's ability to rely on a stable sense of self. This is not to diminish the importance this quote has in postcolonial studies, but I also believe it has great resonance for those experiencing mental health difficulties. Often, when struggling with my own mental health I felt like I was constantly trying to return to being ‘the real me’, but how detrimental it was of myself to view the non-suffering me as the blueprint of my existence. I failed to see the problems of trying to return to a way of being, but this quote helped me to realise that identity is not a stable entity. There can not be a past self to return to because the self is not stable and fixed but instead is a ‘cluster of flowing currents’ that do not always fit together, that do not always make sense, that can never be returned to because the things that make us who we are continuously change. To think of myself as a fluid identity rather than a solid self makes it easier to accept my own adaptability, it makes sense because I am an accumulation of happenings, I cannot return to a way I used to be because that part of my existence never left, it simply changed slightly. I once read something that described our souls as animating the bodies we live in, and what a perfect way of describing it. We animate our bodies, we provide it with action and give it a life; our souls are not stagnant things in our bodies, nor does our soul separate  inside of us, therefore there is nothing ever to return to, no part of us ever gets lost. We are animated, we are moving, we are living, so we should never cause ourselves sorrow by wanting to return to a past self, because the past self is our current and future self. 

So, I hope these quotes provide you with some reassurance and hopefully they help you through tough times like they have myself. With all that being said, here is a final quote to remember : ‘you can get through anything, one day at a time’. 

the big 2-1! learnings and questionings

(things about to get soppy)

It is pretty fucking cool to be turning 21 and to not feel dread about having existed another whole year. For as long as I can remember, I have not looked forward to birthdays. The celebration of a life I was struggling to hold on to by surrounding myself with people who loved me never provided a brilliant birthday spirit. This year, for the first year in a very long while, the only thing that sparked a sadness about my birthday was the fact I could not celebrate it how I wanted to; because for the first year in years there was actually a way I wanted to celebrate my birthday. A lot of things have changed, and I have learnt how to better cope with many things. It is not all smooth though and many things I wish I could get over I am not sure is possible, but it is a great relief that despite still being unable to imagine myself in the future, it is no longer caused by dread of experiencing it.

So here is to me for:
- turning twenty-one when I never thought I would
- overcoming a lot of things I thought would stick with me forever
- being an absolute legend

apologies if u also follow my insta n have seen this photo twice. 

In usual tradition, I have learnt a lot in the past year. Some things I will say I have not fully completed in learning, but I am getting there and that is achievement enough. I also have things I am still unsure of, and I'm sure as my twenties progress and I am exposed to life beyond that of university and the familiarity of education that the list will only grow. For now though, despite the chaos of the world and that awful sensation that uncertainty creates and the general global bleakness and fear for loved ones lives,,,,, despite all of that negativity I am proud of myself for making it to my 21st birthday and for the acceptance I felt in the build up to it. :) soppy but true! :)

things I have learnt
-green giant sweetcorn tastes the same as frozen sweetcorn
-vegan hellmans mayo tastes like actual mayo, but veganaisse mayo is the best vegan mayo
-to stop thinking of boys as kind for doing decent things
-hanging out in bed with no trousers on is far better than hanging out in bed with comfy trousers on
-hanging out anywhere with no trousers on is far better than hanging out with trousers on
-american tv shows and films lied, it's not actually that easy or realistic for your professor to fall in love with you
-nothing is more attractive than intelligence
-don't trust people who change their actions around their friend when their partner is round - either have an openly flirtatious friendship that has no susbtance to the innapropriate flirts or fucking reel in that behaviour
-that cleaning your glasses with your tshirt isn't actually a myth, you just have to get a good grip on your glasses for it to work
-if the oil in a frying pan catches fire you shouldn't put it out with water
-two pints of water and a couple of painkillers before bed is the best hangover preventative. don't trust other gross preventatives, especially not drinking pickle juice
-there is no need to provide justification for every action
-you can't be passive in trying to fix your mental health
-the confidence to make a separate bowl of popcorn that is just salty rather than sucking up and having a sweet and salty mix
-not to say 'pardon' during sexy times. As long as your partner seems to be havin a good time, there is no need to ask for repetition, especially not in the form of 'pardon'
-how to combat feelings of anxiety and unease surrounding eating in front of new people
-everything tastes a lil better with hot sauce
-to buy juice for the morning after a heavy night
-too many late nights results in a very emotional me that will cry over everything
-how to stand up for myself!!

things I am yet to learn
- how complicated can your twenties actually be?
- how are friendships different in adulthood?
- what you are meant to say when you mishear something in sex
- how to abandon expectations I have for my twenties and just see what happens
- to view my twenties as indivudal days rather than attempting to fathom the next nine years of my life with a brain that has hardly touched a world outside of education
- to make shorter to do lists so that I can experience a sense of accomplishment
- how to not behave like a five year old when talking about sex
- how to not let ironic sayings become a part of my natural vocabulary. (since when do I say dope? why do I call everyone bro? will I ever be able to stop saying dank?)
- how to be open with people who crave and deserve my vulnerability the most
- to be a better texter (sorry to everyone who has ever had to experience my inability to text reliably. I luv you I am just forgetful and quick to get distracted or overwhlemed. also sorry to people who gets brain ramblings that have not been filtered yet)
- how to not be such a wet wipe
- how to always stand up for myself

peace out! hope everyone is safe and well and powering through these ridiculous times. seeing as I am the birthday girl ; I order you to have a beverage or some form of treat and congratulate yourself for survivng lockdown so far x

Quarintine Vibing

Lockdown is strange and there are moments where the craziness of this whole situation is overwhelming and impossible to comprehend. I have never had a great threshhold for the uncertain, but I am coming to terms with the unpredictability of current times and despite constantly complaining about my uni work load, I am so fucking grateful I have it to keep me busy. Here's some glimpses of my lock down:

cheers 2 coffee , cheers 2 nice mugs 

nice things:

Every morning my Dad makes enough coffee for us both and he always seems to get the coffee to water ratio just right

I smell absolutely delightful thanks to my mum buying good soap

playing bananagrams with my family - my dads dyslexia and ability to create definitions for words he is sure to exist is a frequent source of entertainment

'dad you didn't win, hays isn't a word'
'of course it is.'
'use it in a sentence'
'how much hay do you need? around 20 hays.' (upon googling this it turns out hays is a word in country dancing. but he did not mean it in that context and therefore the word did not count)

recieving photos of my nephew and baby cousin- it is nice to have reminders of unfiltered joy and blissful innocence when everything is so fucking bleak. to see a happiness that is pure is always a blessing, but in these times the unguarded smiles of kids is something beyond special and it is nice knowing that although these times are tough there is still joy admist the anxiety and gloom that seems to have encompassed the world

I am speaking to my friends more than usual

Having a g&t over facetime is more enjoyable than I thought it would be

not wearing a bra and having no regrets because I am not moving enough to feel the discomfort of free tits

my dad has bought an air fryer, and with it he has been making some super tasty chips

I am finding it oddly comforting having an actual cause to blame for my low moods/ anxiety during these times. There is something reassuring about having an actual thing to hold liable for difficult moods, rather than having to decipher every thought and every thing that has happened in attempt to find a reason for a sudden dip in mood.

There is so much time to read for lesiure

The goodnights at the end of a videocall

I find it nice being tagged in things, or sent things online, even normally it feels nice to have been thought about, but when friendships are being strained so greatly through distance it is nice that something ridiculous will still make people think of you

I fucked up one of my eyebrows in the process of shaping it, so at least by the time quarintine is over and I will be seen in the light of day by other poeple, my eyebrow won't be anywhere near as atrocious as it currently is

some nice, some not so nice thoughts:

It will have been a year since I last saw Katie the next time I see her, and although we have only been on holiday twice together it feels like a break of tradition by not going this year. However, instead I will go on holiday to Newcastle and meet her new dog and we can enjoy the British sun together and enjoy the fact we are finally free. I think just the happiness of freedom will be enough to override any feelings of longing for european adventure (in saying that - if it is not sunny and warm and if I am not able to go swimming in natural water I will be a little bit pissed)

I am so lucky to love my University and the people I have met as much as I do. It is sad that second year has been void of so much learning though due to strikes and covid-19. I love learning, I love my course yet the such a lack of teaching makes memories of second year be clouded with dissapointment. I have been robbed of the one experience I was gaurnteed at university- there are so many literary theories and discussions about texts I have not been able to have. yes there is virtual learning, but to sit in a seminar and discuss texts and see the people I think of as friends, even though they are merely people I see once a week in seminars and occasionally in a lecture is something I loved and I am sad to have had such few experiences of that this past term.

The fact I have to begin thinking about my dissertation is absolute wank. I have been denied so many opportunities of learning due to the strikes (and covid-19 just tops it all off but ways are being figured out around that, so the anger about that lack of learning is just aimed at the universe rather than the man at the top of the UOL hierarchy) that to beging thinking about a thing which will define my future so greatly just feels absurd. There has been too little learning time to guide any relevant thought on what I could write 10,000 words about. Perhaps I am just being a big baby (and I am very relieved I am not in final year please don't view this as ungrateful) but to write 10,000 words about a topic from a subject I loved never created feelings of horror within me, yet now the simple thought of my dissertation makes me freak! the! fuck! out!!.
- also I'm interested by so many aspects of literature that I haven't be able to study due to having such little freedom when choosing modules, which is a shame. I have an idea of what I may do it on, but everything just feels so limited.

There is too much time to think and worry about the future and have old memories resurface that fill me with doubt

Productivity is a difficult concept to accept and appreciate during quarantine.

exciting things:

I'm going to bleach my hair, dye it, wax my legs and come out of this looking groovy as fuck

One day soon I will be back in Leeds and I will be standing on the chairs in my kitchen with my pals, and we will be singing our hearts out with a glass of wine in hand and the night will progress into something completley unncessary- but those are the best sorts of nights

I will be able to watch films with other people, and will have hair to play with that is not my own and will be able to judge faces in person to see if they're enjoying the film, rather than have to try and decipher a heavily pixelated image of their face

soon my essays will be less overwhelming, and when that time comes I will find a good work/ leisure balance

my hayfever is at its peak during march/ april, so when freedom comes I will be able to sit in parks comfortably and not be tormented by pollen

'fuck it, should we just get shots and get pissed' will sound a million times sweeter than it usually does

browsing in bookshops will also be a million times sweeter

I won't be told off for swearing

soon come, I will be able to see my friends and when I do I am going to hug each one of them for two hours and tell them how much I love them and will probably shed a tear

summer will be here and I will feel the sun on my face as I dance outside barefoot on grass, with a tinnie in one hand and a cigarette in the other, good music will be playing and when I grab my friends hands I will feel the warmth from the sun on their skin and it will be even better than all the times I have imagined it during lock down. festivals may not happen, but to groove outside with sunglasses on surrounded by amazin pals is all I am wishing for right now and that time will be here. and when it is there will be a sadness that is impossible to shift due to the tragedy this disease has created, but hope will be ripe and I'll be with the people that I love, and have missed so dearly.

second year sweetness + suckiness

I'm not sure if I was warned about how difficult second year is, it is highly likely I heard the warnings and subconsciously chose to ignore them to save myself from having to worry about it- but fuck me is second year difficult. I'm not sure what it is, but the added pressure of marks counting and the search for placement years certainly doesn't help. There also seems to be a lot more romantic drama this year, we've reached an age where we're willing to get hurt in the hopes of experiecing a glimpse of love but when the hurt happens, no matter how big or small, it creates a crisis in the fear of never getting to experience all that love that relationships have to offer. There is also friendship complications that seem to have appeared out of nowhere, people going against basic rules of friendship and basic rules of respectability. The only good thing is, we're all adults now. We value conversation above pent up angers and we genuinely do not have time for people we don't want in our lives, so there is no risk of fake friendships. We also all love another enough to not let such trials disturb the prospect of forever in our friendships. In saying all this, my semester has sounded very dramatic, but it is far from it for me personally. My biggest drama has been finding out I'm not as smart as I thought I was and trying to use dissapointment as a motivator rather than a prover.

I am more excited for next semester, mainly because I hope to get better grades. I also plan on doing more, I'm a peer reviewer for a journal released by Undergraduates, I hope to write for the University newspaper (mainly for CV purposes) and I just hope to do more academic things to help lessen this fear of the future and hopefully erase all concerns I have about the point of an English Literature degree. Speak it into existence!

soz 4 the photo quality xx

The woes previously expressed in this post have been intermittent, broken up by good films, good gigs, good dancing seshes, good friends and the revival of my love of chess.

Highlights so far:

- All piling on to one persons bed to watch a film
- Girly chats in another persons bed
- Going to a gig and absolutely falling in love with the artist
- Seeing Twin Peaks twice and feeling all the energy and sense of community from everybody in the crowd
- Watching Queer Eye in bed after a night out and falling asleep with my housemate
- Leaving a night out early with the sole intention of making hash browns
- Getting absolutely smashed on an unplanned night to help my friend through her breakup
- Walking back from a night out at a ridicolous time of night and finding a massive tray with a million wheels attatched
- Deep chats on the walk to a party
- Watching Pride
- An impromptu cinema trip to boost my friends' spirit, secretly satisfying my craving of going to the cinema
- Listening to my friend retell a stroy of how she stole a giant pizza
- Games night at my friends house ending in her housemates returning back from a pub night incredibly drunk with a lot of stolen memrobilia
- Walking back from a movie night, slightly tipsy and seeing people in the takeout shop near my house, others running out and stumbling as they walk, all smiling and hearing their laughter through my headphones. I was listening to a perfect song, and everyone just seemed to be in their own bubble of happiness. It was just really lovely.
- Bonding with friends housemates
- Feeling disheartened by magnitudes of work so we booked tattoos to boost our spirits
- Celebrating fireworks night with a homemade bonfire and watching a crappy film
- Finding out there is a fat arcade in Leeds (I haven't been there yet, but god damn after exams catch me there suckers!!)
- Friendships getting stronger
- Wednesday nights when my housemate would get back from her cooking class and she'd show me what she had made and tell me all about it (why is my housemate the actual cutest bestest person ever)
- Swimming
- Going on sandwich runs
- Drinking redbull in the library at times no one should be in the library
- Popping into the kithcen to make a cup of tea and then spending hours with my house instead
- Watching The Boat That Rocked
- Being vulnerable with friends
- Playing chess with my friend only to find out he is a chess professional
- Spontaneous trips to the pub to play pool
- One of my lecturers had a lot of pizazz, always making a Monday morning lecture more enjoyable (but also more dissapointing when it wasn't him taking the lecture)
- Panicking about the strikes and being rescued by my friend instead
- Jazz nights
- Sunday night Planet Earth watching with my housemate
- So! Much! Dancing!
- Watching my friend cook carbonara after an unsuccessful library day and banging out some mad tunes
- Discovering the importance of honest conversation.

In retrospect, second year may be tough, but it has also been very sweet and I am very lucky to have such wonderful friends.

'Oh Grow Up'

A phrase I constantly end up thinking to myself is 'Oh grow up', however most of the time when I think this I am just being horribly unreasonable. I wouldn't have called myself a judgemental person prior to this year, but I have since realised that I am a ridiculous human being who repeatedly thinks other people need to grow up for merely having their own opinions, taste buds and thoughts. Despite knowing that I am being unreasonable and that I should let everyone live their lives how they want because at the end of the day these things don't actually affect me (that much) I still do think there are certain beliefs and values that people need to stop being such a big baby about and grow up.

my friend michael, who fits into a lot of the criteria below. also couldn't find any other photos that were remotley in tune with the current seasons so decided to embrace the closeness of Christmas rather than use yet another sunny photo 

Things I will roll my eyes at and think 'Oh grow up' at if you say them/ express them near me:

-Asking for no tomatoes. In some cases it's acceptable, but at the same time, in a hefty sandwich, with a lot of filling?? grow up and eat them

- Not liking coffee

- Not liking hot drinks

- Not liking to have the subtitles on whilst watching TV (it's not distracting and if you genuinely believe that it is, I believe that you have a poor attention span and are dumb) (also I really struggle to understand what people are saying via a screen so please just let me keep subtitles on)

- Monster Munch being a favourite flavour of crisp 

- People who express contempt at athletes foot (we're most likely all going to have it one day! Don't alienate me for having my time come sooner than you!)

- Level one mild cheese being someones preferred cheese (albeit I am mostly vegan and I know vegan cheese most closely resemebles this, but lets be real mild cheese is flavourless)

- Asking vegans / vegetarians how much money they would have to be paid to eat meat / animal products

- Telling me you think you might be intolerant to gluten (hun come to me when it makes your entire insides explode, not just when you get a little bit bloated from eating bread all week)(to be fair this is less of a 'oh grow up' than a simple 'idc')

- Not liking foreign films 

- Not finding lizards really interesting animals

- Pretending not to know people even when you do just to seem cooler (I didn't think this was a real thing until someone told me they done this the other day. The audacity!! How can people actually do this! Grow up and be respectful you turd bags)

- People who think rich people deserve all the money they earn 

- Not enjoying soup

(side not - purely satirical, but also kind of not. I do think people who have a vendetta against tomatoes need to grow the fuck up) 

Things I will never think 'Oh grow up to' just because I realised the other list made me seem a bit too hateful:

- Fart jokes

- Any form of toilet humour to be honest

- Horrendously mispronouncing words for the sake of humour (top tier humour in my opinion)

- Novelty slippers
- Getting excited about Christmas and birthdays
- Getting upset over little things (we all got emotions, as long as you speak about things there is no problem yo!)
- Not knowing something and asking for an explanation (some people have infinite amounts of knoweldge, others don't and those of us that don't know its always best to ask even if people think we have the knowledge of a five year old)
- Wanting attention (within reason) 

- Spongebob references

- Having way more sugars than acceptable in your hot drinks (listen, I'm just happy you're drinking them)

- Having a blankie or a teddy

- Not liking obscure flavours (in the above I seem a bit like a food snob, but I would never judge someone for not liking liqouirce. It's more just the principle of the above)

what is love if it's not young?

(Musings caused by this podcast - Love Stories with Stanley Tucci by Dolly Alderton)

Adults always refer to young love as being fierce and intense. I think I understand it in a way, as it is the first time you have experienced such intense feelings so of course your first love is overwhelming and all consuming. It is also a time before you have experienced heart break, so you love unguardedly and proudly. Then again, I don't entirely understand the concept of young love and how it differs to adult love, I don't understand what it is to be in love in adulthood.

(disclaimer - 'libby, you're overthinking this!' , I know, but it's a musings post. I keep hearing things about young love, of first love, but why is the romantic love we experience in our youth such a distinguished thing! I don't know, and I know I want to accept more and understand less but I am discarding that mantra for the sake of this post. Also, I love love. I am a hopeless romantic, of course I'm going to think about what is so distinctive about young love and what adult love may entail)

Sometimes I wonder whether I find the differences in love so difficult to grasp because in my first proper relationship we went from the confusion of teenage years to the beginning of adulthood together, and with that the love I felt matured with me, but not entirely. They say young love is pure, and it undenialy began that way; the excitement at having sleepovers, the initial unsuritiy of sexual boundaries and the questions our hands held as they moved from beyond our faces was exhilirating - but is that a component of young love? Or simply the effects of loving someone? Or perhaps the feelings are still there, but just less intense, and the questions are briefer. Is the excitement from a sleepover lessed by the fact it is expected and no longer such a scandalous concept?

I can't imagine what it means to be in a loving adult relationship. The purity is diminshed by the confidence you express lust with as you get older, but then what fuels the excitement in an adult, loving relationship? What does it mean for the scandal to be diminished? I think that maybe, the exhiliration that comes from hiding the invisible marks of kisses changes into a simple glow, a happiness is left behind rather than the electrified feeling of need to conceal anything that can give away that more than just a kiss happened. This isn't to say I think adult love is void of excitement, more that I think I will miss the innocence of young love. I have some understanding of adult loving relationships, but will I sometimes feel unable to contain my love and display it through tight squeezes - was that young love me or just me?

In the podcast they both agree that the euphoria that comes with your first love isn't experienced again and I find that sad in a way. I know it is normal, and that love is exciting no matter what your age, and in fact it is slightly relieving to know that I won't face that intensity again. It is sad though that the more you love as you get older the less innocent and pure it becomes, because a small part of you will always be guarded in a way as you unknowingly begin to protect yourself a little more. I guess that is a good thing, but a shame that we can't always live in that unknowing bubble of purity and excitement. There is also the concern of the future in adult relationships, a worry our young selves never had to face. Perhaps my confusion stems from the fact I don't want to have such concerns, that I want to love freely and easily and think that can't be done without the naivety and purity my young self had? I don't know. I know love isn't that big a thing, and that love is love, I just don't fully understand why young love is such a distinguished thing, so seperate from adulthood. One day I will though. (or maybe not, maybe I'll never be in romantic love again - yikes !)

human sunshine + wonderful people + feeling proud

just a musing post.

(the ultimate ray of sunshine) 

I feel like I go on about this a lot, but I just don’t understand how there are some people who are so pure and good in the world. It is like these people just radiate sunshine, even their pessimism and sarcasm are bound up in goodness. They have an innocence that remains intact, despite having been exposed to the majority of what the world has to offer. There is a purity that remains within them. There is a need to protect them, to shield them from those who aren’t as friendly, who aren’t as good natured but also a knowledge that nothing would be able to dim the glow of goodness that is forever inside them.

 I don’t know if they’re rare to come by, but I know four people who I’m pretty sure captured a ray of sunshine when they were born. They are good and pure and fierce and loyal and intelligent and are just such good people. Sometimes I feel in awe of what their life will become, because such wonderful people will only be able to do wonderful things for the world. It sounds wet and lame, but we all know the sort of people I’m talking about. They are beyond nice, their negative traits compliment their good traits perfectly. They are just human sunshine.

The inclusion of such people in my life does not diminish how wonderful others are though. The past few days of my life have featured many a tube journey where I have forgotten my book, leaving me to entertain myself and I just can't get over how proud of some of my friends I am. I have told them of this pride, but one too many train journeys has made my heart swell so I have to let my blog be my outlet, because if I carry on gushing to my friends it will just seem insincere.

• My boys played at a festival and filled out the motherfucking tent! I have seen the effort of this band and it made my heart glow finding out people outside of our social circle were also appreciating their music (link to their tunes) (ps - they are called Gold Beach) (pps - my fave tunes are Paris & See The Light)
• My friend who dropped out of university due to not liking his course and coming back to study something else - it doesn't seem like that big a deal, but it is! Imagine the stress of having to tell people you are dropping out, of having to take a second gap year (whilst no other friends are home!), the fear of being two years older than everybody else (even though this isn't a fear he should have) and having to leave the amazing friends you had already made- stressful! Proud of him for making the right desicion
• I don't know if I've mentioned it enough here but one friend has her play being performed at the fringe fest. Not only that, but it has received some amazing reviews. It is more than it's success though - to write something and have the courage to let others scrutinise it, to commit to such a project whilst handling university, frustrating friendships and every other stress life can throw at you is an amazing achievement.
• My friend studying at Oxford University - the infamous Oxford! Oxford!! Just sometimes I realise the meaning of studying at Oxford, all the history it has, the struggle to get in, the intensity of the workload, it's fucking Oxford!!
• My friend who went to France for two months over summer to work in a hotel in an attempt to improve her French- but the barvery! She went all alone to a remote village in France where nobody spoke English!
• My friend making it through first year whilst always remaining positive, an absolute bundle of smiles of and joy and positivity despite losing her sister earlier in the year 

I feel proud of many things my friends do, but these have been on my mind the most lately. 

what made me love

I can't remember where I read this post before, but this idea is stolen from somebody and I can't remember who and I apologise if it's you and please tell me so I can give credit, for credit is definitely due here. I also highly recommend writing a post like this to everyone, it made me feel worthwhile and appreciative - two rare yet wonderful feelings!

what made me love...

films 
Little Miss Sunshine is my all time favourite film. It's the first film I can remember watching that combined the happy and the sad. It's about a family on the brink of a breakdown, each member suffering through their own thing. It made me fall in love with films because it's the first film I watched that had a complexity to it, as well as having some gorgeous shots. Every time I watch it, I feel something, it acknowledges the brutality of growing up, of believing in something too much, in giving up, the desire for innocence- it is just an incredible film and sparked my passion for film and the intricacies and significance in them.
-The Royal Tenebaums is a similar film to Little Miss Sunshine, very enjoyable, very poignant, very beautiful (classic Wes Anderson).

foreign films
I am not an expert in foreign films, but I do love them. European films, I have found, not only have great aesthetics, but are so explicit, verging on scandalous but in a way that I love- I don't know how to describe, but there is often an intensity and a bravery in them. 10/10 would recommend. The film that first sparked my interest in foreign film is The Way He Looks, which is whimsical and beautiful and sad - it has that transcendence of summer vibe which I realised is a common feature of things I enjoy.
-Also have to shout out Shoplifters here, which gave me a new appreciation of foreign film

reading (and the different genres)
I have always been a fond reader, but the first book I remember being obsessed with was Looking For JJ. Maybe it's because I was too young to read it, so it added an excitement, or maybe it was the first book that I read that wasn't about fairies and mystical lands.

coming of age + old time literature 
I read Little Women was I really young, and had no understanding of what was going on. I have read it countless times since, it lead me to read Pride and Prejudice, Wuthering Heights- it sparked in me a love for Victorian literature and coming of age novels.
- I am dedicating more to what started my love for coming of age novels, because they make you think, make you appreciate life and understand more (depending on what is read) but I just love them. Submarine was one coming of age novel I remember reading that lead me to furiously search the genre. Such books have lead me to appreciate a new kind of coming age as well, where the protagonist is not a teenager but where there is search/ an exploration of who they were and who they are now.
- shoutout to 'Diary of An Oxygen Thief' a book I recently read and thoroughly enjoyed, and 'Call Me By Your Name', a novel I will forever admire.

podcasts
My Dad Wrote A Porno was the first podcast I listened to. I remember listening to it after a hormonal teary break down after giving up with tidying my room, feeling utterly defeated by the complexity of putting on a duvet cover- I'm pretty sure we all know that feeling of utter frustration and anger (periods suck am I right!) and I popped on the podcast and I swear to god, it cured my period blues. Now I love listening to Modern Love and Getting Curious with Jonathan Van Ness. Podcast recommendations are always appreciated by the way!
- shoutout to this Modern Love episode I listened to the other day, made me chuckle  http://bit.ly/MLDogNaked

music
The Wombats are the first band I can remember ever properly loving. My sister used to make CDs when we went on holiday so we wouldn't have to spend ages scrolling through the radio, and she put Kill The Director on one CD and I would spend every car ride asking for my parents to play that song. I remember that holday as well discovering Mr Brightside, and I was swimming in the pool and had a revelation that they made a sexual reference in the song (I was very young at the time) and I felt so smug.
- shoutout to this song by Twin Peaks, so calm and soothing and lovely to listen on a night walk home. Also shout out to this song by Methyl Ethyl, it makes me feel empowered and important when walking through busy train stations.
-shoutout to ME! Follow my chill 2019 playlist for glorious, calming background tunes xoxo  http://bit.ly/chilltunez19

adult friendships
This make it sound like I mean sexual relations, but I just wanted to distinguish from childhood friendships because for me those were fun and easy. Taking a gap year, whereby there is no pressure to maintain friendships made me realise how lucky I am to have the friends I do and since beginning university I continually feel blessed at being surrounded by such great people. I love walking back from the pub and huddling together to create the illusion of warmth, I love receiving texts asking if anyone needs to go to Aldi, I love seeing the blurred outline of my friends on facetime, I love it when I haven't seen my friends in a while and the first thing they say to me is 'bitch let me tell you', I love the friends who give tough love, who motivate me to be better, I love my blogging friends because I am forever proud of them and this pride also motivates me (selfish lol), I love my friend Lauren who has a play that's going to be in the fricking Edinburgh fringe fest, how fucking! sick! is! that!!!!!
-adult friendships can be difficult, but also very rewarding because we've reached a point in our life where we know what sort of friends we need, and what sort of friends we need tobe (even if we aren't quite that friend yet, we're getting there).
-also prefer adult friendships because less bitchyness

peace out! do the list yourself to feel warm and fuzzy and appreciative x

why is talking about dreams + aspirations so difficult?

'Don't want to know what I would be when I wake up from a Dreamers sleep' (-Twenty One Pilots lol)

Telling people you go to University is merely a segway in conversation to the grand question of what you plan on doing with you future. It is a horrible question, yet when you try to deflect it adults don't seem to understand why. I always say I don't know, because I don't really know, all I know is what I want my future to involve. Some people answer the question confidently though, but it is a hard question to answer with confidence because it is a peek into your dreams and aspirations. Vocalising such things adds a reality to them, which in turn makes the prospect of failure more prominent as if you never achieve the dream it means someone knows you failed.

It is silly though to be so secretive about aspirations, because adding a reality to them also adds a pressure to be proactive in achieving your hopes. It is just hard though isn't it, because not only does the threat of failure creep in, because if the dream remains in your head you will forever be in control of it- your imaginations ensure the dreams success, it allows your dreams to be only met with pride and support from everybody else. But, you should let people know your aspirations because such fears are silly. You never know what can come from speaking about what you want your future to hold, who you may come into contact with or just in general what support you will receive. It is scary though to tell people, in case you get met with 'oh I can't imagine you doing that'.

I think, moral of the story is, pursue your dreams and don't ask people what they want to do with their future/ what they plan on doing with their degree unless they initiate that conversation.

For the record, one of my dreams is to have a piece of writing published. I'm going to start small and go for the University newspaper (that nobody reads) and then maybe one day something will get published for the University alternative magazine, but the ultimate part of this dream is to have something published somewhere that is not linked to my university.

Just one of many dreams.

Another one of my dreams is for Pringles to fucking reply to my emails about making Pringles gluten free. I would appreciate if you will join me on this quest and drop them an email just asking them to make them gluten free.

Peace out xoxox

the ability to love

Self-love, familial love, platonic love, unconditional love, obsessions, crushes, broken-hearts, love of books, love of music. Once I heard a lyric that said there's too much love to go around these days, and I disagreed. I think there is so much hatred and fear in the world that the concept of an abundance of love can only be limited to fiction. Maybe I misinterpreted the lyric, but now I understand that within one person love can take many forms. I have definitely been in love with someone before, I have met someone since where I thought I could have fallen in love with them if there were different circumstances. People say when you're younger, love is consuming and violent and full of energy but no one ever really says how love changes as you get older. I've seen old couples say love changes in marriage, love becomes a dependency and a loyalty rather than attraction and lust, but that is love in marriage. I don't know what love becomes when you get older if it's not passionate and encompassing, no one ever really talks about that. There is no denying that as you get older, the love you give is different to the love you gave when you were younger.

not a relevant photo at all, just always need a photo. this was me making green thai curry at uni for first time. didn't go well. 

I am no expert. I am single and confused and wanting so many things, but after many a pensive showers I've realised that being able to love isn't actually that easy. In life there are so many instances that make you wary of being in love, I've had bad friendships, big changes in perspective towards people yet we're all able to love and continue to love even after bad things happen.

I think I am able to love now because I'm better at seeing the faults in my personality and am working on changing them. Although, if someone else found a fault in my personality I'm not sure how well I would take it if I didn't think it was a fault, but I'll cross that bridge when it happens.

I'm able to love because I am able to respect myself. I know some of my quirks shouldn't be tolerated, but some should. I know now that a relationship can't all be about giving, that conversations can be had about respect, about affection and giving but some things should be natural. I respect myself enough now to not stand for a one-sided relationship. (not a dig at my past relationship, I had this realisation after countless shags that led me in a state of a disappointment - it's 2019 and everybody knows about female anatomy, don't accept disappointment from hanky-panky. Spread this respect to your life, you deserve to have your hobbies, your thoughts and opinions appreciated. Respect yourself, respect your wants and it will make relationships easier and once relationships become easier, to love becomes easier).

A lot of my ability to love comes from other peoples treatment towards me, and how I reacted to that treatment. It came from learning what to respect, what to enjoy, what to steer clear from. I think for me, the key to being able to love came from many heartbreaks. It came from losing best friends and a boyfriend, it came from me breaking other peoples hearts (slight exaggeration, a complicated scenario). I'm scared to be in love again because I'm scared of experiencing another break up, but then at moments like this where I realise how much I have learnt from having a broken heart I realise that fear isn't entirely justified.

Everyone deserves love and what not, but love is so strange. It can take on so many forms. It changes so much, but undeniably things change the way we love. I think I have been too harsh before, too expecting of the wrong things and not expecting enough of the right things. Love comes with vulnerability which is absolutely terrifying, but everybody is capable of it.

weird post, did not go as I expected but :) for everybody who reads, thank u I love u!

first crush

Isn't it insane how a song can transport you back in time, how no matter where you are, hearing one particular song can lead you to this refuge of youth within your brain that you forgot existed? There's a song from a film I saw when I was around 15, and on the rare occasion that song pops up on my shuffle I'm just taken back to a me that existed so long ago. It was a me who was confused and sad and hated school, yet after years of being the weird quiet girl I had made some friends. I was out with a group of friends and my crush, a crush we all knew existed yet only spoke about it in whispers as we waited for someone to make the first move. When I hear the song I just get sent back to that moment of us walking from town to the cinema, all of us spread far apart so it was just me and my crush walking together in the protection of the expanded group. It was warm and it was summer and I was excited and nervous- I hadn't had my first kiss yet and the practicalities of two people with braces kissing deeply concerned me. I was worried if we kissed we'd get stuck together and then everyone would find out about me and this person. When I hear the song I remember the way I walked, with my arms moving about more than usual in the hopes that our hands would touch and I could feel that buzz of heat and electricity again. I just remember feeling so excited, I was still young though- sex wasn't on my mind and I didn't know what dating truly was. All I knew was I had a crush that was reciprocated and that every time my skin grazed theirs I felt innocent bursts of euphoria. When I hear the song I remember how it felt when we had finally got the cinema and I was constantly moving so that my knee could brush theirs. When they finally grabbed my hand and drew patterns with their thumb against my palm I felt happiness burst inside me that momentarily hid all the sadness of the time.

Typing it out makes it feel like this one song reminds me of a lifetime, yet when I hear it there is just a fleeting sensation of youth and summer and a reminder of a crush so intense I thought it was going to drive me insane. I remember the happiness and excitement that encompassed my summer before a tough year. It just is weird how this song genuinely sends me back in time, sometimes so fast that it's as though it disturbs the now peaceful butterflies in my stomach. I don't speak to this person anymore, but every now and then we like each others photos on instagram and a few years ago I apologised for the way I ended things- it was young and stupid to them but they made an impact on my life. Now when I hear this song I can focus on the good, the naivety, the excitement- I can feel the summer that was tainted in my memory for so many years.

Peace out !
--ps, fun fact about the photo, taken back in the day, was going through my memory stick trying to see if I had any photos from that day, it was a long arduous process, I gave up and settled on this. How cool and edgy I used to be!

I Am A Free Woman

I'm back! I took a break during exams (and the lead up to exams) because my life was just so busy! Well, I wasn't even doing much but just never had much time to write posts, nor did I have anything really to write about. My life plateaued during exams, nothing exciting was happening really just revising and stuff, nothing worth blogging about! But now I am a free woman! Although it feels strange, to never have to touch my notes or any of my old things ever again. Especially since I'm taking a gap year, I don't know, just feels so strange! Although I feel like I'm going to have to redo my psychology exam because I found them all so difficult and in my last paper I accidentally missed out six marks because I just kept flicking past the page! My heart actually sank when I realised, I even swore under my breath then got worried I was going to get kicked out for talking because as soon as I realised we had to put our pens down! It was the worst. But, oh well, it is all over now, and if I need to retake, I can.

I can't remember how to properly do this so the Flickr thing doesn't come up whoops 

In my absence, despite my life being extremely non exciting, a few things did happen.

1) My dog died, it came as a complete surprise but one morning she just woke up extremely ill then she went to the vet and long story short turns out she had cancer and her lil body just couldn't fight it anymore! It has been so strange not having a pup in the house, I had her since the summer of year one and now I'm in the summer of year 13! So bizarre. But we are getting a new puppy (the same breed but different colour) during summer. I doubt any of you know my dog, since I never really posted about her, which is strange because my dog was like, my main bitch (haha so witty). But she was my best pal, but she just got too poorly!

2) My sister came home with her little bubba and boyfriend. I find it strange being called auntie because I just feel auntie is way too old for me but at the same time I like the title. Auntie Libby. Auntie Libs. He is the cutest baby ever, of course I am bias, but he is the sweetest. And just so tiny!!

3) I finished exams! Like I said earlier. I wrote this post earlier but had to retype it because I was going on and on and on and on and I want my blog to get better and I think one way to begin is by writing not everything that pops to my head. And writing in general I guess.

It feels so strange to write in a non formal way again, like for ages it has either been essays or notes and now I'm free to write with as many exclamation marks as I want. What a life! Oh wait another thing that happened, I turned 18. Um what else. Not much. Well just little random things a gig I went to, my drink of the night has turned from Malibu and coke to gin and tonic. I know, I know. I am the epitome of sophistication. I'm going out in a bit, but it's annoying every night since a levels have finished I haven't been able to go ham on the drinking because I have work or a driving lesson the next day and tomorrow I have a gym class in the morning. My quest to a summer body in a week begins tomorrow. I'm sure one week will be enough to bring success. Oh I also signed up for the London marathon, I'm not entirely sure why because I haven't ran properly in ages and have never even do a half marathon let alone a 10k race so god knows how I'll survive

My Personal Wall

 

Since taking this photo my wall has developed a bit, but I just needed a picture and liked this and thought it was relevant because its a part of my wall full of memories and is super personal as is this blog! Well my blog isn't super personal but in some ways is. I had my driving theory test today and the man at the desk asked me what was on my nose and it has been a long time since I have had a nose piercing joke and I was going to say I was sick of them, but then he called me a rebel for having it. Anyone that knows me knows I'm the furthest thing from a rebel, and I found it pretty flattering he thought that. I passed my theory as well which was a relief because oh boy does hazard perception bore me. I'm getting my sisters old car (wahoo) and wanted to paint flowers on it over summer, but summer has been and gone and still no flowers.

I have progressed a lot since my last post and pretty much am already to send off my personal statement but ah! Scary stuff! I also need to do a last grammer check but I've read it so many times I doubt I'd realise if there were any mistakes. Its so hard trying to make it fit the character count, I've taken out loads of random words and just hope those little words weren't too important in making my point!

Sorry for not having any cool outfit posts at the moment, I haven't been rocking any good looks lately. I have just embodied the tired, moody stressed student look. Although I should try making an effort again more because (personally) I find wearing makeup much more enjoyable than not wearing makeup. Sometimes I see my reflection and am just shocked and even putting on my glasses as a form of hiding my face doesn't help! I really want to buy hats and colourful tights and coats but I spent all my money on my friends birthdays/Christmas the other day because Redbubble had 20% off and oh boy do I love Redbubble and want my friends to share my enthusiasm for it as well. I was going to get a Twenty One Pilots tshirt (who I am seeing on Sunday!!!) but decided not to be selfish and buy my friends presents instead. I am feeling some regret but trying to focus on fact that I have got my friends bangin presents and I have been dropping massive hints about this tshirt.

Why Must Personal Statements Be So Important

It's crazy how difficult A-Levels are. I know a lot of people go through them but my oh my it is tough! I'm meat to be writing my personal statement now and I forgot how much I enjoy this blog. And also, personal statement is so hard. I can't type how I type here because I want to appear professional and sophisticated but also need to sprinkle a bit of my personality in there and I am not sure how to do that. How am I meant to just 'sprinkle' my razzle dazzle. It's either all or nothing with me. Also, after much deliberation I've decided to apply for English literature. And, I'm not trying to victimise myself,  but I feel like an English literature personal statement is super hard because its trying to show off your writing skills, you really got to impress. 

Also the opening line of a personal statement. Lets be real, how am I meant to wow them. I was reading model personal statements online and just had to stop because I wanted to steal all their opening lines, plus they were all incredible and my writing ability is not up to that standard. That makes me nervous though, because what if I am just not up to English literature standard in general. What if everyone is there quoting Shakespeare and making jokes about classic authors I've never even heard of. If I get accepted into university, I will spend my entire summer reading so I can try and become a boffin. I want to impress people with my book knowledge. But I am super forgetful so I'd most likely end up embarrassing myself. 

Someone close to me found out about my blog the other day and I was like ah man I gotta get posting. So I am going to start. I say that in every blog post but blogging is such a good outlet and wonderful community. So..hello. I am actually back. I think I'm going to stop putting so much pressure on having good blog posts. In my head I imagine everyone laughing because my standards were so poor before, but I'll come here to ramble and stuff. No necessarily just outfits and makeup. Because I am mature now. All my friends are turning 18, meaning I'm friends with adults therefore I am practically an adult (crikey!!!!!!!!!!!!). Nah but I just mean not posting because I have no pictures. The picture I've used isn't relevant at all. Its a photo I took in summer of my dog after she finished sniffing the flowers. I suppose I could make it relevant, because dogs have no responsibilities and therefore they dont have to worry about writing an amazing 47 line document about how wonderful and impressive they are. I am not that wonderful or impressive, I think one of my most impressive qualities is that I am amazing at making popcorn on the hob and that I burp after every drink I have. Thats not even impressive just a fact about my life.

Anyway, see you guys soon. Good luck with personal statements and all that shitty school jazz. (Is it lame I just got so excited to be posting a blog post again and to catch up on all my friends blogs)(I dont actually really have any friend bloggers but there are some people who are my friend in my head)(and by some I mean lie 5749 people). 

I Am Back!

I get so caught up with life that I forget to post. Not so much forget, but place priorities on other things and my blog gets pushed to the side, always a thing on my mind. I think one of the reasons for this is because I find it hard to make time to take photos and that is a big part of blogging. Loads of people with blogs love photography, but I prefer the writing part but obviously no one is going to want to look at a blog with no pictures (and I need pictures as well because I want to talk to you about my clothes, lets be real) but I am just so lazy when it comes to taking photos. Then this laziness adds to my blogging procrastination. 

However I have been hit with a burst of inspiration and blog ideas, but for now I just wanted to do a little update because I always enjoy writing these. SO!

You can't see here because I look a mess but my hair is pink again too! Wahoo!

I'm not really sure the chronological events of these things but I will try my best. I went to Reading festival again and had the best time ever. There's only so many things I can say without being boring but it was amazing. One of my regrets though is that I didn't realise till Sunday night how much I loved being on peoples shoulders, so I spent a lot of the time at acts on the floor when I couldd have been on shoulders. It's just so fun and if the crowd is a good one, it's so fun to see everyone going for the music. I just got slightly worried that I was going to crush people, but everyone was safe. Huzzah for strong people!

I was really excited to see Twenty One Pilots at Reading, but they had quite bad sound quality or something, either way I couldn't hear much but low and behold, they are touring! They sold out super fast but then another date came up on tablets rather than laptops and me and my friends managed to get them and ah! I am so excited! It's just annoying that loads of concerts are around October/November because I have mocks in December!

On the subject of exams, I also got my AS results this summer, I was happy with my results, apart from biology. I was going to keep it anyway and drop English lit because I hated English lit with a passion but then after the first day back at college I swapped back to English lit. I think one of the reason I hated it was because I didn't have a class that I bonded well with, not that they were mean but just, there wasn't much banter. And I didn't particularly warm to one of my teachers. But this year, I love my class (so far)(I have only had one lesson but I have a lot of friends in there and the person I revised English with is in my class and that makes me happy because now we can work together even more) and I love the teacher I have. I'm meant to be doing the coursework now but I just wanted to write a blog post more.

My only issue now is deciding what uni course I want to do, and unfortunately because I'm lazy I have hardly seen any unis and although open days are still happening, a lot happen on Saturdays and there is only so many days I can take off work! I really wanted to go see Nottingham but the open day was Friday which was the day of my first English lesson which I had to go to to talk to my teacher about my coursework plan. But there are some unis I feel safe not going to see because I know people that go there so can ask their opinion, or they're just loved by everyone in general.  What a stressful year ahead, am I right!

I know I have said this in every post recently but I feel this one in my bones, I think I will be able to get up more posts now I'm back at college. Yes there is a bigger work load but there is more structure to my days and woah, do I have a lot of frees in college now in which I can do work. Also, I have an ambition for this year to drink more water. Half of summer I was like the water goddess, I was fit and healthy and I am going to bring that me back. I love summer but oh boy was it busy. Anyway, adios friends, see you soon! Hope you have all had a goo start back to school/college/work!

The Wonders of Whole Foods

So today I went to Whole Foods (I say today but I actually mean yesterday) and wow guys, it is amazing. I don't think I've ever said on my blog but I am a vegetarian and also intolerant to gluten. I always get ridiculed when I say I'm 'gluten intolerant' but I'm not full on allergic but give me something that contains gluten and my belly will swell up and some other not so nice tummy habits! But all in all, being allergic to gluten can be a downer because god damn it is expensive. Gluten free food is still expensive in whole foods to be fair, but oh boy there is so much of it. And it was only a small Whole Foods (I went to the one in Piccadilly) so I can only imagine what a big store has! I could have spent hours in there, heck, I think I did spend hours in there!

Please ignore the blur, it was taken on my friends iPod and believe it or not, posing in Whole Foods in front of all the fruit is pretty awkward. It was one quick take or nothing 

So not only was it busting with gluten free foods, vegan foods but oh man the fruit and veg section. I didn't even know mushrooms could look the way that I saw! I am very passionate about vegetables and fruit (oh what a cool teenager I am) and this selection made my heart sing. I ended up buying some grapes and in my mind, they're the best grapes I've ever had. I've probably had better to be fair, but Whole Foods just had this effect on me. Also, I had seen on so many vegan 'What I Eat in A Day Videos' (I'm not vegan but just enjoy watching those because wow their recipes are so inventive! Who knew dates could be consumed in so man ways!) roasted cauliflower and herbs, which seems so simple but I never made then low and behold Whole Foods sold a box of it pre-made and ready to be eaten. I didn't buy the box because my money was lacking but I tried some of my friends. They had this salad bar and hot food bar and juice bar and burrito bar (all in a very small space may I add, I'm not sure how all this food fitted)  and ah it was just amazing. I am very excited to go back to Whole Foods with my mum and get her to buy all the items. 

Although, Whole Foods did have some very weird items. I don't remember many but I do remember seeing avocado hummus which I have never tried, but the idea makes me uncomfortable. They're such different textures and tastes, how could the two be combined!? They also had tasters of raw cakes (which I've always wanted to try) and oh man it was amazing, next time I'm there I'm definitely going to buy a whole one. I ended up buying this chia seed pudding pot which I did not particularity enjoy because the texture made me feel weird. Also my friend who I went with got a vegan cupcake and it looked so good. 

Long story short, if you're in to healthy foods, are vegan/gluten/lactose intolerant, Whole Foods will blow your mind. I wish I could say here this was a sponsored post and then I could just go back to my fridge full of their roasted cauliflower and kale pot goodness, but alas. It is not. Don't worry though, I will try to re make this wonderful cauliflower and once I have nailed it I will show you how I done it. It's probably not even hard to make  but I never have a cauliflower in my fridge and that is a pretty damn vital ingredient. 

New Year New Goals

I have really boring blog titles usually so I'm trying to spice them up at the moment but I've realised they make my posts seem like they're going to be a lot deeper than they really are so I kept it simple for this one. It was before 'How Last Year Worked Out For Me And How This One Will' then I realised it sounded far deeper than it really is. Last year I wrote a post about my new year resolutions. A few of them I completely forgot I set out to do to be honest but some of them I remembered.

For example, one goal was to try different types of teas and smile more at strangers, both of which I'd say were a success. I'm drinking green tea and lemon right now, how sophisticated of me. Another was to be more on time which partly was success because I am rarely late for college however for meeting up with friends, that is a different story. And I saw one was to moisturise more which has not worked out although ever since I've started working at a hairdressers I moisturise my hands a lot but my legs are still dry. Like a lizard.

2016 goals though well I guess we'll have to wait and see.

1) Try out more makeup looks. I found glitter and colourful eyeshadows in my old makeup bag and want to start wearing them more, and just in general I want to try new things with my makeup. Also include more makeup on my blog because I rarely do but sometimes I think man I want to show people this look! But never actually do.

2) Stretch. My body is quickly becoming that of an old man flexibility wise and I only have myelf to blame. I run sometimes and never stretch, and sometimes I do a workout DVD and miss out the stretches at the end. But not any more, not 2016 me!

3) Have a new laptop. By the end end of 1026 I hope to have saved up enough for a new laptop or have almost saved up enough.

4) Eat less dairy and refined sugar. I eat so much dairy it's unreal and it is not good for my skin so I really need to cut down on that and sugar well. Obviously I'll still eat it but I really want to cut down on the amount I do. I've seen too many documentaries warning me about it. 

5) Not save my homework for the last minute. So far this isn't really working out for me but I will change my ways. I will use my free periods at college to do homework then when I come home I can revise. Highly unlikely really but a girl can dream.

Hope you've all had a good week and good luck if you have mocks coming up!